Faby and Me; It's a Dog's Life !

I believe there isn't much of a difference between Pets and Pests. Just an additional 's'. My dislike for pets is a product of growing up in a joint family with some people having great affection for the canines. Having a huge black quadruped panting in your living room, sitting next to you wasn't my idea of a home. But I had to tolerate them and that is how my dislike for all pets was born.

My daughter was about 3 years old when she wanted a kitten at home. I just told her, "Okey Baby, we will bring one. That thing will sleep in your room along with you, eat from your plate and sometimes, just sometimes pee in your bed". Story over.

Coming to circa 2011, I still remain a mile away from animals. Love shooting them and have some real nice ones. But my love for the non-human species is mostly a long distance one. I wouldn't mind the swimming variety though. I had a fascination for the aquarium since childhood and have plans to bring one home soon.

The Big Cat Albino - I shot him !

About 10 months ago, we were passing through very difficult period due to the illness and delicate condition of my Father in law. He subsequently passed away in September. There is a dog in our neighborhood. He is a ferocious black fellow living with our next door neighbors.

For 3 days in succession, me and my daughter were scared out of wits by this demon whenever we stepped out of our house. Our requests to rein him met with amused smiles by his owners. On the third day, I had to retaliate. I shouted at them, "You guys rein him in and keep him tied there. Else I will call the Corporation guys and get him bumped off.".

Never saw him since then till last evening. As I was walking back home after finishing my appointments in my clinic, I saw this fellow. He was growling and staring at me, from a distance. I picked up a stone from the road, just to safeguard  myself from an attack. He looked sullen but not aggressive.

All of a sudden, he started talking in Malayalam, "Don't you worry. I am not like you. I don't carry old grudges. I just don't want to live in that jail for another ten months thanks to you". I just rubbed my eyes in disbelief. I thought the soft drink I drank about an hour ago had something in it.

Looking at my discomfiture, he talked again, "No, you aren't hallucinating. If you can afford to own a 'Car that can Talk' and 'Write', your neighbor can own a talking Dog. They love me more than you ever loved your car. You paid a hefty sum for that white monster. I came free. But they still love me. I know it hurt them when they had to keep me in that jail all these days just because of you".

Convinced about the authenticity of the talking dog, I asked him, "So what makes you talk, that too after such a long time ?  And don't you play the victim. It was your ferocious behavior that prompted me to do what I did. I have the responsibility to protect my child. You were threatening us".

He replied, "You totally mistook me then. I wasn't exactly angry or trying to attack you or your daughter. I was just showing my displeasure at you for talking to a neighbor about getting my brethren bumped off. You were being unfair".

I said, "That is rubbish. One of your brethren had scratched me. I was forced to take those injections. They had become a menace around. They were spoiling this place too...". He asked me politely, "Do you have time to talk ? I can prove you wrong and clear your misplaced delusions of grandeur. By the way, my name is Faby".

That was an open challenge from a Dog to a Man. I could not have let the mankind down. So here goes the dialogue...

Faby: First of all, my cousin didn't scratch you intentionally. That was an accident. He was just playing with another cousin and you just happened to bump into him. It was just plain mishap.

Me: Well, it could be true. But he was very rash...

Faby: Look who's talking. You humans have invented such monstrous vehicles that are running amok on the roads. Do you have any idea how many of my brethren have died ? Leave it alone, do you know how many of your own species have gone under those demons ? Don't you have any remorse ?

Me: Well, that is the price we pay for the progress. I don't deny rash drivers. But even they are punished and put behind the bars.

Faby: Don't tell me. My Master was telling a few days ago that your town has seen more than ten major accidents in less than three months. I heard many people were killed by speeding buses and nobody ever got apprehended. And you forced me into that jail for ten months for just barking at you.

Me: Barking ? You were ready to even bite us that night. You don't know how dangerous you can be. You can spread Rabies.

Faby: Don't preach to me. If we bite, we do it openly. You have so many vaccines and medicines to combat Rabies. It isn't as if we cause Rabies. It affects us too and only when we are out of our minds do we cause problems. When it comes to your species, you are dangerous even without any infection.

Me: Oho, can you elaborate on that ?

Faby: Sure, very easy. When we bite, it is visible. We bite with our teeth. You can wash, use Anti-septic and cleanse and survive. When you bite, you do it with your tongue. And you can cause injuries that wouldn't heal for a lifetime. Yours is the only species on Earth that can bite with a tongue. Back biters !

This was turning out to be quite a dogged Dog !

Me: Mmmm, well, I concede that point. But that is because we are an intellectually evolved race. You guys are not. That perhaps is why you can't back bite but just bite back.

Faby: Never bother to teach me. Intellectual human shit. You think that. First of all, never call us 'Guys'. We are happy being dogs, cats and animals. Guys and Gays and all that excreta is for you humans the despicable forms. And what do you think I am doing ? I can understand your language and talk to you too. It is just that humans never tried to understand 'our' language. Have you not seen how we understand your orders and likes and dislikes ?

Me: Tall claims. You seem to be an exceptionally talented Dog. But most of your species just know how to follow and then bark and bite. That isn't intellectual. You just are not a match to us. If what you say is true, why aren't all dogs talking ?

Faby: From thousands of years, we have seen no man can understand or has even tried to understand our language, feelings and emotions. Then why should we talk your language ? We have just one language. In the name of evolution, you have so many languages. You don't know or respect languages or cultures of other people. You are so good at fighting for the sake of language, regions and religions. We are so much better. In fact I even feel ashamed of myself for even comparing ourselves to you inanimal humans.

Me: Fighting and us. Do you know what we call those who fight ? We call 'Dog eat Dog' race. We believe you dogs fight among yourselves ferociously. How can you blame us ?

Faby: I don't deny we do fight. But our fights are one to one fights. Sometimes we may fight in groups. But we don't hurt other animals during our fights. We sort out inter-dog issues between us. But as I told before, we don't back bite. We also don't send mercenaries to bump off those we don't like. We do it like all respectable dogs do. We fight our own battles. You have Mafia, quotation gangs and all those things. You just don't have the guts of animals to wage your own fights. Such mean creatures.

Me: That is just how human race has evolved. We have progressed due to our intellectual superiority. That is why we are your masters. You just don't have the prowess to do anything that we do and you just crib about it.

Faby: Holy cow. Far from it, I must say we don't obey you or anything like that. We just live with the nature. We have our own ways in life. You humans think you have prospered due to brains. But it is us who have used you. You have always worked towards inventing newer things. We just enjoy the benefits. You have seen our masters take us to Doctors who are human. We also eat food prepared by humans. So many of my brethren live in better conditions than you can even imagine. We are given bath by you. Even our excreta is cleaned by your species. You pay your own species to clear off the mess we create. What do we do ? We are supposed to protect you. And from whom are we supposed to protect you ? From yourself or from your own species. Ridiculous !

Me: Okay, you at least agree we give you all the comforts and it is our species who protect your health. That is why we call it humanity.

Faby: Don't start me on that again. It is just business. Your people go to those miserable places called Veterinary Colleges and kill and dissect our species and other animals to learn about our interiors. Why do you do it ? That is business for you. You earn a living out of it. You claim to treat your own species but you do it for your own selfish means. The so called Veterinarians do the same with us. For them we are just clients. But must say, they are a bit better than you human Doctors. You have branched so much, you don't look at your own species as humans any more. You look at people as a heart or a liver or a brain or a pair of kidneys or a leg or a hand. I wonder if you have separate specialists for different fingers of your hands. Pathetic humans !

This was getting tough. A very knowledgeable Canine. I was on a slippery ground and he was scoring well. So I had to counter him. After all, he had attacked my profession !

Me: All progress will have it's own adverse effects. Some good will come with some bad. We have to take it in a collective sense. If we didn't learn so much about ourselves and then about animals, how could we manage to progress ? You are looking at the negatives and missing the big picture. We have brought so much of improvement in health care !

Faby: Health and Care ? Eh. Do you useless humans have even a basic concept of progress ? First you invented all those terrible foods and ate them and developed all those illness you collectively call 'Lifestyle Disorders'. Then you spend millions to find remedies for them. When life began on earth, there was no AIDS, Diabetes, Heart Attack or Stroke. All these came out of your own move from the womb of nature towards the tomb of so called progress. We seldom get stroke, Heart attack or such illnesses. Even if we fall sick, we have innate immunity to cure ourselves. You people have made life impossible with your inventions. For every illness you claim to have found a remedy, newer maladies have appeared and you are still groping in the dark.

Me: That is life, we have to keep moving. There is no end to progress. More challenges, more progress. You and all of your species and other inhabitants have improved because of us.

Faby: That is a load of unholy human shit. You invented wheel and the vehicles on roads have killed millions since. You invented Bomb and you know the destruction it has lead to. You have invented missiles, warheads and what not ? Basically a problem of hatred or ego between two people. Thousands fight to unleash destruction on both sides. Finally what do you have ? Thousands of dead bodies. Your own brethren, dead before their time. Is this what you call progress ?

You people can't even keep quite. Your inventions like mobile phones have wrecked havoc and so many of those sweet chirping birds have vanished. Just see which species has prospered in numbers. All other species have dwindled, only humans have grown in number. Tigers, Lions and Elephants; all wonderful animals have gone down. And mostly because of you and your progress. Miserable !

I really was miserable now. I finally asked him, "How on earth do you know so much ? How can you counter all my points with such conviction ? A Dog simply can't do it ? Who are you ? Please..."

Faby: Well, now you are talking. I am your conscience. I just had to do this act of illusion to get you to talk to yourself. All of you have a Faby inside. But conscience is like a Dog in your world. You let it loose, it will bite you whenever you are not right. So you people leash it, tie it to some imaginary rope of convenience and push it into a cage in the name of propriety. It is when the caged Conscience stops biting back, you start back biting. That is why you humans get the leaders you deserve. Back biters, hatred-mongers, selfish and despicably destructive creatures.

You pride yourselves about Democracy, intellectualism and all those isms. But what do you actually have ? Leaders who lead you down the wrong paths. Those who lead you to fight among your own species. You have so called Religions supposed to bring peace. What actually is happening ? You are torn into pieces by religions. You have Terrorists, Extremists, Naxalites, Insurgents, Thieves, Robbers, Rapists, Child molesters, Criminals, Psychopaths and all kind of abnormal characters. Is this what you call progress ? If THIS is progress, I prefer to live a Dog's Life !

I had arrived at my home with "Ghar aaya mera Pardesi" playing on television !



Dr. Pundit