Buy Two Get Two Free : Confessions of a Bike-o-phobic !

I couldn't care much for what my wife thought of my firm "No" to her demand to buy a 'Scooty' for her. I just told her, "You are the only wife I have and I need you in one piece". She didn't like it one bit but had no choice. Knowing her fetish for freebies, I offered in return, "You are asking for a two-wheeler. I offer you a 100% extra on that and we'll buy a two-wheeler with four-wheels for you. Don't you think that is a better offer ? Buy two and get two free !"

"Very funny" she retorted, "Keep all four for yourself. I don't need that. I will continue to toil on those merciless buses". I made my next move of buying a Scooty with those additional small wheels. She blunted my offer with, "I am not asking for an auto rickshaw. I can manage as I am now. Don't bother".

Well, next morning I was not woken up but was rather jolted thanks to my 'sense of humor'. Let me confess, "I must be the 'only husband' on earth whose wife has a two-wheeler driving license but I don't". She has both car and two-wheeler driving license but can't drive or ride.

My dislike for the two-wheelers wasn't congenital, hereditary or anything like that. Very early in life, I was extremely fond of my Raleigh bicycle and used to be a terror on two wheels with my speed and unruly cycling. Once into teens, I too was enamored by the bikes of those days. The Ind-Suzuki Vishnuvardhan rode in the Kannada movie "Onde Guri" was a dream, not only for me but to most of the youth those days.

The Bike we were in awe of !

Fortunately or unfortunately, I couldn't afford bikes when I liked them. Today, when I can afford a few of them, I am pathologically scared of them. Some accidents in close circles are perhaps the main reason for my bike-phobia. It only worsened of late when two boys I've known for many years were lost forever due to bike accidents.

Classmate Sunitha Jain's Luna was the only two-wheeler I managed to ride during my college days. I was quite proficient with car driving when a cousin of mine suggested I 'must' learn bike-riding. Even though I had reservations, I agreed and went for my bike-riding lessons with him.

How did my dislike for bikes originate ? Very simple, the bikes come with a 'hand operated clutch' and what you press with your right foot is 'not' the accelerator. So when my cousin said, "Release the clutch slowly and give accelerator", I did what I do with my car. But the engine just died down with a whimper. My cousin said, "Not that, not that one, you have to turn the accelerator in your right hand.

So I released the clutch and turned on the accelerator. The damned thing began to dance like a rodeo bull because I was still pressing my right pedal inadvertently. Before we knew, both of us were on the ground with the bull, I mean the bike jamming both of us underneath in a messy tangle of legs, handle bar and hands. Luckily we weren't much hurt.

We pulled ourselves out of the tangle and mounted the bull again. This time I decided to be more meticulous and kept my right leg off the pedal and gradually did what I was supposed to do. Now it was a sudden take off and my cousin was down on his back and the bike was now celebrating his fall like a horse standing on his hind legs with the front wheel in the air and I was holding on dearly with both feet in the air. And then I was down again.

I understood one thing, this entity called bike had a mind of its own. In fact, it was not 'it'. It had to be 'Her' because only a 'she' is capable of such vindictiveness and tantrums. I was convinced about that. She had decided from the word go that, "I'm not going to allow this idiot to ride me at any cost". She knew I didn't like her at all. Though my cousin really loved her, he had to face her wrath because he did the unpardonable act of making a moron mount her.

My cousin recovered back to his feet and declared, "Govindu, you may be a Doctor but you are not up to it, when it comes to bikes. I don't want to test my luck a third time. So my advise is, you never ever try a bike again. You're simply good for nothing". Most people would have taken this as an insult or as a challenge and tried harder. But I loved my cousin too much and didn't want to risk his life for a third time and thus ended my tryst with bike-riding !

So why and how did my dislike and fear turn into hatred for two-wheelers ? Just look at the picture. It is self explanatory !

A world infested with bikes !

The bikes crisscross, overtake you from right, left and from any possible angle. They overtake from left and immediately cut to right before you. They jam both sides of the road when there is a queue. After doing all this, they park between two perfectly placed cars and then some of them on both sides so that not a single car will be able to budge from their position. Try moving those handle-bar locked monsters from the crevice between two cars and then people will realize why I hate bikes so much !

Most bikers park their nuisance machines wherever they feel like and leave without a bother about how much bother they are causing for others. Often if someone is standing with his legs apart in stand at ease posture, he might see bikes parked between the parted legs before he could realize. Often, we can see a bike parked strategically in a car park, eating into a space that could have easily hosted two cars.

The rudeness, rashness and brashness of the bike riders has to be experienced to be believed. Many a bikers believe 'helmet' is worn to avoid fines. Trying to overtake from a cleft on the left side is routine for the mean machines. If by chance they bump into your car, be ready to face choicest of abuses and even physical violence. The feeling of immortality associated with youth makes them behave thus and sometimes leading to doom.

One thing about these bikes is most of them run for 5 - 6 days with a table spoon of petrol. Like the remarkable cockroach, they can squeeze into any crevice, survive any traffic jam and can find a place to park inside a ladies handbag if necessary. Some youngsters are married to the bike and some even go to the loo on it.

Girls and two-wheelers is definitely a deadly combination. As it is, they have smaller frontal lobes in the brain and mostly have extremely ordinary driving skills. Give them the unpredictable little mischief makers and what we have is utter chaos on roads. The ladies scooter too has a mind of own. It never agrees with the rider and both of them always go their own way. Where it all ends depends upon the cosmic forces and of course the net result of the two opposite forces.

An average girl will be concerned about her jeans / salwar / saree, makeup, hair and of course mobile while riding a scooter. While boys have rear-view mirrors that adjust themselves in the direction of girls, a girl's rear-view mirror is built to make sure she won't miss seeing herself while riding.

But the best thing about a girl's two-wheeler is the indicator. Whatever we do, the indicator will show left when the girl turns right and right when she wants to go straight. So much so, some companies have initiated steps to install different set of indicators designed for girls. These smart indicators will start working only after the girl has made up her mind as to which way she wants to turn or if she wants to turn at all.

Well, I've wandered too far from my original plan of confessing about my bike-phobia. Let me be pardoned for that. I think I've confessed enough to last for a couple of weeks. So let me conclude by saying, "I don't hate bikes, the bikes hate me. I'm just scared of them like I'm scared of girls. I don't understand either of them. Not my fault !"

Dr. Punned-it

Baba, Gobi Manchurian and Thanda Pani : मेरा भारत महान !

Often I think India isn't all about "Unity in diversity" as much as it is about "Diversity in Unity". It is only the borders and the Cricket team that keep us together. Regions, religions, zones, castes, sub-castes, reservations and then languages; we have too many things to keep us divided. And I don't even have to mention Paes, Bhoopati and our politicians.

Indian languages are all so similar yet so different. For an outsider, all of them look and sound similar. But we know how different they are. Kannada and Telugu scripts look so similar but the languages are poles apart. Tamil and Malayalam look and often sound similar but Tamil has too few letters and Malayalam, too many !

My teenaged daughter was getting ready to school. I saw her applying Kohl [Kajal] to her eyes and asked, "Are you going to school or to a fashion parade ?". She replied in Konkani what can be directly translated as, "Our teachers scold us if we go to school without writing the eyes". I was taken aback by the reply and asked her, "What do you mean ?". She said, "Appe, in Malayalam they say just that !"

That is when it occurred to me. In Malayalam they say, "കണ്ണെഴുതി പൊട്ടും തൊട്ടു വരണം" - "Kannezhuthi Pottum Thottu varanam" which means "You should apply kohl to eyes and apply bindi on forehead when you come to school".

That triggered off a thought. If a Malayalee teacher were to express the same in Hindi, what would she say ? "आँख लिख कर बिंदी छु कर आना !" or "Aankh likh kar, bindi choo kar aana". We think in our mother tongue and then translate it word by word into other languages, often leading to this kind of gaffe.

Tamil probably can create the maximum confusion for the uninitiated who try to read or write Tamil. A simple illustration: "பாபா", the same written word can be pronounced as "Baba", "Bapa", "Paba", "Papa", "Bhabha" and "Fafa". I will never be able to know which "பாபா" is this "பாபா" !

"காந்திமதி" is "कान्तिमती" or "Kantimati"; an Indian name of a girl, which means "Bright mind". But ask most people of Tamilnadu and they think it is "Gandhimathi" which means "Gandhi's mind". Now I don't want to know which Gandhi they mean !

At the other end of the spectrum is the Tamil name "தண்டபாணி". Mostly people spell it as "Dandapani". But some people prefer to spell it as "Thandapani" and then it becomes funny. A north Indian would read it as "ठंडा पानी" which stands for "Cold Water".

Cauliflower is an innocent vegetable well known as "गोबी का फूल" or "Gobi ka phool" in Hindi. It is famous because of the universally popular Indo-Chinese collaboration called "Gobi Manchurian". But in Tamilnadu, it becomes "Kopi Manchurian". The neighborhood boy "Gopi" becomes "Gobi" in Kerala. If Gopi is eating Gobi Manchurian and a Tamilian and a Malayalee and a north Indian have to talk about this, it sure is bound to cause enough diversity !

I've heard, people of Bengal, Assam and Orissa predominantly use 'O' in place of 'A'. So my doubt is what will happen to our Bollywood icons "Amar, Akbar, Anthony" ? Will they become "Omor, Okbor, Onthony" ? My lack of exposure to the North East helps because my already confused mind can't withstand any more of that.

The level of knowledge of Indians about India is really pathetic. A lot of Malayalees think the language I speak [Konkani] is from Karnataka because I am from Karnataka and they ask me, "Is it Telunk ?". A large number of people in Karnataka don't know Tamil and Malayalam are two different languages. Most of North Indians still call all South Indians, "Madrasis" even in 2012.

North Indian serials and movies still show South Indians as the bumbling dark man in shabbily worn mundu with the name, Mr. Aiyer. The level of ignorance of these people is exposed by the fact that Babita, the Bengali wife of Mr. Aiyer in "Tarak Mehta Ka Oolta Chasma" calls him Aiyer and not by his first name. South Indian men are almost always shown as educated but somehow they are always selling coconuts wearing feminine expressions and the "Ayyayyo" has to be repeated every 3 minutes. And the typical Sardarji has to be an idiot. Contempt for 'the others' is our nature !

Wife calls her husband, "Aiyer"

Internet is brimming with people fighting about 'OUR' state and language being better and other people being suckers. Kannada vs Tamil fights, Telugu vs Tamil fights, Mallus vs Others fights, North vs South fights, Bongs vs Others fights and Us vs them fights ! There are hardly any Indians we see and then we proudly proclaim, "मेरा भारत महान" or "Mera Bharat Mahaan". In Kerala, a lot of people would pronounce it as "Mera Pharat Mahaan" !

In spite of all these, we Indians are indeed "Mahaan", because we still exist, survive and flourish together !



Dr. Punned-it

ಕತ್ತೆ ಬಾಲದ ಕಥೆ : ಒಂದು ಮಹಾ ಪ್ರಬಂಧ

 "ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು ಸಾರ್ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು"

ಕತ್ತೆ ಒಂದು ಬಹು ಸಾಧು ಪ್ರಾಣಿ. ಇದಕ್ಕೆ ನಾಲ್ಕು ಕಾಲು, ಎರಡು ಕಣ್ಣು, ಎರಡು ಮೂಗು ಮತ್ತು ಎರಡು ಕಿವಿಗಳಿವೆ. ಶರೀರದ ಮುಂಭಾಗದಲ್ಲಿ ಒಂದು ಬಾಯಿ ಹಾಗೂ ಹಿಂಭಾಗದಲ್ಲಿ ಒಂದು ಕತ್ತೆಬಾಲದಂಥ ಬಾಲ ಇದೆ. ಬಾಯಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ತುಂಬಾ ಹಲ್ಲುಗಳಿವೆ ಮತ್ತು ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಕಿರಿಚಾಡಲು ಒಂದು ಉದ್ದದ ನಾಲಿಗೆ ಇದೆ.

ಕತ್ತೆ ಕುದುರೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಇರುವ ಆದರೆ ಕುದುರೆ ಅಲ್ಲದ ಕುದುರೆಯ ವಂಶಕ್ಕೆ ಸೇರಿದ ಜೀವಿ. ಆದರೆ ಇದು ಹೀನ ಜಾತಿಯ ಪ್ರಾಣಿ ಆದುದರಿಂದ ಇದನ್ನು ಎಲ್ಲರು ಕತ್ತೆ ಎಂದು ಹೀಗಳೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಜೀಬ್ರ ಎಂಬುದು ಇದೇ ವಂಶಕ್ಕೆ ಸೇರಿದ ಮಿಶ್ರ ಜಾತಿಯ ವಿದೇಶದಿಂದ ಆಮದು ಮಾಡಿದ ಪ್ರಾಣಿ.

ದನ, ಎಮ್ಮೆ, ಆಡು ಹಾಗೂ ಒಂಟೆಯ ಹಾಲು ಕುಡಿಯುವ ಮನುಷ್ಯರಾರೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಹಾಲು ಕುಡಿಯುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಇದು ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಇರುವ ಕೀಳರಿಮೆ ಕಾರಣವಾಗಿ ಎಂದು ತೋರುತ್ತದೆ. ಆದರೆ ಇದರಿಂದ ಸತ್ಯವಾದ ಲಾಭ ಆಗುವುದು ಕತ್ತೆಮರಿಗೆ. ಅದರ ಪಾಲಿನ ಹಾಲನ್ನು ಯಾರೂ ಕದ್ದು ಕುಡಿಯುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಹೀಗೆ ನೋಡಿದರೆ ಕತ್ತೆಮರಿ ಬಹು ಭಾಗ್ಯಶಾಲಿ.

ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಸಂಸ್ಕೃತದಲ್ಲಿ "ಗಾರ್ಧಬ" ಎಂಬ ಶುಭ ನಾಮವಿದೆ. ಹಿಂದಿಯಲ್ಲಿ "ಗಧಾ" ಎಂದೂ, ತಮಿಳ್ ಹಾಗೂ ಮಲಯಾಳಂನಲ್ಲಿ "ಕಳ್ಹುದ" ಎಂದೂ ತೆಲುಗಿನಲ್ಲಿ "ಗಾಡಿದ" ಎಂದೂ ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ. "ಕತ್ತೆಗೇನು ಗೊತ್ತು ಕಸ್ತೂರಿ ಪರಿಮಳ" ಎಂದು ಹಿರಿಯರು ಹೇಳಿದ ಗಾದೆ ನಿಜವಾಗಿಯೂ ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಮಾಡಿದ ಮಹಾ ದ್ರೋಹ ಹಾಗೂ ಅವಮಾನ. ಕತ್ತೆಯನ್ನು ಕನ್ನಡದಲ್ಲಿ ಮುದ್ದಾಗಿ "ಕತ್ತೇ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯುವ ಅಷ್ಟು ಸೊಗಸಾಗಿ ಬೇರೆ ಭಾಷೆಗಳಲ್ಲಿ ಕರೆಯಲು ಆಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ ಎಂಬುದು ಸತ್ಯ.

"ಕಾರ್ಯವಾಸಿ ಕತ್ತೆ ಕಾಲು ಹಿಡಿ" ಎನ್ನುವ ಗಾದೆ ಯಾರೋ ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಒದೆ ತಿಂದ ದುಷ್ಟ ಹಾಗೂ ಸೇಡಿನ ಮನೋಭಾವದ ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಮಾಡಿದ್ದಿರಬೇಕು. ಒದೆ ಖಂಡಿತ ಎಂದು ತಿಳಿದ ಯಾರಾದರು ಕತ್ತೆ ಕಾಲೋ ಬಾಲವೋ ಹಿಡಿಯುತ್ತಾರೇನು ?

ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಕುದುರೆಯ ಎತ್ತರವಿಲ್ಲ ಮತ್ತು ಕುದುರೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಓಡಲು ಬರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ, ಆದುದರಿಂದ ಇದನ್ನು ಕುದುರೆ ಓಟದ ಪಂದ್ಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಓಡಿಸಲಾಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಕತ್ತೆ ಒಂದು ಸಸ್ಯಾಹಾರಿ ಪ್ರಾಣಿ. ಆದರೆ ಇದಕ್ಕೆ ಕಸ, ಹುಲ್ಲು, ಪ್ಲಾಸ್ಟಿಕ್ ಮತ್ತು ರಸ್ತೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಸಿಗುವ ಯಾವುದೇ ವಸ್ತುವನ್ನು ತಿಂದು ಅರಗಿಸಿಕೊಳ್ಳುವ ಶಕ್ತಿ ಇದೆ. ಆದುದರಿಂದ "ಕತ್ತೆ ಮೇದಲ್ಲಿ ಮತ್ತೆ ಮೇವಿಲ್ಲ" ಎಂದು ಹೇಳುತ್ತಾರೆ.

ನಮ್ಮ ಗಣಿತದ ಮೇಸ್ಟ್ರು ಒಮ್ಮೆ ನಮ್ಮ ಸಹಪಾಟಿ ರಾಮುವನ್ನು ದನಕ್ಕೆ ಬಡಿಯುವ ಹಾಗೆ ಬಡಿಯುವಾಗ ಅವನು ಕರ್ಕಶವಾಗಿ ಕೂಗಿದನು. ಆವಾಗ ಮೇಷ್ಟ್ರು "ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ಕೂಗಬೇಡ, ಗೂಬೆ" ಎಂದು ಹೇಳಿದರು. ಕತ್ತೆಗೂ ಗೂಬೇಗು ಏನು ಸಂಬಂಧ ಎಂದು ನಮಗೆ ಅರ್ಥವಾಗಲಿಲ್ಲ. ಆದರೆ ಮೇಷ್ಟ್ರ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಕೇಳಲು ಯಾರಿಗೂ ಧೈರ್ಯವಿರಲಿಲ್ಲ. ದನದ ಹಾಗೆ ಏಟು ತಿನ್ನಬೇಕಾಗಬಹುದು ಎನ್ನುವ ಭಯದಿಂದಯಾರೂ ಬಾಯಿ ಬಿಡಲಿಲ್ಲ.

ನಮ್ಮ ಅಮ್ಮ ದಿನಾ ಸಂಜೆ ಭಜನೆ ಹಾಡುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಆವಾಗಲೆಲ್ಲ ನಮ್ಮ ಅಪ್ಪ ಮನೆಯ ಹೊರಗೆ ಬಂದು ನಿಂತುಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತಾರೆ. "ಏಕಪ್ಪ ನೀವು ಈ ಹೊತ್ತೆಲ್ಲ ಹೊರಗೆ ನಿಂತು ಸೊಳ್ಳೆಯ ಕಡಿತಕ್ಕೆ ಬಲಿಯಾಗುತ್ತೀರಾ ?" ಎಂದು ಕೇಳಿದಾಗ, ಅಪ್ಪ ಹೇಳಿದರು, "ನೋಡಪ್ಪ, ನಿನ್ನ ಅಮ್ಮ ಹೀಗೆ ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ಹಾಡುವಾಗ ನಮ್ಮ ನೆರೆಮನಯವರೆಲ್ಲ ನಾನು ಒಳಗಡೆ ನಿನ್ನ ಅಮ್ಮನನ್ನು ಹೊಡೆಯುತ್ತೇನೆಂದು ತಪ್ಪು ತಿಳಿದು ಕೊಳ್ಳದಿರಲು ಹೀಗೆ ಹೊರಗೆ ನಿಂತು ಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತೇನೆ".

ಧನ್ಯವಾದ: ಫಡ್ನಿಸ್

ಆವಾಗ ನನ್ನ ಸಂಶಯ ಇನ್ನೂ ಜಾಸ್ತಿ ಆಯಿತು. "ಗೂಬೆಗೂ, ರಾಮು ಕಿರಿಚಾಡುವುದಕ್ಕೂ, ಅಮ್ಮ ಹಾಡುವುದು ಹಾಗೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಕೂಗುವುದಕ್ಕೂ ಏನಪ್ಪಾ ಸಂಬಂಧ ?" ಎಂದು ಅಪ್ಪನ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಕೇಳಿದೆ. ಆಗ ಅವರು ಹೇಳಿದರು, "ನಾನು ನಿನ್ನ ಅಮ್ಮನ ಹಾಡು ಮಾತ್ರ ಸಹಿಸಿ ಇನ್ನೂ ಬದುಕಿದ್ದೀನಪ್ಪಾ. ಇನ್ನು ನಿನ್ನ ಗೆಳೆಯನ ಕೂಗು ಸಹಿಸುವ ಶಕ್ತಿ ನನಗಿಲ್ಲ. ಆದುದರಿಂದ ನನಗೆ ಈ ವಿಷಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಏನು ಹೇಳಲು ಆಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ" ಎಂದು ಹೇಳಿದರು.

ಹೀಗೆ ನನ್ನ ಸಂಶಯ ಸಂಶಯವಾಗಿಯೇ ಉಳಿಯಿತು. ಹಾಗಿರುವಾಗ ಒಂದು ದಿನ ನಮ್ಮ ದೂರದ ಸಂಬಂಧಿ ಜಟಾಯು ಮಾಮ ಮನೆಗೆ ಬಂದರು. ಅಪ್ಪ ಅವರನ್ನು ಊಟ ಮಾಡೀನೇ ಹೋಗಬೇಕು ಎಂದು ಒತ್ತಾಯ ಮಾಡಿದರು. ಆಗ ಅಮ್ಮ ಅಪ್ಪನನ್ನು ಒಳಗೆ ಕರೆದು ಹೇಳಿದರು, "ಏನ್ರಿ, ನಿಮಗೆ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪಾನಾದ್ರೂ ಬುದ್ಧಿ ಇದ್ಯೆನ್ರಿ ? ಈ ಜಟಾಯು ಬಂದ್ರೆ ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ಮಾಡಿದ್ದೆಲ್ಲ ತಿಂದು ಹೋಗ್ತಾರೆ. ಮನೇಲಿರೋ ನಮ್ಮ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಏನಾದ್ರೂ ಕಾಳಜಿ ಇದ್ಯೆನ್ರಿ ನಿಮಗೆ ?"

ನಮ್ಮ ನೆರೆಮನೆಯ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಆಂಟಿ ಯಾವಾಗಲು ಅಮ್ಮನ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಅವರ ಅತ್ತೆಯನ್ನು "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದೇ ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಅಮ್ಮ, "ಯಾಕ್ರೀ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಹೀಗೆ ಹೇಳ್ತೀರಾ ?" ಎಂದು ಕೇಳಿದರೆ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಆಂಟಿ ಹೇಳ್ತಾರೆ, "ನೋಡ್ರೀ ಅಕ್ಕ, ಈ ಮುದಿ ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಯಾವಾಗ ನೋಡಿದರು ನನ್ನ ತಪ್ಪು ಕಂಡು ಹಿಡಿಯೋದೇ ಕೆಲಸ. ನೀವೂ ಇದ್ದೀರಾ, ದಿನಾ ನನ್ಹತ್ರ ಊಟ ಆಯ್ತಾ ? ಅಂತ ಕೇಳ್ತೀರಾ. ಈ ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ನಾನ್ ಸತ್ರು ಬೇಜಾರಿಲ್ಲ. ಪಾಪ ಸಂಜೆ ಬರುವಾಗ ನಮ್ಮೋರ್ ಹತ್ರಾನು ಫಿರ್ಯಾದಿ ಮಾಡಿ ಜೀವನ ಎಲ್ಲ ಹಾಳು ಮಾಡ್ತಾರೆ. ನೀವೇ ಹೇಳಿ ನಾನು ಏನ್ ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ ?"

ಆಮೇಲೆ ಒಂದು ದಿನ ಸಂಜೆ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಅವರ ಅತ್ತೆ ರತ್ನಮ್ಮ ಅವರು ಅಮ್ಮನ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಹೇಳಿದ್ದು ಕೇಳಿದೆ, "ರೀ ಭಾರತಿ ಅವ್ರೆ, ಬನ್ರಿ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಹೊತ್ತು ಮಾತಾಡೋಣ. ಎಷ್ಟು ದಿನ ಆಯ್ತು ನಿಮ್ಹತ್ರ ಒಂದು ಮಾತಾಡಿ. ನಮ್ಮನೆ ಕತ್ತೆ ತವರುಮನೆಗೆ ಹೋಗಿದೆ. ಮನೇಲಿದ್ರೆ ಯಾವಾಗಲೂ ಏನಾದ್ರೂ ಅವಾಂತರ ಮಾಡ್ತಾನೆ ಇರುತ್ತೆ. ಈಗಲೇ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಶಾಂತಿಯಿಂದ  ಇರೋಕ್ಕಾಗುತ್ತೆ. ಪಾಪ ನಮ್ಮ ಗೋಪಿ ಹಸುವಿನಂಥ ಸ್ವಭಾವ. ಇವಳಾದ್ರೆ ಜಗಳಗಂಟಿ ಶೂರ್ಪನಖಿ ತರದ ಹುಡುಗಿ. ಎಲ್ಲಿಂದ ಸಿಕ್ತೋ ಇವಂಗೆ, ನಮ್ಮ ಹಣೆಬರಹ".

ನಮ್ಮಪ್ಪ ಅಮ್ಮನನ್ನು, ಅಮ್ಮ ಜಟಾಯು ಮಾಮನನ್ನು ಕತ್ತೆ ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯತ್ತಾರೆ. ಜಟಾಯು ಮಾಮ ಒಮ್ಮೆ ಹೇಳಿದ್ರು, "ನಿಮ್ಮ ಗಣಿತದ ಮೇಷ್ಟ್ರು ಒಂದು ದೊಡ್ಡ ಕತ್ತೆ ಕಣಪ್ಪ. ಚಿಕ್ಕ ಮಕ್ಕಳನ್ನೆಲ್ಲ ಕೆಟ್ಟದಾಗಿ ಬಡೀತಾನೆ. ಏನು ಒಂದು ಚೂರು ಮನುಷ್ಯತ್ವಾನೆ ಇಲ್ಲಾಂದ್ರೆ ?". ಈ ರಾಮು ಎಂಬ ಹುಡುಗ ಅವ್ರ ಮಗ.

ನಮ್ಮ ಶಾಲೆಯ ಮಿಟುಕಲಾಡಿ ಹಾಗು ಅಹಂಕಾರಿ ಎಂದು ಹೆಸರು ಪಡೆದ ಅಭಿರಾಮಿ ಒಮ್ಮೆ, ನಮ್ಮ ಮುಂದಿನ ಬೆಂಚಿನಲ್ಲಿ ಕುಳಿತಾಗ ಬಹು ಪೋಕ್ರಿಯಾದ ರಾಜು ಎಂಬ ಹುಡುಗ ಅವಳ ಪಾನಿ ಟೈಲ್ ಗೆ ಒಂದು ಚೀಟಿ ಕಟ್ಟಿ ಹಾಕಿದ. ಅದರಲ್ಲಿ "ಇದು ಕತ್ತೆ ಬಾಲ" ಎಂದು ಬರೆದಿತ್ತು. ಇದು ಕೈಗೆ ಸಿಕ್ಕಿದಾಗ ಅವಳು ತಿರುಗಿ ನೋಡಿದಳು. ನಾನೇನೂ ಮಾಡದೆ ಇದ್ದರೂ ಅವಳು ನನ್ನ ಕೆನ್ನೆಗೆ ಹೊಡೆದು "ನೀನೆ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಹೇಸರಗತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಬೈದಳು. ನನಗೆ ತುಂಬಾ ಸಿಟ್ಟು ಬಂದು ಅವಳನ್ನು ವಾಚಾಮಗೋಚರವಾಗಿ ಬಯ್ಯಬೇಕು ಅಂದುಕೊಂಡೆ. ಆದರೆ ಅವಳ ಕೆಂಪಾದ ಕೆನ್ನೆ ಹಾಗೂ ಮಿಂಚುವ ಕಣ್ಣುಗಳನ್ನು ನೋಡಿ ನನಗೆ ಏನೇನೂ ಹೇಳಲು ಆಗಲಿಲ್ಲ. ನನ್ನ ಬೇಸರ ಕಂಡು ಪಾಪ ರಾಮು ಹೇಳಿದ, "ಹೋಗಲಿ ಕಣೋ, ನೀನೇನೂ ಮಾಡದೆ ಇದ್ದರೂ ಅವಳು ನಿನಗೆ ಹೊಡೆದಳು ಮತ್ತೆ ಬೈದಳು. ಸತ್ಯವಾಗಿ ಅವಳೇ ಕಣೋ ಕತ್ತೆ, ನೀನಲ್ಲ." ಎಂದು. ಹಾಗೆ ನನ್ನ ನೊಂದ ಮನಕ್ಕೆ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಸಮಾಧಾನವಾಯಿತು.

"Law is an ass" ಎಂದರೆ "ನಿಯಮ ಒಂದು ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಯಾರೋ ತಿಳಿದವರು ಹೇಳಿದ್ದಾರಂತೆ. ನಮ್ಮ ಮಂತ್ರಿಗಳು ಹಾಗೂ ರಾಜಕಾರಣಿಗಳು ಒಬ್ಬರು ಮತ್ತೊಬ್ಬರನ್ನು "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾ ಇರುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಆವಾಗಾವಾಗ ವಿಧಾನಸಭೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಕತ್ತೆ ನಾಯಿಗಳ ತರ ಹೊಡೆದಾಡಿಕೊಳ್ಲೋದನ್ನ ನಾವು ದೂರದರ್ಶನದಲ್ಲಿ ಕಾಣುತ್ತೇವೆ. ಆದರೆ ಸತ್ಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಇವರೆಲ್ಲ ಜನರನ್ನು ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು ಎಂದು ತಿಳಿದು ಹೊರಲಾಗದ ಕರಗಳನ್ನೆಲ್ಲ ನಮ್ಮ ಬೆನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ಹೊರಿಸುತ್ತಾರೆ ಎಂದು ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಆಂಟಿಯವರ ಗಂಡ ಗೋಪಿ ಅಂಕಲ್ ಹೇಳ್ತಾರೆ. ಅವರನ್ನೇ "ಯಾವಾಗ್ ನೋಡಿದರೂ ಆಫೀಸ್ ಕೆಲಸ ಅಂತ ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ದುಡೀತಾನೆ. ಮನೆ ಕಡೆ ಚಿಂತೇನೆ ಇಲ್ಲ ಹುಡುಗನ್ಗೆ" ಅಂತ ಅವರ ಅಪ್ಪ ಬಯ್ಕೊಂತಾರೆ.

ಈ ಕತ್ತೆ ಬಾಲದ ಕಥೆ ಉದ್ದುದ್ದಕ್ಕೆ ಬೆಳೆಯುತ್ತಾ ಇದೆ. ನೋಡ್ತಾ ಹೋದ್ರೆ ಎಲ್ಲರೂ ಎಲ್ಲರನ್ನ "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಅಂತ ಕರೀತಾರೆ. ಸ್ವತಹ ತಮ್ಮನ್ನೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಅಂತ ಬಾಕಿಯವರು ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ ಅಂತ ಯಾರಿಗೂ ಗೊತ್ತಿಲ್ಲ. ನನಗೆ ಮಾತ್ರ ಗೊತ್ತಿದೆ, ಯಾಕೇಂದ್ರೆ ಆ ಅಭಿರಾಮಿ ನನ್ನ ಮುಂದೇನೆ "ಹೇಸರಗತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆದದ್ದು. ಸತ್ಯವಾಗಿ ನೋಡಿದ್ರೆ ಅವಳೇ ಒಳ್ಳೆಯವಳು ಅಂತನಿಸುತ್ತೆ. ಏನಿದ್ರೂ ಮುಂದೇನೆ ಹೇಳಿದಳು. ಹಿಂದಿನಿಂದ ಹೀಗಳೆಯುವವರೇ ಜಾಸ್ತಿ ಇರುವ ಲೋಕದಲ್ಲಿ ಮುಖ ನೋಡಿ ಮುಂದೇನೆ ಹೇಳಿದ ಕೆಂಪು ಗಲ್ಲದ ಪಾನಿ ಟೈಲ್ ಹುಡುಗಿ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಬೇರೆ ತರ ಕಾಣಿಸಿದಳು. ಇದು ಆಶ್ಚರ್ಯ ಅಲ್ಲವೇ ?

ಏನೇ ಹೇಳಿದರೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಎಂಬ ಮುದ್ದಾದ ಸಾಧು ಪ್ರಾಣಿಯನ್ನು ಹೀಗಳೆಯುವ ಮನುಷ್ಯರ ಸ್ವಭಾವ ನನಗೆ ತೀರ ಇಷ್ಟವಾಗಲಿಲ್ಲ. ಎಷ್ಟು ಭಾರ ಬೆನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ಹೊರಿಸಿದರೂ ಯಾವುದೇ ರೀತಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ವಿರೋಧಿಸದೆ ಅನವರತ ಕೆಲಸ ಮಾಡುವ ಕತ್ತೆಯೇ ನಿಜವಾದ ಕರ್ಮಜೀವಿ. 

ಮನುಷ್ಯರು ಒಬ್ಬರು ಒಬ್ಬರನ್ನು "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯುವುದಲ್ಲದೆ ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಆಗಲು ಯಾರೂ ಶ್ರಮಿಸುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಕಷ್ಟಪಟ್ಟು ಕೆಲಸ ಮಾಡುವುದು ಯಾರಿಗೂ ಇಷ್ಟವಲ್ಲ. ಆದರೆ ಎಲ್ಲರ ಅಭಿಪ್ರಾಯದಲ್ಲಿ ತನ್ನ ಹೊರತು ಬಾಕಿ ಎಲ್ಲರೂ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು. ಹೀಗೆ ಇಷ್ಟವಲ್ಲದೆ ಇದ್ದರೂ ಎಲ್ಲರೂ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳೇ. ಕುರಿಗಳು ಸಾರ್ ಕುರಿಗಳು ಎಂದು ಯಾರೋ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಮನುಷ್ಯರು ಬರೆದಿದ್ದರಂತೆ. ಸತ್ಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಈ ಲೋಕವೆಲ್ಲ "ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು ಸಾರ್ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು" !




Dr. Punned-it

Montek's monument: Shit happens !

A lot of shit has been washed down the flush since the controversy about the Rs. 35 lakhs toilet erupted. I thought it's better late than never to make my humble contribution to the load of shit-talk going on.

So what would be the reaction of different people once they see this 'monumental' toilets ?

Pratibha Patil: Oh shit, how could I have missed this place ? Immediately arrange a visit before the Presidential elections.

Manmohan Singh: Finally a place where I can shit in peace without worrying about all the shit that is going on around me.

Mamta Banerjee: This is shit neglect of Bengal. Either roll back the toilet of construct one Kolkotta.

Rahul Gandhi: This proves my theory of two Indias. There are millions who don't have decent toilets to shit and then we have such toilets but people who just can't shit.

The 'Other' India !

Digvijay Singh: This is a Sangh Parivar conspiracy to smear shit on the Congress and Gandhi-Nehru family. We will not allow them to succeed.

Kapil Sibal: Shit or no shit, we can prove that it is not a national waste but just a notional waste !

M. S. Dhoni: Well of course, there was no decent toilet facility in Siachen Glacier. We have to keep our calm and remember you can't win always. Shit happens, oops it happens. The final result is not in our hands, but we have to keep performing.

Sachin Tendulkar: Aila, I just said no for a bungalow. If I knew making shit was so expensive in Delhi, I would have said no to the Rajya Sabha seat also.

Virendra Sehwag: I will play my natural game. The kind of toilet doesn't change my approach to shit. If there is width, I will attack. There is no question of changing my approach.

Narendra Modi: It is a clear cut Italian conspiracy. They have used Italian tiles, Italian marbles and Italian granite and even Italian Engineers to please their Madam. They can even import Italian shit now.

Yeddiyurappa:  People of Karnataka want me back in my shit, I mean my seat. Otherwise people will bring down this illegal government with the help of illegal Kings of mine.

Baba Ramdev: I have a strong doubt, they have constructed this place not to make shit, but to hide the black money. Otherwise why are they planning to restrict visitors with card entry ?

Anna Hazare: With the money they have wasted, they could have passed the Jan Lokpal bill. Instead, they have made arrangement to pass motion. I prefer to fast till death than shit in those toilets !

Aamir Khan: Shit happens, but in the end, "Satyameva Jayate" will be a big hit !

Shah Rukh Khan: My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist. Then why this card for entry to a place where we go to shit ? Trust me, in Kolkotta, you can do it anywhere !

Salman Khan: Critics call my movies shit. This toilet cost just 35 lakhs. Sanjay Leela Bhansali's sets cost much more than that. And my movies make more than 100 Crores. Mujh par ek ehsaan kar ke mujh par koi ehsaan mat kar. I don't need anyone else' toilets. I will pass my own shit.

N. S. Sidhu: They have constructed such a monument for that purpose my friend, because the planning commission is full of big big ideas that in reality amount to just a whole load of monumental shit !

And finally...


Montek Singh Ahluwalia: Oye, shit ! I forgot my card. Now what will I do ? It is urgent... eeeeee !!!

Dr. Punned-it

Moun Mohan Singh and some Political Blasphemy !

 Finding no concrete substance to blog about, I had concentrated on micro-blogging on Facebook. Then it struck me, I can as well compile those 'photos' on the Blog for keeping things in one place apart from my page "Live, Love & Laugh" on Facebook.

So here is the new experimental post with a compilation of some of my posts on our Prime Minister. Some people found it obnoxious, below the belt and crude. But some people found it funny. Anyway, without any malice towards the elderly statesman, I bring my posts on our Prime Minister here.

This is about modern day Gandhi'ji's monkeys. This evoked some strong reactions !

This one is about 2 Sardar-jis and then the women who control them !

This was a cute photoshopped one I borrowed from the www and added English words where the original work had Marathi words.

This was about the Italian tourists capture, inspired by an SMS.

Needs no description !

After the Petrol price hike !

Dr. Punned-it