Sab Theek Ho Jayega !

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Kochi / Ernakulam, Kerala, India
A Doctor who loves to Live, Love and Laugh with the World! Absolutely crazy about Cricket ! Other Qualifications: A Tired Bathroom Singer, Retired Gully Cricketer and Satire Writer !

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Buy Two Get Two Free : Confessions of a Bike-o-phobic !

I couldn't care much for what my wife thought of my firm "No" to her demand to buy a 'Scooty' for her. I just told her, "You are the only wife I have and I need you in one piece". She didn't like it one bit but had no choice. Knowing her fetish for freebies, I offered in return, "You are asking for a two-wheeler. I offer you a 100% extra on that and we'll buy a two-wheeler with four-wheels for you. Don't you think that is a better offer ? Buy two and get two free !"

"Very funny" she retorted, "Keep all four for yourself. I don't need that. I will continue to toil on those merciless buses". I made my next move of buying a Scooty with those additional small wheels. She blunted my offer with, "I am not asking for an auto rickshaw. I can manage as I am now. Don't bother".

Well, next morning I was not woken up but was rather jolted thanks to my 'sense of humor'. Let me confess, "I must be the 'only husband' on earth whose wife has a two-wheeler driving license but I don't". She has both car and two-wheeler driving license but can't drive or ride.

My dislike for the two-wheelers wasn't congenital, hereditary or anything like that. Very early in life, I was extremely fond of my Raleigh bicycle and used to be a terror on two wheels with my speed and unruly cycling. Once into teens, I too was enamored by the bikes of those days. The Ind-Suzuki Vishnuvardhan rode in the Kannada movie "Onde Guri" was a dream, not only for me but to most of the youth those days.
The Bike we were in awe of !
Fortunately or unfortunately, I couldn't afford bikes when I liked them. Today, when I can afford a few of them, I am pathologically scared of them. Some accidents in close circles are perhaps the main reason for my bike-phobia. It only worsened of late when two boys I've known for many years were lost forever due to bike accidents.

Classmate Sunitha Jain's Luna was the only two-wheeler I managed to ride during my college days. I was quite proficient with car driving when a cousin of mine suggested I 'must' learn bike-riding. Even though I had reservations, I agreed and went for my bike-riding lessons with him.

How did my dislike for bikes originate ? Very simple, the bikes come with a 'hand operated clutch' and what you press with your right foot is 'not' the accelerator. So when my cousin said, "Release the clutch slowly and give accelerator", I did what I do with my car. But the engine just died down with a whimper. My cousin said, "Not that, not that one, you have to turn the accelerator in your right hand.

So I released the clutch and turned on the accelerator. The damned thing began to dance like a rodeo bull because I was still pressing my right pedal inadvertently. Before we knew, both of us were on the ground with the bull, I mean the bike jamming both of us underneath in a messy tangle of legs, handle bar and hands. Luckily we weren't much hurt.

We pulled ourselves out of the tangle and mounted the bull again. This time I decided to be more meticulous and kept my right leg off the pedal and gradually did what I was supposed to do. Now it was a sudden take off and my cousin was down on his back and the bike was now celebrating his fall like a horse standing on his hind legs with the front wheel in the air and I was holding on dearly with both feet in the air. And then I was down again.

I understood one thing, this entity called bike had a mind of its own. In fact, it was not 'it'. It had to be 'Her' because only a 'she' is capable of such vindictiveness and tantrums. I was convinced about that. She had decided from the word go that, "I'm not going to allow this idiot to ride me at any cost". She knew I didn't like her at all. Though my cousin really loved her, he had to face her wrath because he did the unpardonable act of making a moron mount her.

My cousin recovered back to his feet and declared, "Govindu, you may be a Doctor but you are not up to it, when it comes to bikes. I don't want to test my luck a third time. So my advise is, you never ever try a bike again. You're simply good for nothing". Most people would have taken this as an insult or as a challenge and tried harder. But I loved my cousin too much and didn't want to risk his life for a third time and thus ended my tryst with bike-riding !

So why and how did my dislike and fear turn into hatred for two-wheelers ? Just look at the picture. It is self explanatory !
A world infested with bikes !
The bikes crisscross, overtake you from right, left and from any possible angle. They overtake from left and immediately cut to right before you. They jam both sides of the road when there is a queue. After doing all this, they park between two perfectly placed cars and then some of them on both sides so that not a single car will be able to budge from their position. Try moving those handle-bar locked monsters from the crevice between two cars and then people will realize why I hate bikes so much !

Most bikers park their nuisance machines wherever they feel like and leave without a bother about how much bother they are causing for others. Often if someone is standing with his legs apart in stand at ease posture, he might see bikes parked between the parted legs before he could realize. Often, we can see a bike parked strategically in a car park, eating into a space that could have easily hosted two cars.

The rudeness, rashness and brashness of the bike riders has to be experienced to be believed. Many a bikers believe 'helmet' is worn to avoid fines. Trying to overtake from a cleft on the left side is routine for the mean machines. If by chance they bump into your car, be ready to face choicest of abuses and even physical violence. The feeling of immortality associated with youth makes them behave thus and sometimes leading to doom.

One thing about these bikes is most of them run for 5 - 6 days with a table spoon of petrol. Like the remarkable cockroach, they can squeeze into any crevice, survive any traffic jam and can find a place to park inside a ladies handbag if necessary. Some youngsters are married to the bike and some even go to the loo on it.

Girls and two-wheelers is definitely a deadly combination. As it is, they have smaller frontal lobes in the brain and mostly have extremely ordinary driving skills. Give them the unpredictable little mischief makers and what we have is utter chaos on roads. The ladies scooter too has a mind of own. It never agrees with the rider and both of them always go their own way. Where it all ends depends upon the cosmic forces and of course the net result of the two opposite forces.

An average girl will be concerned about her jeans / salwar / saree, makeup, hair and of course mobile while riding a scooter. While boys have rear-view mirrors that adjust themselves in the direction of girls, a girl's rear-view mirror is built to make sure she won't miss seeing herself while riding.

But the best thing about a girl's two-wheeler is the indicator. Whatever we do, the indicator will show left when the girl turns right and right when she wants to go straight. So much so, some companies have initiated steps to install different set of indicators designed for girls. These smart indicators will start working only after the girl has made up her mind as to which way she wants to turn or if she wants to turn at all.

Well, I've wandered too far from my original plan of confessing about my bike-phobia. Let me be pardoned for that. I think I've confessed enough to last for a couple of weeks. So let me conclude by saying, "I don't hate bikes, the bikes hate me. I'm just scared of them like I'm scared of girls. I don't understand either of them. Not my fault !"

Dr. Punned-it

1 comment:

  1. Hi,

    Please post a Hi resolution image of the Ind-Suzuki advert.

    Thanks so much


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