Faby and Me; It's a Dog's Life !

I believe there isn't much of a difference between Pets and Pests. Just an additional 's'. My dislike for pets is a product of growing up in a joint family with some people having great affection for the canines. Having a huge black quadruped panting in your living room, sitting next to you wasn't my idea of a home. But I had to tolerate them and that is how my dislike for all pets was born.

My daughter was about 3 years old when she wanted a kitten at home. I just told her, "Okey Baby, we will bring one. That thing will sleep in your room along with you, eat from your plate and sometimes, just sometimes pee in your bed". Story over.

Coming to circa 2011, I still remain a mile away from animals. Love shooting them and have some real nice ones. But my love for the non-human species is mostly a long distance one. I wouldn't mind the swimming variety though. I had a fascination for the aquarium since childhood and have plans to bring one home soon.

The Big Cat Albino - I shot him !

About 10 months ago, we were passing through very difficult period due to the illness and delicate condition of my Father in law. He subsequently passed away in September. There is a dog in our neighborhood. He is a ferocious black fellow living with our next door neighbors.

For 3 days in succession, me and my daughter were scared out of wits by this demon whenever we stepped out of our house. Our requests to rein him met with amused smiles by his owners. On the third day, I had to retaliate. I shouted at them, "You guys rein him in and keep him tied there. Else I will call the Corporation guys and get him bumped off.".

Never saw him since then till last evening. As I was walking back home after finishing my appointments in my clinic, I saw this fellow. He was growling and staring at me, from a distance. I picked up a stone from the road, just to safeguard  myself from an attack. He looked sullen but not aggressive.

All of a sudden, he started talking in Malayalam, "Don't you worry. I am not like you. I don't carry old grudges. I just don't want to live in that jail for another ten months thanks to you". I just rubbed my eyes in disbelief. I thought the soft drink I drank about an hour ago had something in it.

Looking at my discomfiture, he talked again, "No, you aren't hallucinating. If you can afford to own a 'Car that can Talk' and 'Write', your neighbor can own a talking Dog. They love me more than you ever loved your car. You paid a hefty sum for that white monster. I came free. But they still love me. I know it hurt them when they had to keep me in that jail all these days just because of you".

Convinced about the authenticity of the talking dog, I asked him, "So what makes you talk, that too after such a long time ?  And don't you play the victim. It was your ferocious behavior that prompted me to do what I did. I have the responsibility to protect my child. You were threatening us".

He replied, "You totally mistook me then. I wasn't exactly angry or trying to attack you or your daughter. I was just showing my displeasure at you for talking to a neighbor about getting my brethren bumped off. You were being unfair".

I said, "That is rubbish. One of your brethren had scratched me. I was forced to take those injections. They had become a menace around. They were spoiling this place too...". He asked me politely, "Do you have time to talk ? I can prove you wrong and clear your misplaced delusions of grandeur. By the way, my name is Faby".

That was an open challenge from a Dog to a Man. I could not have let the mankind down. So here goes the dialogue...

Faby: First of all, my cousin didn't scratch you intentionally. That was an accident. He was just playing with another cousin and you just happened to bump into him. It was just plain mishap.

Me: Well, it could be true. But he was very rash...

Faby: Look who's talking. You humans have invented such monstrous vehicles that are running amok on the roads. Do you have any idea how many of my brethren have died ? Leave it alone, do you know how many of your own species have gone under those demons ? Don't you have any remorse ?

Me: Well, that is the price we pay for the progress. I don't deny rash drivers. But even they are punished and put behind the bars.

Faby: Don't tell me. My Master was telling a few days ago that your town has seen more than ten major accidents in less than three months. I heard many people were killed by speeding buses and nobody ever got apprehended. And you forced me into that jail for ten months for just barking at you.

Me: Barking ? You were ready to even bite us that night. You don't know how dangerous you can be. You can spread Rabies.

Faby: Don't preach to me. If we bite, we do it openly. You have so many vaccines and medicines to combat Rabies. It isn't as if we cause Rabies. It affects us too and only when we are out of our minds do we cause problems. When it comes to your species, you are dangerous even without any infection.

Me: Oho, can you elaborate on that ?

Faby: Sure, very easy. When we bite, it is visible. We bite with our teeth. You can wash, use Anti-septic and cleanse and survive. When you bite, you do it with your tongue. And you can cause injuries that wouldn't heal for a lifetime. Yours is the only species on Earth that can bite with a tongue. Back biters !

This was turning out to be quite a dogged Dog !

Me: Mmmm, well, I concede that point. But that is because we are an intellectually evolved race. You guys are not. That perhaps is why you can't back bite but just bite back.

Faby: Never bother to teach me. Intellectual human shit. You think that. First of all, never call us 'Guys'. We are happy being dogs, cats and animals. Guys and Gays and all that excreta is for you humans the despicable forms. And what do you think I am doing ? I can understand your language and talk to you too. It is just that humans never tried to understand 'our' language. Have you not seen how we understand your orders and likes and dislikes ?

Me: Tall claims. You seem to be an exceptionally talented Dog. But most of your species just know how to follow and then bark and bite. That isn't intellectual. You just are not a match to us. If what you say is true, why aren't all dogs talking ?

Faby: From thousands of years, we have seen no man can understand or has even tried to understand our language, feelings and emotions. Then why should we talk your language ? We have just one language. In the name of evolution, you have so many languages. You don't know or respect languages or cultures of other people. You are so good at fighting for the sake of language, regions and religions. We are so much better. In fact I even feel ashamed of myself for even comparing ourselves to you inanimal humans.

Me: Fighting and us. Do you know what we call those who fight ? We call 'Dog eat Dog' race. We believe you dogs fight among yourselves ferociously. How can you blame us ?

Faby: I don't deny we do fight. But our fights are one to one fights. Sometimes we may fight in groups. But we don't hurt other animals during our fights. We sort out inter-dog issues between us. But as I told before, we don't back bite. We also don't send mercenaries to bump off those we don't like. We do it like all respectable dogs do. We fight our own battles. You have Mafia, quotation gangs and all those things. You just don't have the guts of animals to wage your own fights. Such mean creatures.

Me: That is just how human race has evolved. We have progressed due to our intellectual superiority. That is why we are your masters. You just don't have the prowess to do anything that we do and you just crib about it.

Faby: Holy cow. Far from it, I must say we don't obey you or anything like that. We just live with the nature. We have our own ways in life. You humans think you have prospered due to brains. But it is us who have used you. You have always worked towards inventing newer things. We just enjoy the benefits. You have seen our masters take us to Doctors who are human. We also eat food prepared by humans. So many of my brethren live in better conditions than you can even imagine. We are given bath by you. Even our excreta is cleaned by your species. You pay your own species to clear off the mess we create. What do we do ? We are supposed to protect you. And from whom are we supposed to protect you ? From yourself or from your own species. Ridiculous !

Me: Okay, you at least agree we give you all the comforts and it is our species who protect your health. That is why we call it humanity.

Faby: Don't start me on that again. It is just business. Your people go to those miserable places called Veterinary Colleges and kill and dissect our species and other animals to learn about our interiors. Why do you do it ? That is business for you. You earn a living out of it. You claim to treat your own species but you do it for your own selfish means. The so called Veterinarians do the same with us. For them we are just clients. But must say, they are a bit better than you human Doctors. You have branched so much, you don't look at your own species as humans any more. You look at people as a heart or a liver or a brain or a pair of kidneys or a leg or a hand. I wonder if you have separate specialists for different fingers of your hands. Pathetic humans !

This was getting tough. A very knowledgeable Canine. I was on a slippery ground and he was scoring well. So I had to counter him. After all, he had attacked my profession !

Me: All progress will have it's own adverse effects. Some good will come with some bad. We have to take it in a collective sense. If we didn't learn so much about ourselves and then about animals, how could we manage to progress ? You are looking at the negatives and missing the big picture. We have brought so much of improvement in health care !

Faby: Health and Care ? Eh. Do you useless humans have even a basic concept of progress ? First you invented all those terrible foods and ate them and developed all those illness you collectively call 'Lifestyle Disorders'. Then you spend millions to find remedies for them. When life began on earth, there was no AIDS, Diabetes, Heart Attack or Stroke. All these came out of your own move from the womb of nature towards the tomb of so called progress. We seldom get stroke, Heart attack or such illnesses. Even if we fall sick, we have innate immunity to cure ourselves. You people have made life impossible with your inventions. For every illness you claim to have found a remedy, newer maladies have appeared and you are still groping in the dark.

Me: That is life, we have to keep moving. There is no end to progress. More challenges, more progress. You and all of your species and other inhabitants have improved because of us.

Faby: That is a load of unholy human shit. You invented wheel and the vehicles on roads have killed millions since. You invented Bomb and you know the destruction it has lead to. You have invented missiles, warheads and what not ? Basically a problem of hatred or ego between two people. Thousands fight to unleash destruction on both sides. Finally what do you have ? Thousands of dead bodies. Your own brethren, dead before their time. Is this what you call progress ?

You people can't even keep quite. Your inventions like mobile phones have wrecked havoc and so many of those sweet chirping birds have vanished. Just see which species has prospered in numbers. All other species have dwindled, only humans have grown in number. Tigers, Lions and Elephants; all wonderful animals have gone down. And mostly because of you and your progress. Miserable !

I really was miserable now. I finally asked him, "How on earth do you know so much ? How can you counter all my points with such conviction ? A Dog simply can't do it ? Who are you ? Please..."

Faby: Well, now you are talking. I am your conscience. I just had to do this act of illusion to get you to talk to yourself. All of you have a Faby inside. But conscience is like a Dog in your world. You let it loose, it will bite you whenever you are not right. So you people leash it, tie it to some imaginary rope of convenience and push it into a cage in the name of propriety. It is when the caged Conscience stops biting back, you start back biting. That is why you humans get the leaders you deserve. Back biters, hatred-mongers, selfish and despicably destructive creatures.

You pride yourselves about Democracy, intellectualism and all those isms. But what do you actually have ? Leaders who lead you down the wrong paths. Those who lead you to fight among your own species. You have so called Religions supposed to bring peace. What actually is happening ? You are torn into pieces by religions. You have Terrorists, Extremists, Naxalites, Insurgents, Thieves, Robbers, Rapists, Child molesters, Criminals, Psychopaths and all kind of abnormal characters. Is this what you call progress ? If THIS is progress, I prefer to live a Dog's Life !

I had arrived at my home with "Ghar aaya mera Pardesi" playing on television !



Dr. Pundit

A Leave Letter

Once upon a time, there was a school in a small town with an immaculate gentleman for a Headmaster in primary school. As it happens, he got transferred to another place. The gentleman who came in his place wasn't so gentle after all.

He created a lot of ill will in the school; among the teaching fraternity and among the students. From day one, students developed a dislike for him. But they had to hide it because they couldn't have managed to live without interacting with this menacing character.

He used to bring caste and color of students to the fore. He once told the School Pupil Leader [SPL], "Why do you keep the company of those low caste boys ? You are so fair and from a reputed family. You should not mingle with these 'Shudras'". This further diminished his stature in the eyes of the students.

He brought in a lot of new rules and regulations. It was tough on the hitherto happy go lucky life of the kids. One of his new rules demanded pupils to submit a properly worded 'Leave Letter' in English and in advance. One had to give the reason for availing leave in advance. And he wanted all letters directed to him and not the Class-teacher.

A boy wanted to take 3 days leave to visit his grand-parents at Kundapur. Since there was a second Saturday, he could go on a 5 days holiday while taking only 3 days leave.

But he was scared because he had already suffered humiliation from the Headmaster for being from lower caste and for being dark skinned. The Headmaster had called him 'Dim-witted Negro'. So he went to the SPL for help. The SPL was more than willing to help him write the leave letter. Thus the leave letter happened.

Leave Letter

From:
Sadananda P.
S/O Devanna P.
Kabettu, Karkala -  574104

To:
The Headmaster
Government Higher Primary School
Kabettu, Karkala - 574104

Subject: Requisition for leave

Sir,

Hereby I would like to inform you that I will be suffering from fever from 14 December 1981 to 16 December 1981. Hence I will not be able to attend classes during this period. This is unavoidable because I will be sick during these 3 days.

I request you to kindly grant me leave of absence for these 3 days. I will make up for the absence after I get better and will cover all the subjects after I come back from Kundapur.

Thanking you,
Yours obediently


Sadananda P
11 December 1981

Post Script:

The hand of the SPL behind this letter was recognized instantaneously by the Headmaster. The leave was not granted but the boy was caned. The SPL was spared the rod and saved his position only because he was from a higher caste.

The SPL and other students continued to dislike the Headmaster but had to suffer him for just one more year. Sadananda grew up to be a quick bowler. Today, he owns and drives a taxi in Karkala. The Headmaster committed suicide in 1982. Nobody knew the reason, and fewer lamented him.

The School Pupil Leader went on to become a leg-spinner. He is a Doctor today in a far off place. He used his innate talent at mischief to become a Blogger. He continues to recollect, ruminate and rejoice at the cost of his readers, howsoever small the number might be.


Dr. Pundit

Beggars can't be Choosers ?

Beggars can't be Choosers !

How often have we heard this idiom ? This might be used to convey those in position of disadvantage don't get to make a choice. But reality often is different. It is the 'Common man' who can't choose, Beggar can !

Let us go to a shopping mall. Once there, we are directed by the security personnel about the where and which angle of parking. We are made to pay a parking fees on an hourly escalating basis. Still the security will not allow you to decide which is the best place for your precious vehicle.

The security staff can be extremely rude even if you ask them to spare a couple of minutes for your aged ones to get down. You ask for directions to the main entrance and expect a curt if not downright rude answer. Often you might be shocked by no response at all. If they are very kind, they might point a finger vaguely and you will have to wade through the confusion.

You are frisked by the security at the entrance. You are asked to open your handbag, valet and even deposit it at the reception. All this 'treatment' is for the crime of going to shop there. And you ask yourself, "Are we Beggars to be treated thus ?"

Not for a moment am I questioning the security measures. They are necessary and we live in an era of continued seize in spite of the death of Oasma bin Laden. I was surprised recently by the absolute lack of security during an IPL match at Kochi. But all acts of security checking can be done with a bit of politeness and nicety. Is it too much to expect 'Politeness' ?

Using the word 'Beggar' is politically incorrect today. They probably will be happy to hold the portfolio of "Professional Free Assistance Seeking Officer" or something like that. Can't even call a spade a sickle today. So respect all professions. What he / she does is his / her profession.

There were reports of Rich PFASOs owning houses, properties and big bank balances with the profession being a family enterprise. Well, if a Politician's progeny can be Politician with no questions asked, why not ?

I am on a Pilgrimage, give me 'My Share' !

This post started questioning 'Beggars can't be choosers' idiom. Hence let me elaborate. There was an old man who came every Saturday morning for alms. He was a nice man and polite. But wouldn't budge if he felt what we gave him was insufficient. He wouldn't complain but would stand there till my mother gave him more. After every 3 or 4 months, he would say, "I will not be coming next two weeks. Going to Vellankani. So give my share for the next 2 weeks today itself and add some more for the pilgrimage. The Mother will bless you"

Great Expectations !

We all know how PFASOs refuse coins these days. Many a times, I have come across PFASOs saying, "What will five rupees buy today ? If you give, give something substantial. I can't even buy a meal with this pittance". One beggar threw the one rupee coin I gave him back at me as I was about to leave. I couldn't understand what he was muttering though I could understand he was obviously cursing. God, piety, luck, prosperity, hereafter, heaven and hell and Dharma are the commonest words used by these people to cajole, threaten and even extort.

Curse of a Pious Man !

A family of 8 people dressed very decently came without knocking one day. They had crowded my living room after entering my home without permission. They claimed to be from Maharashtra, belonging to our community. The headman said, "We are one community. We lost our properties due to flood, famine and drought. You must help us because you can't be having dignified people of our community begging". 

Looking at a printed letter in Hindi, Marathi and English, purportedly attested by some Gazetted Officer; I offered to pay fifty rupees. He said, "Oho Brother, I said we are not beggars. We are dignified people. We need cloths, money and even food. We don't want this kind of 'Bhiksha'. Be generous and God will be generous to you".

I asked him, "So what do you expect ?". He then started name dropping of his kind. He blurted out the names of big people who had given him thousands of rupees, new dresses and even silverware. I tried to be polite and said, "But I am not a rich man. This is all I can afford to give". He immediately admonished me, "Never say you are not a rich man. The Gods will curse you to eternal poverty. What you give is yours. What you hide is taken by others. A generous man will go to heaven and the selfish will rot in hell. Don't lead your life to hell..."

I could take it no longer. I cut him down and I asked, "So where will you go ? What will happen to those who have all their body parts in good condition and still prefer to extract alms from other people rather than work for a living ?". He became furious and snorted, "You have insulted a cultured and proud family and a pious man. I curse you to rot in hell for 32,000 years. You and your family will never see good days from now".

Worried at rotting in hell for such a long time, my Mom pleaded with me to placate him and give him more money. He immediately jumped in between us and said, "Look, a worthy lady for a Mother. Listen to her and atone your sin. Else all of your family, children and  even future generations will suffer the consequences of your sin..."

I gestured him to stop and said, "Stop right there. I would prefer to rot in hell for 96000 years if such a place exists, than give a damned coin to you. You leave my home NOW without uttering another word of your gibberish. Else I will punch your nose till you bleed and then call Police to say you tried to rob us. LEAVE RIGHT NOW".

Look how Beggars choose to choose ! A topic like this can go on and on. We all have these kind of experiences. But I have to stop here for the lack of brevity my posts always attain. May be more stories on another day. There will never be a dearth of 'Choosers' in this land !




Dr. Pundit

Spiritual Wisdom in God's Own Country !

2 April 2011. Me, my wife and our daughter; we were driving back from Kovalam to reach in time for the World Cup Final. Well, those two were not bothered. But it mattered to me.

On the way, my wife noticed several long and orderly queues in front of the IMFL shops. She chuckled in disgust, "I have never seen a single man at the ration shop. Look at this, these people are good for nothing". I sympathized with her; even I have never been in a ration shop queue.

The only place where they respect the Queue !

It is another matter that I have never been in a queue at the liquor shop too. Alcohol never interested me. It may be the strict lower middle class values inculcated by my Mom. It could be financial difficulties. Or it just could be the Genes. In spite of a lot of perseverance and concerted efforts by some of my friends and some cousins, I have remained a teetotaler. A hopeless one at that !

Why should we have Friends ?

A very dear friend declared during one of our many reunions, "Hey Man, it is such a shame you still haven't tasted life. You have wasted, mind you... absolutely wasted 40 years of your life. I pity you, you good for nothing fellow". He even helped me to initiate then and there. To please him, I halfheartedly tried to take a dip. But couldn't take even a sip of that atrocious cocktail he conjured up and thus failed again. Miserable me !

A matter of Life and Death !

A cousin went on to prophesize, "Govind, what life are you living ? You don't smoke. Don't drink. Gave up non-veg. Such a silly waste of life ! You know what ? Long after all of us, your contemporaries are dead; you will still be alive. And your great grand-kids will curse that the old man isn't kicking the bucket. At least enjoy drinking so that you live well with us now and die along with us !"

My Experiments with Spirit !

All this wisdom has somehow failed to dawn on me. The grape wine presented by Christian friends during Christmas is all the taste of Alcohol I have had so far. I can't discount some of those Ayurvedic medicines given to us during childhood. The Arishtams have good Alcohol content.

Well, I also must confess I faintly remember the taste or the pungency of the Goan Cashew Fenny given to us when we had cold and fever during childhood. It was a strictly monitored affair and was restricted to half an ounce.

That is just about everything when it comes to my tryst with Alcohol. Some appetizers used as prescription medicines do contain 2 - 4% Alcohol. But being the voracious eater that I was, my parents never had to worry about my appetite. If at all, they perhaps secretly wished for someone to invent some kind of appetite suppressants !

A Spirited 'Love' Story !

Coming back to Alcohol, one wise gentleman told me, "Doctor, I have gone through your Blog. You talk about 'Live, Love and Laugh'. But you haven't lived at all. If you don't love your Liquor, you have not lived. So where does the question laughing come ?".

I shot back a sharp question, "Do you mean I am dead man walking ?". He apologized and said, "No, no, sorry, very sorry, not like that. It is just that those who don't drink will never experience the true emotions of love and laughter." I wanted him to elaborate on it and he had a story.

See Doctor Sir, I was in love with a girl when I was about 25. She also liked me. But you see, she was a Christian, and I am a Hindu, Nair. It was very difficult. But after a lot of effort, she agreed to come with me and marry me. She finally said those words, I Love You. That was the most beautiful day of my life.

But what happened ? Ask me what happened. Her father and uncles came to know. They came to our house and threatened us. My parents and sisters were threatened. And before I could react, she was married off to a boy from Saudi. She went off without a bother. Never tried to find out if this animal was alive or dead. Sounds like Cinema, right ?

Well, I am not exactly Devadas to drink and destroy my life. But I started drinking only after that. Then I also got married. But could never love my wife, because I still loved that girl. So I started drinking and that helped me. I could imagine my wife was her and that changed our life.

We have a great life now. Though my wife initially disliked my drinking, she slowly started liking that. I loved her more when I took drinks. I drink, I love and I laugh. Without drinking, our life would have been zero. That is why I say, you can't love or laugh if you don't drink. That again was some more wisdom !

A Spiritual Discourse !

Another much younger chap has a different outlook towards Alcohol. It is possible he is an inspired spirit or has borrowed his spiritual wisdom from somewhere. Whatever it be, his opinions make interesting copy.

All those who say Liquor is bad for health are just idiots. What is Liquor ? Alcohol. What is Alcohol ? An Antiseptic and Anti-Bacterial. You Medical people use it for disinfection. That thing you rub on wounds to clean it and keep it healthy is the same stuff we drink, much more diluted. So it can't be good in one place and bad in another.

Liquor prevents infections. It also protects us from developing food poisoning. Even 'Heart Specialists' advice moderate amount of liquor. It is an appetizer, coolant and also causes a lot of urination. Thus it prevents kidney stones. Some people say drinking 3 -4 liters of water a day prevents kidney stones. I say rubbish, you just need a bottle of beer for that.

I asked him, "So what is your opinion about drinking and driving ? Is that good too ?". He replied with no hesitation, "No, not good, not good at all". Excited, I asked again, "So you agree drinking is bad ?". He was emphatic now, "Nonsense. I said, Drink, don't Drive !"

I just swallowed all this wisdom because this chap was in high spirits and I couldn't have won arguing !

Bar Boys !

We held a small get together of our friends from Bellary Medical College during last Christmas vacation. It was a crowd of mostly those living in and around Mangalore. The whole affair was in really 'High Spirits'. And we called the event "Bellary Alumni Reunion". As it turned out, the abbreviation was a deliciously coined, "BAR" !

The 'BAR' Boys !

The Joke is on !

There are millions of jokes about the Liquor and the watering holes. Some very innovative ones need a mention here. Those that have impressed me and entertained me.

What is common between a Bar and a Bra ? Both drive men mad when open !

The latest theory is that drinking beer turns men into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that all the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong !

I should not be considered a Male Chauvinist. These are old jokes. But there is something about Alcohol and men. I really have seen them become emotional, lovable and even magnanimous. But the best case was a very close friend who was a very careless chap in day to day life. Very unorganized and loose talking guy, he became too gentlemanly once the 'Spirit' took him over. He was one of the best behaved guys I have seen when drunk !

The Magnanimous Classmate !

Long ago, perhaps in 1990, a classmate in Bellary made an unbelievable offer to me. Sitting in a popular joint that also had an attached bar; this chap pleaded with me, "Hey Shenoy, please man, please. Just take one glass of beer. Just one for me and our friendship. I will buy you whatever food you want. I will also sponsor a cinema tonight. And I will give you hundred bucks. Just one glass...".

I politely but firmly refused his magnanimity. Cursing me to eternal agony in hell, he left me to join his group of friends at the other corner of the restaurant. Later I was told by a common friend that this chap had a bet for a thousand bucks. He had challenged another friend that he'd get Shenoy drunk. A nonspiritual Imbecile Shenoy !

Well, after dwelling at length on 'Jevan' in my last post, I had to leave to catch up with my grub. No such luck here. I am not going to a watering hole or Bar for my fill. Especially at 1:30 AM. I get drunk on other things. Things like Cricket, Cinema, Comedy and of course boring people with my blogs. Can't help, Like Alcoholism, Old Habits die hard !


Dr. Pundit

Jevan and Konkanis: A Community that Worships Food !

I was quite impressed by a recent Facebook note by a Malayalee who claimed "I am not a Mallu". I am a naturalized citizen of God's own Country and have learned my Malayalam the hard way. There isn't an easy way to do so. So I wanted to vent my views on this issue. Time and proper words eluded me at that time.

Like all communities, ethnicities and linguistic groups, Malayalees too have their positives and negative traits. I have had the good fortune of interacting with a fairly good number of people and hence I have formed my own views of how people from different linguistic groups behave.

There can be some generalization in all opinions. But I have tried to be impartial in my views if not completely politically correct. As a gesture of playing neutral, I am starting with my own language, Konkani. My friend Jagan Mohan Rao once said, "Govind Raj speaks many languages in his mother tongue Konkani". That is true. Not only me, but almost all Konkani people do that.

In fact almost all the people of the world talk all other languages in their own mother tongue. That is a rule, not exception. People have a tendency to believe what they do is the right thing and all others is weird !

Now let me move to Konkanis without any more elaboration. Please check the links to know about the language and the people. I am not going to reproduce anything here. This is my blog and only my views are expressed here.

Konkanis are spread all over the world. They have a significant presence in Maharashtra, Goa, Karnataka and Kerala. They are also scattered all over. A stretch of geographical area along the west coast is called 'Konkan'.

The language didn't get the name from the place. The place got it because of language. Brahmans, Christians of different denominations, fisher folk, Muslims and many more different communities talk this language. And everyone believes theirs alone is the correct Konkani !

Maharashtra Konkani is influenced by Marathi. So much so, the people from other regions think it is Marathi. Goan Konkani too has become quite Marathified. In Karnataka, they have different ways with the same language in Mangalore, Karkala, Udupi, Kundapur and Karvar.

Invariably people believe theirs is the correct version. Overall, Konkani language has borrowed from Kannada, Tulu, Marathi, Hindi and many more languages in Karnataka. The level of adulteration could be anything between 15 - 20%.

In Kerala, it is a unique situation. Over the years, people have adopted Malayalam words with gay abandon and abandoned original and simpler Konkani words to adulterate the language to that extent, it sounds like Malayalam to people from other places. In fact it is now called "Mankani" !

From here onwards, when I use the word Konkanis, it means people who speak Konkani and belong to my own community, that is Gouda Saraswat Brahman abbreviated as GSB. Covering all communities is a tough job. In fact I don't know many of them.

Konkanis are born traders. Anything else they do, they do it with a trader's mentality. They prefer to build a temple, preferably Venkatachalapathy Temple and stay around the place. It has to be near an enduring water body.

Only in Goa and some small places elsewhere can we see temples dedicated to deities other than the Tirupathy God. As a rule, the temples are administered by community elders and are mostly ultra-conservative in approach to modernization. Again, the temples of Goa and some parts of Karnataka are exceptions. 

A look at the history shows that Konkanis are a peace-loving community. So peace loving, that the are remarkably incapable of fighting. Fighting others I mean. They are quite adept at in-fighting.

They left the Saraswati river basin because they couldn't fight the famine. They ran away from Northern parts of India because they couldn't fight the Islamic invaders. They ran away from prime-land Goa because they couldn't fight the Portuguese. They avoided the Malabar and preferred Kochi because they were scared of settling down in Muslim dominated regions.

You will see thousands of Konkani businessmen, Doctors and Engineers. There are Bankers, Lawyers, Intellectuals, Writers, Journalists, Poets and all kind of service sector people. There are Politicians and even a Chief Minister. But you do a combing operation and you'll find approximately about 4 Konkani soldiers. Their dislike for fight has also kept them away from Police force and security agency jobs to a large extent.

In fact, Konkanis made Banking their greatest trait. Canara Bank, Syndicate Bank and Corporation Bank are some of those nationalized banks founded by Konkanis. They were the early birds in the private sector education field too. Manipal empire was built by Konkanis. Today, it has gained popularity as Money-Pal !

There might be exceptions, but Konkanis are generally cowards by nature. Recent trends have shown they too can fight. But that unfortunately is among themselves and they do it damn too well. Issues that should have united them have actually divided them almost vertically and lead to a lot of ill-will and fights.

Leaving aside the fights, let me compile a random list of characters unique to Konkanis. In fact, some of these unique characters are possibly shared by other communities too. But mostly these are 'Konkani traits'.

Konkanis are good at learning languages. Perhaps the best in this business. They win over customers thanks to this ability. Even with clumsy attempts and broken language, they still manage to win over people in business.

If anyone doubts the above statement, kindly go to Mangalore and watch a Konkani trader doing business. He will speak Konkani, Kannada, Tulu, Hindi, Malayalam, some Tamil, some Telugu [picked up from those numerous visits to Tirupathi] and pretty decent English.

But they speak all these languages strictly in their own language, including the accent. When the appropriate word eludes them, they will use a Konkani word and expect the customer to understand !

I really don't know if it is a positive quality or a negative one. But a Konkani will be the first one to learn another language if he were to live in an alien place. Even on home ground, they prefer to deal with other peoples' language. One reason might be they want to keep the language exclusive and use it to guard business and trade secrets !

In spite of best efforts, learning Konkani is tough for Non-Konkanis; especially in adulthood. The accent is the major hurdle. Even people who know the sister language Marathi can't manage the accent part.

Most of the Non-Konkanis believe Konkanis are stingy by nature. Something like West Coast's answer to Marwadis. But Konkanis believe they are just careful and conservative.

In Karnataka, Konkanis are called '7' because they are believed to be like a hook that wants to catch everything.

An old story goes thus. A Konkani was being washed away by flash floods. He caught hold of a bear in that desperate situation. Once he realized it was a bear, he started yelling at people for help. But people on the shores thought he had jumped into water to retrieve a 'Kambal' [A blanket made from coarse wool]. They dismissed him saying, "A Konkani will never jump into water unless he sees some profit in it". 

But Konkanis believe they have been subjugated by others to become 'bent' like '7'.

Konkanis of all regions speak in different accents and styles. And everyone thinks others speak 'crap'.

You will never see a Konkani begging for alms on the roads. They have temples which feed jobless people and lazy bumpkins.

One most remarkable character of a Konkani is the ability to be extremely neutral when two people are fighting. He will never take sides for fear of fighting.

Konkanis of Kerala were reluctant to give girls in marriage to Konkani boys from Mangalore in the past. That was because Konkanis of Mangalore and Goa used to eat fish. Over the past 20 years, the Kerala Konkanis have progressed rapidly and left their Mangalore counterparts way behind. Today they are carnivorous and relish beef  like their Malayalee brethren.

Another trend noted from Kerala is the reluctance of a lot of Konkanis to speak their mother tongue. Many adults, a large number of youth and even larger number of kids prefer not to speak Konkani. This betrays a feeling of inferiority complex. They fear ridicule from Malayalees. Little do they realize that they are ridiculed even when they speak Malayalam because they are pretty awful with that.

Unfortunately we might see complete extinction of Konkani language from Kerala over a period of 50 - 100 years. Many other communities who had Konkani as their language have already forsaken the language. This is really sad because the trend appears to be irreversible.

Those Konkanis of Kerala who still use the language have adulterated the language with up to 80%  Malayalam words. And the present generation doesn't even know this. Those who know, don't care.

Konkanis of South Karnataka have adapted well with the local culture and have adopted almost 20% words from local languages. But they have declared those words to be of Konkani origin adopted by other languages. Issue closed !

One thing common to Konkanis of all regions is their love for 'Dal Chawal', 'Pathra Vada' and  and 'Jevan'. Haven't seen another community that loves food as much as Konkanis do. Well, they in fact 'Worship' food. Nothing else matters to a Konkani when there is food in site ! THIS is first hand information.

Jevan - The Konkani Meal

'Daali Toy' or a Dal preparation is considered the de-facto 'Kula Devu' or the 'Deity of the Family".

Konkanis must be the species that eats maximum amount of leaves and grass after the cows. This could explain why they appear to be so cowardly in nature. An eternal favorite dish is the 'Pathra Vada' or 'Pathrodo' or 'Leaf Cutlet' prepared from Colacacia leaves. Anyone else trying this recipe must be ready to scratch their throats with a comb ! Not an iota of exaggeration here.

Pathrodo !

When a child is born, that has to be celebrated with 'Jevan'. 'Jevan' has to be there if it is a birthday or festival. Even a festival like 'Shiv Ratri' that calls for fasting will have to end with an elaborate 'Jevan'. Even in death, the thirteenth day has to be celebrated with a 'Jevan' to bid farewell to the departed.

One might find a Marwadi who doesn't put business before everything else. But it is almost impossible to find a Konkani who doesn't put 'Jevan' before everything. This could be the reason why not many Konkanis were too impressed with Gandhi. The concept of fasting and eating for the sake of living are beyond the realms of imagination for most of us. I am a living embodiment of this principle. We Live to Eat !

Well, I think I have written quite a lot about Konkanis. Anything more might get me banned from our functions if not excommunication. I can't afford that. I am not religious. But I believe food is good and good is food !

So let me conclude this piece on Konkanis, their language and their love for Jevan. I have to catch up with my 'Jevan' at a function now !



Dr. Pundit

An Open Letter to Whom it may Concern or Not !

To:

The Corporation / Local Government / State Government / Central Government / Political Parties / Non-Political Groups / Clubs / NGOs / The Judiciary / Anyone to whom it may concern or not
Kochi, the so called Financial Capital of God's Own Country also known as Smart City.
Kerala, India, Asia, Planet Earth.

Subject:

State of our Roads or the Roads of our State !

References:

1] An Emotional Journey !
2] Left, Right and Wrong; A Story of a Fight !
3] Footpath, My Foot !
4] The Blogger who traveled the Untrodden Narrow Path !
5] All Roads Lead to Hell Part-I
6] The Queen of Arabian See in God's Own Country !

Sir / Madam / Your Honor / Worshipful Mayor / Your Highness / Anything that pleases you,

Hereby let me introduce myself  before I begin the letter. I am  a Santro Xing Car with Reg. number KL-7 BD 6826 registered under Kochi Corporation in August 2008. I have produced a latest passport size photograph of myself for identification purpose. Please don't be surprised about a Car that is writing a letter. I can even talk. Kindly refer to reference number 1. An emotional Journey.

My Master, who claims to be a Doctor and a Blogger has written something about me and quite a lot about the roads of my hometown Kochi. Kindly refer to those stories too. It is important to understand the whole picture. Though Dr. Pun-dit is not very kind to me, I still am a loyal servant and continue to work for him without complaining. This isn't about my loyalty or his cruelty. I shall in due time write to SPCC [Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Cars] about that. So you needn't worry on those issues.

Defaced and Defiled

Now let me enlighten you about that ugly scar on my face under the nose. I mean the dent on the number plate. This dent was caused by a two wheeler who collided with me tail on [Opposite of Head on]. No, it wasn't his mistake. It wasn't my mistake either. Both of us were traversing through the quagmire people have now come to accept as an eternal truth that is 'Thammanam - Pulleppady Road' in the heart of Kochi town. The poor chap bounced and bobbed out of one of those potholes and I couldn't escape from the collision because I too was coming out of another bigger pothole. I am now providing some photographs of 'the Road' for your reference.

Road in the Heart of Kochi !

The Cursed Thammanam - Pullepady Road

 Potholes that can kill !

No Sir, this letter is not about the collision or the dent either. I can and will live with this. People manage to live with much worse. Let me move to the more serious matter. It is about something far more important. It is about our existence itself. The existence of Carkind / Autokind / Bikekind or Vehiclekind in general.

Humans are concerned about Mankind. So we have to be concerned about ourselves too. Humans can eat Pizzas if bread isn't available. But we will not be able to live and move without our life blood that is Petroleum fuel. So kindly watch the video attached.

The little boy is more concerned about future and is far more intelligent than the father. You might have watched this video about conserving fuel and energy. But I politely request you to watch it again. I will continue with the matter after the video. Thanks for the patience you have shown with me. But my intent and concern is genuine and I hope I will be able to convince you about it when we come to the concluding part.

Now, we all know our Governments, leaders, Babus, NGOs and everyone with an opinion has something to preach for the common man. That common man, one of whom is my Master. He too is a concerned citizen and I have seen him preach about conserving nature, electricity, trees, fuel, paper, food, water and just about anything. This anything includes everything except my dignity. Well, let me not elaborate on that. I will deal with those issues at an appropriate time on an appropriate podium.

Let me suffice to say this. My Master calls me "Fuel Guzzling White Little Monster". That is such an insult and I have communicated to him my displeasure about it. But he has persisted with his diatribe. When I asked him why he calls me so, he said I have a very poor fuel efficiency. Yes, I give 9 KmPL in the city. In Kochi city. I am not aware what other members of the Carthren [Car Brethren] manage. But this is the best I can achieve. But I have always maintained this wasn't my fault but the poor roads were responsible.

My Master is not fond of main roads. He is The Blogger who travels the Untrodden Narrow Path ! So I really can't blame his driving or the traffic for the low fuel efficiency. But I still was confident I will be able to prove myself when the opportunity arises.

Thus I got my first chance in 4 years to prove my worth, efficiency and power. I took my Master and his little family to Kovalam last week. Oh what roads ! I felt like a bird out of the cage and actually went flying. I managed to overtake Cars twice as bigger, SUVs and practically everything on my way. I took 4 hours 50 minutes from Kochi to Kovalam and 4 hours 10 minutes for the return journey.

This isn't vainglorious boasting. This is just a true piece of information to bolster my case. The most important factor was I covered 490km with less than 29 liters of Petrol. That is a fuel efficiency of 17 KmPL. But I needed a chance to prove myself. In Kochi, I would be burning almost 55 liters for the same distance. Now, this is a phenomenal achievement. I knew I was capable of this.

Sir, just imagine this. Travel through decent roads improved my fuel efficiency by 88.88%. Which means the traffic congestion alone isn't responsible for the abysmal fuel efficiency in cities. The poor infrastructure is more so. I have informed above, the fact that my Master almost never gets stuck in traffic because he never takes the main roads. But all the side roads, interior roads and roads in residential areas are in total shambles.

If we manage to improve the overall infrastructure in the suburbs, interiors and the small roads, we might succeed in decongesting the traffic in major arteries. All vehicles conveying through better and lesser trodden roads can save hell of a lot of fuel. Even 50% saving is a huge saving. Switching off the engine in traffic lights can't save you so much of petrol.

Now if I alone could save so much of fuel in one journey, imagine how much of fuel all those millions of vehicles on our roads can manage to save !

Sir, I don't know who you are. I don't even know if you are a Sir or a Madam. That is why I have used so many references and salutations at the beginning. Let me stress again here that I am genuinely concerned. Concerned about nature, fossil fuels, mother earth and all.

Sir, please let us 'Go green'. Let us improve our roads and infrastructure and save fuel and save Earth and save ourselves. Let us save Ourselves from Ourselves !

Thanks for the patient reading.

Sincerely,

Santro Xing [Reg. No: KL-7 BD 6826]

Dumb Dumb Shiga Shiga : A Ward Story !

It is a good three weeks since I came around on 'Live, Love and Laugh". Not because there is any dearth of Life, Love or Laughter. It is just that I have been overtly busy "Doctoring the Balls !!!". Cricket after all is life and love for me ! It makes me enjoy, love, laugh, brood and then laugh again in the end.

Here is a small anecdote that happened today. I had to narrate it right here because it is simply way too funny at the end of the day to miss. And it has nothing to do with Cricket.

I visit our in-patients in the wards thrice every day. First visit very early in the morning to update prognosis. Then I join my Boss for the regular rounds. Later in the afternoon, I do a review rounds when I visit selected patients depending upon the condition.

Thus I went about an hour ago for my afternoon rounds today. There is this overtly talkative 74 year old lady admitted with a Lower Respiratory Infection. She had severe bouts of cough and off and on wheeze. I had advised her to rest well and not to talk too much. When I went to her ward, she was sleeping peacefully.

Happy that she was resting well, I told the Nurse on rounds, "Good that she is resting. I don't want to disturb her. Tell her I did come visiting when she wakes up". I turned around and was just leaving the ward. Suddenly this Staff Nurse, a girl in her early twenties rapidly walked towards the sleeping patient and woke her up with a quick jerk and told the patient, "Amma, the Doctor had come for rounds and he went off because you were sleeping".

This was infuriating. I asked her, "Why on earth did you wake her up ? What was the need to tell her now ? I told you to inform her when she wakes up...". But the girl very calmly replied, "I didn't want to forget it Sir. That is why I told her now itself !". I just asked her one more question, "What is your name ?". "Shiga" came the reply. Whatever that means !

I have seen girls, idiots and God-damned Dumb Nurses. But this was something different. There was no use in admonishing her because she just couldn't understand what the whole issue was.

So that is life after all. And in spite of all this and more, I manage to Live, Love and Laugh and share it too !


Dr. Pun-dit