Mr. Lazy Bum and Ms. Saving Grace !

Mr. Lazy Bum and Ms. Saving Grace; A story of Percentages !

Thirty five years ago on 25 June 1975, when most Indians today were not born; Prime Minister Indira Gandhi imposed a state of Emergency on our country. 

That changed quite a lot of things. Almost 100% of the people started to fall in line and follow the queue; something that never happened before or after the Emergency. The prices of all essentials came down by 10 - 20%. So did the sizes of Rotis, Idlis and Dosas.

Thanks to Indira Gandhi and her zeal for MISA [Maintenance of Internal Security], around the farcical Independence Day that year; my beloved wife was born, 2 months premature. She thus was born saving 22% on the gestational period. The journey began with savings !

If I have grown up to be a lazy bum, blame it on my birth. I was born 5 monsoons sooner on a Saturday night during a torrential typical to my native place Karkala at the base of Western Ghats. People do nothing except eating and sleeping in that climate. Thus these qualities became my birth rights and birth traits.

My tryst with destiny has been littered with laziness throughout the journey. My motto in life has been simple, "It is probably true that hard work never killed anybody. But why take a chance of becoming the first victim ?"

Coming back to the future to 2010, my day starts with my wife waking me up 10 minutes earlier than my request on the previous night. Well, I don't have to elaborate on why I still need to be woken up at 40. Nothing has changed, I still am lazy and she still is saving (on time here) !

My wife buys all our goodies and goods. I know nothing about shopping. I proceed to brush my teeth with the 9% angled toothbrush for 33% extra reach inside the oral cavity. It always reminds me of Muralidharan's 'Doosra'. And I use the toothpaste that gives 20% more paste for the same money.

My Mother greets me with a fantastic tea served piping hot. It came with 15% savings from the Supermarket. Well, it was boiled on an Induction Stove that saves 30% electricity and also reduces pollution by about 0.3%. 

The newspaper announces so many savings schemes and sales at ridiculous discounts. My shaving foam is a real blast. 40% savings and that too with a twin blade razor thrown in for free. No problems if I don't use it. It is free after-all. 

I take a shower with the shower gel that screams about the favor I got from the manufacturer. I use it liberally and why not ? 50ml extra with 200ml thus making it 25% more gel for my hard-earned money.

I wear my shirt bought at 10% discount and the jeans that came with a 'buy two and get one free' scheme. My shoes bought from Bangalore on a 'throwaway prices sale' was shined with a very kind black polish that provided 50% extra shine at no extra cost. 

My breakfast cereal didn't want to be left behind. It gave the percentages of ingredients and calories and also came with a whopping 17% extra iron. I really felt my blood running stronger in my arteries, though I couldn't exactly measure the percentage of that.

In comparison, my Car is very modest. It never claimed to give me "More Car per Car". It gave 12.5% lesser mileage compared to the competitive brand. My wife didn't buy this, I did and the lazy me had almost bought it on window shopping. 

Two years since acquiring a legal Driver's License, my wifey still can't drive this fuel guzzling loser of a car. She believes any car that starts motion on half clutch and without jamming the accelerator has to be stupid.

We have a joint account in our bank. My wife insisted on a 'Savings' account. She was worried that a 'Current' account will further escalate our electricity bill. By the way, our Air-conditioner too comes with a promise of saving electricity. We always strive to 'Save' the environment.

At the hospital, I am not much bothered by saving things. But this is the only place where I am bothered by the word "Saving". We deal with saving lives. Please don't think we are in the 'Business of Evangelism'. I work in an Intensive Care Unit, that's all.

Well, the percentages work there too, but in a different way. We use 8.4% Bicarbonate, 0.9% Saline, 25% Dextrose and 2% Lignocaine. All the drips or infusions are calculated against the body weight and the dosage is arrived at by percentage values.

But unlike in 'Bumper Onam Sale' or 'Super Diwali Dhamaka', we can't play the percentages game here. Neither can we give 20% extra Lactate, nor can we reduce the dose of Streptokinase by 15% as a Christmas bonanza.

Back home in the evening, I saw my wife working on the PC with a dimly lit CFL lamp. When I asked, "Why are you sitting in the dark?" she clucked, "Do you know how much electricity is wasted by a tube light? This saves almost 30% on current charges". Stupid me, forgot to ask her about the percentage of damage to her eyes.

I drink tea with milk that is 11% cheaper, eat the rice that costs 17% lesser and most of our food is cooked in a magic cooker that saves 15% of LPG. Bothered by my waist line becoming a waste line, I use a sweetener that contains '0' calories.

She was elated when I bought two exotic salwars as surprise gift for her birthday. But next day, she surprised me by finding a place where the same stuff was sold for less than half the price. 

Which means I was swindled and made to pay about 116% more on the price. What a price to pay for a surprise gift ! They haven't yet discovered instruments to measure the percentage of surprise, disappointment and stupidity !

But there are certain territories where my better half isn't worried by percentages. When I declared she was 14 kilos overweight for her height and should knock down a few kilos, she just walked away with a smirk.

I provided her with an Exercycle at a 35% discount on an exchange offer. I also introduced her to an ab-crunch that can reduce the tummy by several percentage points (if used). 

She has used them to good effect. They remain as good as new and the effect is showing; on the weighing scale. She has managed to gain 2.5 kilos over the past 1 year; that is a 3.7% progress.

In every story there has to be a 'Saving Grace'. In our story, it is my sense of humor and her absolute lack of it. The product of our union is endowed with 50% of her and 50% of my genes. But this product somehow has inherited 100% of the 'Laziness' gene and 100% of 'Humor' gene from me and has successfully managed to drive Ms. Saving Grace nuts for almost 12 years now.

In spite of all this cribbing, pulling legs and joking, my affection, love and commitment to her is 100%. She is someone without whom I just can't get going. Every thing right from opening my eyes to a new dawn starts with her. 

This is the Testimonial I wrote on her Orkut page:

She's stood by me through thick and thin;
For a decade and more when I lose and win.
I dedicate this Testimonial to the only One,
Who gets every single thing in my life done!

This is my fond though a little convoluted way of telling her, "I need you, love you and cherish you". After all, she has been with me for almost 33% of my life and 37% of her life so far. 

We have to remember she comes with a grand 25.54% of herself thrown in free in the form of those additional pounds. And I have remained cent percent committed to my laziness with absolutely no transgression.

We celebrate our Wedding anniversary on 3 September. Thanks Ms. Saving Grace, for tolerating me for these 13 years. Hope we will get to celebrate many more. And for once, I hope you wouldn't expect any discount !

Dr. Punned-it !