2012 to 1975: Back to the Future !

A Declaration of State of Emergency !

Friends, Indians and Countrymen,

Let me take this opportunity to welcome you all to the new India, the India of our dreams; the dreams of my family and my party. It is my privilege as well as my right to do this honor. My beloved mother-in-law did this 37 years ago and today, I stand before the country at this momentous moment to make this declaration.

It is with utmost sincerity, honesty, humility and integrity that the Government of India has decided to clamp a state of emergency with immediate effect. People have the rights to ask the reasons. But since the emergency has already been clamped, the rights have been suspended with retrospective effect and hence, no questions will be entertained. Our esteemed friend, the Chief Minister of West Bengal Mamta Bannerjee will enlighten people on this. People interested can ask her the "Questions" !

Even though the Government or I myself are not bound to give any reasons for this act, I am magnanimously volunteering to put the facts before the people. The situation demanded that the country be brought under strict laws to avoid further deterioration in law and order. Here I am enumerating some of the reasons for this drastic yet absolutely necessary measure.

1] Corruption: The BJP government of Karnataka had become so corrupt, it had crossed all limits of decency and we had no other choice but enforce emergency. Mr. H. R. Bharadhwaj will vouch for this.

2] Communal violence: Large scale communal violence has taken place in Assam due to continued presence of Narendra Modi, the Merchant of Death as Chief Minister of Gujarat. If he is not removed from public life, the minority communities will never be able to live in peace.

3] Social Nuisance Sites: Twitter, Facebook and such sites have caused enormous damage to the credibility of the Government and thus the country and thus my family. Keeping in mind the dignity of my family, these sites need to be curtailed. Henceforth, all sites will be monitored from the office of Mr. Kapil Sibal and all posts will be allowed or disallowed only after passing through security check.

4] Text Messages: Have caused large scale violence and they are extensively used to ridicule Mr. Manmohan Singh, our government and my family. This is not acceptable in a civil society. We need to teach civility to this country and hence there will be a clamp on SMS packs. Now a person can send 1 SMS per month from one phone after taking permission from Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde the Home Minister.

5] Black money: So called activists have created bad name to the country by talking too much about black money. Our Government is determined to bring back all the black money stashed in Swiss banks but this process will take time. We need more proof and concrete proof. As soon as we get enough proof, we'll proceed with next level of action and will form a 15 member committee to probe the matter further. The committee will be given 15 years term to report to the Prime Minister with it's findings.

6] Price rise: Failed monsoon, drought like situation, spiraling crude oil prices and communal policies of Narendra Modi are responsible for the price rise. The people of India need to tighten their belts, practice frugal living like my son Rahul Gandhi does and then defeat the nefarious designs of our opponents.

7] Terrorism: My son and future Prime Minister of India Rahul Gandhi has said this before that the greatest threat to India is not the Pakistan sponsored terror but the saffron terror of the RSS and BJP pariwar. Hence all these entities will be banned and people with remotest allegiance to these organizations will be put behind the bars. Once this is done, minorities in India and Pakistan and the world over will feel secure and all terror will cease to haunt India.

There are hundreds of reasons to enforce emergency. Even though we don't have to explain, we have tried to take the people of India into confidence. The emergency will be in effect for next 12 months and can be extended beyond depending upon situations prevailing.

I hope the people of India will volunteer to abide by the emergency in the best of the interest of the country. We might not be able to generate enough space in our jails after putting all dissenters behind the bars. If need be, we'll release old insignificant convicts like Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab so that more and more communal and anti-national people can be jailed.

Hoping for the prosperity and progress of my party, my family and my government which alone will ensure progress and prosperity of the country.

Sincerely.


Sonia Gandhi




Dr. Punned-it

Happy Independence Day ?

India is celebrating one more Independence day buoyed up by the best ever medal haul at the just concluded London Olympics. Facebook, Twitter and all  other social networking sites are full of Independence day. Even the Google has acknowledged the importance of 15 August.

But what are we celebrating ? Let us look at the situation prevailing.

‎15 August: Most of us remember India's National Song "Vande Maataram" on this "One Day Maatram" !

People are busy exhorting countrymen and women to "Be Indian and buy Indian" from their Chinese made smartphones or American made iPhones.

There is a drought-like situation in 3/4 of the country and the other quarter is flooded. Most states are already suffering severe shortage of water and electricity.

A large part of India was powerless for over 8 hours and the Power Minister gets promoted to Home portfolio.

Our Prime Minister doesn't open his mouth and the Cricket Chief of Selectors can't shut his.

Our loved and celebrated musicians and doyens of Cinema are in a hurry taking off heavenwards and the Netas appear to be immortal.

One man is obsessed with Jan Lokpal and entire youth is busy with Poke-pal on Facebook.

Price rice is not an issue anymore. Indians seem to have resigned to their fate. We are happy to trust in Karma and carry on.

Our Politicians are busy making money and keeping people divided. Social activitists and Yoga Gurus are busy fasting and soft-pedaling their Political ambitions. 

Our Cricket players are busy playing either IPL or Sri Lanka and Tennis Superstars are busy fighting each other.

There is an overdrive of patriotism on display everywhere in public and on television and then the people evade taxes by hook or crook.

Then what are we celebrating ? Do we have anything to celebrate at all ?

What are we Celebrating ?

Well, Salman Khan has released yet another movie that will break 100 Crore barrier mark within second weekend, even though he might end up in a jail for a wildlife law violation committed in the previous millennium.

Sachin Tendulkar scored his 100th century. So what if India couldn't make it to Asia Cup Finals ? We have the record, right ?

People are buying luxury cars and decking up their brides with tonnes of gold. So what if we couldn't win a single yellow metal at London. We are happy with what we have and can always blame our Politicians for everything that is wrong. We actually develop amnesia and become oblivious to the fact that it is we who elect these 'Leaders' by voting or not voting.

What if the common man can't afford a square meal ? He can now talk on mobile phones of fancied shapes thanks to "Har Haath Me Mobile" scheme. 

38% of Doctors and 34% Engineers in America are Indians. It makes no difference to us that we don't have Doctors in our Primary Health Centers and Engineers are actually enriching foreign countries and hoping the rupee falls further down because their hard earned Dollar becomes more precious in India.

Indian origin Sunita Williams unfurled Indian flag in space. No issues she was sent there by USA.

Sherylyn Chopra brought laurels to India by becoming the first Indian to feature on the "Playboy". She also made a solemn declaration that she didn't sleep with the Playboy boss.

So much happening for the country and hence there should be no need for gloom to loom. So let us cheer up and say cheers and open the cork. Let the spirit flow !

Let's Celebrate our Freedom and Independence !

Dr. Punned-it

Didi's Revolution: Questionless Utopia in Bengal !

After banning cartoons and arresting a cartoonist, asking questions too has become an offense in West Bengal now. Anyone who raises a question can be arrested and can be branded Maoist and put behind the bars. The 'Unquestionable' Supremo of Bengal, Didi has shown "Red Card" to Questions !

People are outraged and many outside the state are protesting. So what are the consequences ? After what happened in Mamta Banerjee's fiefdom West Bengal on 8 August 2012, the kids of Bengal are the happiest lot. How and Why ? Read on...

Didi's next steps ought to be...

1] Ban Mahabharat:  There is a nosy "Yaksha" asking too many questions to Yudhistira in this book. That is not acceptable. So this epic must be banned or the chapter "Yaksha Prashna" must be censored out. The Ministry of Home affairs has sent a notice to the author Veda Vyasa to act immediately on this matter of face the music.

2] Ban on Interviews: There will be no interviews in any schools, offices, campus selections and on news channels. They involve asking questions and this sinister activity can't be allowed to happen in Didi's land.

3] Ban on KBC and all it's versions: Bachchan's "Kaun Banega Crorepati" will not be aired in West Bengal because Big B is always asking questions and that is not acceptable. All vernacular versions and other reality shows involving the questionable act of asking questions stand banned indefinitely.

4] No Question Hour: There henceforth will be no "Question Hour" in the West Bengal assembly. That hour will be devoted to finding out who all are Maoists and thus anti-people.

5] Ban on appealing: Bowlers henceforth can't appeal for the wicket of a batsman in Cricket matches to be played in Bengal, especially Eden Gardens. The Third Umpire referral too stands banned. The Umpire can at his own discretion, declare a batsman out. But Billy Bowden will not be allowed to Umpire in Bengal because when he raises the crooked finger, it looks like a "Question Mark" and that is blasphemous.

Question Mark over Bowden's Action !

6] Court Proceedings to change: No questions will be allowed in Courts in Bengal. Both side lawyers can present their facts before the judge and then the witnesses will be allowed to depose before the court what they know. But questions will not be entertained.

7] '?' Button to be removed: All keyboards in Bengal will have the '?' button removed. An alternative has to be arranged for the '/' button and the matter is under discussion.

But why should kids be happy with all this ? Sorry for the question, but I am writing this sitting safely in God's Own Country. So here is the answer...

8] Say NO to Exams: There will be no more examinations in Bengal. Exams involve questions and question papers. Since that is unlawful, the state education board has suspended exams with immediate effect. Henceforth children will have to just go and sign on the registry. They will be handed over "Answer Papers".  All they have to do is to write "I am not a Maoist" on the answer paper and sign it or leave thumb imprint on the paper.

They can write whatever they want as long as they don't ask questions. The results of the exams will be decided by the level of Maoism in the writings. Lower the level of Maoism, higher the grades. Any kid whose writing betrays more than 30% Maoism will automatically fail.

Thus West Bengal will become the first place in the world where there will be no "Questions" but only answers. What a wonderful state for the kids, am I right or am I right ?

Oops, sorry for the question !





Dr. Punned-it

How "Har Haath Me Mobile" Scheme was born ?

A high level meeting in the Capital city of India in the first week of August 2012. Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi, Priyanka Gandhi, Robert Gandhi nee Vadra, Manmohan Singh, Chidambaram, Sharad Pawar, Mamta Banerjee, Digvijay Singh, Sushil Kumar Shinde and some more people have gathered in the plush air-conditioned hall. 

The subject: How to conquer 2014 and capture Power ? Here are the excerpts of the meeting. Since it was a long meeting, we bring you only the highlights.

Sonia Gandhi: We all know how my family has sacrificed for the sake of this country and how we continue to sacrifice for the people of this country. So we expect the "Aam aadmi" to understand what we are doing for them and then elect us again without having to be at the mercy of the left alliance. We want to continue with our sacrifices for the country.

A Meeting for the Aam Aadmi

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Yes Madam, we all know the importance of your family. Earlier it was India is Indira and Indira is India. Today it is Sonia is Sonia and Sonia is Sonia. That is why I am ready to kill if you order.

Robert Gandhi: We need people like you Shinde uncle. There are a lot of people who are talking badly about me, my family and my hard earned billions. They definitely need to be killed.

Chidambaram: But Robert Sirji, we can't afford to kill people now. We might lose votes. We are here to consolidate our vote banks.

Priyanka Gandhi: Robert, shut up for now. This is NOT about your family but MY family. Almost all of your family are either dead or have committed suicide. Understand ?

Rahul Gandhi: Like my sister's two families, there are two kind of families in India. Those who can afford to give me food in their huts and those who can't afford to feed me even one meal. We definitely need to do something about it but I don't know what it is.

What a shame, These people can't even feed Rahul Gandhi !

Sharad Pawar: We can solve that easily. We can hold IPL twice every year and with the revenue, we can sanction allowances to Rahul to carry his own food wherever he goes. It is dangerous to eat from those huts. We all know all their food is adulterated. So you better carry your own food and eat safely.

Mamta Banerjee: There are women who have to get down into deep wells and fetch water. The drought like situation has made life miserable for people. Vegetable prices are soaring and "Aam Aadmi" is struggling to make ends meet.

Water-less World !

Sharad Pawar: That is not such a big problem. We'll hold another India - Sri Lanka 7 match ODI series. We can utilize the money to import drinking water for the people. They can also drink the finely brewed wine from my vineyards.

Rahul Gandhi: We must have a reservation for minorities in the drinking water. We'll reserve 18% of the drinking water for minorities and nobody should be allowed to drink water during fasting hours of Ramzan.

Mamta Banerjee: But we don't have any water now to reserve...

Digvijay Singh: Water is there or not is not the question now. Since Rahul Baba has told, we MUST reserve 18% water for minorities. Rahul Baba MUST take lead role in the government.

Kapil Sibal: We also had this power problem...

Sharad Pawar: [Thumping the table] What was that ? I just wanted to be No. 2 in the government. You can't call that a problem. It is my birth right !

Chidambaram: Oh, Pawar-ji it was about power, I mean the northern grid failure and not about you. People demanded someone must be held accountable for the power failure.

Sonia Gandhi: Yes, I definitely said someone must be held responsible for that. People will ask questions. So I told Manmohan-ji to send the Power Minister to Home. He misunderstood and sent him to Home Ministry.

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Don't be so cruel Madam. I am a loyal soldier and servant of your family. I am at home in Home ministry. Maine aap ka namak khaaya hai !

Sonia Gandhi: [Whispers to Shinde]: I know Shinde-ji. That is why I did this. I just wanted MMS to be blamed if people ask questions !

Mamta Banerjee: We have been talking so long and so many things. But we haven't arrived at a consensus as to how will we capture 2014. How will we manage to face the "Aam Aadmi" during elections ?

Manmohan Singh [Opening his mouth for the first time]: May I say something Madam ?

Sonia Gandhi nods and says: Well, what is it ? We have no time. Robert has to go to gym and Priyanka has to go to the beauty parlor. And poor Rahul needs to catch up with his girlfriend. So tell it quickly...

Manmohan Singh: I have been Prime Minister for over 8 years now. But I have never known what is power. I have never even managed to open my mouth, leave alone talking. People keep ridiculing me about this. You all must realize how empowered I feel right now, when I am allowed to talk by Madam. So I think the only way to make people feel we have empowered them is by allowing them to talk. Instead of talking about our governance and policies, let them talk over the mobile phones instead. This will keep them busy sending missed calls between themselves. So how about giving mobile phones to the people below the poverty line ?

Everyone agreed in a chorus about this landmark and revolutionary idea. This is how the "Rajiv Gandhi Har Haath Me Mobile" scheme worth Rs. 7000 Crores was born. 






Dr. Punned-it