Tea with Salt, Some Pride and More Prejudices !

"All generalizations are wrong", said some wise man, "including this one !". But we all tend to generalize when it comes to what is right and what is wrong, according to us. We were chatting about the nice Tea served in our Hospital canteen. I casually told, "In certain parts of Himachal Pradesh, they drink Tea with salt". Immediately a sister shot back, "Ayyo God, what is that horrible taste ? Yuck. Thulasi sister gave tea with salt to her husband on April Fool's day !"

This put me in thinking mode. It is true that most people in the world drink Tea; with milk, without milk, with sugar, without sugar and with a lot of flavors. But not many drink Tea with salt. But does that make it wrong ? It just represents the taste of a population or perhaps an ethnic group. But very heavily opinionated are we and thus we think what others do is weird ! This has been discussed on this blog earlier.

People have no problem with Jasmin Tea, Masala Tea, Lemon Tea, Orange Tea, Iced Tea and many more flavors. With or without sugar has been accepted without much problem. But talk about Tea with salt and a lot of people go, "Yuck !". I questioned the wisdom of ridiculing something without tasting. I said, "We can't say like that. Taste differs from region to region, time to time and from people to people."

The sister gave me a lecture, "See Doctor, there is a proportion and combination for all ingredients in everything we consume. We can't add chillies to Payasam and we can't add sugar to Sambar. You can't prepare chicken sambar, it has to be chicken curry. Similarly, vegetables can't be eaten without some coconut grates. blah blah..."

I replied patiently, "Sister, you have got it all wrong. Udupi Brahmins add jaggery to Sambar and they believe Sambar is incomplete without that. You've never tried adding chicken to Sambar. Try that and then decide. I agree we need proportion but combinations can vary. Many people eat pickles with Payasam and you Malayalees eat pappadam with Payasam. Why is that ? You need something extra to the taste, right ? We can never say someone else has yuck taste. To each his or her own"

I must admit, I wasn't quite brave and didn't taste tea with salt when I went to Kullu and Manali in 1999. Looking back in time, I realize I have been terribly judgmental. One of my relatives used to eat jack fruit dipping in coffee and everyone in our ancestral home used to ridicule his tastes and I was one of the everyone. A little teenager I know, loves mangoes with yoghurt and her younger brother thinks that is sick and I did agree with him.

I always wondered how could Gujarati people eat 'jalebis' first thing in the morning and how could Malayalees start a day with 'beef and porotta' when "Idlee - Sambar" was the only thing worth eating for breakfast ! I also have never dared to try the Kerala pickles because they are 'damn too spicy' according to me !

Watching Fazil's "Kaiyethum Doorath" in 2002, I had passed my judgment on Shanu Fazil that this one is a dud. I had even blamed Fazil for trying to make a completely useless son into a star. Almost a decade later, the reinvented Fahad Fazil is on a roll today and being vegetarian, I hate the idea of eating crow !

I have come to understand it is extremely wrong on  anyone's part to decide what is right and what is wrong for others. Well, I am not talking about issues like legal system and such. But generalizing 'our' ways as right and 'their' ways as wrong is plain and simple, wrong !

This exactly is why I have come to distance myself from religions and moved towards free-thinking. I refuse to be bogged down by people who preach about gods and rituals. But I also refuse to interfere with their right to do what they love to do without bothering me. If something gives someone happiness and peace without infringing upon someone else' rights or freedom, so be it !

Satire and sarcasm are two things I have inherited along with the A-Positive blood group. I have often hurt people without intending to and looking back at such instances makes me cringe. But, everyday in life is spent in trying to rise above the superstitions, prejudices and stupidities without trading upon the toes of others. It is tough but I think it is worth trying than live with vainglorious pride and petty prejudices !


Dr. Punned-it

10 Reasons Why It Can't be "The End" on 21 December 2012 ?

The world which was supposed to end at the onset of the new millennium got a fresh lease of life and has survived till now. It is now programmed to end on 21 December 2012. But will it end ? The answer is an emphatic NO !

But why ? What gives me so much of confidence to say so conclusively ? There are hundreds of reasons. But ten most important clinching factors alone can be enumerated in a blog-post and here are the reasons...

Ten Reasons why the world can't end on 21December 2012

1] Rajnikanth's Kochadaiyan hasn't been released. That means, 'The End" has to wait !

2] Congress party has promised to deliver all their promises under the dynamic leadership of Rahul Gandhi if they win the 2014 general elections. It just can't be "The End" !

3] The exact loss to the exchequer in the 2G scam hasn't been determined. It just can't be "The End" without arriving at the exact figure, be it 0 or those facile figures quoted by the CAG !

4] Well of course, Sachin Tendulkar has not retired because it would be selfish to retire when the world needs him more than any time before. The writing is on "The Wall". The God has to take the call in "The End" !

5] Obama has declared the best is ahead for America. If he said so, how can it be "The End" ?

6] Salman Khan has given clear indication that the Tiger wants to be tamed by the Kat. The world has no business to say "The End" till he really becomes "Ek THA Tiger"!

7] My neighborhood uncle aged 87, pooh-poohed the whole issue saying his horoscope says he is destined to live till 96 years and the horoscope can't be wrong. That means we are safe at least till "The End" of 2021 !

8] In 2010, the LIC sanctioned me a home loan for a 15 year tenure. That pushes "The End" a little farther than all other reasons cited !

9] India and Sri Lanka haven't played a bilateral ODI series for a long time now. If it has to be "The End", it has to be during one of those endless ODI series. So the wait is on !

10] "The End" can't be here until India decide how "The End" of Afzal Guru will come; Dengue, heart attack or hanging !

At "The End" of the day, "The End" of the days isn't here. Not so soon !

So let us all relax and wait for the thing most worth waiting for: "Kochadaiyan" !

Not "The End" !!!

Dr. Punned-it

Life is Beautiful but not for all !

She laughed, she jumped, she hopped around and then she cried like a baby. I asked, "Why are you crying ?" She replied, "I fell and that is why I am weeping and now I want to see my Mom". She is here this moment and then cuddling her puppy the other moment. She emphatically declared that the lemon tea in my cup was not tea but was in fact "Drink". She even smelt the drink to confirm her verdict. Completely busy and all over the place; she is my new friend, Lakshmi.

She asked me, "When are you leaving ?". I replied, "Tomorrow". "So where will you sleep ?" was her next question. "In your home" I replied. She shot back, "Oho, not possible. People like you can't sleep in my house. You have to sleep in a hotel". Quite wise for someone so young, right ?

She announced, "My name is Lakshmi in school and that is my school". So I asked, "Which is that school ?". She replied, "Lakshmi Devi school". "So why are you here ?" I asked, "Why haven't you gone to school ?". Pat comes her reply in her own language, "My father has gone to bring money. He'll come back with lots and lots of money and then I'll join school after Deepawali".

She rushes into her makeshift shelter at the construction site and comes back with a slate and chalk. She shows me, "A, B, C, D, E, F" and asks, "Do you know this is English ?". I reply, "Well, I know a little bit". She assures me, "Don't worry, when my Dad comes back with a lot of money, I'll give you a lot of money and then you too can learn English from Lakshmi Devi school. It's my school and this is my home" she spreads both her arms widely and gesturing towards the under construction building where I am sitting and typing now.

This is Lakshmi, whose mother works at the construction site and father is an imaginary figure. He doesn't exist because he passed away when she was hardly 3 months old on a construction site. He fell down from the top of the building. Her mother doesn't know any other job and has to work in the same unsafe and in fact extremely dangerous construction sites where her husband lost his life.

Lakshmi eats what is given to her by the shooting people. She hasn't seen the world outside. She is three and a half and should have been in school but is not there. Will she ever go to school ? But she has twinkle in her eyes and has enormous zeal for life that every kid is blessed with. But as she grows up, all the zeal will be replaced by disappointment, anger, dissent, and disillusionment. Life is beautiful but not for everyone !

I am here in Hyderabad accompanying my teenage daughter who is pursuing her dream and passion of becoming an actor. Leaving behind my job and the air-conditioned comfort of my cozy cabin in our ICCU, I am sitting in the dusty construction site as escort to my daughter because my mother and wife couldn't go with her this time.

I realized a few things. Becoming an actor is an extremely tough job and you need passion for that. I abhor the chaos. I also realized I can survive without air condition and my time-table. Life is much more intricate than the death-inspiring ICCU I am living in for almost 18 years now. It also gave me an opportunity to tell my daughter how fortunate she is.

But most importantly I realized a bitter truth. There are millions of Lakshmis in India whose mothers or parents can provide them with some food, makeshift shelters and a lot of dreams. Just beautiful but completely false dreams and nothing more. Growing up in permanently changing thatches and tents, the childhood is lost in being mere time-pass for people like me.

One person can perhaps make a small difference in the life of one Lakshmi or may be a few. But what happens to those million others ? I don't know ! Tomorrow I have to leave her behind and return to my fortress because that is the cruel reality. We can feel bad, we can blame the society, we can curse the governments and we can take stances. But finally we can do just a little bit to make life a little better.

I believe we need to evolve a system where every little child is assured of his or her childhood, education, hygienic living, decent food and some respect and not just crumbs of food and vainglorious sympathy. We need to make a difference. Can we ? Or will we ?


Dr. Punned-it

Have you ever been caught with your pants down ?

Have you ever been caught with your pants down ?

I have been !!!

I was working in a small hospital in a place called Ponkunnam between 1996 and 1998. Early days in Ponkunnam were hilarious but nothing could beat this !

I had an urgency to go to the toilet when on a night-duty. I went to the Duty-Doctor's resting room. I latched the room from inside as I always did. Not wanting to get the bottoms of my pants wet, I removed my pants and shorts inside the room and kept them on the bed. As I was walking towards the bathroom, the bath room opened on me and there stood a cute little nurse in front of me.

Only saving grace for me was my tee-shirt was long enough to save my 'man-maryada' from being auctioned completely. The situation was like who was more flustered, the girl or me !

The situation worsened when she couldn't open the door because I had latched it so hard. Being on the shorter side, she was just not able to unlatch it ! Me with the tee-shirt pulled as down as possible was not even in a position to pull my pants and put them on. Neither could I open the door for her.

I did the best possible thing in the given circumstances. I ordered her right back into the bathroom and then got myself dressed and opened the door for her and let her out and then let out a sigh !

I never knew the Nurses used Doctor's resting room in that hospital. That wicked little thing kept giving me crooked smiles throughout my stay in Ponkunnam. But thankfully, she never went beyond that. She never told anyone else; perhaps !

Post Script: Ever since, I always check if there is someone in the bathroom before I even close the door behind me !


Dr. Punned-it

So What is Your Attitude ?

ATTITUDE, that is what matters is what many people would like us to believe; especially youngsters. They give a long explanation about how "Hard Work", "Knowledge" and "Intelligence" don't become 100% when we add their numerical values of alphabets. But "Attitude" they say adds up to exactly 100. Some "Intelligence" "Knowledge" and "Hard work" has gone into this "Attitude" !

Click on the picture to magnify !

What is "Attitude" ? I see a lot of trolling on Facebook, flaunting "Attitude". Some say, "If you have problem with my attitude, that is your problem, not mine. Get yourself corrected". Some go further and say, "I don't have an attitude problem. It is the problem with people about how they look at me".

So what is "Attitude" again ? Is it walking with a swagger with a couple of oranges tucked in the armpits ? Vivian Richards did that all his life. He murdered bowlers with that swagger. But his swagger didn't desert him in failure. Is it what Salman Khan flaunts in movie after movie after movie ?

Or is it what we see on a third of those Facebook profiles ? Youngsters with no qualification, no education, no physical attributes or anything significant to boast of, boast of "My Attitude". To me that is arrogance or simply obnoxious nature !

Wikipedia tells us that "Attitude" is an expression of favor or disfavor toward a person, place, thing, or event (the attitude object). Prominent psychologist Gordon Allport once described attitudes "the most distinctive and indispensable concept in contemporary social psychology.

Wikipedia continues to say, "An attitude can be defined as a positive or negative evaluation of people, objects, event, activities, ideas, or just about anything in your environment, but there is debate about precise definitions". Whether attitudes are explicit (deliberately formed) versus implicit (subconscious) has been a topic of considerable research.

Without further quoting Wiki, I would like to add, "The definition people have given to attitude doesn't match what has been described in dictionaries". Well, some people might say, "We don't go by any dictionary meanings. We form our own meaning and that is our attitude". Blah !

Attitude to me is what I have seen in some of these people. If a picture can speak a thousand words, I would like to do it with pictures ! To me...

This is "Attitude"

And this is "Attitude"

And then this is "Attitude"

Sincerely, I hope to imbibe "Attitude" from these people !



Dr. Punned-it

My Encounters with Freedom of Speech !

One of my most enduring fears has been of speeches; the long winded speeches. Right from the school days, I have suffered speeches and outlived them only because of my ability to switch off when I wanted to. On Independence day, on Republic day, on Annual Day, on Gandhi Jayanthi and then on any day when someone important kicked the bucket, we had buckets full of talk. And I used to wonder, "Are we born to suffer this ?"

One of the earliest speeches I remember was when I was in first standard. We didn't have kindergarten in those days and we were educated in vernacular medium. The Head Master made the presidential address on the Independence day and told us all about how India became Independent thanks to the freedom struggle and the sacrifices of Gandhiji and others. I realized then and there the meaning of "Freedom of Speech" ! 

Ever since I have heard the same speech from different people over the years in different places in different languages with only the number changing. It was 29th Independence day during the first speech and it was 66th when we celebrated in our hospital on 15 August 2012.

Not all of them were insufferable and some of them have been utterly hilarious, albeit unintentionally. There are many of those speeches and lectures I have already shared on this blog and on Facebook. I am not planning to repeat them like the Independence day speeches.

During one of the many functions 'celebrated' in our hospital, we had our Secretary making a 'grand' speech as was his wont. Talking about a senior Physician working with our hospital for over 25 years, he said, "Dr. P has been hardly working in our hospital for 28 years". I could see the smirk on the face of those who understood the gaffe. Knowing his not so warm equation with the Physician, some of them wondered, if he really meant what he said !

Thinking in own language and translating it to English can cause hilarious situations. Especially so when one has a limited command over English. A small part of a businessman's speech went like this: "We all today here added sitting to our President Sir's untimely death condemn. He was 88 years old but sudden died. I last week him saw and I think not look like dead. My hearty condoles to his  family, wife, childrens, grand childrens and all family members. He was a great man. He for many many people work doing. All workers his children like..."

An old story goes like this. Field Marshal Kariyappa was fond of speaking in Hindi but his command over the language was at best inadequate. He was once proceeding to address an Independence day gathering somewhere in Hindi heartland. He asked his Hindi speaking friend, "What is the word you use for Free in Hindi ?". Without realizing the context, the friend said, "Muft". And lo, the General's [at that time] speech went thus, "Gandhiji aur Nehruji ke tyaag ke kaaran aaj hum sab MUFT ho gaye" !

I too have given some speeches. Though I too have "Freedom of Speech", I was forced to exercise it on most occasions. My first speech was while I was in seventh standard. It was for the Republic day celebrations at school. Even in those days, I always believed mugging up was a girly thing and hated preparing written speeches and delivering them and always depended on extempore speaking. It seldom won me prizes or awards but I never changed and remain the same clumsy and unorganized speaker to date.

A few years ago, our hospital all of a sudden decided to celebrate New Year and a circular was sent to all Doctors and staff to attend the function. The problem is all the Management people belong to the business class. They arrange functions late in the evening and enjoy celebrating their "Freedom of speech" at our cost. This is a form of recreation and thrill for them. But for those who live every day of their life in the hospital, we just want to get out of the place once the duty hours are over. 

We had a long session with everyone lecturing us about how we should work to take the fame of the hospital to another level in the new year. Finally some people wanted 'me' to talk too. Over two hours past my regular time, I was tired, hungry and seething. I really needed to punch !

I went on stage and said, "Honestly I feel nothing changed from yesterday to today except the calender. We are the same old people one day older; some wise and some otherwise. Off late, I believe we are having a lot of new celebrations, which were not even heard of a few years ago. All these are a fad promoted by gifts and cards manufacturers and nothing more than that. I sincerely hope we will not be celebrating Valentine's day next month. I would rather continue to work than waste time on more and more such functions. But anyway, since I have to say this, Happy New Year to everyone. Thanks !". Nobody ever has invited me to talk !

But that was an inside matter of our hospital. People outside didn't know my dislike for speeches. One organization invited me as a chief guest for a function because they thought I must be a popular figure. They perhaps arrived at this conclusion by looking at my friends list on Facebook. Once there, I told the organizers, "Don't even bother to invite me to speak. I will inaugurate the function and then will sit in a corner". 

I lit the lamp with the other guests and took a corner seat on the dais. All went on fine till the 'dignitaries on the dais' took over with the hammering business. It was a marathon 155 minutes before the half a dozen wise men finished. It was almost 1:45 PM and I was almost fainting. Then someone announced in Malayalam, "Now we invite today's Chief guest Dr. Govind Raj Shenoy to come and and say two words. He doesn't like to talk much but we sincerely request Dr. Shenoy to say just two words".

I had no choice now. I almost swaggered to the mike and stood before the crowd of mostly young, bored, tired, hungry and angry people. I could see the horror on their faces as I adjusted the mike to my height because my predecessor was almost 7 feet tall. 

And then I said those 'two words': "ഊണ് കഴിക്കാം" which means "Let's Eat" [Lunch] and walked back to my seat. I have no idea how the organizers must have felt but I could hear the entire crowd burst out in laughter and applause. That to date is the greatest applause I have received !

Dr. Punned-it

2012 to 1975: Back to the Future !

A Declaration of State of Emergency !

Friends, Indians and Countrymen,

Let me take this opportunity to welcome you all to the new India, the India of our dreams; the dreams of my family and my party. It is my privilege as well as my right to do this honor. My beloved mother-in-law did this 37 years ago and today, I stand before the country at this momentous moment to make this declaration.

It is with utmost sincerity, honesty, humility and integrity that the Government of India has decided to clamp a state of emergency with immediate effect. People have the rights to ask the reasons. But since the emergency has already been clamped, the rights have been suspended with retrospective effect and hence, no questions will be entertained. Our esteemed friend, the Chief Minister of West Bengal Mamta Bannerjee will enlighten people on this. People interested can ask her the "Questions" !

Even though the Government or I myself are not bound to give any reasons for this act, I am magnanimously volunteering to put the facts before the people. The situation demanded that the country be brought under strict laws to avoid further deterioration in law and order. Here I am enumerating some of the reasons for this drastic yet absolutely necessary measure.

1] Corruption: The BJP government of Karnataka had become so corrupt, it had crossed all limits of decency and we had no other choice but enforce emergency. Mr. H. R. Bharadhwaj will vouch for this.

2] Communal violence: Large scale communal violence has taken place in Assam due to continued presence of Narendra Modi, the Merchant of Death as Chief Minister of Gujarat. If he is not removed from public life, the minority communities will never be able to live in peace.

3] Social Nuisance Sites: Twitter, Facebook and such sites have caused enormous damage to the credibility of the Government and thus the country and thus my family. Keeping in mind the dignity of my family, these sites need to be curtailed. Henceforth, all sites will be monitored from the office of Mr. Kapil Sibal and all posts will be allowed or disallowed only after passing through security check.

4] Text Messages: Have caused large scale violence and they are extensively used to ridicule Mr. Manmohan Singh, our government and my family. This is not acceptable in a civil society. We need to teach civility to this country and hence there will be a clamp on SMS packs. Now a person can send 1 SMS per month from one phone after taking permission from Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde the Home Minister.

5] Black money: So called activists have created bad name to the country by talking too much about black money. Our Government is determined to bring back all the black money stashed in Swiss banks but this process will take time. We need more proof and concrete proof. As soon as we get enough proof, we'll proceed with next level of action and will form a 15 member committee to probe the matter further. The committee will be given 15 years term to report to the Prime Minister with it's findings.

6] Price rise: Failed monsoon, drought like situation, spiraling crude oil prices and communal policies of Narendra Modi are responsible for the price rise. The people of India need to tighten their belts, practice frugal living like my son Rahul Gandhi does and then defeat the nefarious designs of our opponents.

7] Terrorism: My son and future Prime Minister of India Rahul Gandhi has said this before that the greatest threat to India is not the Pakistan sponsored terror but the saffron terror of the RSS and BJP pariwar. Hence all these entities will be banned and people with remotest allegiance to these organizations will be put behind the bars. Once this is done, minorities in India and Pakistan and the world over will feel secure and all terror will cease to haunt India.

There are hundreds of reasons to enforce emergency. Even though we don't have to explain, we have tried to take the people of India into confidence. The emergency will be in effect for next 12 months and can be extended beyond depending upon situations prevailing.

I hope the people of India will volunteer to abide by the emergency in the best of the interest of the country. We might not be able to generate enough space in our jails after putting all dissenters behind the bars. If need be, we'll release old insignificant convicts like Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab so that more and more communal and anti-national people can be jailed.

Hoping for the prosperity and progress of my party, my family and my government which alone will ensure progress and prosperity of the country.

Sincerely.


Sonia Gandhi




Dr. Punned-it

Happy Independence Day ?

India is celebrating one more Independence day buoyed up by the best ever medal haul at the just concluded London Olympics. Facebook, Twitter and all  other social networking sites are full of Independence day. Even the Google has acknowledged the importance of 15 August.

But what are we celebrating ? Let us look at the situation prevailing.

‎15 August: Most of us remember India's National Song "Vande Maataram" on this "One Day Maatram" !

People are busy exhorting countrymen and women to "Be Indian and buy Indian" from their Chinese made smartphones or American made iPhones.

There is a drought-like situation in 3/4 of the country and the other quarter is flooded. Most states are already suffering severe shortage of water and electricity.

A large part of India was powerless for over 8 hours and the Power Minister gets promoted to Home portfolio.

Our Prime Minister doesn't open his mouth and the Cricket Chief of Selectors can't shut his.

Our loved and celebrated musicians and doyens of Cinema are in a hurry taking off heavenwards and the Netas appear to be immortal.

One man is obsessed with Jan Lokpal and entire youth is busy with Poke-pal on Facebook.

Price rice is not an issue anymore. Indians seem to have resigned to their fate. We are happy to trust in Karma and carry on.

Our Politicians are busy making money and keeping people divided. Social activitists and Yoga Gurus are busy fasting and soft-pedaling their Political ambitions. 

Our Cricket players are busy playing either IPL or Sri Lanka and Tennis Superstars are busy fighting each other.

There is an overdrive of patriotism on display everywhere in public and on television and then the people evade taxes by hook or crook.

Then what are we celebrating ? Do we have anything to celebrate at all ?

What are we Celebrating ?

Well, Salman Khan has released yet another movie that will break 100 Crore barrier mark within second weekend, even though he might end up in a jail for a wildlife law violation committed in the previous millennium.

Sachin Tendulkar scored his 100th century. So what if India couldn't make it to Asia Cup Finals ? We have the record, right ?

People are buying luxury cars and decking up their brides with tonnes of gold. So what if we couldn't win a single yellow metal at London. We are happy with what we have and can always blame our Politicians for everything that is wrong. We actually develop amnesia and become oblivious to the fact that it is we who elect these 'Leaders' by voting or not voting.

What if the common man can't afford a square meal ? He can now talk on mobile phones of fancied shapes thanks to "Har Haath Me Mobile" scheme. 

38% of Doctors and 34% Engineers in America are Indians. It makes no difference to us that we don't have Doctors in our Primary Health Centers and Engineers are actually enriching foreign countries and hoping the rupee falls further down because their hard earned Dollar becomes more precious in India.

Indian origin Sunita Williams unfurled Indian flag in space. No issues she was sent there by USA.

Sherylyn Chopra brought laurels to India by becoming the first Indian to feature on the "Playboy". She also made a solemn declaration that she didn't sleep with the Playboy boss.

So much happening for the country and hence there should be no need for gloom to loom. So let us cheer up and say cheers and open the cork. Let the spirit flow !

Let's Celebrate our Freedom and Independence !

Dr. Punned-it

Didi's Revolution: Questionless Utopia in Bengal !

After banning cartoons and arresting a cartoonist, asking questions too has become an offense in West Bengal now. Anyone who raises a question can be arrested and can be branded Maoist and put behind the bars. The 'Unquestionable' Supremo of Bengal, Didi has shown "Red Card" to Questions !

People are outraged and many outside the state are protesting. So what are the consequences ? After what happened in Mamta Banerjee's fiefdom West Bengal on 8 August 2012, the kids of Bengal are the happiest lot. How and Why ? Read on...

Didi's next steps ought to be...

1] Ban Mahabharat:  There is a nosy "Yaksha" asking too many questions to Yudhistira in this book. That is not acceptable. So this epic must be banned or the chapter "Yaksha Prashna" must be censored out. The Ministry of Home affairs has sent a notice to the author Veda Vyasa to act immediately on this matter of face the music.

2] Ban on Interviews: There will be no interviews in any schools, offices, campus selections and on news channels. They involve asking questions and this sinister activity can't be allowed to happen in Didi's land.

3] Ban on KBC and all it's versions: Bachchan's "Kaun Banega Crorepati" will not be aired in West Bengal because Big B is always asking questions and that is not acceptable. All vernacular versions and other reality shows involving the questionable act of asking questions stand banned indefinitely.

4] No Question Hour: There henceforth will be no "Question Hour" in the West Bengal assembly. That hour will be devoted to finding out who all are Maoists and thus anti-people.

5] Ban on appealing: Bowlers henceforth can't appeal for the wicket of a batsman in Cricket matches to be played in Bengal, especially Eden Gardens. The Third Umpire referral too stands banned. The Umpire can at his own discretion, declare a batsman out. But Billy Bowden will not be allowed to Umpire in Bengal because when he raises the crooked finger, it looks like a "Question Mark" and that is blasphemous.

Question Mark over Bowden's Action !

6] Court Proceedings to change: No questions will be allowed in Courts in Bengal. Both side lawyers can present their facts before the judge and then the witnesses will be allowed to depose before the court what they know. But questions will not be entertained.

7] '?' Button to be removed: All keyboards in Bengal will have the '?' button removed. An alternative has to be arranged for the '/' button and the matter is under discussion.

But why should kids be happy with all this ? Sorry for the question, but I am writing this sitting safely in God's Own Country. So here is the answer...

8] Say NO to Exams: There will be no more examinations in Bengal. Exams involve questions and question papers. Since that is unlawful, the state education board has suspended exams with immediate effect. Henceforth children will have to just go and sign on the registry. They will be handed over "Answer Papers".  All they have to do is to write "I am not a Maoist" on the answer paper and sign it or leave thumb imprint on the paper.

They can write whatever they want as long as they don't ask questions. The results of the exams will be decided by the level of Maoism in the writings. Lower the level of Maoism, higher the grades. Any kid whose writing betrays more than 30% Maoism will automatically fail.

Thus West Bengal will become the first place in the world where there will be no "Questions" but only answers. What a wonderful state for the kids, am I right or am I right ?

Oops, sorry for the question !





Dr. Punned-it

How "Har Haath Me Mobile" Scheme was born ?

A high level meeting in the Capital city of India in the first week of August 2012. Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi, Priyanka Gandhi, Robert Gandhi nee Vadra, Manmohan Singh, Chidambaram, Sharad Pawar, Mamta Banerjee, Digvijay Singh, Sushil Kumar Shinde and some more people have gathered in the plush air-conditioned hall. 

The subject: How to conquer 2014 and capture Power ? Here are the excerpts of the meeting. Since it was a long meeting, we bring you only the highlights.

Sonia Gandhi: We all know how my family has sacrificed for the sake of this country and how we continue to sacrifice for the people of this country. So we expect the "Aam aadmi" to understand what we are doing for them and then elect us again without having to be at the mercy of the left alliance. We want to continue with our sacrifices for the country.

A Meeting for the Aam Aadmi

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Yes Madam, we all know the importance of your family. Earlier it was India is Indira and Indira is India. Today it is Sonia is Sonia and Sonia is Sonia. That is why I am ready to kill if you order.

Robert Gandhi: We need people like you Shinde uncle. There are a lot of people who are talking badly about me, my family and my hard earned billions. They definitely need to be killed.

Chidambaram: But Robert Sirji, we can't afford to kill people now. We might lose votes. We are here to consolidate our vote banks.

Priyanka Gandhi: Robert, shut up for now. This is NOT about your family but MY family. Almost all of your family are either dead or have committed suicide. Understand ?

Rahul Gandhi: Like my sister's two families, there are two kind of families in India. Those who can afford to give me food in their huts and those who can't afford to feed me even one meal. We definitely need to do something about it but I don't know what it is.

What a shame, These people can't even feed Rahul Gandhi !

Sharad Pawar: We can solve that easily. We can hold IPL twice every year and with the revenue, we can sanction allowances to Rahul to carry his own food wherever he goes. It is dangerous to eat from those huts. We all know all their food is adulterated. So you better carry your own food and eat safely.

Mamta Banerjee: There are women who have to get down into deep wells and fetch water. The drought like situation has made life miserable for people. Vegetable prices are soaring and "Aam Aadmi" is struggling to make ends meet.

Water-less World !

Sharad Pawar: That is not such a big problem. We'll hold another India - Sri Lanka 7 match ODI series. We can utilize the money to import drinking water for the people. They can also drink the finely brewed wine from my vineyards.

Rahul Gandhi: We must have a reservation for minorities in the drinking water. We'll reserve 18% of the drinking water for minorities and nobody should be allowed to drink water during fasting hours of Ramzan.

Mamta Banerjee: But we don't have any water now to reserve...

Digvijay Singh: Water is there or not is not the question now. Since Rahul Baba has told, we MUST reserve 18% water for minorities. Rahul Baba MUST take lead role in the government.

Kapil Sibal: We also had this power problem...

Sharad Pawar: [Thumping the table] What was that ? I just wanted to be No. 2 in the government. You can't call that a problem. It is my birth right !

Chidambaram: Oh, Pawar-ji it was about power, I mean the northern grid failure and not about you. People demanded someone must be held accountable for the power failure.

Sonia Gandhi: Yes, I definitely said someone must be held responsible for that. People will ask questions. So I told Manmohan-ji to send the Power Minister to Home. He misunderstood and sent him to Home Ministry.

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Don't be so cruel Madam. I am a loyal soldier and servant of your family. I am at home in Home ministry. Maine aap ka namak khaaya hai !

Sonia Gandhi: [Whispers to Shinde]: I know Shinde-ji. That is why I did this. I just wanted MMS to be blamed if people ask questions !

Mamta Banerjee: We have been talking so long and so many things. But we haven't arrived at a consensus as to how will we capture 2014. How will we manage to face the "Aam Aadmi" during elections ?

Manmohan Singh [Opening his mouth for the first time]: May I say something Madam ?

Sonia Gandhi nods and says: Well, what is it ? We have no time. Robert has to go to gym and Priyanka has to go to the beauty parlor. And poor Rahul needs to catch up with his girlfriend. So tell it quickly...

Manmohan Singh: I have been Prime Minister for over 8 years now. But I have never known what is power. I have never even managed to open my mouth, leave alone talking. People keep ridiculing me about this. You all must realize how empowered I feel right now, when I am allowed to talk by Madam. So I think the only way to make people feel we have empowered them is by allowing them to talk. Instead of talking about our governance and policies, let them talk over the mobile phones instead. This will keep them busy sending missed calls between themselves. So how about giving mobile phones to the people below the poverty line ?

Everyone agreed in a chorus about this landmark and revolutionary idea. This is how the "Rajiv Gandhi Har Haath Me Mobile" scheme worth Rs. 7000 Crores was born. 






Dr. Punned-it

Buy Two Get Two Free : Confessions of a Bike-o-phobic !

I couldn't care much for what my wife thought of my firm "No" to her demand to buy a 'Scooty' for her. I just told her, "You are the only wife I have and I need you in one piece". She didn't like it one bit but had no choice. Knowing her fetish for freebies, I offered in return, "You are asking for a two-wheeler. I offer you a 100% extra on that and we'll buy a two-wheeler with four-wheels for you. Don't you think that is a better offer ? Buy two and get two free !"

"Very funny" she retorted, "Keep all four for yourself. I don't need that. I will continue to toil on those merciless buses". I made my next move of buying a Scooty with those additional small wheels. She blunted my offer with, "I am not asking for an auto rickshaw. I can manage as I am now. Don't bother".

Well, next morning I was not woken up but was rather jolted thanks to my 'sense of humor'. Let me confess, "I must be the 'only husband' on earth whose wife has a two-wheeler driving license but I don't". She has both car and two-wheeler driving license but can't drive or ride.

My dislike for the two-wheelers wasn't congenital, hereditary or anything like that. Very early in life, I was extremely fond of my Raleigh bicycle and used to be a terror on two wheels with my speed and unruly cycling. Once into teens, I too was enamored by the bikes of those days. The Ind-Suzuki Vishnuvardhan rode in the Kannada movie "Onde Guri" was a dream, not only for me but to most of the youth those days.

The Bike we were in awe of !

Fortunately or unfortunately, I couldn't afford bikes when I liked them. Today, when I can afford a few of them, I am pathologically scared of them. Some accidents in close circles are perhaps the main reason for my bike-phobia. It only worsened of late when two boys I've known for many years were lost forever due to bike accidents.

Classmate Sunitha Jain's Luna was the only two-wheeler I managed to ride during my college days. I was quite proficient with car driving when a cousin of mine suggested I 'must' learn bike-riding. Even though I had reservations, I agreed and went for my bike-riding lessons with him.

How did my dislike for bikes originate ? Very simple, the bikes come with a 'hand operated clutch' and what you press with your right foot is 'not' the accelerator. So when my cousin said, "Release the clutch slowly and give accelerator", I did what I do with my car. But the engine just died down with a whimper. My cousin said, "Not that, not that one, you have to turn the accelerator in your right hand.

So I released the clutch and turned on the accelerator. The damned thing began to dance like a rodeo bull because I was still pressing my right pedal inadvertently. Before we knew, both of us were on the ground with the bull, I mean the bike jamming both of us underneath in a messy tangle of legs, handle bar and hands. Luckily we weren't much hurt.

We pulled ourselves out of the tangle and mounted the bull again. This time I decided to be more meticulous and kept my right leg off the pedal and gradually did what I was supposed to do. Now it was a sudden take off and my cousin was down on his back and the bike was now celebrating his fall like a horse standing on his hind legs with the front wheel in the air and I was holding on dearly with both feet in the air. And then I was down again.

I understood one thing, this entity called bike had a mind of its own. In fact, it was not 'it'. It had to be 'Her' because only a 'she' is capable of such vindictiveness and tantrums. I was convinced about that. She had decided from the word go that, "I'm not going to allow this idiot to ride me at any cost". She knew I didn't like her at all. Though my cousin really loved her, he had to face her wrath because he did the unpardonable act of making a moron mount her.

My cousin recovered back to his feet and declared, "Govindu, you may be a Doctor but you are not up to it, when it comes to bikes. I don't want to test my luck a third time. So my advise is, you never ever try a bike again. You're simply good for nothing". Most people would have taken this as an insult or as a challenge and tried harder. But I loved my cousin too much and didn't want to risk his life for a third time and thus ended my tryst with bike-riding !

So why and how did my dislike and fear turn into hatred for two-wheelers ? Just look at the picture. It is self explanatory !

A world infested with bikes !

The bikes crisscross, overtake you from right, left and from any possible angle. They overtake from left and immediately cut to right before you. They jam both sides of the road when there is a queue. After doing all this, they park between two perfectly placed cars and then some of them on both sides so that not a single car will be able to budge from their position. Try moving those handle-bar locked monsters from the crevice between two cars and then people will realize why I hate bikes so much !

Most bikers park their nuisance machines wherever they feel like and leave without a bother about how much bother they are causing for others. Often if someone is standing with his legs apart in stand at ease posture, he might see bikes parked between the parted legs before he could realize. Often, we can see a bike parked strategically in a car park, eating into a space that could have easily hosted two cars.

The rudeness, rashness and brashness of the bike riders has to be experienced to be believed. Many a bikers believe 'helmet' is worn to avoid fines. Trying to overtake from a cleft on the left side is routine for the mean machines. If by chance they bump into your car, be ready to face choicest of abuses and even physical violence. The feeling of immortality associated with youth makes them behave thus and sometimes leading to doom.

One thing about these bikes is most of them run for 5 - 6 days with a table spoon of petrol. Like the remarkable cockroach, they can squeeze into any crevice, survive any traffic jam and can find a place to park inside a ladies handbag if necessary. Some youngsters are married to the bike and some even go to the loo on it.

Girls and two-wheelers is definitely a deadly combination. As it is, they have smaller frontal lobes in the brain and mostly have extremely ordinary driving skills. Give them the unpredictable little mischief makers and what we have is utter chaos on roads. The ladies scooter too has a mind of own. It never agrees with the rider and both of them always go their own way. Where it all ends depends upon the cosmic forces and of course the net result of the two opposite forces.

An average girl will be concerned about her jeans / salwar / saree, makeup, hair and of course mobile while riding a scooter. While boys have rear-view mirrors that adjust themselves in the direction of girls, a girl's rear-view mirror is built to make sure she won't miss seeing herself while riding.

But the best thing about a girl's two-wheeler is the indicator. Whatever we do, the indicator will show left when the girl turns right and right when she wants to go straight. So much so, some companies have initiated steps to install different set of indicators designed for girls. These smart indicators will start working only after the girl has made up her mind as to which way she wants to turn or if she wants to turn at all.

Well, I've wandered too far from my original plan of confessing about my bike-phobia. Let me be pardoned for that. I think I've confessed enough to last for a couple of weeks. So let me conclude by saying, "I don't hate bikes, the bikes hate me. I'm just scared of them like I'm scared of girls. I don't understand either of them. Not my fault !"

Dr. Punned-it

Baba, Gobi Manchurian and Thanda Pani : मेरा भारत महान !

Often I think India isn't all about "Unity in diversity" as much as it is about "Diversity in Unity". It is only the borders and the Cricket team that keep us together. Regions, religions, zones, castes, sub-castes, reservations and then languages; we have too many things to keep us divided. And I don't even have to mention Paes, Bhoopati and our politicians.

Indian languages are all so similar yet so different. For an outsider, all of them look and sound similar. But we know how different they are. Kannada and Telugu scripts look so similar but the languages are poles apart. Tamil and Malayalam look and often sound similar but Tamil has too few letters and Malayalam, too many !

My teenaged daughter was getting ready to school. I saw her applying Kohl [Kajal] to her eyes and asked, "Are you going to school or to a fashion parade ?". She replied in Konkani what can be directly translated as, "Our teachers scold us if we go to school without writing the eyes". I was taken aback by the reply and asked her, "What do you mean ?". She said, "Appe, in Malayalam they say just that !"

That is when it occurred to me. In Malayalam they say, "കണ്ണെഴുതി പൊട്ടും തൊട്ടു വരണം" - "Kannezhuthi Pottum Thottu varanam" which means "You should apply kohl to eyes and apply bindi on forehead when you come to school".

That triggered off a thought. If a Malayalee teacher were to express the same in Hindi, what would she say ? "आँख लिख कर बिंदी छु कर आना !" or "Aankh likh kar, bindi choo kar aana". We think in our mother tongue and then translate it word by word into other languages, often leading to this kind of gaffe.

Tamil probably can create the maximum confusion for the uninitiated who try to read or write Tamil. A simple illustration: "பாபா", the same written word can be pronounced as "Baba", "Bapa", "Paba", "Papa", "Bhabha" and "Fafa". I will never be able to know which "பாபா" is this "பாபா" !

"காந்திமதி" is "कान्तिमती" or "Kantimati"; an Indian name of a girl, which means "Bright mind". But ask most people of Tamilnadu and they think it is "Gandhimathi" which means "Gandhi's mind". Now I don't want to know which Gandhi they mean !

At the other end of the spectrum is the Tamil name "தண்டபாணி". Mostly people spell it as "Dandapani". But some people prefer to spell it as "Thandapani" and then it becomes funny. A north Indian would read it as "ठंडा पानी" which stands for "Cold Water".

Cauliflower is an innocent vegetable well known as "गोबी का फूल" or "Gobi ka phool" in Hindi. It is famous because of the universally popular Indo-Chinese collaboration called "Gobi Manchurian". But in Tamilnadu, it becomes "Kopi Manchurian". The neighborhood boy "Gopi" becomes "Gobi" in Kerala. If Gopi is eating Gobi Manchurian and a Tamilian and a Malayalee and a north Indian have to talk about this, it sure is bound to cause enough diversity !

I've heard, people of Bengal, Assam and Orissa predominantly use 'O' in place of 'A'. So my doubt is what will happen to our Bollywood icons "Amar, Akbar, Anthony" ? Will they become "Omor, Okbor, Onthony" ? My lack of exposure to the North East helps because my already confused mind can't withstand any more of that.

The level of knowledge of Indians about India is really pathetic. A lot of Malayalees think the language I speak [Konkani] is from Karnataka because I am from Karnataka and they ask me, "Is it Telunk ?". A large number of people in Karnataka don't know Tamil and Malayalam are two different languages. Most of North Indians still call all South Indians, "Madrasis" even in 2012.

North Indian serials and movies still show South Indians as the bumbling dark man in shabbily worn mundu with the name, Mr. Aiyer. The level of ignorance of these people is exposed by the fact that Babita, the Bengali wife of Mr. Aiyer in "Tarak Mehta Ka Oolta Chasma" calls him Aiyer and not by his first name. South Indian men are almost always shown as educated but somehow they are always selling coconuts wearing feminine expressions and the "Ayyayyo" has to be repeated every 3 minutes. And the typical Sardarji has to be an idiot. Contempt for 'the others' is our nature !

Wife calls her husband, "Aiyer"

Internet is brimming with people fighting about 'OUR' state and language being better and other people being suckers. Kannada vs Tamil fights, Telugu vs Tamil fights, Mallus vs Others fights, North vs South fights, Bongs vs Others fights and Us vs them fights ! There are hardly any Indians we see and then we proudly proclaim, "मेरा भारत महान" or "Mera Bharat Mahaan". In Kerala, a lot of people would pronounce it as "Mera Pharat Mahaan" !

In spite of all these, we Indians are indeed "Mahaan", because we still exist, survive and flourish together !



Dr. Punned-it

ಕತ್ತೆ ಬಾಲದ ಕಥೆ : ಒಂದು ಮಹಾ ಪ್ರಬಂಧ

 "ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು ಸಾರ್ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು"

ಕತ್ತೆ ಒಂದು ಬಹು ಸಾಧು ಪ್ರಾಣಿ. ಇದಕ್ಕೆ ನಾಲ್ಕು ಕಾಲು, ಎರಡು ಕಣ್ಣು, ಎರಡು ಮೂಗು ಮತ್ತು ಎರಡು ಕಿವಿಗಳಿವೆ. ಶರೀರದ ಮುಂಭಾಗದಲ್ಲಿ ಒಂದು ಬಾಯಿ ಹಾಗೂ ಹಿಂಭಾಗದಲ್ಲಿ ಒಂದು ಕತ್ತೆಬಾಲದಂಥ ಬಾಲ ಇದೆ. ಬಾಯಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ತುಂಬಾ ಹಲ್ಲುಗಳಿವೆ ಮತ್ತು ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಕಿರಿಚಾಡಲು ಒಂದು ಉದ್ದದ ನಾಲಿಗೆ ಇದೆ.

ಕತ್ತೆ ಕುದುರೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಇರುವ ಆದರೆ ಕುದುರೆ ಅಲ್ಲದ ಕುದುರೆಯ ವಂಶಕ್ಕೆ ಸೇರಿದ ಜೀವಿ. ಆದರೆ ಇದು ಹೀನ ಜಾತಿಯ ಪ್ರಾಣಿ ಆದುದರಿಂದ ಇದನ್ನು ಎಲ್ಲರು ಕತ್ತೆ ಎಂದು ಹೀಗಳೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಜೀಬ್ರ ಎಂಬುದು ಇದೇ ವಂಶಕ್ಕೆ ಸೇರಿದ ಮಿಶ್ರ ಜಾತಿಯ ವಿದೇಶದಿಂದ ಆಮದು ಮಾಡಿದ ಪ್ರಾಣಿ.

ದನ, ಎಮ್ಮೆ, ಆಡು ಹಾಗೂ ಒಂಟೆಯ ಹಾಲು ಕುಡಿಯುವ ಮನುಷ್ಯರಾರೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಹಾಲು ಕುಡಿಯುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಇದು ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಇರುವ ಕೀಳರಿಮೆ ಕಾರಣವಾಗಿ ಎಂದು ತೋರುತ್ತದೆ. ಆದರೆ ಇದರಿಂದ ಸತ್ಯವಾದ ಲಾಭ ಆಗುವುದು ಕತ್ತೆಮರಿಗೆ. ಅದರ ಪಾಲಿನ ಹಾಲನ್ನು ಯಾರೂ ಕದ್ದು ಕುಡಿಯುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಹೀಗೆ ನೋಡಿದರೆ ಕತ್ತೆಮರಿ ಬಹು ಭಾಗ್ಯಶಾಲಿ.

ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಸಂಸ್ಕೃತದಲ್ಲಿ "ಗಾರ್ಧಬ" ಎಂಬ ಶುಭ ನಾಮವಿದೆ. ಹಿಂದಿಯಲ್ಲಿ "ಗಧಾ" ಎಂದೂ, ತಮಿಳ್ ಹಾಗೂ ಮಲಯಾಳಂನಲ್ಲಿ "ಕಳ್ಹುದ" ಎಂದೂ ತೆಲುಗಿನಲ್ಲಿ "ಗಾಡಿದ" ಎಂದೂ ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ. "ಕತ್ತೆಗೇನು ಗೊತ್ತು ಕಸ್ತೂರಿ ಪರಿಮಳ" ಎಂದು ಹಿರಿಯರು ಹೇಳಿದ ಗಾದೆ ನಿಜವಾಗಿಯೂ ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಮಾಡಿದ ಮಹಾ ದ್ರೋಹ ಹಾಗೂ ಅವಮಾನ. ಕತ್ತೆಯನ್ನು ಕನ್ನಡದಲ್ಲಿ ಮುದ್ದಾಗಿ "ಕತ್ತೇ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯುವ ಅಷ್ಟು ಸೊಗಸಾಗಿ ಬೇರೆ ಭಾಷೆಗಳಲ್ಲಿ ಕರೆಯಲು ಆಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ ಎಂಬುದು ಸತ್ಯ.

"ಕಾರ್ಯವಾಸಿ ಕತ್ತೆ ಕಾಲು ಹಿಡಿ" ಎನ್ನುವ ಗಾದೆ ಯಾರೋ ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಒದೆ ತಿಂದ ದುಷ್ಟ ಹಾಗೂ ಸೇಡಿನ ಮನೋಭಾವದ ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಮಾಡಿದ್ದಿರಬೇಕು. ಒದೆ ಖಂಡಿತ ಎಂದು ತಿಳಿದ ಯಾರಾದರು ಕತ್ತೆ ಕಾಲೋ ಬಾಲವೋ ಹಿಡಿಯುತ್ತಾರೇನು ?

ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಕುದುರೆಯ ಎತ್ತರವಿಲ್ಲ ಮತ್ತು ಕುದುರೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಓಡಲು ಬರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ, ಆದುದರಿಂದ ಇದನ್ನು ಕುದುರೆ ಓಟದ ಪಂದ್ಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಓಡಿಸಲಾಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಕತ್ತೆ ಒಂದು ಸಸ್ಯಾಹಾರಿ ಪ್ರಾಣಿ. ಆದರೆ ಇದಕ್ಕೆ ಕಸ, ಹುಲ್ಲು, ಪ್ಲಾಸ್ಟಿಕ್ ಮತ್ತು ರಸ್ತೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಸಿಗುವ ಯಾವುದೇ ವಸ್ತುವನ್ನು ತಿಂದು ಅರಗಿಸಿಕೊಳ್ಳುವ ಶಕ್ತಿ ಇದೆ. ಆದುದರಿಂದ "ಕತ್ತೆ ಮೇದಲ್ಲಿ ಮತ್ತೆ ಮೇವಿಲ್ಲ" ಎಂದು ಹೇಳುತ್ತಾರೆ.

ನಮ್ಮ ಗಣಿತದ ಮೇಸ್ಟ್ರು ಒಮ್ಮೆ ನಮ್ಮ ಸಹಪಾಟಿ ರಾಮುವನ್ನು ದನಕ್ಕೆ ಬಡಿಯುವ ಹಾಗೆ ಬಡಿಯುವಾಗ ಅವನು ಕರ್ಕಶವಾಗಿ ಕೂಗಿದನು. ಆವಾಗ ಮೇಷ್ಟ್ರು "ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ಕೂಗಬೇಡ, ಗೂಬೆ" ಎಂದು ಹೇಳಿದರು. ಕತ್ತೆಗೂ ಗೂಬೇಗು ಏನು ಸಂಬಂಧ ಎಂದು ನಮಗೆ ಅರ್ಥವಾಗಲಿಲ್ಲ. ಆದರೆ ಮೇಷ್ಟ್ರ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಕೇಳಲು ಯಾರಿಗೂ ಧೈರ್ಯವಿರಲಿಲ್ಲ. ದನದ ಹಾಗೆ ಏಟು ತಿನ್ನಬೇಕಾಗಬಹುದು ಎನ್ನುವ ಭಯದಿಂದಯಾರೂ ಬಾಯಿ ಬಿಡಲಿಲ್ಲ.

ನಮ್ಮ ಅಮ್ಮ ದಿನಾ ಸಂಜೆ ಭಜನೆ ಹಾಡುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಆವಾಗಲೆಲ್ಲ ನಮ್ಮ ಅಪ್ಪ ಮನೆಯ ಹೊರಗೆ ಬಂದು ನಿಂತುಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತಾರೆ. "ಏಕಪ್ಪ ನೀವು ಈ ಹೊತ್ತೆಲ್ಲ ಹೊರಗೆ ನಿಂತು ಸೊಳ್ಳೆಯ ಕಡಿತಕ್ಕೆ ಬಲಿಯಾಗುತ್ತೀರಾ ?" ಎಂದು ಕೇಳಿದಾಗ, ಅಪ್ಪ ಹೇಳಿದರು, "ನೋಡಪ್ಪ, ನಿನ್ನ ಅಮ್ಮ ಹೀಗೆ ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ಹಾಡುವಾಗ ನಮ್ಮ ನೆರೆಮನಯವರೆಲ್ಲ ನಾನು ಒಳಗಡೆ ನಿನ್ನ ಅಮ್ಮನನ್ನು ಹೊಡೆಯುತ್ತೇನೆಂದು ತಪ್ಪು ತಿಳಿದು ಕೊಳ್ಳದಿರಲು ಹೀಗೆ ಹೊರಗೆ ನಿಂತು ಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತೇನೆ".

ಧನ್ಯವಾದ: ಫಡ್ನಿಸ್

ಆವಾಗ ನನ್ನ ಸಂಶಯ ಇನ್ನೂ ಜಾಸ್ತಿ ಆಯಿತು. "ಗೂಬೆಗೂ, ರಾಮು ಕಿರಿಚಾಡುವುದಕ್ಕೂ, ಅಮ್ಮ ಹಾಡುವುದು ಹಾಗೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಕೂಗುವುದಕ್ಕೂ ಏನಪ್ಪಾ ಸಂಬಂಧ ?" ಎಂದು ಅಪ್ಪನ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಕೇಳಿದೆ. ಆಗ ಅವರು ಹೇಳಿದರು, "ನಾನು ನಿನ್ನ ಅಮ್ಮನ ಹಾಡು ಮಾತ್ರ ಸಹಿಸಿ ಇನ್ನೂ ಬದುಕಿದ್ದೀನಪ್ಪಾ. ಇನ್ನು ನಿನ್ನ ಗೆಳೆಯನ ಕೂಗು ಸಹಿಸುವ ಶಕ್ತಿ ನನಗಿಲ್ಲ. ಆದುದರಿಂದ ನನಗೆ ಈ ವಿಷಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಏನು ಹೇಳಲು ಆಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ" ಎಂದು ಹೇಳಿದರು.

ಹೀಗೆ ನನ್ನ ಸಂಶಯ ಸಂಶಯವಾಗಿಯೇ ಉಳಿಯಿತು. ಹಾಗಿರುವಾಗ ಒಂದು ದಿನ ನಮ್ಮ ದೂರದ ಸಂಬಂಧಿ ಜಟಾಯು ಮಾಮ ಮನೆಗೆ ಬಂದರು. ಅಪ್ಪ ಅವರನ್ನು ಊಟ ಮಾಡೀನೇ ಹೋಗಬೇಕು ಎಂದು ಒತ್ತಾಯ ಮಾಡಿದರು. ಆಗ ಅಮ್ಮ ಅಪ್ಪನನ್ನು ಒಳಗೆ ಕರೆದು ಹೇಳಿದರು, "ಏನ್ರಿ, ನಿಮಗೆ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪಾನಾದ್ರೂ ಬುದ್ಧಿ ಇದ್ಯೆನ್ರಿ ? ಈ ಜಟಾಯು ಬಂದ್ರೆ ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ಮಾಡಿದ್ದೆಲ್ಲ ತಿಂದು ಹೋಗ್ತಾರೆ. ಮನೇಲಿರೋ ನಮ್ಮ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಏನಾದ್ರೂ ಕಾಳಜಿ ಇದ್ಯೆನ್ರಿ ನಿಮಗೆ ?"

ನಮ್ಮ ನೆರೆಮನೆಯ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಆಂಟಿ ಯಾವಾಗಲು ಅಮ್ಮನ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಅವರ ಅತ್ತೆಯನ್ನು "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದೇ ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಅಮ್ಮ, "ಯಾಕ್ರೀ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಹೀಗೆ ಹೇಳ್ತೀರಾ ?" ಎಂದು ಕೇಳಿದರೆ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಆಂಟಿ ಹೇಳ್ತಾರೆ, "ನೋಡ್ರೀ ಅಕ್ಕ, ಈ ಮುದಿ ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಯಾವಾಗ ನೋಡಿದರು ನನ್ನ ತಪ್ಪು ಕಂಡು ಹಿಡಿಯೋದೇ ಕೆಲಸ. ನೀವೂ ಇದ್ದೀರಾ, ದಿನಾ ನನ್ಹತ್ರ ಊಟ ಆಯ್ತಾ ? ಅಂತ ಕೇಳ್ತೀರಾ. ಈ ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ನಾನ್ ಸತ್ರು ಬೇಜಾರಿಲ್ಲ. ಪಾಪ ಸಂಜೆ ಬರುವಾಗ ನಮ್ಮೋರ್ ಹತ್ರಾನು ಫಿರ್ಯಾದಿ ಮಾಡಿ ಜೀವನ ಎಲ್ಲ ಹಾಳು ಮಾಡ್ತಾರೆ. ನೀವೇ ಹೇಳಿ ನಾನು ಏನ್ ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ ?"

ಆಮೇಲೆ ಒಂದು ದಿನ ಸಂಜೆ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಅವರ ಅತ್ತೆ ರತ್ನಮ್ಮ ಅವರು ಅಮ್ಮನ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಹೇಳಿದ್ದು ಕೇಳಿದೆ, "ರೀ ಭಾರತಿ ಅವ್ರೆ, ಬನ್ರಿ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಹೊತ್ತು ಮಾತಾಡೋಣ. ಎಷ್ಟು ದಿನ ಆಯ್ತು ನಿಮ್ಹತ್ರ ಒಂದು ಮಾತಾಡಿ. ನಮ್ಮನೆ ಕತ್ತೆ ತವರುಮನೆಗೆ ಹೋಗಿದೆ. ಮನೇಲಿದ್ರೆ ಯಾವಾಗಲೂ ಏನಾದ್ರೂ ಅವಾಂತರ ಮಾಡ್ತಾನೆ ಇರುತ್ತೆ. ಈಗಲೇ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಶಾಂತಿಯಿಂದ  ಇರೋಕ್ಕಾಗುತ್ತೆ. ಪಾಪ ನಮ್ಮ ಗೋಪಿ ಹಸುವಿನಂಥ ಸ್ವಭಾವ. ಇವಳಾದ್ರೆ ಜಗಳಗಂಟಿ ಶೂರ್ಪನಖಿ ತರದ ಹುಡುಗಿ. ಎಲ್ಲಿಂದ ಸಿಕ್ತೋ ಇವಂಗೆ, ನಮ್ಮ ಹಣೆಬರಹ".

ನಮ್ಮಪ್ಪ ಅಮ್ಮನನ್ನು, ಅಮ್ಮ ಜಟಾಯು ಮಾಮನನ್ನು ಕತ್ತೆ ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯತ್ತಾರೆ. ಜಟಾಯು ಮಾಮ ಒಮ್ಮೆ ಹೇಳಿದ್ರು, "ನಿಮ್ಮ ಗಣಿತದ ಮೇಷ್ಟ್ರು ಒಂದು ದೊಡ್ಡ ಕತ್ತೆ ಕಣಪ್ಪ. ಚಿಕ್ಕ ಮಕ್ಕಳನ್ನೆಲ್ಲ ಕೆಟ್ಟದಾಗಿ ಬಡೀತಾನೆ. ಏನು ಒಂದು ಚೂರು ಮನುಷ್ಯತ್ವಾನೆ ಇಲ್ಲಾಂದ್ರೆ ?". ಈ ರಾಮು ಎಂಬ ಹುಡುಗ ಅವ್ರ ಮಗ.

ನಮ್ಮ ಶಾಲೆಯ ಮಿಟುಕಲಾಡಿ ಹಾಗು ಅಹಂಕಾರಿ ಎಂದು ಹೆಸರು ಪಡೆದ ಅಭಿರಾಮಿ ಒಮ್ಮೆ, ನಮ್ಮ ಮುಂದಿನ ಬೆಂಚಿನಲ್ಲಿ ಕುಳಿತಾಗ ಬಹು ಪೋಕ್ರಿಯಾದ ರಾಜು ಎಂಬ ಹುಡುಗ ಅವಳ ಪಾನಿ ಟೈಲ್ ಗೆ ಒಂದು ಚೀಟಿ ಕಟ್ಟಿ ಹಾಕಿದ. ಅದರಲ್ಲಿ "ಇದು ಕತ್ತೆ ಬಾಲ" ಎಂದು ಬರೆದಿತ್ತು. ಇದು ಕೈಗೆ ಸಿಕ್ಕಿದಾಗ ಅವಳು ತಿರುಗಿ ನೋಡಿದಳು. ನಾನೇನೂ ಮಾಡದೆ ಇದ್ದರೂ ಅವಳು ನನ್ನ ಕೆನ್ನೆಗೆ ಹೊಡೆದು "ನೀನೆ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಹೇಸರಗತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಬೈದಳು. ನನಗೆ ತುಂಬಾ ಸಿಟ್ಟು ಬಂದು ಅವಳನ್ನು ವಾಚಾಮಗೋಚರವಾಗಿ ಬಯ್ಯಬೇಕು ಅಂದುಕೊಂಡೆ. ಆದರೆ ಅವಳ ಕೆಂಪಾದ ಕೆನ್ನೆ ಹಾಗೂ ಮಿಂಚುವ ಕಣ್ಣುಗಳನ್ನು ನೋಡಿ ನನಗೆ ಏನೇನೂ ಹೇಳಲು ಆಗಲಿಲ್ಲ. ನನ್ನ ಬೇಸರ ಕಂಡು ಪಾಪ ರಾಮು ಹೇಳಿದ, "ಹೋಗಲಿ ಕಣೋ, ನೀನೇನೂ ಮಾಡದೆ ಇದ್ದರೂ ಅವಳು ನಿನಗೆ ಹೊಡೆದಳು ಮತ್ತೆ ಬೈದಳು. ಸತ್ಯವಾಗಿ ಅವಳೇ ಕಣೋ ಕತ್ತೆ, ನೀನಲ್ಲ." ಎಂದು. ಹಾಗೆ ನನ್ನ ನೊಂದ ಮನಕ್ಕೆ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಸಮಾಧಾನವಾಯಿತು.

"Law is an ass" ಎಂದರೆ "ನಿಯಮ ಒಂದು ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಯಾರೋ ತಿಳಿದವರು ಹೇಳಿದ್ದಾರಂತೆ. ನಮ್ಮ ಮಂತ್ರಿಗಳು ಹಾಗೂ ರಾಜಕಾರಣಿಗಳು ಒಬ್ಬರು ಮತ್ತೊಬ್ಬರನ್ನು "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾ ಇರುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಆವಾಗಾವಾಗ ವಿಧಾನಸಭೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಕತ್ತೆ ನಾಯಿಗಳ ತರ ಹೊಡೆದಾಡಿಕೊಳ್ಲೋದನ್ನ ನಾವು ದೂರದರ್ಶನದಲ್ಲಿ ಕಾಣುತ್ತೇವೆ. ಆದರೆ ಸತ್ಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಇವರೆಲ್ಲ ಜನರನ್ನು ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು ಎಂದು ತಿಳಿದು ಹೊರಲಾಗದ ಕರಗಳನ್ನೆಲ್ಲ ನಮ್ಮ ಬೆನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ಹೊರಿಸುತ್ತಾರೆ ಎಂದು ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಆಂಟಿಯವರ ಗಂಡ ಗೋಪಿ ಅಂಕಲ್ ಹೇಳ್ತಾರೆ. ಅವರನ್ನೇ "ಯಾವಾಗ್ ನೋಡಿದರೂ ಆಫೀಸ್ ಕೆಲಸ ಅಂತ ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ದುಡೀತಾನೆ. ಮನೆ ಕಡೆ ಚಿಂತೇನೆ ಇಲ್ಲ ಹುಡುಗನ್ಗೆ" ಅಂತ ಅವರ ಅಪ್ಪ ಬಯ್ಕೊಂತಾರೆ.

ಈ ಕತ್ತೆ ಬಾಲದ ಕಥೆ ಉದ್ದುದ್ದಕ್ಕೆ ಬೆಳೆಯುತ್ತಾ ಇದೆ. ನೋಡ್ತಾ ಹೋದ್ರೆ ಎಲ್ಲರೂ ಎಲ್ಲರನ್ನ "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಅಂತ ಕರೀತಾರೆ. ಸ್ವತಹ ತಮ್ಮನ್ನೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಅಂತ ಬಾಕಿಯವರು ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ ಅಂತ ಯಾರಿಗೂ ಗೊತ್ತಿಲ್ಲ. ನನಗೆ ಮಾತ್ರ ಗೊತ್ತಿದೆ, ಯಾಕೇಂದ್ರೆ ಆ ಅಭಿರಾಮಿ ನನ್ನ ಮುಂದೇನೆ "ಹೇಸರಗತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆದದ್ದು. ಸತ್ಯವಾಗಿ ನೋಡಿದ್ರೆ ಅವಳೇ ಒಳ್ಳೆಯವಳು ಅಂತನಿಸುತ್ತೆ. ಏನಿದ್ರೂ ಮುಂದೇನೆ ಹೇಳಿದಳು. ಹಿಂದಿನಿಂದ ಹೀಗಳೆಯುವವರೇ ಜಾಸ್ತಿ ಇರುವ ಲೋಕದಲ್ಲಿ ಮುಖ ನೋಡಿ ಮುಂದೇನೆ ಹೇಳಿದ ಕೆಂಪು ಗಲ್ಲದ ಪಾನಿ ಟೈಲ್ ಹುಡುಗಿ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಬೇರೆ ತರ ಕಾಣಿಸಿದಳು. ಇದು ಆಶ್ಚರ್ಯ ಅಲ್ಲವೇ ?

ಏನೇ ಹೇಳಿದರೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಎಂಬ ಮುದ್ದಾದ ಸಾಧು ಪ್ರಾಣಿಯನ್ನು ಹೀಗಳೆಯುವ ಮನುಷ್ಯರ ಸ್ವಭಾವ ನನಗೆ ತೀರ ಇಷ್ಟವಾಗಲಿಲ್ಲ. ಎಷ್ಟು ಭಾರ ಬೆನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ಹೊರಿಸಿದರೂ ಯಾವುದೇ ರೀತಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ವಿರೋಧಿಸದೆ ಅನವರತ ಕೆಲಸ ಮಾಡುವ ಕತ್ತೆಯೇ ನಿಜವಾದ ಕರ್ಮಜೀವಿ. 

ಮನುಷ್ಯರು ಒಬ್ಬರು ಒಬ್ಬರನ್ನು "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯುವುದಲ್ಲದೆ ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಆಗಲು ಯಾರೂ ಶ್ರಮಿಸುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಕಷ್ಟಪಟ್ಟು ಕೆಲಸ ಮಾಡುವುದು ಯಾರಿಗೂ ಇಷ್ಟವಲ್ಲ. ಆದರೆ ಎಲ್ಲರ ಅಭಿಪ್ರಾಯದಲ್ಲಿ ತನ್ನ ಹೊರತು ಬಾಕಿ ಎಲ್ಲರೂ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು. ಹೀಗೆ ಇಷ್ಟವಲ್ಲದೆ ಇದ್ದರೂ ಎಲ್ಲರೂ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳೇ. ಕುರಿಗಳು ಸಾರ್ ಕುರಿಗಳು ಎಂದು ಯಾರೋ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಮನುಷ್ಯರು ಬರೆದಿದ್ದರಂತೆ. ಸತ್ಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಈ ಲೋಕವೆಲ್ಲ "ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು ಸಾರ್ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು" !




Dr. Punned-it

Montek's monument: Shit happens !

A lot of shit has been washed down the flush since the controversy about the Rs. 35 lakhs toilet erupted. I thought it's better late than never to make my humble contribution to the load of shit-talk going on.

So what would be the reaction of different people once they see this 'monumental' toilets ?

Pratibha Patil: Oh shit, how could I have missed this place ? Immediately arrange a visit before the Presidential elections.

Manmohan Singh: Finally a place where I can shit in peace without worrying about all the shit that is going on around me.

Mamta Banerjee: This is shit neglect of Bengal. Either roll back the toilet of construct one Kolkotta.

Rahul Gandhi: This proves my theory of two Indias. There are millions who don't have decent toilets to shit and then we have such toilets but people who just can't shit.

The 'Other' India !

Digvijay Singh: This is a Sangh Parivar conspiracy to smear shit on the Congress and Gandhi-Nehru family. We will not allow them to succeed.

Kapil Sibal: Shit or no shit, we can prove that it is not a national waste but just a notional waste !

M. S. Dhoni: Well of course, there was no decent toilet facility in Siachen Glacier. We have to keep our calm and remember you can't win always. Shit happens, oops it happens. The final result is not in our hands, but we have to keep performing.

Sachin Tendulkar: Aila, I just said no for a bungalow. If I knew making shit was so expensive in Delhi, I would have said no to the Rajya Sabha seat also.

Virendra Sehwag: I will play my natural game. The kind of toilet doesn't change my approach to shit. If there is width, I will attack. There is no question of changing my approach.

Narendra Modi: It is a clear cut Italian conspiracy. They have used Italian tiles, Italian marbles and Italian granite and even Italian Engineers to please their Madam. They can even import Italian shit now.

Yeddiyurappa:  People of Karnataka want me back in my shit, I mean my seat. Otherwise people will bring down this illegal government with the help of illegal Kings of mine.

Baba Ramdev: I have a strong doubt, they have constructed this place not to make shit, but to hide the black money. Otherwise why are they planning to restrict visitors with card entry ?

Anna Hazare: With the money they have wasted, they could have passed the Jan Lokpal bill. Instead, they have made arrangement to pass motion. I prefer to fast till death than shit in those toilets !

Aamir Khan: Shit happens, but in the end, "Satyameva Jayate" will be a big hit !

Shah Rukh Khan: My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist. Then why this card for entry to a place where we go to shit ? Trust me, in Kolkotta, you can do it anywhere !

Salman Khan: Critics call my movies shit. This toilet cost just 35 lakhs. Sanjay Leela Bhansali's sets cost much more than that. And my movies make more than 100 Crores. Mujh par ek ehsaan kar ke mujh par koi ehsaan mat kar. I don't need anyone else' toilets. I will pass my own shit.

N. S. Sidhu: They have constructed such a monument for that purpose my friend, because the planning commission is full of big big ideas that in reality amount to just a whole load of monumental shit !

And finally...


Montek Singh Ahluwalia: Oye, shit ! I forgot my card. Now what will I do ? It is urgent... eeeeee !!!

Dr. Punned-it

Moun Mohan Singh and some Political Blasphemy !

 Finding no concrete substance to blog about, I had concentrated on micro-blogging on Facebook. Then it struck me, I can as well compile those 'photos' on the Blog for keeping things in one place apart from my page "Live, Love & Laugh" on Facebook.

So here is the new experimental post with a compilation of some of my posts on our Prime Minister. Some people found it obnoxious, below the belt and crude. But some people found it funny. Anyway, without any malice towards the elderly statesman, I bring my posts on our Prime Minister here.

This is about modern day Gandhi'ji's monkeys. This evoked some strong reactions !

This one is about 2 Sardar-jis and then the women who control them !

This was a cute photoshopped one I borrowed from the www and added English words where the original work had Marathi words.

This was about the Italian tourists capture, inspired by an SMS.

Needs no description !

After the Petrol price hike !

Dr. Punned-it