Happy Independence Day ?

India is celebrating one more Independence day buoyed up by the best ever medal haul at the just concluded London Olympics. Facebook, Twitter and all  other social networking sites are full of Independence day. Even the Google has acknowledged the importance of 15 August.

But what are we celebrating ? Let us look at the situation prevailing.

‎15 August: Most of us remember India's National Song "Vande Maataram" on this "One Day Maatram" !

People are busy exhorting countrymen and women to "Be Indian and buy Indian" from their Chinese made smartphones or American made iPhones.

There is a drought-like situation in 3/4 of the country and the other quarter is flooded. Most states are already suffering severe shortage of water and electricity.

A large part of India was powerless for over 8 hours and the Power Minister gets promoted to Home portfolio.

Our Prime Minister doesn't open his mouth and the Cricket Chief of Selectors can't shut his.

Our loved and celebrated musicians and doyens of Cinema are in a hurry taking off heavenwards and the Netas appear to be immortal.

One man is obsessed with Jan Lokpal and entire youth is busy with Poke-pal on Facebook.

Price rice is not an issue anymore. Indians seem to have resigned to their fate. We are happy to trust in Karma and carry on.

Our Politicians are busy making money and keeping people divided. Social activitists and Yoga Gurus are busy fasting and soft-pedaling their Political ambitions. 

Our Cricket players are busy playing either IPL or Sri Lanka and Tennis Superstars are busy fighting each other.

There is an overdrive of patriotism on display everywhere in public and on television and then the people evade taxes by hook or crook.

Then what are we celebrating ? Do we have anything to celebrate at all ?

What are we Celebrating ?

Well, Salman Khan has released yet another movie that will break 100 Crore barrier mark within second weekend, even though he might end up in a jail for a wildlife law violation committed in the previous millennium.

Sachin Tendulkar scored his 100th century. So what if India couldn't make it to Asia Cup Finals ? We have the record, right ?

People are buying luxury cars and decking up their brides with tonnes of gold. So what if we couldn't win a single yellow metal at London. We are happy with what we have and can always blame our Politicians for everything that is wrong. We actually develop amnesia and become oblivious to the fact that it is we who elect these 'Leaders' by voting or not voting.

What if the common man can't afford a square meal ? He can now talk on mobile phones of fancied shapes thanks to "Har Haath Me Mobile" scheme. 

38% of Doctors and 34% Engineers in America are Indians. It makes no difference to us that we don't have Doctors in our Primary Health Centers and Engineers are actually enriching foreign countries and hoping the rupee falls further down because their hard earned Dollar becomes more precious in India.

Indian origin Sunita Williams unfurled Indian flag in space. No issues she was sent there by USA.

Sherylyn Chopra brought laurels to India by becoming the first Indian to feature on the "Playboy". She also made a solemn declaration that she didn't sleep with the Playboy boss.

So much happening for the country and hence there should be no need for gloom to loom. So let us cheer up and say cheers and open the cork. Let the spirit flow !

Let's Celebrate our Freedom and Independence !

Dr. Punned-it

Montek's monument: Shit happens !

A lot of shit has been washed down the flush since the controversy about the Rs. 35 lakhs toilet erupted. I thought it's better late than never to make my humble contribution to the load of shit-talk going on.

So what would be the reaction of different people once they see this 'monumental' toilets ?

Pratibha Patil: Oh shit, how could I have missed this place ? Immediately arrange a visit before the Presidential elections.

Manmohan Singh: Finally a place where I can shit in peace without worrying about all the shit that is going on around me.

Mamta Banerjee: This is shit neglect of Bengal. Either roll back the toilet of construct one Kolkotta.

Rahul Gandhi: This proves my theory of two Indias. There are millions who don't have decent toilets to shit and then we have such toilets but people who just can't shit.

The 'Other' India !

Digvijay Singh: This is a Sangh Parivar conspiracy to smear shit on the Congress and Gandhi-Nehru family. We will not allow them to succeed.

Kapil Sibal: Shit or no shit, we can prove that it is not a national waste but just a notional waste !

M. S. Dhoni: Well of course, there was no decent toilet facility in Siachen Glacier. We have to keep our calm and remember you can't win always. Shit happens, oops it happens. The final result is not in our hands, but we have to keep performing.

Sachin Tendulkar: Aila, I just said no for a bungalow. If I knew making shit was so expensive in Delhi, I would have said no to the Rajya Sabha seat also.

Virendra Sehwag: I will play my natural game. The kind of toilet doesn't change my approach to shit. If there is width, I will attack. There is no question of changing my approach.

Narendra Modi: It is a clear cut Italian conspiracy. They have used Italian tiles, Italian marbles and Italian granite and even Italian Engineers to please their Madam. They can even import Italian shit now.

Yeddiyurappa:  People of Karnataka want me back in my shit, I mean my seat. Otherwise people will bring down this illegal government with the help of illegal Kings of mine.

Baba Ramdev: I have a strong doubt, they have constructed this place not to make shit, but to hide the black money. Otherwise why are they planning to restrict visitors with card entry ?

Anna Hazare: With the money they have wasted, they could have passed the Jan Lokpal bill. Instead, they have made arrangement to pass motion. I prefer to fast till death than shit in those toilets !

Aamir Khan: Shit happens, but in the end, "Satyameva Jayate" will be a big hit !

Shah Rukh Khan: My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist. Then why this card for entry to a place where we go to shit ? Trust me, in Kolkotta, you can do it anywhere !

Salman Khan: Critics call my movies shit. This toilet cost just 35 lakhs. Sanjay Leela Bhansali's sets cost much more than that. And my movies make more than 100 Crores. Mujh par ek ehsaan kar ke mujh par koi ehsaan mat kar. I don't need anyone else' toilets. I will pass my own shit.

N. S. Sidhu: They have constructed such a monument for that purpose my friend, because the planning commission is full of big big ideas that in reality amount to just a whole load of monumental shit !

And finally...


Montek Singh Ahluwalia: Oye, shit ! I forgot my card. Now what will I do ? It is urgent... eeeeee !!!

Dr. Punned-it

Welcome to Kochi: The New Sodom !

In these times of Anna Hazare pulling a 'fast' one on the Union Government, I believe a lot of local and perhaps quite important issues are getting marginalized or trivialized. Well, if Anna has managed to obscure Team India's abject surrender in England, anything can happen. After all this happens only in India.

Again almost ad nauseum; I am talking about the roads or rather the lack of them in God's own Country that is Kerala. My own poor little Kochi is struggling to cope with multiple problems. The influx of Bangladeshis masquerading as people from West Bengal is the worst threat to this coastal town. We never know who is an Indian today. The migrant labor might be cheap today, but it might cost us dear in future. I shouldn't considered xenophobic or a Bal Thakre clone; that I am not. I have reasons to believe in what I have stated here. I just hope I am proved wrong.

The other problems is the burgeoning middle class on a rat race that can be called 'Car Wars'. Anyone owning a small car or just one car is a small fry here. Most middle class families own two or even three cars today. Everyone is on a car these days, I repeat everyone. So where do we park all these cars ? I believe we might have to push the backwaters backwards to form a reclaimed parking lot for the Kochi middle class.

Two-wheelers are the new 'Plague'. They are here, there and everywhere. I am scared to stand with my legs apart for a short period anywhere in Kochi. There are fat chances that some smart Alec might park his bike between my legs and leave before I realize. All those who are not on cars are on two-wheelers. The worst thing about these bikes is they cover 200km with one tea-spoon-full of petrol. They come in easy installments and every youth must have them.

These bikes take away young lives thanks to accidents. But they also kill insidiously. Most of our youth hardly walks except to go to the toilet. They step out of house, hop onto the bike and go to office or any place they want to. They park their mean-machines at the nearest possible spot and finish work and are back on bike and then back home. They practically live on bikes. Thus a big section of the youth hardly has any exercise and develop obesity, Hypertension, Diabetes and Heart Diseases at very young age. We might soon become the nation with largest number of bikes and even larger number of young heart patients.

All these and many other problems we face are not unique to Kochi. They are common for every developing place. Bad roads, infrastructural malformations, drinking water, electricity and so on. But what is unique to Kochi is there never was an honest attempt on part of the rulers to even make a cursory attempt to solve the eternal problems with the roads.

The rulers change. But the rules, the policies, the contractors, the workers and the roads never change. I don't remember a single road constructed by the Kochi Corporation lasting one monsoon. No soon the monsoon announces the arrival, the roads begin to break. By August, we have a few roads in a town filled with potholes. A sham of filling these potholes with gravel is conducted every three months till April. Then the potholes are filled with a lot of crushed stones, gravel and exactly 2mm layer of tar in the month of May. The Monsoon is a lot more sincere and arrives mostly in time by end May !

Today, Saturday 27 August 2011 we are in a piquant situation. The roads are completely ragged. The much talked about Thammanam - Pullepady road widening and total revamp of Kochi roads was never taken up. But the Metro Rail is being taken up in a big way. Demolition of the North Railway Over-bridge is taken with utmost zeal by the local government.

So what do we have ? For a 'Castle in the Air' that is Metro Rail, we have a town being devastated. The already congested traffic is going to be redirected through the doomed Thammanam - Pullepady road and many other such under-privileged roads. These roads are already in bad shape and bursting at the seams. The added traffic is going to totally demolish Kochi.

The Traffic Police don't help at all. In fact they make things worse. There are no right turns or 'U' turns in most places in the city. No 'U' turns for long stretches on the highway. At the most strategically placed Kathrikkadavu junction, you can't even go straight. We are sent into a quagmire through the under-bridge and then almost half a kilometer distant 'U' turn that is unmanned and becomes a flash point for outraged drivers to vent their fury on one another. What do these 'patently stupid' measures do ? More and more vehicles are on the roads for longer periods to cover same distance and that means the traffic turns further congested.

So what are we witnessing ? This might sound a tad crude simile, but this is unfortunately true. This is quite like sodomizing an anus already ravaged by piles, fistula and fissures. Our rulers are perpetrating sodomy on my beloved Kochi.

Henceforth the catch phrase for Kerala tourism can go thus, "Welcome to Kochi, the New Sodom"


Dr. Punned-it