Baba, Gobi Manchurian and Thanda Pani : मेरा भारत महान !

Often I think India isn't all about "Unity in diversity" as much as it is about "Diversity in Unity". It is only the borders and the Cricket team that keep us together. Regions, religions, zones, castes, sub-castes, reservations and then languages; we have too many things to keep us divided. And I don't even have to mention Paes, Bhoopati and our politicians.

Indian languages are all so similar yet so different. For an outsider, all of them look and sound similar. But we know how different they are. Kannada and Telugu scripts look so similar but the languages are poles apart. Tamil and Malayalam look and often sound similar but Tamil has too few letters and Malayalam, too many !

My teenaged daughter was getting ready to school. I saw her applying Kohl [Kajal] to her eyes and asked, "Are you going to school or to a fashion parade ?". She replied in Konkani what can be directly translated as, "Our teachers scold us if we go to school without writing the eyes". I was taken aback by the reply and asked her, "What do you mean ?". She said, "Appe, in Malayalam they say just that !"

That is when it occurred to me. In Malayalam they say, "കണ്ണെഴുതി പൊട്ടും തൊട്ടു വരണം" - "Kannezhuthi Pottum Thottu varanam" which means "You should apply kohl to eyes and apply bindi on forehead when you come to school".

That triggered off a thought. If a Malayalee teacher were to express the same in Hindi, what would she say ? "आँख लिख कर बिंदी छु कर आना !" or "Aankh likh kar, bindi choo kar aana". We think in our mother tongue and then translate it word by word into other languages, often leading to this kind of gaffe.

Tamil probably can create the maximum confusion for the uninitiated who try to read or write Tamil. A simple illustration: "பாபா", the same written word can be pronounced as "Baba", "Bapa", "Paba", "Papa", "Bhabha" and "Fafa". I will never be able to know which "பாபா" is this "பாபா" !

"காந்திமதி" is "कान्तिमती" or "Kantimati"; an Indian name of a girl, which means "Bright mind". But ask most people of Tamilnadu and they think it is "Gandhimathi" which means "Gandhi's mind". Now I don't want to know which Gandhi they mean !

At the other end of the spectrum is the Tamil name "தண்டபாணி". Mostly people spell it as "Dandapani". But some people prefer to spell it as "Thandapani" and then it becomes funny. A north Indian would read it as "ठंडा पानी" which stands for "Cold Water".

Cauliflower is an innocent vegetable well known as "गोबी का फूल" or "Gobi ka phool" in Hindi. It is famous because of the universally popular Indo-Chinese collaboration called "Gobi Manchurian". But in Tamilnadu, it becomes "Kopi Manchurian". The neighborhood boy "Gopi" becomes "Gobi" in Kerala. If Gopi is eating Gobi Manchurian and a Tamilian and a Malayalee and a north Indian have to talk about this, it sure is bound to cause enough diversity !

I've heard, people of Bengal, Assam and Orissa predominantly use 'O' in place of 'A'. So my doubt is what will happen to our Bollywood icons "Amar, Akbar, Anthony" ? Will they become "Omor, Okbor, Onthony" ? My lack of exposure to the North East helps because my already confused mind can't withstand any more of that.

The level of knowledge of Indians about India is really pathetic. A lot of Malayalees think the language I speak [Konkani] is from Karnataka because I am from Karnataka and they ask me, "Is it Telunk ?". A large number of people in Karnataka don't know Tamil and Malayalam are two different languages. Most of North Indians still call all South Indians, "Madrasis" even in 2012.

North Indian serials and movies still show South Indians as the bumbling dark man in shabbily worn mundu with the name, Mr. Aiyer. The level of ignorance of these people is exposed by the fact that Babita, the Bengali wife of Mr. Aiyer in "Tarak Mehta Ka Oolta Chasma" calls him Aiyer and not by his first name. South Indian men are almost always shown as educated but somehow they are always selling coconuts wearing feminine expressions and the "Ayyayyo" has to be repeated every 3 minutes. And the typical Sardarji has to be an idiot. Contempt for 'the others' is our nature !

Wife calls her husband, "Aiyer"

Internet is brimming with people fighting about 'OUR' state and language being better and other people being suckers. Kannada vs Tamil fights, Telugu vs Tamil fights, Mallus vs Others fights, North vs South fights, Bongs vs Others fights and Us vs them fights ! There are hardly any Indians we see and then we proudly proclaim, "मेरा भारत महान" or "Mera Bharat Mahaan". In Kerala, a lot of people would pronounce it as "Mera Pharat Mahaan" !

In spite of all these, we Indians are indeed "Mahaan", because we still exist, survive and flourish together !



Dr. Punned-it

All are equal, yet some people are less equal !

Just take a look at the news item and some of the badly Photoshopped photos here and then we will proceed with the post.

They hate him, but why ?

So too Sreesanth ?

Launch Pad !

One of my colleagues told me, "I will not watch 'Indian Rupee' because Prithviraj is there". I asked, "But why ? It is a Ranjith movie and Prithvi has done a good job.". She told, "But he is too arrogant". I persisted with, "How do you know ? Has he ever been so with you ? Did he ever offend you ? What was it that he did or said that came across as arrogant ?". She replied, "Haven't you seen the videos of Prithviraj and his wife talking about English ?"

Well, I must say I have an issue. I am posting here what I thought about 'La affaire Prithviraj'.

In 2003, the handsome bearded younger son of Late Sukumaran and Mallika made his debut in Malayalam Cinema. Soon he was lapped up by people and was touted by the media as the next Superstar to replace the 'arrogant' Mammootty and Mohan Lal.

Today, we see a whole load of slander on the www and in the print media about the same prospective Superstar. He was fine even till a year ago. Many people used to say he has a little bit of head weight. But there was no witch hunt ! How did the things change so drastically ? Did he turn arrogant overnight ? Has success gone into his head ?

Let me digress a little bit here. I drive on Kochi roads every day. Every single day, I am witness to enormous amount of aggression and plain bullying by drivers on the road. The Auto rickshaw drivers overtake from the wrong side, brush your side and break your rear-view mirror and then shout you down with choicest of abuses in Malayalam. What do you call this ?

The big brother is even worse. The bus drivers will subjugate you with sheer overwhelming terrorism. By chance if you question their rashness, you will have to face a barrage of abuses and be prepared to get banged. Even if you maintain equanimity, you still might have to suffer 'Theri Vili' or calling names.

Go to a Cinema hall. You see a guy smoking inside the air-conditioned hall and politely request him not to smoke. What next ? "This Theater is not your father's property. Shut up and sit there. If you can't tolerate, get out !".

Visit any office where they have some powers to make you wait. The Clerk will make you wait even if you are there for a simple one minute job. If you request for quick results, be ready to hear things like, "This is not any charitable institution. You have to wait. If you can't wait, come tomorrow". Just to submit a fully updated application, you will have to "Come tomorrow" if the person in power is in a foul mood. And tomorrow will always have another tomorrow !

Just browse through Facebook and Orkut pages of young people. For every modest youth, you will see two bragging about their own prowess, looks, caliber, magnanimity and intelligence. Guys who can't differentiate an out swing from an off break will judge Sreesanth and girls who refuse to recognize their childhood friend due to difference in social status will complain about 'arrogance' of Prithviraj.

Prithviraj and Sreesanth have slogged on their way to achieve what they have today. It is perfectly possible that they would have been better off with a milder attitude. It is also possible Sreesanth would have played more tests if he were to behave like an obedient boy.

But as a race, we Indians in general and Malayalees in particular have an attitude problem. If players like Andre Nel and Steven Finn show aggression, we envy that and even admire that secretly. But when an Indian shows aggression on field, we castigate him, subjugate him and then would do our best to consign him to recycle bin.

It is so immensely funny that these people, the Auto Rickshaw driver, his big brother, the smoker bully, the clerk and the unknown Facebooker are the ones who will sit on judgement on how Prithviraj and Sreesanth should conduct themselves ! It is true that there are so many good mannered people out there who too are complaining about Prithviraj and Sreesanth. But these are the same people who suffer the bullies in everyday life without even a whimper.

Ours is a democracy where all are supposed to be equal. We all know some are more equal. But there are some who are less equal ! I don't know the reason, but there definitely seems to be pattern to this witch hunt against those who show a mind of their own. Prithviraj especially has been targeted by the press after he married secretly keeping the nosy media out of his wedding function.

When it comes to judging celebrities, the middle-class follows a new path. "All are equal, yet some are less equal" !

WHY IS IT SO ?

Coming to the final part of my post, there is another 'pet hate' of the middle class Malayalee; Ranjini Haridas. This bubbly girl who has worked her way into celebrity status has been ridiculed for her dresses, her accent, her Malayalam [Manglish] and for just being Ranjini Haridas. Men don't have pangs about staring at her and young women burn with envy looking at this 30 year old.

Idea Stare Singer !

And who are complaining ? It is those people who are ashamed to say, "Ende Bharthaavu" and would always say, "Ende Husband" or even worse, "Ende Hus" that suspiciously sounds like "Ende Husk". The middle-class Malayalees just don't bother when words like 'Mol' and 'Marumagan' get displaced by 'Daughter' and 'Son in law'. For quite long now, I have not heard any man or woman telling, "Ende Ammayi-achchan", it is always "Ende Father in law".

Buses plying through Kadavanthara don't go "Kadavanthara vazhi" but "Via Kadavanthara" or "Kadavanthara touch cheythu pokum". Haven't seen a 'Paatta' in a long time. There are only cockroaches or roaches in Kerala. Nobody gets "Thala vedana"now. "Oru bhayankara headache" is common. This list is endless.

And Ranjini Haridas is bad because she mutilates Malayalam. Right?

Post Script: This post isn't about defending Sreesanth, Prithviraj and Ranjini. They are quite successful and can fend and defend for themselves. This is my view on the double standards practiced by the opinion makers and religiously followed by the middle class.




Dr. Punned-it

National Anthem in Malluland

Extremely Important: I am no Xenophobic or linguophobic. I love God's Own Country which today is my own Country. I love Malayalees, especially the long haired species without the 'Y' chromosome. All my rantings are but about the language and nothing more, nothing less !

This is my first ever attempt to actually record some of those 'Manglish' jokes from real life. Since I don't have the facility to podcast on my Blog, I am uploading it as a video. I would like everybody to believe that the 'Frog' seen in the video is just happenstance and not intentionally indicative of the state of mind of the native Malayalee !

Inadequate quality of the video is regretted. Hence I am providing the text of the podcast.

A young lady Medical Representative recently came with her senior Manager. As he started talking, I could make out he was not a Malayalee thanks to his English. Since his English sounded somewhat like the Bangalore type, I asked him, “You aren’t from Kerala, right? From where do you come from?”

He replied, “You are right Sir, I am from Chennai. But Sir is there any problem?” I said, “Not a problem at all, it’s just that your English didn’t sound like the Kerala English to me. That is all”. 

The young lady interrupted with, “Why Sir, is it because only we in Kerala speak proper English?” I smiled and said, “No, contrary to that you people are the ones who have a problem with English. Why English, you speak all languages in Malayalam.” She looked a little bit offended and asked, “How can you say that Sir? We are the most educated state in India”

I had to tell her, “See, English language doesn’t have ‘heavy Ls’ and ‘heavy Ns’. But you people insert them everywhere. For example, just pronounce Collage, School, Colony, Bun, Sunny and then you will understand what I mean. You will make them sound CoaLLage, SchooL, CoLony, BuN, SuNNy. Right” 

I pressed ahead, “See, you make Shah Rukh Khan into Sharoo Ghan, Salman Khan in Salman Ghan. It is Khan… KHAN from the epiglottis. You bring them from the umbilicus” She retorted, Sir, but everyone will have this kind of different accents. Why pick only Malayalees?”

I politely replied, “I didn’t pick on Malayalees. You were the one who boasted about only Malayalees speaking correct English. All of us have our peculiarities. It is no big deal. I just had to tell you and correct your misconception. That’s it”

I have blogged about this before and I have cried hoarse about people in Kerala turning the ‘horse’ into ‘hoarse’ and ‘Nurse’ into ‘Nezhse’. And then there are so many things like AapiLL, PupiLL, PuLLing power, FLower MiLL and the list is endless. 

Once a Perumbavoor born nurse said, “Phatt Saarum Phaaryayum Phayangaramaayi vishkkunnathukondu Pharat Tourist home-il chennu Phakshanam kazhichu” And an Insurance agent once said, “Innu Phoori Phaagam aalukal ee policy thanneya edukkunnathu”

And now they pronounce SatiDa, SaviDa and SangeeDa. This is also really funny. You write something and pronounce something. That is why I still find it tough to speak Malayalam” 

Since I don’t want this podcast to appear as a tirade against Malayalees, I will finish this with the National Anthem or Naashanal Aantham as they sing in some of the schools in Kerala; especially the Central Travancore side.

Everybody please stand up.

Jena Gena Mana Adhinaayaga Jaya Hay Phaarada Phagya Vidhada

Penchaab Sinth Gujaraada Maraadha Dravida Utkala Venga
Vinthya Himaajala Yemunaa Genga Uchchala Jaladhidarenga
Tava Shupha Naame Jaahay 

Tava Shupha Ashisha Maahey
Gaahey Dava Jaya Gaadha
Jena Gena Mangala Daayaga 

Jaya Hay Pharada Phagyavidhada

Jeya Hay Jeya Hey Jeya Hey

Jeya Jeya Jeya Jeya Hay…

Dr. Punned-it

Left, Right and Wrong: A Story of a Fight !

Committing a Crime is bad, but tolerating or ignoring a Crime as it is being committed is worse !
Krishna in Geeta !


After the events that lead to my previous post, I have tried my best to remain cool in most of the provocative situations. I have succeeded in many and failed partly in some. But this incident deserves a narration as a follow up to my story of my own evolution.

Thanks to unexpected illnesses and unforeseen circumstances, there is a sudden shortage of Doctors in our small Hospital. In a small institution, this means only one thing; those around will have to work overtime. So here I am, forced to slog and then write about my travails on my blog !

After a hectic nearly 36 hours schedule, I was going home on my little Santro last Thursday. The roads are so bad, some parts have only half the road. Can't really blame drivers if they behave rudely. Anyone can run out of sanity on these crater filled apologies of roads.

I was about half way to home. Through a particularly bad stretch, I was sticking to extreme left of the road because there was some semblance of tar over there. Then I saw an Auto Rickshaw appearing from the opposite side crisscrossing the potholes. And then it was there right in front of my car, both face to face.

I stopped and waited for the Auto Rickshaw driver to take his vehicle off. But he was not budging. Instead, he was honking and insinuating towards me to get going. I was surprised. I was on the extreme left, that is the right side to be, on our roads. Now, some vehicles had gathered behind me and some behind him too. There was a huge crater to my right and I was in no mood to jump into it as it was not my side.

I saw the Driver, a thirty-something chap come out and scream at me. I slid down my glass and asked him what was all the drama about. And this conversation ensued. He was talking in Malayalam and I had to respond in the same tongue. Here is a loose translation of what transpired.

He: Don't you have eyes ? Did you not see my light flashing ?

Me: Really ? But what lights ? Am I not on the correct side ? It is you who is on the wrong side.

He: There is no side. I can't take my vehicle through the gutter.

Me: Well, do you expect me to do that ? Neither am I going to do that.

He: You go whichever way you want. Right, left or up, but get lost from here.

Wow, this was a situation to explode with expletives. But my mastery over Malayalam isn't something to crow about. So I decided to act pigeon.

Me: But Brother, here I am to the extreme left of the road. Can't go any further left. There is the compound over there. Neither can I go to right because you can see a crater there. Going up is out of question, because I am not Rajnikant !

He: #@*%#&;$#@. Are you joking ? I can bash you up and throw you into the gutter.

Me: Well, that is violence. You probably are capable of that. But we live in Kochi, not Afghanistan. So you can't go Scott-free. There is Police and Law.

He: %#*&+;@~#*&+;% Police can't touch me. Will you get lost or should I smash you ?

Me: Brother, can't you be a little decent ? Have I used any bad language ? Why don't you talk with some respect ?

He: Respect, you son of a #$%&=;*, creating a block here and talking smart ?

By this time some people from either side had tried to overtake and there was a holy mess. Some people came out of their vehicles to find out what was going on.

Our man was explaining to them in loud voice how atrociously I had blocked him. So I just told a couple of people who peeped into my car, "Just look at who is on the wrong side and then you people can decide who is on the right side".

People were murmuring. Some of them asked him to move. He was not ready to budge. Some of them wanted me to sacrifice because he was too crass. "Don't you have some shame, fighting a guy like him ?" asked one of them. So finally I had to make the move.

And so I said, "See, this man is wrong from the beginning. But if my moving could help to diffuse the situation and solve this logjam, I could definitely do it. But as you people can see, I am stuck here. His language and rudeness has been beyond tolerance. I don't have any more work today. I have AC in my Car and will switch on the AC and rest right here. I can't fight him at his level. But neither am going to move from here. Let the Police come and decide how to solve this problem. I have enough access to fight a case if such a scenario occurs. I know enough Advocates who will fight my case even till the Supreme Court. But I am not going to move from here".

With this, I raised my glass, increased my AC to full blast and leaned back in my seat to listen to Jagjeet Singh. I could see the people move towards him and could see a lot of argument. He had expected to win by being foul. I had from the beginning decided not to lose my balance at any cost.

It really pays to stay cool. The crowd had become irate. I was enjoying a heavy duty verbal attack on him. One of the guys even called up Police from his mobile. This perhaps worked. Because our man immediately jumped inside his vehicle, pulled back a little and waded through the pothole on his side. He glared at me as he was going past and blurted, "I will see you #$%&@^. I will smash you one day when I get the chance".

I smiled at him and declared firmly but with a very low volume audible only to him, "You better watch out. You have declared this openly with so many people around. Now even if someone else even as much as scratches my car, YOU will be held responsible. I can assure you there will be enough people to vouch for me against you. And I will have any number of Advocates to fight my case to the logical conclusion. And I don't forget faces or number plates. Thanks for giving way and take Care !"

We both knew who won. I realized the importance of retaining the composure during situations of extreme provocation. If I were to pick up a fight with him on his own terms, he would have dictated terms. Fighting a swine is really tough. He will enjoy all the time as he keeps pulling you down and before you know you are in deep shit. I had decided not to end up in a pool of fecal matter. So I stayed out and actually enjoyed.

Managing to remain calm and not getting into a free for all brawl made me feel good. But what made me feel better is the fact that I did not allow the scumbag to escape with such deplorable behavior. I don't really know how I could have reacted in a similar situation if I had to rush for an emergency. I managed to come out better because I was not in a hurry. Hope I'll be able to retain my equanimity even when I am running against a deadline.

The best thing about the whole episode was that I had real fun through all this simply because I was determined to win without shouting or ranting. Victories taste sweetest, when the fights are won without violence !





Dr. Pun-dit

Tension in Life; A Perspective of a Doctor who is Human First !

Do you Smoke ?

This is the commonest question we Doctors ask our patients during the routine history. Working in the ICCU for nearly a decade and a half and dealing with Heart Patients almost all the time, this has become a stock question for me. So much so, I have had great difficulty while I "Interrogate" the ladies; especially elderly ones ! Imagine a much younger man asking a seventy year old lady "Do you smoke ?"

If the man says an emphatic "No", he is mostly right. But if he sounds a bit sheepish, then the next line will be, "Never tell lies to your Doctor and to your Lawyer". That is a Malayalam saying. The truth is both Doctors and Lawyers mostly deal with differing magnitudes of falsehoods.

Usually this one works and then he'll say "Err... sometimes / occasionally / once in a while". So I ask, "How while is once in a while ?" Our job becomes easy from here. We can blame smoking for all his problems. From a lung problem to a stroke to a heart attack to a common cold to a lack of libido, you can blame all of them on the cigarette.

To those who have never smoked all life; we can say, "Well, that makes both your and my jobs easy. You have a better chance of doing well compared to a smoker !"

Now moving to the smokers; there are those occasional smokes, the frequent smokers, those who smoke only outside the house and then the chronic smokers. The addicted smokers are more difficult to deal than the alcohol addicts. They think smoking is a lesser evil and even consider it as a stress buster.

There are many jokes about smoking and smokers. The famous one was by George Bernard Shaw about the Cigarette having 'Fire' at one end and a 'Fool' at the rear end ! But smokers counter this by saying; The Greatest King ever was, is and will be SmoKing !

I personally know some people who consider smoking dearer to them than even the family, well only sometimes. A close friend who also happens to be a relative has a real problem. He has tried, or shall I say people have tried a million things to help him quit smoking. But he still can't stay off that lousy stuff for more than half an hour !

We all know smoking starts as curiosity for a little fellow, becomes a statement of style for a youth, a pastime initially for a working man, then a habit forming stress buster for the middle-aged and finally an addiction for a lifetime !

But at anytime in life, when a Doctor counters a smoker with the question, "Why do you smoke ?"; there is almost a uniform and stock answer, TENSION ! "What tension ?" has always been my next question. The answers have varied from being arrogant to absolutely dumb to plain obnoxious !

Here are some of the answers...

My work involves huge tension because I am in charge of an entire section in a Super-Market !

I am a Software Engineer and we have very stiff targets to meet. You can never understand the stress !

I am a head load worker. It is a tough job. We have a lot of worries and tensions. It is difficult to manage.

I am in the Insurance Sector. There is cut-throat competition. We need to be alert all the times. Smoking helps to relieve tension. And I don't smoke all that much, may be 10 - 12 cigarettes a day !

I am a Script-writer for TV Serials. My creativity depends on smoking. Output suffers when I don't get my Gold flake Kings. You can't imagine the tension we undergo during shooting !

I am an Advocate. There can't be any other profession with as much stress. The tension I have to face before a live hearing in the court can't be described. I calm down after a fag and am confident to go before the Judge.

I am a businessman. There are thousand tensions in business. Everyday we have to look into so many issues and when you settle all those, you have new problems waiting for you. How can we relax if we don't smoke ?

So much of tension I must say ! And then some of the ridiculous answers...

My wife is not good in the bed and I can't even enjoy life. All tension. What else is there for enjoyment ?

My mother and wife keep on fighting all the time. There is no peace of mind. So much tension !

I suspect my wife is having an affair with a man in her office. I can't do anything because she doesn't care. I am not that kind of a guy who beats up the wife. So much tension you see !

My daughter is of marriage age but we are not able to find a groom and so much tension ! For this one I asked, how old is your daughter and how long have you been smoking ? He admitted, she is 24 and I am smoking since about 35 years but it has increased now due to unbearable tension ! Aha...!

After going through all these answers, the reader must have realized one thing. We don't know if "God" exists, but if there is something "Omnipresent" it has to be TENSION !

My story doesn't end here. I ask all these people the following question, "By chance, if something goes wrong at your workplace or at home, does someone die ? Has anyone lost a life if you make a mistake ?"

The answers have mostly been... "Well, nobody dies, but why do you ask?"

I just tell them: "I am working in this ICCU. I deal with heart patients and Heart Attacks every single day of my life. If I commit a mistake or mostly even if I don't, People will DIE. Have you ever shoved in a tube into the throat of a man and injected medicines directly into his heart and thumped on his chest and given shock to him ? How often have you seen a person who was talking to you just a few minutes ago suddenly collapse and end up as a dead body ? How will you take it if you have to tell a 70 year old widow that her 45 year old son has just died of a heart attack ?... And you say YOU have Tensions ?"

What is your take ?

A Master Piece ?

Jack of all trades but Master of none !

So many times since childhood I have heard the cliched saying, “Jack of all trades but Master of none!” I have wondered about it as many times too. The first such a person I remember was a cycle repairer in my own little town of Karkala. He was very popular for his helpful nature.

He could repair quite a lot of things apart from bicycles. He sometimes caught snakes. He had his reward too in the form of a photograph printed on the front page of the local newspaper along with the reptile. He was the first one to arrive with help and moral support whenever someone died in our town. And he stayed till all the members of the bereaved family had taken some food after the funeral.

He played Chess with his friends when he had no work and even when he had work. He ran errands for the older ladies in return for a coffee. Yes, a strong filter coffee with jaggery as sweetener. The coffee was not his wages but was just a way of saying “I belong to you!” And for all his kindness, he was called “Maryaada Raman” after the mythical character.

As I grew up, I realized there are so many of these people among us. The Jacks were there all over the place. But today when I have seen a lot more of this world, I realize it is the other way around. The Jacks are not there all over the place. The truth is, there is a Jack in all of us; every one of us. Howsoever hard we try, becoming a Master isn’t an easy task.

I see a Jack every day, everywhere and in fact every time I look into the mirror. I am not Mastered anything in life. But I believe I can manage so many things in day to day life. Hence I qualify to be a Jack. I can fix most of the problems with my PC and internet connection. I have also repaired my father’s LED lamp, a three-fold umbrella and the number lock of my wife’s suitcase successfully. When a plumber failed to turn up to fix a tap in our home, I fixed it myself and saved rupees 350 for my wife. I have corrected most of the snags with my wife’s mobile phone.

I also have learned to fix the Treadmill Stress Testing system and Holter monitoring system at our hospital. I helped with the project work of my daughter and could see that was a decent job. I have even prepared coffee and made fresh lime soda for guests. Once I was honored to be the Chief Guest for a function at my daughter’s school. I managed to give a speech in Malayalam and even that came off okay. Actually by the age of forty, everyone has become a Jack, you like it or not.

Why do I consider myself a Jack ? Let me start from childhood. I was reasonably okay with studies, but was never the real topper in my class at any time. I played Cricket, Football, Badminton, Kabaddi, Volleyball and almost all the games that were played by the boys and girls of my age in those days. Though people told I was fairly good, I never really won anything.

I once ran a hundred meters race and came fourth out of the six that started. I tried my hand at painting and won too. A consolation prize! Every single participant won it. I participated in elocution, extempore speaking and singing and won a second prize for singing. Yes second prize !

As I moved to high school, I was more interested in Cricket and thought I could become a great all-rounder. I really believed, I could bat like Sunil Gavaskar and bowl like Shivaramakrishnan. But all my skills somehow were limited to my backyard where I could spin the ball miles and was never beaten or bowled by any ball. However during the matches; the pitch, the weather, the planetary positions, the umpires, the coconut tree just inside the long on boundary and practically every force on earth conspired against me and I came up cropper most of the times.

Then I moved to college. During PUC, I really started realizing my skills were extremely ordinary when it came to sports, games or any extra-curricular activities. So I concentrated on studies. Because, otherwise I would have ended up repairing bicycles like my father and I didn’t like that idea one bit. Thankfully I got through the entrance and ended up in Medical College Bellary.

Once in the Medical College, I was away from home and started to see the world. I learned a hell of a lot from the hostel life. During the ragging days, I learned to act and also to sing. Act sick to escape ragging. It did help to scare the daylights out of a senior who dared to rag me. I sang and won the second prize more than once, but never the first !

I learned the fact that you can’t live on past laurels. The marks I got in PUC or the rank I got in entrance were absolutely useless. I had to slog as hard as the other students to hold my forte. There were a lot of bitter lessons. But I am a zillion times better today thanks to those lessons.

I even learned to eat brinjal thanks to the hostel life. I started to appreciate my mother’s cooking only after I ate all the stuff dished out by the cooks in our mess. I have no doubt about one thing though. The Hostel Mess was very aptly called “Mess”. You couldn’t think of any other name. What a holy mess it used to be !

During the growing up period, I also grew up as a Critic, Writer and Satirist. I could see fun in the most grievous matter and sarcasm in Holy Scriptures. I could shred into pieces any piece of writing or an art. Movies were my favorite. I once commented about a movie, “This movie is absolutely useless till the interval…” When people asked, What about the post interval ? I told, “Well, it only gets worse from there !” This kind of sarcasm made me an armchair critic. Guys and girls often took my opinion on movies before they went to watch them.

I also wrote articles on our wall-journal. Once I criticized the tendency of Kannadigas to wake up on first of November every year to show their love for the language and then promptly go back to sleep for the next 364 days. This received a lot of support and an equal amount of flak. But I realized I could write. Because what is a write up if it doesn’t create some action and reaction ? One should know the fact. If what you write doesn’t evoke reactions, the writing is on the wall !

I completed my Medical Graduation and came down to Kochi, Kerala in 1995 and settled down here. I have seen life here for nearly fifteen years now. The people here are lot more politically inclined and are almost entirely polarized behind one of the two fronts.

There is an irony in Kerala politics. There are two Democratic Fronts, United and Left. But both of them have managed to pull the state “Back” in terms of overall development and infrastructure advancement. When I talk about this to the natives, they prefer to talk about secularism, Ishrat Jehan, exploitation of working class and the rights of citizens. The leftward of them also point out the Chief-minister’s daring act of demolishing buildings in Kochi, Munnar and other places.

I started to write to “Letters to the Editor” column in the Indian Express. Some of my letters were published and some were dumped into the waste basket. Even those published were heavily edited. Their job was to edit and they were doing a fine job of it. In one of the letters that was published, not one word was changed by the Editor. That was the first word, Sir! All else was his own, but the name was mine. What I thought were real issues didn’t appeal to the Editors and I understood another truth. Even as a Critic, I was just a Jack !

And finally to conclude what has been a really long post, even in my chosen profession of being a Doctor, I have remained a Jack. I never got a chance pursue Post-Graduation. So I don’t have a Masters Degree and have remained a Bachelor of Medicine. Today I am working as an Intensivist cum General Practitioner; and am a Jack of almost all trades in Medicine, but not a Master of any. So this is one real Jack for a lifetime !

So can I call this post as my Master Piece ?

No, I will settle for a Jack Piece !


Dr. Pun-dit