Tabla, Band and the Wife of Zakir Hussain !

I see in my clinic, many an young people claiming to be from West Bengal [Waste Bengal in their language], whose names sound very much like those Bangladesh Cricketers. Zainul Abedin, Mushfiqul Rahim, Shafiul Islam are among those hundreds working in the construction sites as cheap labor.

They live in extremely inhabitable ghettos surrounding the construction sites. It's extremely difficult to assess their actual motives but we have to treat them when they come with health problems. They seem to come to me because of my comfort with Hindi, which is the only language they can manage other than Bengali. This post isn't about the suspected Bangladeshi immigrants. This is about a stand out character I see very often.

Many other construction workers from Bihar and UP too come to my clinic. But they mostly come in groups and are always seen moving in groups. This is a 21 year old boyish looking chap hailing from a small town in Bihar and is the only one among them, who comes alone to consult me.

This is an incredibly funny character. I first saw him about 10 months ago. He had come with a complaint of stomachache. Translating our Hindi dialogues to English is a tough job. But let me try that. I have seen him many times since he first came to me about 10 months ago. I am chronicling only the important encounters here.

Encounter - 1:

Looking tense, anxious and forlorn, this handsome boy walks into my clinic and asks, "Doctor Saab, Hindi maloom ?" [Doctor, know Hindi ?] I replied, "Nahin".

He looked dejected but said, "Lekin idhar sab bolte hain ki aapko maloom hai" [But people here say, you know Hindi]

I replied with a smile, "Chalo yaar aapke liye Hindi bhi bol denge !" [OK, will speak in Hindi for you]

His face lit up and he said, "Bach gaya. Kya Doctor saab, daraa diya. Idhar koi Hindi bolta nahin, ulta humen daraate hain ki Malayalam seekho. Malayalam naam theekse bol nahin sakte hum" [I'm saved, What Doctor, you scared me. Nobody speaks Hindi here and they want us to learn Malayalam. I can't even pronounce the word Malayalam properly]

He introduced himself as Zakir Hussain from a small village in Bihar. He is one of the seven kids of his father from two wives. Being the oldest, he had to fend for his family. He flunked in class 7 and did odd jobs in his native place for five years before he was sent here by one of his uncles for a better pay.

I asked him jovially, "Kitne bachche hain ?" [How many kids ?]. He replied "Saat" [7]. I asked, "Bees saal aur saat bachche ?" [Twenty years and 7 kids ?].

He looked embarrassed and shot back, "Kya Doctor saab, humaara nahin. Abbu ke saat bachche hain. Apni toh nikah bhi nahin huyi" [What Doctor saab ? My Dad has 7 kids. I am not even married].

I laughed and asked again, "Ikkees saal aur abhi tak shaadi nahin huyi. Kyaa yaar kab karoge shaadi ?" [21 years and not yet married. When are you going to get married ?]

He smiled back and said, "Shaadi toh karni hai. Lekin uske liye paise chahiye. Mai apni biwi ko achchi tarah rakhna chahta hoon. Paise kamaane ke liye idhar aaya hoon" [I have to marry. But I need money for that. I want to look after my wife well. I'm here to earn money for that]

So I proceeded to examine him and prescribed him some medicines for acidity and advised not to eat spicy food. He said with a very humble tone, "Doctor saab, kisee bhi tarah aap mujhe theek kar-deejiye. Nahin toh dawaayi khaate khaate mere poore paise kharch hojaayenge. Mai kabhi nikah nahin karpaaoonga" [Doctor, somehow make me better. Otherwise all my money will be spent on medicines and I'll never be able to marry]. I asked him to follow up after 2 weeks.

Encounter - 2:

He came 2 months later with same problem and complained, "Doctor saab, mai barbaad hogaya. Mera pet poora kharaab hai. Mai mar jaaoonga. Kuch toh karo aur mujhe bachaado. Mai kunwaara nahin marna chahta" [Doctor saab, I am ruined. My tummy has gone bad. I'll die. Do something and save me. I don't want to die a bachelor].

I jokingly asked, "Shaadi ke turant baad marna theek hai kya ?" [Is it OK if you die soon after marriage ?]

He: Kya Doctor saab aap bhi, Kuch bhi bolte hain ? Phir meri biwi ko kaun dekhega ? [What Doctor saab, you can tell anything ? Who'll look after my wife ?]

Me: Agar shaadi se pehele itna pyaar biwi se hai toh apni sehad ko theek se sambhaalo. Maine pichli baar do hafte baad aane ko kahaa tha na ? Kyun nahin aaya ? [If you have so much of love for wife even before marriage, you should take care of your health. Why did you not came after 2 weeks as I'd advised ?]

He: Galti hogayi Doctor saab. Iss baar maaf kardo. Ab mai sab theek se karoonga. Mujhe bachaado. Meri toh shaadi bhi nahin huyi ! [I'm sorry Doctor saab, it was a mistake. Now I'll do everything right. save me please, I am not even married !]

I prescribed him medicines again and told him that he had something like an Ulcer [because he didn't understand acidity] and needed medication on long term to prevent it. I also asked him to eat light. He replied, "Kya light khaana Doctor saab ? Idhar sirf do cheez banti hai, Sambaar aur chaawal. Ab iss-se light kya khaayen ? Hawaa ?" [What light food Doctor saab ? Here only rice and sambaar is available. What lighter can we eat ? Air ?]

I assured him that rice and sambar was good for him and asked him to review after a month.

Encounter - 3:

He came as I was on my way home from the clinic and looked flustered. He was desperate and wanted to see me. But I could see he was not in serious trouble and asked him to come next day. He agreed and came next day. He said, "Doctor saab, meri toh shaadi bhi nahin huyi. Maine kisee aurat ke saath koi chakkar bhi nahin kiya. Phir bhi mere saath aisa kyun hua ?" [Doctor saab, I am not married and I never did anything with any woman. Then why did this happen to me ?]

He was on the verge of breaking down and I consoled him and proceeded to examine him. All he had was fungal infection in the groin and he thought it was a serious sexually transmitted disease. I reassured him that it had nothing to do with women and was just a matter of hygiene and sent him with a prescription.

He left with a happy smile, "Thanks Doctor saab, mai toh socha ki barbaad hogaya. Humaara bachcha toh hoga nah ?" [Thanks Doctor saab. I thought I am ruined. I will kids no ?]. I said, "Ek nahin saat - aath agar tum chaho toh" [Not one but 7 -8 if you want]. He winked and replied, "Nahin Doctor saab, meri biwi pareshaan hogi. Hume sirf do kaafi hai" [No Doctor saab, my wife will be troubled. We'll have only 2]. So much love for a wife who is not even in imagination.

Encounter - 4:

The most wonderful thing about this youngster is his affable nature and ever smiling face. Remembering his famous namesake, I asked him, "Aap Tabla bajaate hain kya ?" [Do you play Tabla ?]

He retorted immediately, "Kya Doctor saab aap bhi. Yahaan beri band baj rahi hai aur aap Tabla bajaane ki baat karte hain !" [What Doctor saab ? Here I'm in trouble and you're talking of tabla]

He had loose motions since 3 days and was really troubled because I was away for 3 days. He didn't want to see any other Doctor and came every evening to my clinic when I was away. I prescribed medicines and he was better within a day. Any Doctor would've done that but try telling him that and he would quip, "Aisa nahin. Mujhe sirf aap hi theek kar sakte hain. Aur koi dawaa liya toh mera toh sach me band bajega" [Not like that. Only you can make me better. If I take any other medicine, my band will be truly played].

Encounter - 5:

His latest visit was last night. He had come with a scrotal swelling suggestive of Hydrocele. He looked disgusted with himself, "Itnee cjhoti umr me itnee saari bimaari. Mai toh ek mareez bangaya hoon. Doctor saab kuch bhi karke mujhe phirse theek karo. Iss-se achcha marajaana hai" [Such young age and so many illnesses. I have become a serious patient. Doctor saab, do something and make me better. It's better to die than this]

I consoled him saying, "There are many kids in the world suffering from diseases like Cancer and Diabetes, who learn to live with them and even conquer the illness. Your illnesses are basically nothing. All curable and simple ones. You are lucky to be born so handsome and pretty healthy. You will be perfect by the time you are ready to marry"

He looked extremely happy. His eyes were welling up when he said, "Aapko pata hai Doctor saab ? Mujhe har mahine 10 hazaar milte hain. teen hazaar toh idhar kharch ho jaata hai. Paanch hazaar mai ghar bhejta hoon aur do hazaar sambhalke rakhta hoon. Mai achchi tarah jeena chahta hoon. Mai koi galat kaam nahin karta aur sochta tha ki kyun mujhe hi aise bhayaanak bimaariyaan aati hai ! Lekin aapne mera dil halka kar diya. Mai zindaa rahoonga nah ?" [Do you know Doctor saab ? I earn 10000 per month. I send 5000 to home. 3000 is spent for myself here and I save 2000. I want to live well. I don't have any bad habits and used to think why I was getting such horrible diseases. Now I am relieved. I will manage to live, right ?"

It was a lump in the throat situation for me. Here is a jovial young chap with dreams of a beautiful life with a beautiful wife who is just an imagination. And he was getting emotional for once. I reassured him, "Tum sirf bachche nahin, bachchonke bachche bhi dekh sakoge. Koi fikr mat karo. Hamesha khush raho" [Not only kids, you'll even see the kids of your kids. Be happy always"

He parted with a statement, "Mera iss gaon me koi dost nahin. Baat karneko bhi koi milta nahin. Sirf ek aap mere liye, dost, bada bhai, Doctor saab aur himmat sab aap hai ! Jab bhi meri nikah hogi, meri biwi aur baadme mere bachche, sabko mai aapke baare me bolunga. Sab aapko yaad rakhenge !" [I have nobody in this place. You are my only friend, big brother, Doctor and my support. Whenever I get married, I will tell my wife and my kids about you and all of us will remember you !"

Touched !



Dr. Punned-it

Have you ever been caught with your pants down ?

Have you ever been caught with your pants down ?

I have been !!!

I was working in a small hospital in a place called Ponkunnam between 1996 and 1998. Early days in Ponkunnam were hilarious but nothing could beat this !

I had an urgency to go to the toilet when on a night-duty. I went to the Duty-Doctor's resting room. I latched the room from inside as I always did. Not wanting to get the bottoms of my pants wet, I removed my pants and shorts inside the room and kept them on the bed. As I was walking towards the bathroom, the bath room opened on me and there stood a cute little nurse in front of me.

Only saving grace for me was my tee-shirt was long enough to save my 'man-maryada' from being auctioned completely. The situation was like who was more flustered, the girl or me !

The situation worsened when she couldn't open the door because I had latched it so hard. Being on the shorter side, she was just not able to unlatch it ! Me with the tee-shirt pulled as down as possible was not even in a position to pull my pants and put them on. Neither could I open the door for her.

I did the best possible thing in the given circumstances. I ordered her right back into the bathroom and then got myself dressed and opened the door for her and let her out and then let out a sigh !

I never knew the Nurses used Doctor's resting room in that hospital. That wicked little thing kept giving me crooked smiles throughout my stay in Ponkunnam. But thankfully, she never went beyond that. She never told anyone else; perhaps !

Post Script: Ever since, I always check if there is someone in the bathroom before I even close the door behind me !


Dr. Punned-it

Happy Independence Day ?

India is celebrating one more Independence day buoyed up by the best ever medal haul at the just concluded London Olympics. Facebook, Twitter and all  other social networking sites are full of Independence day. Even the Google has acknowledged the importance of 15 August.

But what are we celebrating ? Let us look at the situation prevailing.

‎15 August: Most of us remember India's National Song "Vande Maataram" on this "One Day Maatram" !

People are busy exhorting countrymen and women to "Be Indian and buy Indian" from their Chinese made smartphones or American made iPhones.

There is a drought-like situation in 3/4 of the country and the other quarter is flooded. Most states are already suffering severe shortage of water and electricity.

A large part of India was powerless for over 8 hours and the Power Minister gets promoted to Home portfolio.

Our Prime Minister doesn't open his mouth and the Cricket Chief of Selectors can't shut his.

Our loved and celebrated musicians and doyens of Cinema are in a hurry taking off heavenwards and the Netas appear to be immortal.

One man is obsessed with Jan Lokpal and entire youth is busy with Poke-pal on Facebook.

Price rice is not an issue anymore. Indians seem to have resigned to their fate. We are happy to trust in Karma and carry on.

Our Politicians are busy making money and keeping people divided. Social activitists and Yoga Gurus are busy fasting and soft-pedaling their Political ambitions. 

Our Cricket players are busy playing either IPL or Sri Lanka and Tennis Superstars are busy fighting each other.

There is an overdrive of patriotism on display everywhere in public and on television and then the people evade taxes by hook or crook.

Then what are we celebrating ? Do we have anything to celebrate at all ?

What are we Celebrating ?

Well, Salman Khan has released yet another movie that will break 100 Crore barrier mark within second weekend, even though he might end up in a jail for a wildlife law violation committed in the previous millennium.

Sachin Tendulkar scored his 100th century. So what if India couldn't make it to Asia Cup Finals ? We have the record, right ?

People are buying luxury cars and decking up their brides with tonnes of gold. So what if we couldn't win a single yellow metal at London. We are happy with what we have and can always blame our Politicians for everything that is wrong. We actually develop amnesia and become oblivious to the fact that it is we who elect these 'Leaders' by voting or not voting.

What if the common man can't afford a square meal ? He can now talk on mobile phones of fancied shapes thanks to "Har Haath Me Mobile" scheme. 

38% of Doctors and 34% Engineers in America are Indians. It makes no difference to us that we don't have Doctors in our Primary Health Centers and Engineers are actually enriching foreign countries and hoping the rupee falls further down because their hard earned Dollar becomes more precious in India.

Indian origin Sunita Williams unfurled Indian flag in space. No issues she was sent there by USA.

Sherylyn Chopra brought laurels to India by becoming the first Indian to feature on the "Playboy". She also made a solemn declaration that she didn't sleep with the Playboy boss.

So much happening for the country and hence there should be no need for gloom to loom. So let us cheer up and say cheers and open the cork. Let the spirit flow !

Let's Celebrate our Freedom and Independence !

Dr. Punned-it

A Doctor, a Conduct Certificate and the Final Diagnosis !

Those who think Medical field is all serious business and Doctors are a humorless brand ought to see the inside life of a hospital. From paining piles to brimming files, hospitals often produce volumes of humor. It just is that often, the wit can be shared between Medical professionals only because the humor is often lost in translation. I still have some nice stories to tell that can be understood by everyone. I must admit I am inspired by Richard Gordon in my humor on the hospital. It helps to know such a funny Doctor existed long before us.

Dr. A is the Hero in this compilation of short stories inspired from a real life character. Let me introduce him first. Dr. A is a knowledge freak. He took ten and a half years to complete the MB; BS course which most of the Doctors finish in a hurry within five had a half years. He did his own experiments with drugs and narcotics during this period. He attended all exams at least twice and was a 30 year old veteran by the time he was completely satisfied with his stint at Calicut the Medical College.

His first job was with a Cooperative Hospital. He worked for a whole of two months there and was a self proclaimed pet of his Boss. A senior Physician from that hospital called up our hospital recommending Dr. A for the post of Junior Registrar in the Department of Cardiology or in Medicine. It was believed to be a technical problem with some of the seniors that was responsible for his resigning the job there.

He joined us with a lot of fanfare. Three days into his job with our hospital, Dr. A had surpassed all expectations. My senior colleague Dr. V told me, "Hey GR, Now I know why those b-s-a-d- shunted him out. This is a Moron !". Without any more elaboration, let us move on to the stories.

Terrible Sweating

This was almost a dozen years ago. Every single morning during rounds, Dr. C our Boss used to indulge in some interesting talk with the three of us; Dr. V, Dr. A and myself Dr. G. One day he said, "All of you are 30 now and must know the importance of exercise to keep yourself healthy. Do you people walk at all ?".

Dr. V said, "Yes Sir, both myself and my wife are members of a health club here and we do at least 4 days a week". I said, "Sir, I have a manual treadmill at home and do it 30 minutes a day, 6 days a week". Dr. C was pleased and said, "Good, very good. Keep pushing at it and avoid gaining weight and eat healthy. Well, Dr. A, how about you ? To be honest you look a little too overweight. So what do you do about it ?"

The gem of a reply from Dr. A: Sir, I like to exercise. I really love to. But I find very little time to exercise because of work. And I also get terrible sweating when I walk. I really hate this sweating. Much worse is the problem that I become hungrier after walking and eat quite a lot. That is why I don't exercise. But I am planning to start walking as soon as I find a solution to this sweating problem"

I was wondering which was more funny; the blank look on the face of Dr. C or the smirk on Dr. V's face. Then I settled for the absolutely clueless grin on the face of Dr. A !

The 'Final' Diagnosis

I was in the Stress Test lab on ground floor when I had a frantic call from the Intensive Care Unit on the second floor. It took me three minutes to finish the ongoing test. I rushed to the ICU wondering why did they call me in spite of the fact that Dr. A was there on duty.

As I huffed into the ICU, I saw Dr. A cooling himself under the fan and in front of the AC. Seeing my urgency, he said with a cool assurance, "Nothing to worry. I have seen the patient. Taken a complete and detailed history and done thorough clinical examination and come to a conclusion that the final diagnosis is Non-Cardiac Chest Pain". Since the nurse on duty gestured me towards the bed, I went over and found out to my utter dismay that the ECG monitor showed a straight line. The patient was dead !

The nurse's version of the story: Dr. A had examined the patient who came with chest pain and then went to cool himself before the air conditioner and under the fan. He promised to to see the ECG after recovering from the ordeal of detailed examination. He found no need to call anyone else saying, "It is alright. I can manage this. No need to disturb Dr. V or Dr. G. We will comfortably handle this".

The ECG showed evidence of an Extensive Anterior Myocardial Infarction [Massive Heart Attack]. I cursed myself for those three minutes, but I was helpless. We decided that day that Dr. A will not be left alone in charge of ICU anymore.

Certificate of Conduct

Dr. C, our Boss was extremely upset after the 'Final Diagnosis' and wanted to get rid of Dr. A. Right opportunity came calling when Dr. A decided to get married. A girl 11 years younger and doing LLB in Kochi was to be his bride. We all did attend the after wedding party at his residence and wished the girl a great future.

Dr. A came back after honeymoon a month later. By this time, Dr. C had made up his decision and he politely told, "Dr. A, I don't want to hurt you but I think we don't have a place for you here. You will have to find a suitable hospital for yourself and work in the wards and Casualty to gain enough experience before you can aspire to work in an ICU again. I wish you all the best for your future as well as married life. Thanks you".

Dr. A was crestfallen but pleaded with Dr. C for a certificate of experience and conduct. Dr. C, a man of extremely immaculate principles replied, "Again I am sorry Dr. A. But what kind of a certificate do you want ? I can't give you a glowing certificate about your exploits. I don't want to issue a false certificate. If I give you a truthful certificate, that would hurt your future rather than help you. I believe you'd be better without a certificate from me".

Dr. A came and talked at length to me and Dr. V and wanted to know why Dr. C didn't want him in the department. He wanted to know what was the meaning of a certificate hurting his cause rather than help him.

Dr. A never liked Dr. V and Dr. V too never missed a chance to reciprocate the same feelings. So Dr. V decided to write a copy of a certificate for him inspired from Richard Gordon's Doctor series.

The Certificate

To whomsoever it may concern or may not:

This is to certify that Dr. A claims to have worked in the Department of Cardiology of this Hospital for some time between 2 January 2000 to 1 April 2000. He believes he has gained enough experience during this period to manage any emergency in the Intensive Care Unit. We are yet to understand his real capabilities because he hasn't shown any of that as yet.

Dr. A is quite an overconfident young Doctor who believes he knows everything and that should help him if not his patients. His conduct and character during this period were entirely satisfactory to himself.

We wish him all the luck in future and more luck for his patients.

Signed:

Dr. C

Catheterization on the first day !

Dr. A subsequently joined a bigger hospital claiming to have gained enough experience working under two extremely Cardiologists, Dr. AK and Dr. C. He was immediately posted in Cardiology because both these gentlemen had such enormous reputations. His first day in the Trust Hospital threw up perhaps his greatest challenge. Just two hours into his new job, he was relaxing in Duty Doctor's room with two more seniors. A Nurse from ICCU requested any one of the Doctors to do a catheterization. The senior said, "Well Dr. A, let us begin. Can you do the catheterization ?"

Dr. A replied, "Oh my God, do you really think I should try that and that too today ? I can't do Cardiac Catheterization on my first day. I don't have the experience. Give me about one week and I shall do all that"

Now it was the turn of his senior colleague to be shocked. He said holding back his laughter, "Dr. A, I am quite pleased with your determination to do Cardiac Catheterization within one week. I am here for past one year and haven't done one myself. But if it pleases you, can you go and do the urinary bladder catheterization of this patient for now ?"

PS: Cardiac Catheterization is that process where a Doctor passes a Catheter into the Coronary Artery and heart of a patient to study the blood supply and other things pertaining to heart. People take a minimum of six months of observation and then two to three years of vigorous training to gain some kind of mastery over this technique.

Right man for the Right place

Dr. A had to leave the trust hospital in less than a month. The CEO called him after three weeks and handed over his cheque for the entire month and told, "Dr. A, here is your pay for the entire month. Kindly make yourself unavailable for duty in this hospital with immediate effect. And thank you". Finally we came to know Dr. A had joined a hospital claiming to specialize in 'Piles and Fistula' treatment.

Breaking this news to me, Dr. V told, "GR, our man Dr. Moron has finally found the right job for himself. The arsehole has finally landed with Piles and Fistula. It doesn't get any better than that".

 Status Update: Mentally Unstable Enormous Talent !

I met Dr. A's grandfather about a year ago. He gave me the status update on his grandson. He said, "My grandson Dr. A is now working in a Government Hospital near Kasaragod. He is earning Rs. Three Lakhs now. He is enormously talented and a brilliant Doctor and that is why he got the job. But unfortunately his first wife left him with the child. They made a case of mental instability against him and they won it with money power. But God is with us. He is now married again. You are almost same age as him. Are you married ? And do you get paid as much salary now ? And why did you not try for Government job ? That is very lucrative"

So many questions ! I politely told him, "My daughter is twelve years old. Since I am not very brilliant, I was not selected for Government job. I am not eligible too because I am not from Kerala. I don't get any salary. I am a daily wages worker here and work on incentive basis. They pay me according to the work I do. I somehow manage to feed my family".

He replied, "Oh, that is alright. Even though you and other Doctors here drove him away, he is doing well today by God's grace. His wife also did a lot of harm to him. But he has recovered and living happily with his new wife. Try to be good to people in future and don't harm good people like my Grandson. God will definitely give you a better job and better life in future". Even through this sermon, he looked mighty pleased by my pathetic plight.

I had made a person happy and that is what mattered. I left him there without turning back to see further changes in the expressions on his face !

PS: Rs. Three Lakhs is the annual remuneration of a Medical Officer in Primary Health Centers who work on annual contract basis.



Dr. Punned-it

Archeologist's Day and other Prescription Stories !

Inviting Trouble ?

My Mom had serious aversion to having photographs printed on invitation cards. To know the reason, we have to travel back in time to our childhood. Those were the days of little kids attending to all their calls of nature inside the house. Potty training and toilets for kids were not even heard of. That is where these old stiff and crispy invitation cards came handy; to clean the mess left behind by the toddlers in the house. Her point was other people will use our photographs to clear off the dirt. So how will you like your departed grand-father's photograph smeared with potty ?

When my much respected father-in-law passed away in September 2010, I ordered for invitation cards with his photograph for the function to be held on the 13th day of his demise. But somehow my Mom's thought process came to influence me and I chose the card without photograph.

These cards may not be used for same purpose today. But what do I do with invitations cards today ? I keep them till the day of function and then throw them into waste bin. The thought of having my dear father-in-law's photograph in a waste bin was not so pleasant and I chose the card without the photograph.

It may sound as if I am going to dwell upon invitation cards and photographs here. Well, I am not. Actually I mentioned it here only to stress my view that people never use things for what they are actually meant for. People will use things only according to their whims, fancies and convenience. Just take the case of prescriptions we Doctors generously dole out everyday.

The Archeologist's Day

I was amazed beyond words when a septuagenarian gentleman came to me with a document laminated piece of paper he had treasured. He was handling it like it was a piece of art that he had inherited from his ancestors with at least 500 years of history behind it.

When I examined it closely, it turned out to be a prescription written down by Padmashri Dr. K. N. Pai on 17 July 1970. That meant the antique was older than me ! This gentleman turned out to be an archive later. He had every detail of his and his wife's medical history since 1970. What a pity, he worked for an oil company and retired as Manager. Had he been in the ASI; all disputes regarding Ayodhya, Kashi, Mathura and other places would perhaps have been solved by now.

The Mutilators

This, but was an exception. Most of the people we meet everyday are from the other end of the spectrum. They would misplace, displace, deface or simply forget the prescription given to them on the previous evening. Every second patient I see in my clinic forgets the prescription at home, at the medical shop, at the sub-registrar's office or anywhere it is possible to forget it.

The Mutilated Prescription

The picture above illustrates how most of the people preserve their medical records. Even if they are provided with a file or a cover or an envelope to keep these records neatly, people love to fold them and folding means at least 8  to 16 folds.

The Fold-All Mentality

 

The 8 Fold Prescription getting ready for sweat 16

Couple of years ago, I handed out a typed out and detailed medical report cum prescription to a lady traveling abroad and said, "See we are giving this in a plastic cover. Don't fold this or soil this. This is a precious record and we have included your most updated lab results along with your current clinical status". The lady nodded and got up to leave. As soon as she was on her feet, she began folding the cover and before I could utter another word, she folded it into 8 folds and shoved it into her handbag. Old habits die hard !

Depths of Resourcefulness

The plastic cover brings me to another 'delicious' story. We issue nicely detailed discharge summaries to all hospitalized patients. They are again inserted into A4 size plastic envelope with the instruction printed out, "This is a precious medical document. Please don't fold or soil this and bring it to the hospital during follow up".

That day when I went for my afternoon rounds, I just popped into say bye to a gentleman who was already discharged. What did I see there ? The Discharge Summary was drinking sambar and rasam on the table where they all had lunch. And what about the plastic envelope ? A little fellow was munching on onion pakodas kept in the cover. I was furious and asked them, "What is this ? Look at the Discharge Summary we issued only this morning. And you are using the cover to eat snacks. Do you people have an idea how important this record is ?"

The rude and brash reply by the daughter-in-law can be translated like this, "Oh, what is there in a piece of paper Doctor ? That child was crying for onion pakodas and we didn't get anything else to keep them in. If the paper is spoiled, you people can give another copy. We are paying all the bills. Are we not ?".

The Telephone Directory cum Grocery List

The Telephone Directory

Prescription paper used as telephone directory is very common. Often we see more than a dozen numbers. In one of the worst cases ever, I was humiliated to see a long list of vegetables and grocery right under the list of medicines in a prescription I had issued to a gentleman just a couple of days ago. When I asked him, how could he do that, he replied politely, "Oh so sorry Doctor, I didn't get anything to write when my wife dictated this list. Anyway, you can write down a new one and transfer all details into it".

Well, most of my colleagues can pitch in with many such stories. But there is a serious risk of readers getting bored and folding this blog into 16 or even 32 folds. So let me fold this up here !



Dr. Punned-it

Look-ing Back: Pandi-monium, CBI Diary and other stories !

During one of my interactions on a Facebook group, someone asked me about the lack of law and order with my hair and if it had anything to do with my being too busy to comb. I escaped saying my hair was too straight and sparse and hence wavered along the wind making it tough to keep under control.

My hairstyle being the root cause of public nuisance and intense ridicule isn't a new phenomenon. It has always been so ! But even my appearance has come under the scanner very often. So let me recount some of the instances that have made me feel like an alien.

Seth Dosa

In early days in Kochi as a bachelor, I used to visit a famed Dosa joint practically every day for my midnight snacks while I prepared for the All India PG Medical Entrance Exam. This joint was run by a Konkani family. They didn't know me and I used to converse in my uncomfortable Malayalam with them.

After one and a half year in Kochi, I moved to a small hospital in Ponkunnam. While back in Kochi on a weekend, I again decided to visit this joint. Once there, the owner recognized me and told his brother in Konkani, "This Setu [used for North Indians] boy had probably gone north for some time. Now he is back".

I savored my favorite onion dosa without uttering a word. While leaving, I told them in Konkani, "Your dosas are really nice and the red chutney you serve is unique. It is typically Konkani in taste". I didn't wait for their reaction. The next time I was there, they had done their homework and knew my complete antecedents.

Long Sharp Mustache and the CBI Diary

I worked in Ponkunnam for almost 2 years. While there, I used to travel by bus to Kottayam frequently to watch latest Malayalam and Hindi movies. On one such journey, I was trying to catch some sleep. But the middle aged person next to me was in no mood to let the sleeping Doc sleep.

He poked me on my shoulder and asked, "Where are you going ?". I was annoyed, yet replied politely, "Kottayam" and closed my eyes again. He poked me again and asked, "Where in Kottayam ?". I was in no mood to divulge and hence sai, "Just like that". Then came the next question, "Where do you live ?". I said, "Ponkunnam". He wasn't happy with that and went ahead with, "No, which your native place ?". I too was determined now and replied, "Kochi".

There was a creepy smile on his face and he said, "You are not a Malayalee. You can't be from Kochi. Are you North Indian ?". I was having great difficulty keeping my eyes open and here was a pest not allowing me the pleasure of a short nap on a speeding bus. I said, "No, South Indian".

He must have been a leach in previous life; just not ready to quit sucking. His next question was, "What do you do ?". I said, "Nothing special". "But you should do something for a living. So what is your job ?" was his riposte. Then he asked, "Are you a businessman ?" I replied, "Mmmm, something like that". Pat came the next query, "What business ?".

Now I was at a loss. If I say something and he starts probing the answer, I'd be in further trouble. So I just smiled and said, "Just some small business here and there". He almost concluded, "That means you have a blade company, right ?". Too sick of this nuisance, I just nodded and tried to turn to the other side to catch some sleep.

After what seemed like a short break, the poke was back. He shook me up and said even as I was trying to catch my breath, "You were bluffing all the while. Now I have completely deciphered you. You are very shrewd. Now I know what you do. You are from CBI or Crime Branch and you are here to investigate a case in the high range".

I was still in a daze and asked him, "How did you make out ?". He triumphantly declared, "You may be CBI but we Malayalees are highly educated and intelligent you see. Your secretive behavior, your language, your looks, your color and above all that sharp mustache is very typical of CBI or Crime branch. You have that Police look". Must have been watching too many Police and CBI movies !

I have never been happier when a journey ended. First thing I did after going back home was to trim my extra long mustache !

North Indian Connections

Almost 17 years in Kochi and I still am not accepted as a local even though I have developed a decent client base in my profession. I also have a sizable Punjabi clientele thanks to my love for Hindi. I was at my daughter's school recently attending the district level arts festival. I am fairly well known there thanks to the popularity enjoyed by my daughter.

After her first performance and during lunch break, a gentleman came and told me, "Your daughter's performance was really nice. She should have won. But the CD spoiled everything and unfortunately she might lose because of that". I just nodded and smiled. He was right, she came second in the Folk Dance event due mainly to the substandard CD.

While I was still busy eating, I had a call from one of my Punjabi clients. As I was conversing in pretty decent Hindi, this gentleman kept staring at me. Once I finished, he came to me and said, "So I guessed right. You are North Indian. So are there Shenoys in North India too ? Your daughter and wife speak pretty decent Malayalam. How is that ?". I said "I am from the North is right, but just north of Kerala. My wife is from Kerala and daughter was born here too. That is why they speak decent Malayalam". This was a nice man. He took my reply and left me alone to mind my own business of eating.

Hot blooded Young Man and Pandi-monium 

It was on a night duty during my early days in Sudheendra Medical Mission. A young lady was brought to casualty with fever and vomiting. It was already past midnight. Her husband and father were accompanying her. I talked to her in whatever Malayalam I could muster and examined her.

As I sat down to write down the prescription, her husband asked me, "Doctor Pandiyaano ?" meaning, "Doctor are you a Pandi ?". By this time, I had come to understand that 'Pandi' was an insult the Malayalees used to refer to the daily wages workers from rural Tamilnadu. 24 is a very very tough age to control your temper even for a Doctor. I retorted, "Ningalkku Vattundo ?" meaning "Are you mad ?".

Stunned, that man asked, "Why do you talk like that ? What is this ? You are insulting me". By now, I had realized I might have crossed the line. Yet, I had to defend myself. I said, "See my Malayalam might not be good enough. But I have enough knowledge about this state to understand 'Pandi' is an insult. I am here at this goddamned hour examining your wife and trying to help you people and you are out to insult me. That put the doubt in my mind".

His father in law intervened and said, "Come on Doctor, he is a young man with hot blood. You should be generous". I politely reacted to the older man, "Sir, I am at least 4 - 5 years younger to your young man and hence my blood must be hotter. Why should I suffer an insult like that ?".

The 'young man' had cooled down now and said, "I did not mean to insult you Doctor. I just asked if you were a Tamilian". I too replied with utmost cool now, "Oh, now that is much better. If you had used the same word earlier, everything would have been fine. Anyway, let us move on. And no, I am NOT a Tamilian".

There have been many a Pandemonium of different magnitudes before and since. Perhaps I can keep them for another day and another post !




Dr. Punned-it

Good Doctor and Bad Doctor: It's a Doc's Life !

Apology: This is an extremely long post because it is a true incident I was witness to. I could not have edited the dialogue simply because it was continually connected and editing out any part would have rendered the story incoherent.

We hear and read a lot about medical malpractice and the greedy behavior of Doctors and about the degeneration of the noble profession. But what do Doctors think ? I believe nobody ever has tried to find out. Doctors it seems are there to be condemned.

I would like to thank all those who would show the patience to read through the post because it deals with my profession. It says something about how do Doctors feel about people !

Me and my wife, after suffering a lousy movie through a night show, decided to compensate for that with a late night dinner. Thus we went to a nice restaurant that has been our haunt for most of our late night dinners ever since we got married. We made ourselves cozy in a corner of the dimly lit place playing old Kishore Kumar songs. We settled down ordering some hot and sour soup, masala papads, vegetable noodles and baby corn Manchurian.

As we were waiting for our food to be served, I could overhear two people conversing from our neighboring seat. As much as I tried to avoid, I couldn't escape the exchange. That was because the conversation dealt with Diagnosis, practice, malpractice, MCI, Consumer Protection and Doctors. The men turned out to be Doctors. From the entire story, I could make out one was a Physician and the second one was a Pediatrician.

The Pediatrician was the first one to talk about Medical ethics and malpractice. Let us call him the Good Doctor or simply GD. The Physician was more vocal about the plight of Doctors, Hospitals and why it was wrong about what was wrong. Let us call him the Bad Doctor or BD. Simply because he doesn't conform to the ideals a Doctor is supposed to follow in his noble profession of the healer.

They were switching between English, Malayalam and a little bit of Hindi as frequently as our Politicians switch loyalties. Let me stick to complete English narration of the whole story to avoid the hassle of translating for the Malayalam uninitiated. So here goes the dialogue...

GD: Whatever you say, we should keep the profession and practice above all corruption. What else will be the difference between Doctors and the Government workers and Politicians if  Doctors accept cuts and commissions ? The MCI has brought in stringent norms and then there is the Consumer Protection Act. The system needs a thorough revamp.

BD: MCI and norms, that is a joke. Some of those idiots are behind the bars for corruption. And who is controlling the affairs now ? The Politicians and Babus. Those shameless guys who sell the country for a song. Nothing will change  by your Gandhigiri !

GD: No, I don't agree. Someone somewhere has to make a beginning. If one Doctor starts not accepting any favor from Medical Companies or Scan Centers or Labs, this will permeate into the entire community slowly. I never encouraged it and never will.

BD: What do you think ? All Doctors are corrupt from the beginning ? Congenital corrupts ? You are wrong little brother. Most of them don't fall for these allurements so easily. The companies will come to you only if you have a decent practice. You will refuse favors from Companies initially, most of them do so too. But if you don't accept those favors, someone else will. You are the only one to lose out on it. Gradually the whole system gets corrupted. Nobody does it deliberately. Corruption is like love in Karan Johar movies. You don't do it, it just happens.

GD: That is why there is a trust deficit among patients and common man. You justify everything without being honest. How much money does one need to live ? Why should we mortgage our conscience to greed ?

BD: My dear friend, you live in a different world. Let me tell you a story. There was this Physician in a local hospital. He was a JIPMER Pondichery product. He was extremely dedicated. Every morning, he was at his hospital by 7:15 AM. Always smiling, he helped thousands of patients. Only demand he made of Medical companies was to supply costly medicines free of cost for poor patients. He never took any cuts. He never allowed the hospital management to hike his consultation fees in 15 years. And he worked till 8:30 PM every week day.

Even at odd hours, he was always available. So much so, he had practically neglected his family. And then one day, he developed Cerebral Hemorrhage. After surgery and rehabilitation, he is now just a shadow of his old self. He can't remember medicines or anything about practice. Just 8 months since, all his clients have moved over and see other Doctors. Only that family he always neglected is now taking care of him. He is income-less at 56 years of age. Now imagine you or me in that position. What will our families do ?

GD: You can't change destiny. That is unfortunate. He must have made a living. His family should look after him. You can't expect patients to take care of him. And IMA schemes are there to help people like him.

BD: My story isn't over Dear. They manage to survive, fine. But what will happen to him and his wife if they live up to 75 and beyond ? Today, he is only 57. Without income, how long can a family survive. He struggled for almost 15 years and was settling down with a house. Now both his daughters are ready for marriage. Elder one is 26 and younger one 25. What will happen to them ? I say he was foolish. Not a single soul he had helped will help him today. They have completely forgotten him and moved on. That is cruel !

GD: But that is life. Time and tide wait for none. You have to accept that.

BD: You are in such hurry. I still am coming to the point. I saw an article on a newspaper. They had written about the plight of an olden days Cinema actress who was struggling to make ends meet. Soon, some producer comes in and offers her a role in a movie. When a writer or a poet or an artist is living in difficult conditions, all the visual and print media goes to town demanding better deal for them. I know so many old Doctors who are struggling today. Have you ever seen any media person reporting the difficulties of a retired and struggling Doctor ?

Part one of our dinner was there before us. The piping hot soup and Masala papad. We began the attack in all earnest. But my ears were all ears for what was going on behind us.

GD: That is why we have IMA and they have so many schemes like the professional protection scheme and retirement schemes and all. Why should a Doctor beg in old age ?

BD: That exactly is my point. A Doctor or family should never beg. You and me too will be old some day. We don't know what is in store for us. IMA and all schemes will support you to a certain extent, not all your life. My question is, "Why is charity a one-way traffic when it comes to Doctors ?"

GD: What do you mean ? What charity ?

BD: Look, most of the Politicians amass wealth enough to support 16 generations. Their children succeed them in Politics. No qualifications necessary. The businessman's kin inherit their legacy. No qualifications demanded. If a Government employee if meets with premature death, someone from his  family will get a Government job and all the benefits associated. An Engineer starts earning by 22 or 23 and settles down well by 28. 

Whereas, we spend the longest learning life and shortest earning life. 5 and a half years graduation. 3 years post-graduation and another 3 years of specialization. Many years in between are spent in preparing for and writing Entrance examinations. By the time we are finished, we are already 32 or even older. It will require at least 10 years to build up a practice. That means you are into middle age. That is where we are today.

If you develop some problem like what happened to that poor Physician, you are doomed. Just 10 - 15 years of earning period. And what do most of the Doctors get paid ? It is peanuts compared to what the Engineers and Management people get paid. Do you know my 27 year old cousin earns more than me and I am almost 20 years older.

GD: Are you jealous of your cousin or do you hold some grouse ? Why do we have to compare ourselves to other professions ? Why can't we be happy with our life ?

BD: Well, I am not jealous, just a little bitter. I have spent years in the Intensive Care and Emergency Rooms attending calls during day and at night. I don't have a count of the number of people who have survived serious illnesses. I have done my duty to the best of my abilities and with utmost sincerity. Most of the Doctors do that.

See, people come to you with illnesses, cough, vomiting, body odor and what not. So many patients have vomited in my cabin. On some occasions,  the stinking mouths breathe out on your face and you have to take it all on your chin or even nose in the name of duty.

People spend 150 rupees a day on cigarettes. They have no qualms paying same amount for a ticket to a movie in a multiplex. At the end of the day, many people drink to the brim and never even remember how much they spent. You have a small problem with your shoe while you walk on the road. You get it repaired by a cobbler sitting by the footpath. He charges 100 rupees for a 15 minutes job. People have no complaints. But when a Doctor's consultation fees is 150 rupees, that becomes fleecing.

A chap with some management degree from a private institute earns three times of what you and I earn. There is no value for your lost sleep. Your personal time is not your time. It is your burden to help people because that is a Doctor's bounden duty. Do people ever remember the Doctor ? Far from it. They remember only when things go wrong.

Almost always, when a seriously ill patient survives, it is God's grace. But when a patient dies in spite of all our efforts and good intentions what do we get ? The relatives will blame us, sometimes beat us up and even burn down the hospital. Do you have any idea how many Doctors have suffered ? And don't forget the Consumer Protection Act. This Act has acted against the profession and also lead to the breach of trust. 

People blame Doctors for the trust deficit. But nobody blames those who framed this one-sided act. If a Doctor is blamed of corruption or malpractice, he is suspended or transferred even without a proper trial. He or she is branded corrupt and will lose all the goodwill and often a chunk of hard-earned practice. When the truth comes out and the Doctor is proved innocent, it is too late. 

Though I still love the feeling of seeing people recover and go home happy, I wouldn't want either of my children taking up this profession. You spend sleepless night for the sake of a patient on ventilator and another with a heart attack. Then come home to rest for the next night and you have a neighbor who wakes you up at 2 AM asking for a headache medicine. If you sound annoyed, be prepared to listen to pearls of wisdom on how you should be nice to people. And if you don't have the required tablet, then face a lecture on the duties of a Doctor and how you should be ready for emergencies all the time and be generous with help.

Our Dinner had arrived. The crispy noodles and the Manchurian were more than enough to compensate for the spoiled mood. By this time, even my wife had stopped talking and joined me in spying in on our neighbors. Our dinner and their banter went on.

GD: Well, I do agree with this. I too have been woken up several times by people wanting to know what to do with a crying baby. They often do everything except feeding the baby. But that is occupational hazard. A Scientist faces chemical hazards. A manual laborer will have to sweat to earn his bread. An Advocate will have tremendous stress and so do the business and banking sector people. With us, it is this. I have learned to live with this.

BD: You asked me if I was jealous. I said I was bitter. Do you know why ? It is because the people who accuse Doctors of malpractice, unethical behavior and greed are these same Laborers, Advocates, Scientists, Bankers and Businessmen. People who don't know what is an infection and what is an infarction will sit on judgement on your profession. 

A family of a patient accused me of unnecessarily ventilating their father. They said, he came with some mild Asthma and I had ventilated him to make money. Bloody that man was in heart failure and was in Cardiogenic shock. I told them to take him to whichever place they would like and gave them the ECGs, X-Rays and other reports and asked them to take a second opinion, third opinion and any number of opinions. 

They came back the same evening and wanted us to continue treatment on same lines. Once the patient was out of danger, I discharged him and asked his people to take him to a place where they don't ventilate people to make money. When they said, they had no problem, I still asked them to take him because I was hurt by the unfair allegations and would not like to be part of treating their father any further. I told them that I kept him till he was fit to be shifted only on humanitarian grounds. They didn't even apologize and were bitter that I had not understood their feelings. But who cares for what a Doctor feels ?

GD: But, you could have been more magnanimous. Their consent to continue treatment was the admittance of their guilt. Tense and grieving relatives can behave thus. You should have left it there. You were vindictive. That is not very nice.

BD: Hey Gandhiji, listen. You are fast asleep and are woken up by your resident with an emergency at 2 AM. Not only you but even your family members are woken up. You rush to hospital to see this man sinking. You promptly ventilate him, stabilize him and go home by 4:30 AM.

Next morning some smart Alec comes and tells you that it was 'MILD' Asthma and you had 'unnecessarily' put the old man on the machine. He even threatens you with a consumer case. Even as other relatives try to pull him out, he says as a parting gesture, "You will never prosper in life for this kind of unethical behavior".

I can understand relatives getting upset. But once they realized the truth, at least someone had to admit the mistake and apologize. We too are human Yaar. What is the guarantee that these people will not create further problems ? So I discharged him. I would treat only those who show trust and respect to the profession.

GD: All people are not like that. You can't generally blame people for what some of them might have done. There are so many good people out there.

BD: Exactly my Dear, exactly. There is no doubt that there are some Doctors who do unethical things. Malpractice is there without a doubt. But then that is not the rule. The Public has a tendency to brand all Doctors as greedy and business minded. They can talk anything, hurt anyone and escape Scott free. That is what I feel is unfair and unethical. 

That exactly is why I don't want my kids to be Doctors. There was a time when I was a young boy, everyone wanted to be a Doctor. Only the lucky would make it. There was so much respect. There was a GP in our town who was a decent Doctor by the present day standards. But he commanded enormous respect and none ever questioned him. All Doctors wanted their kids to be Doctors those days. But today, I know a lot of my friends don't want their kids to be Doctors. 

You don't have holidays. No off days. No earned leaves. No paid holidays. No LTC. We are the people who work longest through a day and then night. But that never gets appreciated. Even if you have an off, you are disturbed by a neighbor with some silly complaint that he has been carrying for 3 months. Just like they say "It's Dog's Life, I would say It's a Doc's Life" !

We had finished our dinner and made the payment. We had to leave. Even though the conversation was still on and still worth following up, we had to leave because my better half was showing signs of unrest. That is something I couldn't afford. So off we went at this stage. I would really have loved to share the entire conversation. But alas, all Good and Bad things have to come to an end. And this was the end ! 

Post Script: I endorse many views expressed by the BD and almost all that was spoken by the GD. That may be because I am an amalgamation of both good and bad. Most of the Doctors are like that. I hope to be more good than bad. But after listening to the 'Bad Doctor', even I had my sympathies with him. I think most of the Doctors will be able to empathize with him.

In the end, the Doctors are as human and as fallible to the vises and greed as the other fellow humans. Does a community that doesn't respect discipline, law and order and traffic rules deserve anything better ? How can the people who accept or give bribes expect Doctors to be above board ? How can a nation which elects Corrupt candidates as their representatives demand for blemish-less Doctors ? Those people who vote on caste or religious lines hold no special rights to question the integrity of Doctors, Actors or even the traitors.

Like Politicians, the People get the Doctors they deserve.

Conversely, the Doctors too get the People they deserve !

Dr. Pundit

Uncle Know All and the Red Salwar !

*

Wanted to post this earlier. But a wedding, a holiday and then the backlog had restricted me. The InSaf Test series too had bogged me down on LLL. So here I am with an anecdote from my recent holiday.

We had incessant ceremonies and a get together between 26 December to 28 December in connection with the wedding of my cousin. My wife was going through a difficult period. Travel had worsened her monthly travail. Since she was bleeding heavily and was complaining of backache, I went to a Medical Shop to buy some medicine for her; after consulting my Gynecologist Friend in Kochi.

I was waiting at the counter of a fairly busy shop. The medicine I asked was not known to the girl who was attending me. She asked her senior colleague, "Mama, do we have Tranostat-Mf?". The Uncle dismissed her, "There is no medicine like that". I hesitantly told, "It is there, but you might not be having it...". He dismissed me too, "No, no. No medicine like that".

As I was contemplating about my next move, the nice girl went to check the MIMS [Monthly Index of Medical Specialties]. She insinuated to me to wait. And I did.

At this juncture, I saw a girl in her mid twenties wearing a red salwar trying to gain space between the crowd of customers. Since I had to wait, I stepped back to let her in. She showed a piece of paper to another girl on the counter. The girl couldn't decipher what was written. So the red salwar girl called her Mom on phone and gave the name of the medicine to the girl on counter.

The counter girl went in and fetched the medicine. As she was handing over the pills to the customer, she asked the know-all Uncle, "Mama, for which illness is Olvance given ?". Uncle gave instant reply, "It is for Sugar". Now, the red salwar looked surprised. Looking at her discomfort, I politely told her, "It isn't for Sugar, but for Pressure".

This unfortunately was heard by the Mama. He came rushing towards me and asked, "What do you know about medicines ? This is a brand new Sugar medicine. Even Doctors don't know much about this. I know about all medicines. Don't mislead people".

I still remained polite and said, "I don't know about Doctors. But I know this medicine. Olvance is definitely given for Blood Pressure. Yes, it also is used in Diabetics. But it is primarily a BP pill". Uncle was boiling and he admonished me, "First you come with some stupid nonexistent name. And then you question me. Even Doctors don't question me".

A man standing next to me whispered, "Don't argue with him. He is right. He is better than  Doctors. He gives medicines that are better than the Doctors. I never see a Doctor. He is my Doctor. You better accept his words. He can't be wrong. You people get some half baked information from Internet and then create confusion".

In an alien place, I didn't want to alienate people. But how can you remain silent when nonsense is being peddled for knowledge ? So I persisted, "This isn't any half-baked Internet knowledge. I know this and I am talking truth. Olvance is Olmesartan Medoxomil. It belongs to a class called ARB and is used for Blood Pressure and related conditions".

Uncle was shouting now, "You telling truth ? Then am I a liar ? I am in this business for more than 35 years. How old are you ? You weren't even born when I started this business. Who are you ? A Chemist ? Pharmacist... ?".

I had a function to attend and also had to fetch the medicine for my wife. So I cut him short and said curtly yet politely, "See Mama, first of all, I am forty, so definitely older than your business. Two I am not a Chemist or Pharmacist. I didn't want to disclose what am I. I never think that is important, but I have been dealing with BP, Sugar and heart diseases for almost 16 years now. I am a Doctor".

And now, the red salwar who was witnessing all this exchange finally opened her mouth, "Yes, yes, my mother has only BP, she has no sugar. I was surprised when he told it is a Sugar pill. Thanks Doctor for the help". And then the red salwar was gone.

Thankfully, the counter girl who was thus-far engaged with the MIMS; had finally found out Tranostat-Mf did exist. She came and told me, "We only have Tranostat. Mf is not stocked". I decided to settle for what was available and escape.

As I made the payment and took the pills from the girl, she gave a shy smile and asked, "Where do you work ?". I replied, "Not here, Kochi". Immediately her eyes lit up and she asked, "Aha, Malayaliyaano ? Ivide engane vannu ?". Now, not many people have thus insulted me before and that is another story !






Dr. Pun-dit

Left, Right and Wrong: A Story of a Fight !

Committing a Crime is bad, but tolerating or ignoring a Crime as it is being committed is worse !
Krishna in Geeta !


After the events that lead to my previous post, I have tried my best to remain cool in most of the provocative situations. I have succeeded in many and failed partly in some. But this incident deserves a narration as a follow up to my story of my own evolution.

Thanks to unexpected illnesses and unforeseen circumstances, there is a sudden shortage of Doctors in our small Hospital. In a small institution, this means only one thing; those around will have to work overtime. So here I am, forced to slog and then write about my travails on my blog !

After a hectic nearly 36 hours schedule, I was going home on my little Santro last Thursday. The roads are so bad, some parts have only half the road. Can't really blame drivers if they behave rudely. Anyone can run out of sanity on these crater filled apologies of roads.

I was about half way to home. Through a particularly bad stretch, I was sticking to extreme left of the road because there was some semblance of tar over there. Then I saw an Auto Rickshaw appearing from the opposite side crisscrossing the potholes. And then it was there right in front of my car, both face to face.

I stopped and waited for the Auto Rickshaw driver to take his vehicle off. But he was not budging. Instead, he was honking and insinuating towards me to get going. I was surprised. I was on the extreme left, that is the right side to be, on our roads. Now, some vehicles had gathered behind me and some behind him too. There was a huge crater to my right and I was in no mood to jump into it as it was not my side.

I saw the Driver, a thirty-something chap come out and scream at me. I slid down my glass and asked him what was all the drama about. And this conversation ensued. He was talking in Malayalam and I had to respond in the same tongue. Here is a loose translation of what transpired.

He: Don't you have eyes ? Did you not see my light flashing ?

Me: Really ? But what lights ? Am I not on the correct side ? It is you who is on the wrong side.

He: There is no side. I can't take my vehicle through the gutter.

Me: Well, do you expect me to do that ? Neither am I going to do that.

He: You go whichever way you want. Right, left or up, but get lost from here.

Wow, this was a situation to explode with expletives. But my mastery over Malayalam isn't something to crow about. So I decided to act pigeon.

Me: But Brother, here I am to the extreme left of the road. Can't go any further left. There is the compound over there. Neither can I go to right because you can see a crater there. Going up is out of question, because I am not Rajnikant !

He: #@*%#&;$#@. Are you joking ? I can bash you up and throw you into the gutter.

Me: Well, that is violence. You probably are capable of that. But we live in Kochi, not Afghanistan. So you can't go Scott-free. There is Police and Law.

He: %#*&+;@~#*&+;% Police can't touch me. Will you get lost or should I smash you ?

Me: Brother, can't you be a little decent ? Have I used any bad language ? Why don't you talk with some respect ?

He: Respect, you son of a #$%&=;*, creating a block here and talking smart ?

By this time some people from either side had tried to overtake and there was a holy mess. Some people came out of their vehicles to find out what was going on.

Our man was explaining to them in loud voice how atrociously I had blocked him. So I just told a couple of people who peeped into my car, "Just look at who is on the wrong side and then you people can decide who is on the right side".

People were murmuring. Some of them asked him to move. He was not ready to budge. Some of them wanted me to sacrifice because he was too crass. "Don't you have some shame, fighting a guy like him ?" asked one of them. So finally I had to make the move.

And so I said, "See, this man is wrong from the beginning. But if my moving could help to diffuse the situation and solve this logjam, I could definitely do it. But as you people can see, I am stuck here. His language and rudeness has been beyond tolerance. I don't have any more work today. I have AC in my Car and will switch on the AC and rest right here. I can't fight him at his level. But neither am going to move from here. Let the Police come and decide how to solve this problem. I have enough access to fight a case if such a scenario occurs. I know enough Advocates who will fight my case even till the Supreme Court. But I am not going to move from here".

With this, I raised my glass, increased my AC to full blast and leaned back in my seat to listen to Jagjeet Singh. I could see the people move towards him and could see a lot of argument. He had expected to win by being foul. I had from the beginning decided not to lose my balance at any cost.

It really pays to stay cool. The crowd had become irate. I was enjoying a heavy duty verbal attack on him. One of the guys even called up Police from his mobile. This perhaps worked. Because our man immediately jumped inside his vehicle, pulled back a little and waded through the pothole on his side. He glared at me as he was going past and blurted, "I will see you #$%&@^. I will smash you one day when I get the chance".

I smiled at him and declared firmly but with a very low volume audible only to him, "You better watch out. You have declared this openly with so many people around. Now even if someone else even as much as scratches my car, YOU will be held responsible. I can assure you there will be enough people to vouch for me against you. And I will have any number of Advocates to fight my case to the logical conclusion. And I don't forget faces or number plates. Thanks for giving way and take Care !"

We both knew who won. I realized the importance of retaining the composure during situations of extreme provocation. If I were to pick up a fight with him on his own terms, he would have dictated terms. Fighting a swine is really tough. He will enjoy all the time as he keeps pulling you down and before you know you are in deep shit. I had decided not to end up in a pool of fecal matter. So I stayed out and actually enjoyed.

Managing to remain calm and not getting into a free for all brawl made me feel good. But what made me feel better is the fact that I did not allow the scumbag to escape with such deplorable behavior. I don't really know how I could have reacted in a similar situation if I had to rush for an emergency. I managed to come out better because I was not in a hurry. Hope I'll be able to retain my equanimity even when I am running against a deadline.

The best thing about the whole episode was that I had real fun through all this simply because I was determined to win without shouting or ranting. Victories taste sweetest, when the fights are won without violence !





Dr. Pun-dit

Tension in Life; A Perspective of a Doctor who is Human First !

Do you Smoke ?

This is the commonest question we Doctors ask our patients during the routine history. Working in the ICCU for nearly a decade and a half and dealing with Heart Patients almost all the time, this has become a stock question for me. So much so, I have had great difficulty while I "Interrogate" the ladies; especially elderly ones ! Imagine a much younger man asking a seventy year old lady "Do you smoke ?"

If the man says an emphatic "No", he is mostly right. But if he sounds a bit sheepish, then the next line will be, "Never tell lies to your Doctor and to your Lawyer". That is a Malayalam saying. The truth is both Doctors and Lawyers mostly deal with differing magnitudes of falsehoods.

Usually this one works and then he'll say "Err... sometimes / occasionally / once in a while". So I ask, "How while is once in a while ?" Our job becomes easy from here. We can blame smoking for all his problems. From a lung problem to a stroke to a heart attack to a common cold to a lack of libido, you can blame all of them on the cigarette.

To those who have never smoked all life; we can say, "Well, that makes both your and my jobs easy. You have a better chance of doing well compared to a smoker !"

Now moving to the smokers; there are those occasional smokes, the frequent smokers, those who smoke only outside the house and then the chronic smokers. The addicted smokers are more difficult to deal than the alcohol addicts. They think smoking is a lesser evil and even consider it as a stress buster.

There are many jokes about smoking and smokers. The famous one was by George Bernard Shaw about the Cigarette having 'Fire' at one end and a 'Fool' at the rear end ! But smokers counter this by saying; The Greatest King ever was, is and will be SmoKing !

I personally know some people who consider smoking dearer to them than even the family, well only sometimes. A close friend who also happens to be a relative has a real problem. He has tried, or shall I say people have tried a million things to help him quit smoking. But he still can't stay off that lousy stuff for more than half an hour !

We all know smoking starts as curiosity for a little fellow, becomes a statement of style for a youth, a pastime initially for a working man, then a habit forming stress buster for the middle-aged and finally an addiction for a lifetime !

But at anytime in life, when a Doctor counters a smoker with the question, "Why do you smoke ?"; there is almost a uniform and stock answer, TENSION ! "What tension ?" has always been my next question. The answers have varied from being arrogant to absolutely dumb to plain obnoxious !

Here are some of the answers...

My work involves huge tension because I am in charge of an entire section in a Super-Market !

I am a Software Engineer and we have very stiff targets to meet. You can never understand the stress !

I am a head load worker. It is a tough job. We have a lot of worries and tensions. It is difficult to manage.

I am in the Insurance Sector. There is cut-throat competition. We need to be alert all the times. Smoking helps to relieve tension. And I don't smoke all that much, may be 10 - 12 cigarettes a day !

I am a Script-writer for TV Serials. My creativity depends on smoking. Output suffers when I don't get my Gold flake Kings. You can't imagine the tension we undergo during shooting !

I am an Advocate. There can't be any other profession with as much stress. The tension I have to face before a live hearing in the court can't be described. I calm down after a fag and am confident to go before the Judge.

I am a businessman. There are thousand tensions in business. Everyday we have to look into so many issues and when you settle all those, you have new problems waiting for you. How can we relax if we don't smoke ?

So much of tension I must say ! And then some of the ridiculous answers...

My wife is not good in the bed and I can't even enjoy life. All tension. What else is there for enjoyment ?

My mother and wife keep on fighting all the time. There is no peace of mind. So much tension !

I suspect my wife is having an affair with a man in her office. I can't do anything because she doesn't care. I am not that kind of a guy who beats up the wife. So much tension you see !

My daughter is of marriage age but we are not able to find a groom and so much tension ! For this one I asked, how old is your daughter and how long have you been smoking ? He admitted, she is 24 and I am smoking since about 35 years but it has increased now due to unbearable tension ! Aha...!

After going through all these answers, the reader must have realized one thing. We don't know if "God" exists, but if there is something "Omnipresent" it has to be TENSION !

My story doesn't end here. I ask all these people the following question, "By chance, if something goes wrong at your workplace or at home, does someone die ? Has anyone lost a life if you make a mistake ?"

The answers have mostly been... "Well, nobody dies, but why do you ask?"

I just tell them: "I am working in this ICCU. I deal with heart patients and Heart Attacks every single day of my life. If I commit a mistake or mostly even if I don't, People will DIE. Have you ever shoved in a tube into the throat of a man and injected medicines directly into his heart and thumped on his chest and given shock to him ? How often have you seen a person who was talking to you just a few minutes ago suddenly collapse and end up as a dead body ? How will you take it if you have to tell a 70 year old widow that her 45 year old son has just died of a heart attack ?... And you say YOU have Tensions ?"

What is your take ?