2012 to 1975: Back to the Future !

A Declaration of State of Emergency !

Friends, Indians and Countrymen,

Let me take this opportunity to welcome you all to the new India, the India of our dreams; the dreams of my family and my party. It is my privilege as well as my right to do this honor. My beloved mother-in-law did this 37 years ago and today, I stand before the country at this momentous moment to make this declaration.

It is with utmost sincerity, honesty, humility and integrity that the Government of India has decided to clamp a state of emergency with immediate effect. People have the rights to ask the reasons. But since the emergency has already been clamped, the rights have been suspended with retrospective effect and hence, no questions will be entertained. Our esteemed friend, the Chief Minister of West Bengal Mamta Bannerjee will enlighten people on this. People interested can ask her the "Questions" !

Even though the Government or I myself are not bound to give any reasons for this act, I am magnanimously volunteering to put the facts before the people. The situation demanded that the country be brought under strict laws to avoid further deterioration in law and order. Here I am enumerating some of the reasons for this drastic yet absolutely necessary measure.

1] Corruption: The BJP government of Karnataka had become so corrupt, it had crossed all limits of decency and we had no other choice but enforce emergency. Mr. H. R. Bharadhwaj will vouch for this.

2] Communal violence: Large scale communal violence has taken place in Assam due to continued presence of Narendra Modi, the Merchant of Death as Chief Minister of Gujarat. If he is not removed from public life, the minority communities will never be able to live in peace.

3] Social Nuisance Sites: Twitter, Facebook and such sites have caused enormous damage to the credibility of the Government and thus the country and thus my family. Keeping in mind the dignity of my family, these sites need to be curtailed. Henceforth, all sites will be monitored from the office of Mr. Kapil Sibal and all posts will be allowed or disallowed only after passing through security check.

4] Text Messages: Have caused large scale violence and they are extensively used to ridicule Mr. Manmohan Singh, our government and my family. This is not acceptable in a civil society. We need to teach civility to this country and hence there will be a clamp on SMS packs. Now a person can send 1 SMS per month from one phone after taking permission from Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde the Home Minister.

5] Black money: So called activists have created bad name to the country by talking too much about black money. Our Government is determined to bring back all the black money stashed in Swiss banks but this process will take time. We need more proof and concrete proof. As soon as we get enough proof, we'll proceed with next level of action and will form a 15 member committee to probe the matter further. The committee will be given 15 years term to report to the Prime Minister with it's findings.

6] Price rise: Failed monsoon, drought like situation, spiraling crude oil prices and communal policies of Narendra Modi are responsible for the price rise. The people of India need to tighten their belts, practice frugal living like my son Rahul Gandhi does and then defeat the nefarious designs of our opponents.

7] Terrorism: My son and future Prime Minister of India Rahul Gandhi has said this before that the greatest threat to India is not the Pakistan sponsored terror but the saffron terror of the RSS and BJP pariwar. Hence all these entities will be banned and people with remotest allegiance to these organizations will be put behind the bars. Once this is done, minorities in India and Pakistan and the world over will feel secure and all terror will cease to haunt India.

There are hundreds of reasons to enforce emergency. Even though we don't have to explain, we have tried to take the people of India into confidence. The emergency will be in effect for next 12 months and can be extended beyond depending upon situations prevailing.

I hope the people of India will volunteer to abide by the emergency in the best of the interest of the country. We might not be able to generate enough space in our jails after putting all dissenters behind the bars. If need be, we'll release old insignificant convicts like Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab so that more and more communal and anti-national people can be jailed.

Hoping for the prosperity and progress of my party, my family and my government which alone will ensure progress and prosperity of the country.

Sincerely.


Sonia Gandhi




Dr. Punned-it

How "Har Haath Me Mobile" Scheme was born ?

A high level meeting in the Capital city of India in the first week of August 2012. Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi, Priyanka Gandhi, Robert Gandhi nee Vadra, Manmohan Singh, Chidambaram, Sharad Pawar, Mamta Banerjee, Digvijay Singh, Sushil Kumar Shinde and some more people have gathered in the plush air-conditioned hall. 

The subject: How to conquer 2014 and capture Power ? Here are the excerpts of the meeting. Since it was a long meeting, we bring you only the highlights.

Sonia Gandhi: We all know how my family has sacrificed for the sake of this country and how we continue to sacrifice for the people of this country. So we expect the "Aam aadmi" to understand what we are doing for them and then elect us again without having to be at the mercy of the left alliance. We want to continue with our sacrifices for the country.

A Meeting for the Aam Aadmi

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Yes Madam, we all know the importance of your family. Earlier it was India is Indira and Indira is India. Today it is Sonia is Sonia and Sonia is Sonia. That is why I am ready to kill if you order.

Robert Gandhi: We need people like you Shinde uncle. There are a lot of people who are talking badly about me, my family and my hard earned billions. They definitely need to be killed.

Chidambaram: But Robert Sirji, we can't afford to kill people now. We might lose votes. We are here to consolidate our vote banks.

Priyanka Gandhi: Robert, shut up for now. This is NOT about your family but MY family. Almost all of your family are either dead or have committed suicide. Understand ?

Rahul Gandhi: Like my sister's two families, there are two kind of families in India. Those who can afford to give me food in their huts and those who can't afford to feed me even one meal. We definitely need to do something about it but I don't know what it is.

What a shame, These people can't even feed Rahul Gandhi !

Sharad Pawar: We can solve that easily. We can hold IPL twice every year and with the revenue, we can sanction allowances to Rahul to carry his own food wherever he goes. It is dangerous to eat from those huts. We all know all their food is adulterated. So you better carry your own food and eat safely.

Mamta Banerjee: There are women who have to get down into deep wells and fetch water. The drought like situation has made life miserable for people. Vegetable prices are soaring and "Aam Aadmi" is struggling to make ends meet.

Water-less World !

Sharad Pawar: That is not such a big problem. We'll hold another India - Sri Lanka 7 match ODI series. We can utilize the money to import drinking water for the people. They can also drink the finely brewed wine from my vineyards.

Rahul Gandhi: We must have a reservation for minorities in the drinking water. We'll reserve 18% of the drinking water for minorities and nobody should be allowed to drink water during fasting hours of Ramzan.

Mamta Banerjee: But we don't have any water now to reserve...

Digvijay Singh: Water is there or not is not the question now. Since Rahul Baba has told, we MUST reserve 18% water for minorities. Rahul Baba MUST take lead role in the government.

Kapil Sibal: We also had this power problem...

Sharad Pawar: [Thumping the table] What was that ? I just wanted to be No. 2 in the government. You can't call that a problem. It is my birth right !

Chidambaram: Oh, Pawar-ji it was about power, I mean the northern grid failure and not about you. People demanded someone must be held accountable for the power failure.

Sonia Gandhi: Yes, I definitely said someone must be held responsible for that. People will ask questions. So I told Manmohan-ji to send the Power Minister to Home. He misunderstood and sent him to Home Ministry.

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Don't be so cruel Madam. I am a loyal soldier and servant of your family. I am at home in Home ministry. Maine aap ka namak khaaya hai !

Sonia Gandhi: [Whispers to Shinde]: I know Shinde-ji. That is why I did this. I just wanted MMS to be blamed if people ask questions !

Mamta Banerjee: We have been talking so long and so many things. But we haven't arrived at a consensus as to how will we capture 2014. How will we manage to face the "Aam Aadmi" during elections ?

Manmohan Singh [Opening his mouth for the first time]: May I say something Madam ?

Sonia Gandhi nods and says: Well, what is it ? We have no time. Robert has to go to gym and Priyanka has to go to the beauty parlor. And poor Rahul needs to catch up with his girlfriend. So tell it quickly...

Manmohan Singh: I have been Prime Minister for over 8 years now. But I have never known what is power. I have never even managed to open my mouth, leave alone talking. People keep ridiculing me about this. You all must realize how empowered I feel right now, when I am allowed to talk by Madam. So I think the only way to make people feel we have empowered them is by allowing them to talk. Instead of talking about our governance and policies, let them talk over the mobile phones instead. This will keep them busy sending missed calls between themselves. So how about giving mobile phones to the people below the poverty line ?

Everyone agreed in a chorus about this landmark and revolutionary idea. This is how the "Rajiv Gandhi Har Haath Me Mobile" scheme worth Rs. 7000 Crores was born. 






Dr. Punned-it

Moun Mohan Singh and some Political Blasphemy !

 Finding no concrete substance to blog about, I had concentrated on micro-blogging on Facebook. Then it struck me, I can as well compile those 'photos' on the Blog for keeping things in one place apart from my page "Live, Love & Laugh" on Facebook.

So here is the new experimental post with a compilation of some of my posts on our Prime Minister. Some people found it obnoxious, below the belt and crude. But some people found it funny. Anyway, without any malice towards the elderly statesman, I bring my posts on our Prime Minister here.

This is about modern day Gandhi'ji's monkeys. This evoked some strong reactions !

This one is about 2 Sardar-jis and then the women who control them !

This was a cute photoshopped one I borrowed from the www and added English words where the original work had Marathi words.

This was about the Italian tourists capture, inspired by an SMS.

Needs no description !

After the Petrol price hike !

Dr. Punned-it

Hiroshima, US and Us !

Yesterday was real hectic and I missed a lot of action and news. I just got to take a look at this piece. Managed to go into it in detail today and here are my thoughts. How the Japanese have managed to rebuild from such devastation is a marvel to keep marveling all life.

The Atomic Bomb Dome in Hiroshima

What will happen if Pakistan were to Nuke "Mumbai" and "Bengaluru" tomorrow ? Well, it is not quite there on the cards yet. But you can never be sure with Pakistan. So what will be the overall reaction ?

The Headlines

Pakistan BOMBards Mumbai and BANGalore

Millions Dead and a Nation Stunned !

And the Reactions

USA: This is a devastating. A total breach of international treaties. All our sympathies and help are with the people of India. We know India is a great democracy and they will rebuild. But a word of caution, "India must exercise extreme restraint and distance itself from retaliatory measures to avoid escalating the situation"

Next day: USA sanctions another 3.5 million dollars military grant to Pakistan

China: We condemn strongly, the act by Pakistan. This was completely avoidable and unfortunate. China will stand by Indian efforts towards rehabilitation. We have already rushed aide to India. But India should show the sagacity to desist from revenge. The world peace is at stake and hence India should solve all outstanding issues with Pakistan across the table and not on the war field.

Next day: Pakistan to receive 100 super submarines and more advanced radar technology.

United Nations: A dastardly and cowardly act by Pakistan. UN strongly condemns this and warns Pakistan of grave consequences. At the same time, we mourn deeply for all the innocent lives lost in India. India have time and again shown great Statesmanship in the face of serious adversity. The world community expects same from India once again. War is not the solution for bilateral problems.

Next day: UN Secretary General goes on a 3 week holiday to unknown destination.

Pakistan: We had strong intelligence reports of India's plans to attack Pakistan and we had no choice but to strike before they could harm Pakistan. We can't wait for India to undermine  the people and the sovereignty of Pakistan. We are capable of further strikes and will not hesitate if the need arises. But we believe India will learn from this and behave in future. The world community has a responsibility to restrain India from any misadventure. If they fail to do so, World War might erupt leading to large scale destruction.

India

The Government Spokesperson: This is a horrendous, dastardly, cowardly and unfortunate act by Pakistan. We are still assessing the extent of damage. All lines have been crossed and war looms large. We will show what we are capable of.

BJP: UPA Government's soft policy is responsible for the attack. We need a Government that is capable of hitting back. We have to cut all ties with Pakistan and an all out war is the only solution.

Bal Thakre: Sonia Gandhi is responsible for this. It is because she is Italian, Pakistan was emboldened to attack India. We will teach them a lesson. We will find out each and every Pakistani and Bangladeshi from Mumbai and throw them out.

RSS: This vindicates our stand that talking to Pakistan is futile. Incompetent and unpatriotic Congress has always pandered to minority appeasement. Forming a strong and dedicated Hindu Rashtra is the only solution for all our problems. We also demand immediate execution of Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab.

Mayavati: It is an unfortunate day. We could have prevented such an attack if a strong leader like me were to be the Prime Minister of India. We will build a grand memorial for all the Dalits and minority people killed in the Nuclear attacks.

Digvijay Singh: It is deplorable that there were large scale Bomb attacks in Mumbai and South India. We are still gathering information. But we can't rule out the role of 'Right wing Hindu Extremist Outfits like RSS and assoiates". We will soon catch the culprits and exemplary punishment will be meted out.

Rahul Gandhi: Real threat for India is not in these bombs. The right wing Hindu terror is the real danger for the country. We have to curb them and there will be no terror attacks.

Sonia Gandhi: This happened while I was away in USA with my mysterious illness and surgery. This is an act of cowardice and an act of terror. A fitting reply will be given by India. India's spirit can't be broken. India will raise from the ashes and will show the world what we are. The India of the dreams of Indiraji and Rajivji will shine again.

Mulayam Singh Yadav: Pakistan has attacked India because they are deprived. India is bigger and richer. We have to forgive them like a big brother and give them 5000 Crores to rebuild Pakistan.

Manmohan Singh: I have no words to describe and hence I will not talk !

After the dust settles

Mumbai and Bangalore rehabilitation to begin in right earnest. India will not compromise on the lives of people.

2015

Large scale scam in Mumbai and Bangalore rehabilitation process. An estimated Rs. 1,38,43,365 Crore swindled. The Government not keen to share the details.

Kapil Sibal: All this is bogus. The media has no job but to create a scam where none exists. There is no scam at all. We can prove the loss to the ex-checker to be 'Zero' !

Headlines: India - Pakistan to hold fresh round of talks on all outstanding issues including Kashmir. The sensitive issue of Mumbai - Bangalore Bombing to be kept out of the talks.

Right Wing Hindu Outfits: This is a sign of weakness. We are talking to an enemy who has bombed our motherland. Stop talks and immediately hang Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab.

Jai Ho !

Dr. Punned-it