The Divine Idlee !

From childhood to teenage to middle age, my likes and tastes have changed a lot over the years. I was a diehard Vishnuvardhan and Amitabh Bachchan fan during childhood. I believed nobody could ever be better than these two. Stepping into teenage, Kamal Haasan was my favorite. As for Cricket, Kapil Dev had replaced Gavaskar and Boris Becker became the greatest sportsperson in the world in 1985.

A few years later in the medical college, I came to realize Stephen Edberg and Andre Agassi were better all court players than Becker and Chiranjeevi danced better than Kamal. Nagarjuna was better looking than any hero in India by then. My favorite heroines too changed from Sridevi to Madhuri to Manisha Koirala to Aishwariya to Deepika.

Moving to present, my all-time favorite actor is Mohanlal, who I believe is the finest actor this country has seen to date. My favorite Cricketers changed from Azar to Dravid and Kumble to Rahane. I am today, a Roger Federer fan on the verge of changing loyalties to Rafa.

With such paradigm shifts in tastes, I might be considered a fickle and untrustworthy person with no sense of loyalty. But no, I can prove that I am a stable and sensible guy. In all these 45 years, at least one of my tastes and loves has never changed. That is my god and my love, The Idlee !

Being the atheist that I am, I have but one god to believe in. That is Idlee. The delicious, melting in mouth, omnipresent, omnipotent and wholesome Idlee. I am not a bigot or fundamentalist. But I don’t respect people who don’t respect Idlee. I consider them racist and misogynist and anti-human. I don’t even find it necessary to explain why I think so.

From the small home-run mess on the borders of Agumbe forest to Fun mall in Chennai, from my maternal uncle’s small hotel in Karkala to Annapoorna in Coimbatore, from the Damodar temple canteen in Jambawali in Goa to the Nizam’s Institute of Medical Sciences canteen in Hyderabad; wherever I have gone, it is Idlee that has nourished me, sustained me and enriched me.

Idlee is one of the more balanced foods in the world. This is not me talking, but a scientific fact. It has rice for carbohydrates, ured for proteins and very little fat. Add the Sambar and Chutney and we have the necessary fats and vegetables. What more do we want ? Weekday or weekend, summer or winter or monsoon, for me, any day is Idlee-day.

Idlee also is the most enriching food that makes intelligent people. Look at Mokshagundam Vishveshwarayya, Sir C. V. Raman, Sreenivas Ramanujam and a host of intellectual giants are Idlee eaters from childhood. Karnataka alone has the largest number of Jnaanapeeth award winners. What is the secret behind so much of Jnaan or wisdom ? Idlee, what else ?

We just have to look at Rahul Gandhi to understand what all Pizzas and burgers and no Idlee does to a man. The only time he talked sense was when he visited Chennai and had Idlee for breakfast.

Those who don’t believe me should try this and then talk. The famed filter coffee that the South Indians love, tastes a hundred times better when we sip it to wash down the melting hot Idlee-sambar down our esophagus.

I can never get tired of Idlees. Though I voraciously loved Idlee, I never took part in any Idlee eating competitions. These Idlee eating competitions are utter nonsense and a huge insult to Idlee. Idlee can’t be swallowed merely to win a silly trophy and a measly cash award. Idlee is savored, chewed down with utmost care and affection and is generally revered.

On a particularly lovely evening during my teenage, I had polished off about 28 to 30 Idlees at one go, while enjoying my favorite book of Late Kota Shivarama Karanth, one of the three quarter dozen Jnaanpeetha award winners from Karnataka. Well, Karanth and Idlee was a deadly combination. Add the torrential rains of South Karnataka, it was heaven and that is why Idlee is divine.

But Idlee is also an extremely delicate entity. One needs to indulge in preparing it if we have to indulge in savoring  it. Those with lesser culinary skills or no love for Idlee can butcher the entity called Idlee. Almost all of Kerala has no love for Idlee. I can understand lack of love, but hate ? Yes, many people hate Idlee and that is why Vivekananda rightly called Kerala a lunatic asylum. He knew that those that don’t love Idlee can’t be any good.

Idlee becomes thicker, harder and sour in Kerala and they call it Iddali. The additional D makes it hard to cut, bite or digest. I don’t know the reason but even the Udupi hotels in Kerala serve Iddali and not Idlee. The Malayalee’s love for extra-spicy food has made them turn the wonderful, non-spicy, mild and non-violent Idlee into Chilly Iddali, a monstrosity that can only be pitied but not emptied from the plate.

During 2 weeks long tour of North India in 1999, I really starved for Idlee. Finally found a South Indian hotel in Manali and ordered for my beloved breakfast. When the waiter served the Idlee, one of them fell down on the floor unfortunately. But fortunately it jumped up with the same speed and sat back in the plate. It looked and jumped around like a small white Rugby ball and perhaps tasted like one too. Never dared to bite a Rugby ball because I have not much ball-biting qualities a la Shahid Afridi.

Coming back to Kerala Iddalis, there are some immensely believable stories about why Tippu Sultan could not conquer Kerala below Malappuram. It is believed Tippu was moving southwards towards Trichur. The locals realized they could not fight against the vastly superior force of Tippu. But not wishing to surrender with ease, they devised a plan. Thousands of Idlees were prepared in the households and the palace and as the army of Tippu arrived, the people attacked them with the Kerala Iddalis. Like the proverbial Boomerang, the Iddalis managed to wreak havoc in Tippu’s troupes. The people were able to re-use the Iddlis because after hitting the targets, they returned to their owners.

Thus the Trichur people defeated the mighty army of Tippu with a few thousand Iddalis. This story has not been included in the history books by our secular historians who wanted to portray Tippu as a brave warrior. The fact is his army was defeated by the famous Iddali-astra of Trichur. Those who suffered serious head injuries from the Iddali-astra went back to Karnataka and their generations down the line became politicians there.

Idlee prepared without devotion and love can be blasphemy. I have respected the Kerala Iddali all these years because it was once used as a weapon to defeat an invader. But this afternoon, the blasphemy called Iddali died a death when I ordered for it in our canteen.

What landed before me in a plate were two shining white globules with a bowl of sambar and a smaller bowl of chutney. As is my habit, I asked for two spoons. My first poke in to the Iddali and the spoon came back, bent at the neck. I thought the spoon was at fault  and asked for a replacement. The second spoon, then a knife and then a hack-saw and finally a showel; all of them came unstuck and both the Iddalis remained unconquered like Rahul Dravid and VVS Laxman in the famous Chennai test in 2001. The canteen people had not foreseen such an eventuality. Their sincere efforts to help me ended up becoming all of us helpless.

Finally I asked them, “How on earth did you people manage to prepare such crash-proof Iddali ?”. They confessed the Iddali was prepared using the Vellai-Appam batter from the previous day. Wow, now I understood why those globules were shining ! Anyway, calling them Iddali too was a shame. I suggested they rename it Iddali-Appam. They agreed because they didn’t have much of a choice. A Malayalam movie in the past had coined a name Doddali because the Dosa looked like a huge Iddali. But this was altogether a new entity and thus I now have the distinction of naming a new dish, the Iddali-Appam.

But after being party to such a crushing insult to my god, I definitely need to go on a pilgrimage.  Hence I have decided to visit different parts of Karnataka and Tamilnadu to do penance and reclaim the sanctity of my religion, the Idleeism !

Dr. Punned-it

Didi's Revolution: Questionless Utopia in Bengal !

After banning cartoons and arresting a cartoonist, asking questions too has become an offense in West Bengal now. Anyone who raises a question can be arrested and can be branded Maoist and put behind the bars. The 'Unquestionable' Supremo of Bengal, Didi has shown "Red Card" to Questions !

People are outraged and many outside the state are protesting. So what are the consequences ? After what happened in Mamta Banerjee's fiefdom West Bengal on 8 August 2012, the kids of Bengal are the happiest lot. How and Why ? Read on...

Didi's next steps ought to be...

1] Ban Mahabharat:  There is a nosy "Yaksha" asking too many questions to Yudhistira in this book. That is not acceptable. So this epic must be banned or the chapter "Yaksha Prashna" must be censored out. The Ministry of Home affairs has sent a notice to the author Veda Vyasa to act immediately on this matter of face the music.

2] Ban on Interviews: There will be no interviews in any schools, offices, campus selections and on news channels. They involve asking questions and this sinister activity can't be allowed to happen in Didi's land.

3] Ban on KBC and all it's versions: Bachchan's "Kaun Banega Crorepati" will not be aired in West Bengal because Big B is always asking questions and that is not acceptable. All vernacular versions and other reality shows involving the questionable act of asking questions stand banned indefinitely.

4] No Question Hour: There henceforth will be no "Question Hour" in the West Bengal assembly. That hour will be devoted to finding out who all are Maoists and thus anti-people.

5] Ban on appealing: Bowlers henceforth can't appeal for the wicket of a batsman in Cricket matches to be played in Bengal, especially Eden Gardens. The Third Umpire referral too stands banned. The Umpire can at his own discretion, declare a batsman out. But Billy Bowden will not be allowed to Umpire in Bengal because when he raises the crooked finger, it looks like a "Question Mark" and that is blasphemous.

Question Mark over Bowden's Action !

6] Court Proceedings to change: No questions will be allowed in Courts in Bengal. Both side lawyers can present their facts before the judge and then the witnesses will be allowed to depose before the court what they know. But questions will not be entertained.

7] '?' Button to be removed: All keyboards in Bengal will have the '?' button removed. An alternative has to be arranged for the '/' button and the matter is under discussion.

But why should kids be happy with all this ? Sorry for the question, but I am writing this sitting safely in God's Own Country. So here is the answer...

8] Say NO to Exams: There will be no more examinations in Bengal. Exams involve questions and question papers. Since that is unlawful, the state education board has suspended exams with immediate effect. Henceforth children will have to just go and sign on the registry. They will be handed over "Answer Papers".  All they have to do is to write "I am not a Maoist" on the answer paper and sign it or leave thumb imprint on the paper.

They can write whatever they want as long as they don't ask questions. The results of the exams will be decided by the level of Maoism in the writings. Lower the level of Maoism, higher the grades. Any kid whose writing betrays more than 30% Maoism will automatically fail.

Thus West Bengal will become the first place in the world where there will be no "Questions" but only answers. What a wonderful state for the kids, am I right or am I right ?

Oops, sorry for the question !





Dr. Punned-it

Hussain and Who's sane not ?

A text message from a friend alerted me last week, "Mother F---er Hussain finally and completely dead". This was not from any RSS right wing Hindu extremist, but just a simple Hindu with many Muslim and Christian friends.

The obituaries that followed his death were 'banal' to put it mildly. All these years, somehow everyone from the Vir Sanghvis to all and sundries were out to defend Hussain's right for freedom of expression and the right to offend. It was almost becoming a secular ritual. Someone said, "Hussian's last wish was to come back to India". Another gentleman wrote, "A Humanist rooted in Indian-ness". Wow !

I am a human being in continued evolution. My strongest belief is, "This world will be a better place without religions". I have over the years, dissociated myself from the ritualistic and superstitious aspects of life. But I have done this gradually so as not to hurt and demoralize my parents and family. It isn't quite easy changing sensibilities ingrained over generations however senseless they might appear to us.

But what is easier is to cultivate better and more updated sensibilities in the coming generations. I have consciously helped my daughter to develop a scientific temper without becoming a prisoner of false beliefs and prejudices that had shackled her father.

Going against the wishes of others at home, I told her, "I wouldn't mind if you don't go to temple and pray because I am sure that doesn't really matter. But I would like you to grow up as a person who respects fellow humans and strives to be a good human being and nothing more".

My friend Ganesh Veluswami keeps quoting, "Blasphemy is a victimless crime". There is a catch in this statement. A Crime without a victim ? Then how does it become a crime ? Either Blasphemy is not a crime or there has to be a victim. Let me deal with that later.

Let us come back to Maqbool Fida Hussain. He is being lamented in the artistic circles and even in political circles. This isn't the first time someone is writing about Hussain. Neither is this the last post on him. Let us just look at some of his controversial pictures.

Nude Sita clinging to Hanuman's tail !

Nude Saraswathi with Veena

A Nude Bharat Mata

Now this has to be immensely insensitive for anyone to ignore. Every Hindu icon painted nude and totally out of concept. Being a Muslim, Hussain was not supposed to revere any God other than Allah. According to Islamic tenets, Bharat Mata doesn't exist. So if he conceived her, why she had to be nude ? It especially is enraging because he had painted his mother, his own daughter, mother Theresa and Prophet Mohammed's daughter; all fully clothed. This nude paintings 'business' was reserved exclusively for Hindu icons.

Why did he do so ? Hussain was a very shrewd manipulator. He knew anything remotely blasphemous about Islam would get him bumped off or his hands chopped off at the least. He also knew anything derogatory about Christianity would set all our bleeding heart secularists after him.

Hence he only had to do what he did all his life. Denude and keep denuding Hindu icons. But why ? Very simple, it will polarize the society between the conservatives, who would naturally be hurt and the bleeding heart secularists who would do anything to defend the fundamental rights of an artist.

Being a person of Minority religion was a huge advantage, though he and his supporters portrayed it as a disadvantage. He went on doing the same thing again and again, earning the wrath of the RSS and the other Hindu organizations [The extremist Hindu outfits, according to our secular brigade].

At worst these groups are capable of attacking his exhibitions and filing cases against him in different courts. By nature, these people weren't capable of any major harm unless it was something like Godhra. This exactly was his strength. He exhibited and sold more and more paintings thanks to all the din created by the right wing outfits and the free publicity he gained. When the number of cases filed against him became tough to handle, he escaped to Qatar and made it appear he was hounded out by the Hindus.

A man who pulled his movie 'Meenaxi' out of Cinema halls because the Ulema council didn't like certain lines from the movie, never once repented hurting the sentiments of millions of Hindu middle class. That middle class of which my mother too is a part of.

My mother dislikes politics, fights and action movies. She still loves Rajendra Kumar and Joy Mukherjee movies. She is religious with firm belief in Gods and Krishna is the ultimate God for her. She wouldn't let us kill cockroaches and frogs if they stray into our home. She would make us remove them from our premises without hurting them.

When I told her that M. F. Hussain is no more, that mother of mine said, "Well, at last he is dead. Let him go to hell and paint all the devils in the nude and let them roast him in olive oil".

The Argument: Art is not for common man, some intellectual had told. Then why do you hold exhibitions at all ? If what you do hurts someone, that is not right. And if you think that you have the right to offend others, you immediately become victim of the same right. Others too will have their right to offend you. Whole of my argument rests on this issue.

It makes no difference if you believe in Gods or not. It isn't important if you are religious or irreverent. But when your actions actively or passively hurt the sensibilities of others, you have committed a sin. Those who defend the right to offend will have to be ready to be offended.

If Bajrang Dal, VHP and RSS were violent in their protests and offended Hussain and his supporters, it was just a reaction. Even after taking Politics and religious fundamentalism into account, I still believe it just was tit for tat and nothing more than that.

Well, why do I believe so ? Let me give an example. Just imagine this situation. Someone paints Hussain's mother in the nude; or even worse, creates a morphed sex tape of his daughter. What would happen ? That would hurt Hussain and his family. He would have sued for defamation and even got those banned.

At least he would have gone to press and visual media condemning these offensive acts. All his supporters would have brought the www to a standstill. Candle light marches would have been held in support of Hussain and against the outrage to the modesty of women.

Let me refer to another incident. Some time back, an email showing some photographs of a palatial bungalow was circulated on the internet. It stated the mansion belonged to CPI-M Politburo member Comrade Pinarayi Vijayan. So what was the reaction ? The Cyber cell tracked down some hapless guy and booked him under so many sections, he will spend rest of his life fighting those cases.

Pinarayi comes from a party that has espoused the cause of freedom of expression and the right of minorities and all that. So how did this benign act become such a hugely punishable crime ? The same bleeding heart secularists condemn RSS of hounding out Hussain. Pinarayi could just have given a statement that the building shown in the email didn't belong to him and provide authentic proof. The matter would have been closed.

Then why did this high-handed atrocity take place ? If an innocuous forwarded email could get a semi-literate netizen in neck-deep trouble, what would a series of nude and hurting paintings do to an artist ? Well, to offend and to paint and to express is his right. Why this dichotomy ?


The inference: Sentiment is a right of Minorities, Secularists and Communists. Anyone claiming to be a Hindu automatically denounces this right in this secular country. If you claim to be a Hindu and still want to own the rights to protect your sentiments, then you are 'Right Wing Extremist' !

Argument continued: But there is a problem. My mother is a middle class Hindu lady as I have said before. She doesn't have great concepts about secularism or any ism for that matter. She still is very fond of her childhood friend Shana and still keeps talking about those wonderful years they spent together. She is an Aamir Khan fan. She is crazy about Cricket and loves Zaheer Khan as much as she loves Sehwag. She would pray to Guruvayoorappan to help Yusuf Pathan to succeed. With all these qualities, she can't be 'Right wing Hindu Extremist', right ?

There are millions of middle class women and men in this country and abroad who felt outraged by Hussain's paintings. People still defend him saying Hindu mythology has so many paintings and carvings and sculptures depicting nudity. But none of them were so out of context as a 'Nude Sita clinging onto Hanuman's tail'. If that shouldn't offend a religious Hindu, then nothing should offend Comrade Vijayan.

Blasphemy is a crime and my mother is a victim. So many more mothers are victims too. Any act of offense against the emotions or sentiments of a person or a group of persons amounts to violence. Violence can be physical or psychological, but it is violence nevertheless.

Those who perpetrate violence of any kind against the unsuspecting others, will have to be prepared to face the consequential retaliatory violence. Because, you are being beaten using your own stick.

The Sticks: The right to offend or Freedom of expression !
Old world wisdom: "Violence begets Violence" !
Maqbool Fida Hussain finally rest in peace, hopefully !

I rest my case !




Dr. Pundit