Didi's Revolution: Questionless Utopia in Bengal !

After banning cartoons and arresting a cartoonist, asking questions too has become an offense in West Bengal now. Anyone who raises a question can be arrested and can be branded Maoist and put behind the bars. The 'Unquestionable' Supremo of Bengal, Didi has shown "Red Card" to Questions !

People are outraged and many outside the state are protesting. So what are the consequences ? After what happened in Mamta Banerjee's fiefdom West Bengal on 8 August 2012, the kids of Bengal are the happiest lot. How and Why ? Read on...

Didi's next steps ought to be...

1] Ban Mahabharat:  There is a nosy "Yaksha" asking too many questions to Yudhistira in this book. That is not acceptable. So this epic must be banned or the chapter "Yaksha Prashna" must be censored out. The Ministry of Home affairs has sent a notice to the author Veda Vyasa to act immediately on this matter of face the music.

2] Ban on Interviews: There will be no interviews in any schools, offices, campus selections and on news channels. They involve asking questions and this sinister activity can't be allowed to happen in Didi's land.

3] Ban on KBC and all it's versions: Bachchan's "Kaun Banega Crorepati" will not be aired in West Bengal because Big B is always asking questions and that is not acceptable. All vernacular versions and other reality shows involving the questionable act of asking questions stand banned indefinitely.

4] No Question Hour: There henceforth will be no "Question Hour" in the West Bengal assembly. That hour will be devoted to finding out who all are Maoists and thus anti-people.

5] Ban on appealing: Bowlers henceforth can't appeal for the wicket of a batsman in Cricket matches to be played in Bengal, especially Eden Gardens. The Third Umpire referral too stands banned. The Umpire can at his own discretion, declare a batsman out. But Billy Bowden will not be allowed to Umpire in Bengal because when he raises the crooked finger, it looks like a "Question Mark" and that is blasphemous.

Question Mark over Bowden's Action !

6] Court Proceedings to change: No questions will be allowed in Courts in Bengal. Both side lawyers can present their facts before the judge and then the witnesses will be allowed to depose before the court what they know. But questions will not be entertained.

7] '?' Button to be removed: All keyboards in Bengal will have the '?' button removed. An alternative has to be arranged for the '/' button and the matter is under discussion.

But why should kids be happy with all this ? Sorry for the question, but I am writing this sitting safely in God's Own Country. So here is the answer...

8] Say NO to Exams: There will be no more examinations in Bengal. Exams involve questions and question papers. Since that is unlawful, the state education board has suspended exams with immediate effect. Henceforth children will have to just go and sign on the registry. They will be handed over "Answer Papers".  All they have to do is to write "I am not a Maoist" on the answer paper and sign it or leave thumb imprint on the paper.

They can write whatever they want as long as they don't ask questions. The results of the exams will be decided by the level of Maoism in the writings. Lower the level of Maoism, higher the grades. Any kid whose writing betrays more than 30% Maoism will automatically fail.

Thus West Bengal will become the first place in the world where there will be no "Questions" but only answers. What a wonderful state for the kids, am I right or am I right ?

Oops, sorry for the question !





Dr. Punned-it

National Anthem in Malluland

Extremely Important: I am no Xenophobic or linguophobic. I love God's Own Country which today is my own Country. I love Malayalees, especially the long haired species without the 'Y' chromosome. All my rantings are but about the language and nothing more, nothing less !

This is my first ever attempt to actually record some of those 'Manglish' jokes from real life. Since I don't have the facility to podcast on my Blog, I am uploading it as a video. I would like everybody to believe that the 'Frog' seen in the video is just happenstance and not intentionally indicative of the state of mind of the native Malayalee !

Inadequate quality of the video is regretted. Hence I am providing the text of the podcast.

A young lady Medical Representative recently came with her senior Manager. As he started talking, I could make out he was not a Malayalee thanks to his English. Since his English sounded somewhat like the Bangalore type, I asked him, “You aren’t from Kerala, right? From where do you come from?”

He replied, “You are right Sir, I am from Chennai. But Sir is there any problem?” I said, “Not a problem at all, it’s just that your English didn’t sound like the Kerala English to me. That is all”. 

The young lady interrupted with, “Why Sir, is it because only we in Kerala speak proper English?” I smiled and said, “No, contrary to that you people are the ones who have a problem with English. Why English, you speak all languages in Malayalam.” She looked a little bit offended and asked, “How can you say that Sir? We are the most educated state in India”

I had to tell her, “See, English language doesn’t have ‘heavy Ls’ and ‘heavy Ns’. But you people insert them everywhere. For example, just pronounce Collage, School, Colony, Bun, Sunny and then you will understand what I mean. You will make them sound CoaLLage, SchooL, CoLony, BuN, SuNNy. Right” 

I pressed ahead, “See, you make Shah Rukh Khan into Sharoo Ghan, Salman Khan in Salman Ghan. It is Khan… KHAN from the epiglottis. You bring them from the umbilicus” She retorted, Sir, but everyone will have this kind of different accents. Why pick only Malayalees?”

I politely replied, “I didn’t pick on Malayalees. You were the one who boasted about only Malayalees speaking correct English. All of us have our peculiarities. It is no big deal. I just had to tell you and correct your misconception. That’s it”

I have blogged about this before and I have cried hoarse about people in Kerala turning the ‘horse’ into ‘hoarse’ and ‘Nurse’ into ‘Nezhse’. And then there are so many things like AapiLL, PupiLL, PuLLing power, FLower MiLL and the list is endless. 

Once a Perumbavoor born nurse said, “Phatt Saarum Phaaryayum Phayangaramaayi vishkkunnathukondu Pharat Tourist home-il chennu Phakshanam kazhichu” And an Insurance agent once said, “Innu Phoori Phaagam aalukal ee policy thanneya edukkunnathu”

And now they pronounce SatiDa, SaviDa and SangeeDa. This is also really funny. You write something and pronounce something. That is why I still find it tough to speak Malayalam” 

Since I don’t want this podcast to appear as a tirade against Malayalees, I will finish this with the National Anthem or Naashanal Aantham as they sing in some of the schools in Kerala; especially the Central Travancore side.

Everybody please stand up.

Jena Gena Mana Adhinaayaga Jaya Hay Phaarada Phagya Vidhada

Penchaab Sinth Gujaraada Maraadha Dravida Utkala Venga
Vinthya Himaajala Yemunaa Genga Uchchala Jaladhidarenga
Tava Shupha Naame Jaahay 

Tava Shupha Ashisha Maahey
Gaahey Dava Jaya Gaadha
Jena Gena Mangala Daayaga 

Jaya Hay Pharada Phagyavidhada

Jeya Hay Jeya Hey Jeya Hey

Jeya Jeya Jeya Jeya Hay…

Dr. Punned-it

Welcome to Kochi: The New Sodom !

In these times of Anna Hazare pulling a 'fast' one on the Union Government, I believe a lot of local and perhaps quite important issues are getting marginalized or trivialized. Well, if Anna has managed to obscure Team India's abject surrender in England, anything can happen. After all this happens only in India.

Again almost ad nauseum; I am talking about the roads or rather the lack of them in God's own Country that is Kerala. My own poor little Kochi is struggling to cope with multiple problems. The influx of Bangladeshis masquerading as people from West Bengal is the worst threat to this coastal town. We never know who is an Indian today. The migrant labor might be cheap today, but it might cost us dear in future. I shouldn't considered xenophobic or a Bal Thakre clone; that I am not. I have reasons to believe in what I have stated here. I just hope I am proved wrong.

The other problems is the burgeoning middle class on a rat race that can be called 'Car Wars'. Anyone owning a small car or just one car is a small fry here. Most middle class families own two or even three cars today. Everyone is on a car these days, I repeat everyone. So where do we park all these cars ? I believe we might have to push the backwaters backwards to form a reclaimed parking lot for the Kochi middle class.

Two-wheelers are the new 'Plague'. They are here, there and everywhere. I am scared to stand with my legs apart for a short period anywhere in Kochi. There are fat chances that some smart Alec might park his bike between my legs and leave before I realize. All those who are not on cars are on two-wheelers. The worst thing about these bikes is they cover 200km with one tea-spoon-full of petrol. They come in easy installments and every youth must have them.

These bikes take away young lives thanks to accidents. But they also kill insidiously. Most of our youth hardly walks except to go to the toilet. They step out of house, hop onto the bike and go to office or any place they want to. They park their mean-machines at the nearest possible spot and finish work and are back on bike and then back home. They practically live on bikes. Thus a big section of the youth hardly has any exercise and develop obesity, Hypertension, Diabetes and Heart Diseases at very young age. We might soon become the nation with largest number of bikes and even larger number of young heart patients.

All these and many other problems we face are not unique to Kochi. They are common for every developing place. Bad roads, infrastructural malformations, drinking water, electricity and so on. But what is unique to Kochi is there never was an honest attempt on part of the rulers to even make a cursory attempt to solve the eternal problems with the roads.

The rulers change. But the rules, the policies, the contractors, the workers and the roads never change. I don't remember a single road constructed by the Kochi Corporation lasting one monsoon. No soon the monsoon announces the arrival, the roads begin to break. By August, we have a few roads in a town filled with potholes. A sham of filling these potholes with gravel is conducted every three months till April. Then the potholes are filled with a lot of crushed stones, gravel and exactly 2mm layer of tar in the month of May. The Monsoon is a lot more sincere and arrives mostly in time by end May !

Today, Saturday 27 August 2011 we are in a piquant situation. The roads are completely ragged. The much talked about Thammanam - Pullepady road widening and total revamp of Kochi roads was never taken up. But the Metro Rail is being taken up in a big way. Demolition of the North Railway Over-bridge is taken with utmost zeal by the local government.

So what do we have ? For a 'Castle in the Air' that is Metro Rail, we have a town being devastated. The already congested traffic is going to be redirected through the doomed Thammanam - Pullepady road and many other such under-privileged roads. These roads are already in bad shape and bursting at the seams. The added traffic is going to totally demolish Kochi.

The Traffic Police don't help at all. In fact they make things worse. There are no right turns or 'U' turns in most places in the city. No 'U' turns for long stretches on the highway. At the most strategically placed Kathrikkadavu junction, you can't even go straight. We are sent into a quagmire through the under-bridge and then almost half a kilometer distant 'U' turn that is unmanned and becomes a flash point for outraged drivers to vent their fury on one another. What do these 'patently stupid' measures do ? More and more vehicles are on the roads for longer periods to cover same distance and that means the traffic turns further congested.

So what are we witnessing ? This might sound a tad crude simile, but this is unfortunately true. This is quite like sodomizing an anus already ravaged by piles, fistula and fissures. Our rulers are perpetrating sodomy on my beloved Kochi.

Henceforth the catch phrase for Kerala tourism can go thus, "Welcome to Kochi, the New Sodom"


Dr. Punned-it