Life is a game of Antakshari : There's a song in every moment !

My daughter was in a great mood this morning and quoted some dialogues from a movie and said, "That dialogue about 'We are born to eat' from the movie 'Salt & Pepper' belongs to my father and they have copied him". I just sang these lines to her though my Mom hates to listen me sing this...

"Mujhse pehele kitne shaayar aaye aur aakar chale gaye,
Kuch aahen bhar kar laut gaye, kuch nagme gaakar chale gaye,
Woh bhi ek pal ka kissa the, mai bhi ek pal ka kissa hoon,
Kal tumse juda ho jaaoonga woh aaj tumhaara hissa hoon"

Hindi Cinema, especially the old Hindi songs are so deeply ingrained in me, that I often believe I wouldn't have been 'Me' but for Hindi songs. For any situation in life, I somehow have to bring a song. Funny, interesting, happy, sad and just about anything; I end up singing a song that I feel suits the situation. Often it might end up being a mild parody but I always seem to have a song for the occasion !

'Abject Poverty' is how we used to describe our financial status in Medical College, Bellary. Anyone with a hundred rupee bill on him after the first weekend was considered a 'King'. There were more paupers than the Kings but that never stopped us from going out for our favorite Chicken dishes and Cinema. Things somehow always worked out.

On one such evening, we all enjoyed the dinner. Then the final part of the program came. It was time to pick up the bill. That was when none was rushing towards the plate and I had the right song for the moment, "Bill hai ke maantha nahin, Yeh Beqaraari kyun ho rahi hai, yeh jaantaa hi nahin, Oho Oho Oho Bill hai ke maanta nahin".

During another dinner, I piously held out the tray containing the bill before Shiva Kumar and sang, "Bill-aanaam darshanam punyam sparshanam paapa naashanam, aghora paapa samhaaram eka Bill-am Shiva-aarpanam"

Other songs that went with the 'Bill' were, "Bill deke dekho Bill deke dekho Bill deke dekho ji, Bill lenewaalon Bill dena seekho ji" and "Oh Mere Bill ke chain, chain aaye mere Bill ko chuka deejiye".

I have since carried this habit beyond Bellary. I took my fiancee for dinner soon after our engagement. Once the dinner was over, she went to the wash room. I finished the formality of paying the bill before she returned. And as I began to walk out, she gave me a nudge and asked, "Did you pay the bill ?". I sang to her in low volume, "Bill diya hai, Jaan bhi denge, Aye Sanam tere liye, Har Karam apnaa karenge Aye Sanam tere liye". Unfortunately, she didn't understand that and she still doesn't relate to this extempore song for the moment concept !

But my daughter is more than game for this kind of showmanship. In fact, she expects me to break into a parody every time something interesting happens. It all started when she was about 5 years old. She hurt herself after a fall and began to wail. That is something I just can't see and I sang, "Dekha Phoolon ko kaanton pe sote huve, Dekha toofaan ko kashti dubothe huve, Dekh saktaa hoon mai kuch bhi hote huve, Nahin mai naheen dekh sakta tujhe rote huve".

She was too young to understand the words but loved the soothing hug of her Appe. Today, she understands Hindi and loves these instant songs. My fondest nickname for her is 'Piya' and my stock song for her is "Piya Piya oh Piya Piya". It is these beautiful moments that make life worth living !

It isn't as if my wife has no taste for music or she doesn't like my songs. It just is that she has her own favorites and she sticks to them. A few lines my wife likes when I sing for her are, "Tumhe koi aur dekhe toh jalta hain Dil, Badi Mushqilon se phir sambhalta hai dil" and ...

When people were talking about the gay relationship between a famous Superstar and an equally high profile Director; I had dedicated a song for them, "Bas yehee apraadh mai har baar karta hoon, Aadmi hoon aadmi se pyaar karta hoon".

I had an entire Blog-post dedicating songs to each of Team India members during the 2011 Cricket world cup campaign. I believe there is a song in every moment and a moment in every song that defines life. We just have to have the ear and the soul for the music !

I can go on 'linking' songs to everything that happens in everyday life. But this post can't not go on forever. So let me conclude with, "Thanks to Hindi Cinema music, life is a game of Antakshari for me and mine. Hope the songs remain happy ones and continue to flow till last breath. Hope the music never deserts me all life".



Dr. Punned-it

Look-ing Back: Pandi-monium, CBI Diary and other stories !

During one of my interactions on a Facebook group, someone asked me about the lack of law and order with my hair and if it had anything to do with my being too busy to comb. I escaped saying my hair was too straight and sparse and hence wavered along the wind making it tough to keep under control.

My hairstyle being the root cause of public nuisance and intense ridicule isn't a new phenomenon. It has always been so ! But even my appearance has come under the scanner very often. So let me recount some of the instances that have made me feel like an alien.

Seth Dosa

In early days in Kochi as a bachelor, I used to visit a famed Dosa joint practically every day for my midnight snacks while I prepared for the All India PG Medical Entrance Exam. This joint was run by a Konkani family. They didn't know me and I used to converse in my uncomfortable Malayalam with them.

After one and a half year in Kochi, I moved to a small hospital in Ponkunnam. While back in Kochi on a weekend, I again decided to visit this joint. Once there, the owner recognized me and told his brother in Konkani, "This Setu [used for North Indians] boy had probably gone north for some time. Now he is back".

I savored my favorite onion dosa without uttering a word. While leaving, I told them in Konkani, "Your dosas are really nice and the red chutney you serve is unique. It is typically Konkani in taste". I didn't wait for their reaction. The next time I was there, they had done their homework and knew my complete antecedents.

Long Sharp Mustache and the CBI Diary

I worked in Ponkunnam for almost 2 years. While there, I used to travel by bus to Kottayam frequently to watch latest Malayalam and Hindi movies. On one such journey, I was trying to catch some sleep. But the middle aged person next to me was in no mood to let the sleeping Doc sleep.

He poked me on my shoulder and asked, "Where are you going ?". I was annoyed, yet replied politely, "Kottayam" and closed my eyes again. He poked me again and asked, "Where in Kottayam ?". I was in no mood to divulge and hence sai, "Just like that". Then came the next question, "Where do you live ?". I said, "Ponkunnam". He wasn't happy with that and went ahead with, "No, which your native place ?". I too was determined now and replied, "Kochi".

There was a creepy smile on his face and he said, "You are not a Malayalee. You can't be from Kochi. Are you North Indian ?". I was having great difficulty keeping my eyes open and here was a pest not allowing me the pleasure of a short nap on a speeding bus. I said, "No, South Indian".

He must have been a leach in previous life; just not ready to quit sucking. His next question was, "What do you do ?". I said, "Nothing special". "But you should do something for a living. So what is your job ?" was his riposte. Then he asked, "Are you a businessman ?" I replied, "Mmmm, something like that". Pat came the next query, "What business ?".

Now I was at a loss. If I say something and he starts probing the answer, I'd be in further trouble. So I just smiled and said, "Just some small business here and there". He almost concluded, "That means you have a blade company, right ?". Too sick of this nuisance, I just nodded and tried to turn to the other side to catch some sleep.

After what seemed like a short break, the poke was back. He shook me up and said even as I was trying to catch my breath, "You were bluffing all the while. Now I have completely deciphered you. You are very shrewd. Now I know what you do. You are from CBI or Crime Branch and you are here to investigate a case in the high range".

I was still in a daze and asked him, "How did you make out ?". He triumphantly declared, "You may be CBI but we Malayalees are highly educated and intelligent you see. Your secretive behavior, your language, your looks, your color and above all that sharp mustache is very typical of CBI or Crime branch. You have that Police look". Must have been watching too many Police and CBI movies !

I have never been happier when a journey ended. First thing I did after going back home was to trim my extra long mustache !

North Indian Connections

Almost 17 years in Kochi and I still am not accepted as a local even though I have developed a decent client base in my profession. I also have a sizable Punjabi clientele thanks to my love for Hindi. I was at my daughter's school recently attending the district level arts festival. I am fairly well known there thanks to the popularity enjoyed by my daughter.

After her first performance and during lunch break, a gentleman came and told me, "Your daughter's performance was really nice. She should have won. But the CD spoiled everything and unfortunately she might lose because of that". I just nodded and smiled. He was right, she came second in the Folk Dance event due mainly to the substandard CD.

While I was still busy eating, I had a call from one of my Punjabi clients. As I was conversing in pretty decent Hindi, this gentleman kept staring at me. Once I finished, he came to me and said, "So I guessed right. You are North Indian. So are there Shenoys in North India too ? Your daughter and wife speak pretty decent Malayalam. How is that ?". I said "I am from the North is right, but just north of Kerala. My wife is from Kerala and daughter was born here too. That is why they speak decent Malayalam". This was a nice man. He took my reply and left me alone to mind my own business of eating.

Hot blooded Young Man and Pandi-monium 

It was on a night duty during my early days in Sudheendra Medical Mission. A young lady was brought to casualty with fever and vomiting. It was already past midnight. Her husband and father were accompanying her. I talked to her in whatever Malayalam I could muster and examined her.

As I sat down to write down the prescription, her husband asked me, "Doctor Pandiyaano ?" meaning, "Doctor are you a Pandi ?". By this time, I had come to understand that 'Pandi' was an insult the Malayalees used to refer to the daily wages workers from rural Tamilnadu. 24 is a very very tough age to control your temper even for a Doctor. I retorted, "Ningalkku Vattundo ?" meaning "Are you mad ?".

Stunned, that man asked, "Why do you talk like that ? What is this ? You are insulting me". By now, I had realized I might have crossed the line. Yet, I had to defend myself. I said, "See my Malayalam might not be good enough. But I have enough knowledge about this state to understand 'Pandi' is an insult. I am here at this goddamned hour examining your wife and trying to help you people and you are out to insult me. That put the doubt in my mind".

His father in law intervened and said, "Come on Doctor, he is a young man with hot blood. You should be generous". I politely reacted to the older man, "Sir, I am at least 4 - 5 years younger to your young man and hence my blood must be hotter. Why should I suffer an insult like that ?".

The 'young man' had cooled down now and said, "I did not mean to insult you Doctor. I just asked if you were a Tamilian". I too replied with utmost cool now, "Oh, now that is much better. If you had used the same word earlier, everything would have been fine. Anyway, let us move on. And no, I am NOT a Tamilian".

There have been many a Pandemonium of different magnitudes before and since. Perhaps I can keep them for another day and another post !




Dr. Punned-it

How I became Godless !

My Granny never lost an opportunity to remind me that I was born thanks to her prayers at Tirupathi. Since my parents' first born was a daughter, my granny made a passionate prayer to the Tirupathy God and even my name was chosen there. Thus, Govind Raj I became in a family littered with Vaishnavite names. I grew up a very proud child because of this glorification.

My first brush with amoral behavior at religious places came when I was barely 9. It was a custom in our joint family to offer coconuts, bananas and flowers to the reigning deity in our local temple on every Saturday evening. One such evening it was little  boy me who went to do this ritual. I gave all the offerings to the priest and went to do circum-ambulation [Pradakshin] of the sanctum sanctorum.

When I came back, the priest told me, "See this coconut you brought is spoiled. This is not good for your family. So you buy a new coconut and pay rupees ten as penalty also". I only had rupees 12 on me. I gave him all the money I had and he assured me that everything will be fine. He gave me a 'replacement' coconut and returned the spoiled coconut too. As is the custom, he took half piece of the good coconut, 2 out of 5 bananas and returned my bag with 'prasad'.

When I reached home, my Mom was surprised to know this. She was quite sure the coconut she gave me was not spoiled. When she checked, it turned out to be a revelation. The 'spoiled coconut' was in fact two separate pieces of two different coconuts. But much worse was the fact that the 'replacement' coconut the priest gave me was indeed the coconut I went with. My Mom recognized the huge coconut as one grown in our own backyard. It left a very bitter taste in the mouth. It shattered me to know there was such cheap act going on right under the nose of the 'God' !

There are hundreds of incidents that gradually took me away from Religion and Gods. I would stick with a few that had a defining role. There was a famous Astrologer who was close to our family. He would blame all the ills on the 'Naga' or the Serpent. I have lost count of the number of rituals my family has conducted to placate the Snake Gods ! With every such function, my indignation for the Astrologer and his predictions went on increasing. I was wondering how could a poor reptile affect so many people in so many ways.

One of those concepts that repelled me during young age was the "God will punish you if you don't do this and that" kind of talk. I used to think, "Why does this God create people who do wrong things and then want to punish them ?". I never had a satisfactory answer. Most of what the believers have done is semantic juggling.

The next issue was 'My God is the Real God and other Gods are false' preaching. Once a Christian preacher bored me to death with his unsolicited advice on the 'Real Creator' and the myths of Hindu religion and the harms of Idol worship. Respecting his age and with my inborn inability to be rude to elders, I tolerated him for almost three quarters of an hour.

Finally I was forced to ask him, "I have just one question, is Bible the final truth ?" He said, "Yes, it indeed is the ultimate truth and the only truth. Once you start following Bible, salvation is guaranteed". I replied, "But most of Biblical stories are cock and bull stories just like the Hindu mythology you were deriding so far. Bible goes against Science and evolution. Why don't you go and take some rest ?" He was offended and cursed me, "You will never know the real truth and will be condemned to eternal hell if you question the God". I was really angry and shot back, "Well, if heaven is the place where I have to tolerate people like you, I prefer to be in hell. Thank you and good night !"

The Temple - Mosque issue that divided a nation left a deep impact on me too. I have no hesitation today to admit I was in favor of 6 December 1992 demolition at that time. It was like justifying the act as retaliation against decades of Islamic atrocities. That was a mistake like many of those I have committed in my life. But as I evolved, I realized the whole issue was a non-issue. People sharing the same A, B or O Antigens were fighting for the sake of two of the most despicable characters from history. I moved further away from Gods.

The rituals, Mantras and all things religion became progressively intolerable for me. An incident at the now famous Padmanabha Temple at Thiruvananthapuram further escalated my disenchantment. I had a strong dislike for the custom of taking off shirts during temple entry. This custom has its origins in the filthy practice of Brahminical era when only those with the thread were allowed inside the temple. The more things change, the more we tend to resist change. Kerala temples haven't come out of the past; the dirty untouchable past.

In 2006, on our way to Kanyakumari; we visited the Thiruvananthapuram Temple. In spite of my dislike to go the Salman Khan way in public [no secret there, I don't have his physical attributes] I agreed to go inside the temple. I folded my jeans, took off the shirt and covered myself with a 'mundu and shawl'.

A youth standing near the gate asked me, "Are you wearing a pant inside ?" I asked him, "Yes, but how does that make a difference ?". He replied, "You can't wear a pant inside the temple". I said, "But, I have folded it till knees. Do you have a problem with knee length shorts or inner wear ?". He was rude now, "Inner wear is different. But PANT is not allowed. You can't question the customs of the temple".

I politely told him, "But I did wear a pant folded under a mundu the last time I came here. There was no problem. Why this new rule ?". He was hostile now, "This is a new rule since yesterday. You obey rules or face God's curse". I am not really good at arguing. I told my people, "I have already compromised on a lot of things I believe in just for you people. But this is beyond me. This temple will not suffer if I don't visit it and neither am I going to be any poorer if I don't enter. I am NOT going inside !".

This did hurt my parents and other relatives. But exactly at that point of time, I had learned to draw a line. I was not going to take any more religious crap. I have stayed firm to this. Not that I don't go to temples now. I do visit temples and enjoy the great food they provide in some of those temples. I also take part in some rituals just to keep my aging parents happy. If my occasional visits to the places of worship can keep them happy; it is worth doing so.

Looking at the havoc wrecked on the humanity by the people like Osama bin Laden and his followers and so many of these right-wing  religious outfits, anybody would like to think, "Do we need Gods and religions ?"

This planet is but a small part of an infinite universe. We the human beings have advanced enormously thanks to the evolution that gave us a mind. The mind tells me to trust Science. Science can go wrong. But we can always correct ourselves by accepting the folly.

But Gods, Religions and dogmas will not change. The beliefs in beliefs will not change. Knowing fully well the tonnes of rubbish associated with the religions, people still follow religions and God. At this point in time, I believe we don't need God, Gurus, Religions and salvation. They just don't exist for me. We just need oxygen, food, water, shelter and a little bit of love !


Dr. Punned-it

Woh Saath Din: The Evolution of a Pothole !

Disclaimer: Woh Saath Din [Those 7 Days] was a hit Hindi movie of the 80s. That was a remake of a Tamil movie "Anda Ezhu Naatkal". This post has nothing to do with the movies except for the title.

No sooner than the Monsoon graced the backwater city of in Kerala, we are back to square none. The ill-fated Thammanam - Pullepady road was repaired in the second week of May. In fact, the road was in tatters while the IPL jamboree was going on in Kochi. In less than a month, the road is rushing back to it's own.

Flying through this road for just about two weeks, I went on a holiday and came back on June 1. Here is the progress of a 'Pothole'. This is just one of the hundreds and thousands of them erupting on this road every day. In fact, every moment. So here we go...

1 June 2011

This is how a small hole with a smaller satellite body appeared on June 1, the day I returned to Kochi after a holiday. The birth place is near the small bridge which has a twin-bridge constructed recently.

2 June 2011

This is how the twin potholes had progressed in just about 24 hours. That is some rapid progress.

3 June 2011

Just look at the degeneration around the twin potholes and appearance of a second satellite on the left hand side.

4 June 2011

This snap was taken from a side angle on 4 June. We can see the twin holes have merged into a larger Amoeba shape with the newer satellite enlarging rapidly.

5 June 2011

This is on 5 June 2011. The extended family is merging and expanding. It is a much bigger hole now, though still not deep enough to fell the two-wheeler who is more interested in what I was doing than in what is in front of him !

6 June 2011

Look at the extension of the Pothole family across the breadth of the road. This is such a rapid progress. This is now ready to act as a speed-breaker for all vehicles wading through the road at extreme speeds of 6.5 km per hour.

7 June 2011

The funny thing is the initial potholes to the left-hand side look small compared to the bigger and deeper one in the middle. Just one week of average Monsoon has exposed the quality of work our Contractors are providing us.

3 weeks from here, the whole road will be infested by nothing less than a million potholes punctuated by islands of remnants of the excess tar accidentally left behind by the workers.

A change of guard in the Kochi Corporation was welcomed by me and people like me with a sigh of relief. The present dispensation has proved that there is no reason for us to sigh any more.

The ruling parties will  change. The rulers will change. The ideologies will change. But the Contractors will not, the workers will not and the roads too will not change. The nexus will always prove to be in excess for the common man.

We the people of Kochi are doomed to live with these Potholes forever. So better learn to 'Live, Love and Laugh'. Nothing ever will improve in God's Own Country. NOTHING !



Dr. Pundit

The Queen of Arabian Sea in God's Own Country !

One more walk and one more photo session. How can the powers that be allow this kind of anarchy to prevail ? Kochi is a Bad, Bad, Bad, World; miniature version !

Welcome to Kochi, the self proclaimed "Queen of Arabian Sea" the financial capital of Kerala, the self-proclaimed "God's own Country".

My friends always blame me for being too harsh, too critical and too satirical in my posts. Hence I have decided to mend my ways and have come out with solutions to the problems. This is my mite to my adopted land. Hope at least some of our rulers find time to read this.

Our Footpaths !

Problem: This is what we see on most of the footpaths. No wonder pedestrians are knocked down by speeding buses and bikes because they walk on roads.

Solution: Let the Cable guys put up advertisements and hoardings on footpaths. The Corporation can gain some revenue.

A Jam nobody likes !

Problem: Auto Rickshaws can sneak into any available 'gap' on the road or footpath where the front wheel gets an access. And they create traffic jams that leave law abiding drivers in debris.

Solution: Send all these three wheeler drivers to the Pakistan and Bangladesh border. We can use them to combat the insurgency.

A world infested by two-wheelers

Problem: You park your car with a gap enough to pull out when you have to leave. And you come back to see two-wheelers clogging both sides of your vehicle. This is in spite of having enough space around to park 300 bikes. The bikers somehow like to squeeze in between cars.

Solution: Send the talented two wheeler-riders to Olympics. They might win us medals in Gymnastics.

Potholes - Take deviation

Problem: Huge potholes on our roads. Poor bikers have to take diversion and the cars and other vehicles have to wade through them. Whatever happens to the road tax levied on every vehicle !

Solution: A new innovation: Pothole Tourism ! No other town can boast of this facility. We can take tourists around for different parts of the town. Fishing, boating and even swimming too can be arranged for enthusiasts. We excel in converting liabilities into assets.

What Potholes ? There is no road !

Problem: In some places, there are no potholes. There in fact are no roads. So what will happen to tourism ?

Solution: Relax, there is a further advancement. We can always invite Archeological Society of India. They need to dig very little for excavation. Even better, we might even stumble upon some 'Oil Wells'. Who knows, Malayalee's favorite 'Gulf' might be recreated in God's Own Country !

Does it stink ? Take deep breath...

Problem: The much discussed stink in Kochi is worsening by the day. Open drains are a danger physically and physiologically. Can't walk without closing your nostrils.

Solution: Open 'Open Air' Pranayaama classes all over. People can learn breath holding and deep breathing techniques on the road. It improves endurance, health and longevity. All credit should go to our rulers.

Road Rags !

Problem: Absolutely ragged roads everywhere. Not an ounce of tar to be seen anywhere. Driving speed never to go above 10kmph.

Solution: Another great business opportunity. Bring in Tyre companies to sponsor different stretches of the road. They can coin slogans like, "Only FRM Tyres survive these roads" or "When the going gets Rough, the Tough get going" etc. The revenue thus earned can be used to hike the allowances of our poor underpaid and underprivileged rulers !

Hope I have not been critical, satirical or too harsh this time. I love India, I love Kerala and I love Kochi. After all Kochi has given me a life and a wife !




Dr. Pun-dit

Footpath, My Foot !

Sachin Tendulkar scored 50 Test Centuries. But for him, 50 is just another number. For me, 100 too is just another number. No fire crackers, no sweets, not even raising my mouse and no celebrations.

People haven't thrown many stones at me, so I can't convert them into milestones ! But my hundredth post deals with stones, millstones, slabs, beams and more.

I have written so much about our roads in Kochi. But something had escaped my attention all these days. I apologize to all those who have walked the footpaths of Kochi all these days. I salute everyone in advance for continuing to do so.

I chose to walk to the post office today because I wasn't sure I would get a parking place. That 200 meters walk has left me wiser a zillion times. Most importantly I know why pedestrians walk on the roads in Kochi. Henceforth, I shall never curse anyone walking in the middle of the road. That is the only place where they can walk. Safety is another thing.

You step on the roads, the Red-Killers of Kochi might leave you dead. But if you walk on the footpaths, your kin won't even get the Ex Gratia. Death due to suicide is not compensated in our country.

This perhaps is a situation prevailing in most of the cities in India. But living in Kochi, I write for my town. I Cry for you my beloved Kochi. So sad I can only do that and then write this piece !

Here are some snaps of our 'Footpaths' ! These snaps were shot between Kacherippady junction and Madhava Pharmacy junction; by far the busiest junctions in the Kerala State.

The Beam of Death ... This is where I tripped and survived to write the Story

Imagine Kids and Senior Citizens walking here at night !

How safe is it to walk here ?

Rough and Tumble !

Two Wheeler Parking !

Wade through paths full of stones ...

Training in Long Jump required !

Slab Slab pe likha hai Girnewaale ka Naam !

Work in progress ... Forever so !

Hip Hop suggested...

Side view of a lopsided footpath

Cracks

Take Care... Step out at your own risk !

More Cracks and more Stones !

Talk when you Walk - And end up in a Hospital !

Free Trips... Over our Slabs ... No Law, No Order, No Nothing !

Way to Maveli-Land ... The Paataalam !

Different sizes of Indifference !

Gaping holes !

Stepping Stones ... Orthopedician's Delight !

If the slabs don't get you, the filed "Beams" will !

Search for the Footpath and win free tours to Maveli-Land !

Whole place is full of these broken slabs !

More prizes for detecting the footpath !

God's Own Country; Devil's Own Gutters !

After an enlightening walk of just 200 meters, I was left to exclaim, "Footpath, My Foot" !


Dr. Pun-dit