A Doctor, a Conduct Certificate and the Final Diagnosis !

Those who think Medical field is all serious business and Doctors are a humorless brand ought to see the inside life of a hospital. From paining piles to brimming files, hospitals often produce volumes of humor. It just is that often, the wit can be shared between Medical professionals only because the humor is often lost in translation. I still have some nice stories to tell that can be understood by everyone. I must admit I am inspired by Richard Gordon in my humor on the hospital. It helps to know such a funny Doctor existed long before us.

Dr. A is the Hero in this compilation of short stories inspired from a real life character. Let me introduce him first. Dr. A is a knowledge freak. He took ten and a half years to complete the MB; BS course which most of the Doctors finish in a hurry within five had a half years. He did his own experiments with drugs and narcotics during this period. He attended all exams at least twice and was a 30 year old veteran by the time he was completely satisfied with his stint at Calicut the Medical College.

His first job was with a Cooperative Hospital. He worked for a whole of two months there and was a self proclaimed pet of his Boss. A senior Physician from that hospital called up our hospital recommending Dr. A for the post of Junior Registrar in the Department of Cardiology or in Medicine. It was believed to be a technical problem with some of the seniors that was responsible for his resigning the job there.

He joined us with a lot of fanfare. Three days into his job with our hospital, Dr. A had surpassed all expectations. My senior colleague Dr. V told me, "Hey GR, Now I know why those b-s-a-d- shunted him out. This is a Moron !". Without any more elaboration, let us move on to the stories.

Terrible Sweating

This was almost a dozen years ago. Every single morning during rounds, Dr. C our Boss used to indulge in some interesting talk with the three of us; Dr. V, Dr. A and myself Dr. G. One day he said, "All of you are 30 now and must know the importance of exercise to keep yourself healthy. Do you people walk at all ?".

Dr. V said, "Yes Sir, both myself and my wife are members of a health club here and we do at least 4 days a week". I said, "Sir, I have a manual treadmill at home and do it 30 minutes a day, 6 days a week". Dr. C was pleased and said, "Good, very good. Keep pushing at it and avoid gaining weight and eat healthy. Well, Dr. A, how about you ? To be honest you look a little too overweight. So what do you do about it ?"

The gem of a reply from Dr. A: Sir, I like to exercise. I really love to. But I find very little time to exercise because of work. And I also get terrible sweating when I walk. I really hate this sweating. Much worse is the problem that I become hungrier after walking and eat quite a lot. That is why I don't exercise. But I am planning to start walking as soon as I find a solution to this sweating problem"

I was wondering which was more funny; the blank look on the face of Dr. C or the smirk on Dr. V's face. Then I settled for the absolutely clueless grin on the face of Dr. A !

The 'Final' Diagnosis

I was in the Stress Test lab on ground floor when I had a frantic call from the Intensive Care Unit on the second floor. It took me three minutes to finish the ongoing test. I rushed to the ICU wondering why did they call me in spite of the fact that Dr. A was there on duty.

As I huffed into the ICU, I saw Dr. A cooling himself under the fan and in front of the AC. Seeing my urgency, he said with a cool assurance, "Nothing to worry. I have seen the patient. Taken a complete and detailed history and done thorough clinical examination and come to a conclusion that the final diagnosis is Non-Cardiac Chest Pain". Since the nurse on duty gestured me towards the bed, I went over and found out to my utter dismay that the ECG monitor showed a straight line. The patient was dead !

The nurse's version of the story: Dr. A had examined the patient who came with chest pain and then went to cool himself before the air conditioner and under the fan. He promised to to see the ECG after recovering from the ordeal of detailed examination. He found no need to call anyone else saying, "It is alright. I can manage this. No need to disturb Dr. V or Dr. G. We will comfortably handle this".

The ECG showed evidence of an Extensive Anterior Myocardial Infarction [Massive Heart Attack]. I cursed myself for those three minutes, but I was helpless. We decided that day that Dr. A will not be left alone in charge of ICU anymore.

Certificate of Conduct

Dr. C, our Boss was extremely upset after the 'Final Diagnosis' and wanted to get rid of Dr. A. Right opportunity came calling when Dr. A decided to get married. A girl 11 years younger and doing LLB in Kochi was to be his bride. We all did attend the after wedding party at his residence and wished the girl a great future.

Dr. A came back after honeymoon a month later. By this time, Dr. C had made up his decision and he politely told, "Dr. A, I don't want to hurt you but I think we don't have a place for you here. You will have to find a suitable hospital for yourself and work in the wards and Casualty to gain enough experience before you can aspire to work in an ICU again. I wish you all the best for your future as well as married life. Thanks you".

Dr. A was crestfallen but pleaded with Dr. C for a certificate of experience and conduct. Dr. C, a man of extremely immaculate principles replied, "Again I am sorry Dr. A. But what kind of a certificate do you want ? I can't give you a glowing certificate about your exploits. I don't want to issue a false certificate. If I give you a truthful certificate, that would hurt your future rather than help you. I believe you'd be better without a certificate from me".

Dr. A came and talked at length to me and Dr. V and wanted to know why Dr. C didn't want him in the department. He wanted to know what was the meaning of a certificate hurting his cause rather than help him.

Dr. A never liked Dr. V and Dr. V too never missed a chance to reciprocate the same feelings. So Dr. V decided to write a copy of a certificate for him inspired from Richard Gordon's Doctor series.

The Certificate

To whomsoever it may concern or may not:

This is to certify that Dr. A claims to have worked in the Department of Cardiology of this Hospital for some time between 2 January 2000 to 1 April 2000. He believes he has gained enough experience during this period to manage any emergency in the Intensive Care Unit. We are yet to understand his real capabilities because he hasn't shown any of that as yet.

Dr. A is quite an overconfident young Doctor who believes he knows everything and that should help him if not his patients. His conduct and character during this period were entirely satisfactory to himself.

We wish him all the luck in future and more luck for his patients.

Signed:

Dr. C

Catheterization on the first day !

Dr. A subsequently joined a bigger hospital claiming to have gained enough experience working under two extremely Cardiologists, Dr. AK and Dr. C. He was immediately posted in Cardiology because both these gentlemen had such enormous reputations. His first day in the Trust Hospital threw up perhaps his greatest challenge. Just two hours into his new job, he was relaxing in Duty Doctor's room with two more seniors. A Nurse from ICCU requested any one of the Doctors to do a catheterization. The senior said, "Well Dr. A, let us begin. Can you do the catheterization ?"

Dr. A replied, "Oh my God, do you really think I should try that and that too today ? I can't do Cardiac Catheterization on my first day. I don't have the experience. Give me about one week and I shall do all that"

Now it was the turn of his senior colleague to be shocked. He said holding back his laughter, "Dr. A, I am quite pleased with your determination to do Cardiac Catheterization within one week. I am here for past one year and haven't done one myself. But if it pleases you, can you go and do the urinary bladder catheterization of this patient for now ?"

PS: Cardiac Catheterization is that process where a Doctor passes a Catheter into the Coronary Artery and heart of a patient to study the blood supply and other things pertaining to heart. People take a minimum of six months of observation and then two to three years of vigorous training to gain some kind of mastery over this technique.

Right man for the Right place

Dr. A had to leave the trust hospital in less than a month. The CEO called him after three weeks and handed over his cheque for the entire month and told, "Dr. A, here is your pay for the entire month. Kindly make yourself unavailable for duty in this hospital with immediate effect. And thank you". Finally we came to know Dr. A had joined a hospital claiming to specialize in 'Piles and Fistula' treatment.

Breaking this news to me, Dr. V told, "GR, our man Dr. Moron has finally found the right job for himself. The arsehole has finally landed with Piles and Fistula. It doesn't get any better than that".

 Status Update: Mentally Unstable Enormous Talent !

I met Dr. A's grandfather about a year ago. He gave me the status update on his grandson. He said, "My grandson Dr. A is now working in a Government Hospital near Kasaragod. He is earning Rs. Three Lakhs now. He is enormously talented and a brilliant Doctor and that is why he got the job. But unfortunately his first wife left him with the child. They made a case of mental instability against him and they won it with money power. But God is with us. He is now married again. You are almost same age as him. Are you married ? And do you get paid as much salary now ? And why did you not try for Government job ? That is very lucrative"

So many questions ! I politely told him, "My daughter is twelve years old. Since I am not very brilliant, I was not selected for Government job. I am not eligible too because I am not from Kerala. I don't get any salary. I am a daily wages worker here and work on incentive basis. They pay me according to the work I do. I somehow manage to feed my family".

He replied, "Oh, that is alright. Even though you and other Doctors here drove him away, he is doing well today by God's grace. His wife also did a lot of harm to him. But he has recovered and living happily with his new wife. Try to be good to people in future and don't harm good people like my Grandson. God will definitely give you a better job and better life in future". Even through this sermon, he looked mighty pleased by my pathetic plight.

I had made a person happy and that is what mattered. I left him there without turning back to see further changes in the expressions on his face !

PS: Rs. Three Lakhs is the annual remuneration of a Medical Officer in Primary Health Centers who work on annual contract basis.



Dr. Punned-it

Life is a game of Antakshari : There's a song in every moment !

My daughter was in a great mood this morning and quoted some dialogues from a movie and said, "That dialogue about 'We are born to eat' from the movie 'Salt & Pepper' belongs to my father and they have copied him". I just sang these lines to her though my Mom hates to listen me sing this...

"Mujhse pehele kitne shaayar aaye aur aakar chale gaye,
Kuch aahen bhar kar laut gaye, kuch nagme gaakar chale gaye,
Woh bhi ek pal ka kissa the, mai bhi ek pal ka kissa hoon,
Kal tumse juda ho jaaoonga woh aaj tumhaara hissa hoon"

Hindi Cinema, especially the old Hindi songs are so deeply ingrained in me, that I often believe I wouldn't have been 'Me' but for Hindi songs. For any situation in life, I somehow have to bring a song. Funny, interesting, happy, sad and just about anything; I end up singing a song that I feel suits the situation. Often it might end up being a mild parody but I always seem to have a song for the occasion !

'Abject Poverty' is how we used to describe our financial status in Medical College, Bellary. Anyone with a hundred rupee bill on him after the first weekend was considered a 'King'. There were more paupers than the Kings but that never stopped us from going out for our favorite Chicken dishes and Cinema. Things somehow always worked out.

On one such evening, we all enjoyed the dinner. Then the final part of the program came. It was time to pick up the bill. That was when none was rushing towards the plate and I had the right song for the moment, "Bill hai ke maantha nahin, Yeh Beqaraari kyun ho rahi hai, yeh jaantaa hi nahin, Oho Oho Oho Bill hai ke maanta nahin".

During another dinner, I piously held out the tray containing the bill before Shiva Kumar and sang, "Bill-aanaam darshanam punyam sparshanam paapa naashanam, aghora paapa samhaaram eka Bill-am Shiva-aarpanam"

Other songs that went with the 'Bill' were, "Bill deke dekho Bill deke dekho Bill deke dekho ji, Bill lenewaalon Bill dena seekho ji" and "Oh Mere Bill ke chain, chain aaye mere Bill ko chuka deejiye".

I have since carried this habit beyond Bellary. I took my fiancee for dinner soon after our engagement. Once the dinner was over, she went to the wash room. I finished the formality of paying the bill before she returned. And as I began to walk out, she gave me a nudge and asked, "Did you pay the bill ?". I sang to her in low volume, "Bill diya hai, Jaan bhi denge, Aye Sanam tere liye, Har Karam apnaa karenge Aye Sanam tere liye". Unfortunately, she didn't understand that and she still doesn't relate to this extempore song for the moment concept !

But my daughter is more than game for this kind of showmanship. In fact, she expects me to break into a parody every time something interesting happens. It all started when she was about 5 years old. She hurt herself after a fall and began to wail. That is something I just can't see and I sang, "Dekha Phoolon ko kaanton pe sote huve, Dekha toofaan ko kashti dubothe huve, Dekh saktaa hoon mai kuch bhi hote huve, Nahin mai naheen dekh sakta tujhe rote huve".

She was too young to understand the words but loved the soothing hug of her Appe. Today, she understands Hindi and loves these instant songs. My fondest nickname for her is 'Piya' and my stock song for her is "Piya Piya oh Piya Piya". It is these beautiful moments that make life worth living !

It isn't as if my wife has no taste for music or she doesn't like my songs. It just is that she has her own favorites and she sticks to them. A few lines my wife likes when I sing for her are, "Tumhe koi aur dekhe toh jalta hain Dil, Badi Mushqilon se phir sambhalta hai dil" and ...

When people were talking about the gay relationship between a famous Superstar and an equally high profile Director; I had dedicated a song for them, "Bas yehee apraadh mai har baar karta hoon, Aadmi hoon aadmi se pyaar karta hoon".

I had an entire Blog-post dedicating songs to each of Team India members during the 2011 Cricket world cup campaign. I believe there is a song in every moment and a moment in every song that defines life. We just have to have the ear and the soul for the music !

I can go on 'linking' songs to everything that happens in everyday life. But this post can't not go on forever. So let me conclude with, "Thanks to Hindi Cinema music, life is a game of Antakshari for me and mine. Hope the songs remain happy ones and continue to flow till last breath. Hope the music never deserts me all life".



Dr. Punned-it

Ouch; Don't pinch, it hurts - I am Indian !

 Ouch; Don't pinch, it hurts: My musings on a special nature unique to us Indians !

Driving back home after another tiring day at hospital, I was trying to grab the two-way pass at the toll booth on my way home. That is when I saw a spectacle that is not at all uncommon to us Indians. A Mercedes E-Class was cruising ahead of me. A boy in his late teens was manning the toll-booth on our side. He waved down the Merc but the car refused to stop. The desperate boy went after the car and came right in front of the car. Yet, the car didn't stop, thus forcing the hapless boy out of the way. I could see him cursing the Merc owner even as I flashed my pass.

It set me thinking. Here was a person traveling on a car that cost upwards of Rs. 25 Lakhs. But he wasn't ready to shell out just 5 bucks for the toll. Even if one buys two way pass every day, the amount would come to Rs. 225/- per month and Rs. 2738 for an entire year. That is not even 0.1% of the money he had shelled out to buy that luxurious monster. The recent murder of a toll plaza personnel by a SUV brat is still fresh in our minds for the horror to fade so easily. Why are we like this ? Why do we pinch when it comes to these small expenditures ?

Lalu Prasad Yadav is a Politician I am not particularly fond of. But once he raised a very valid point. He said, "The vegetables we eat are sold on the roadside and the footwear that adorn our feet are sold in air-conditioned show-rooms". How paradoxical a nation we have come to be !

Sulaiman, a hard-working vegetable vendor comes knocking at our door every other day. He brings his stuff on a cart, pushing it for miles through the overcrowded town to make a living. Often I see my wife and Dad haggle with him about the prices of the vegetables and cribbing about mounting expenditure. Most of the times, they force him to slash the bill after carrying all the vegetables home. And they are happy even if they manage to pinch just 5 rupees from him.

Once I told my wife, "You buy almost 5 - 6 kilos of different types of vegetables and the bill came to just about Rs. 125. You pinch 5 rupees from that poor fellow and feel happy. You people go to Pizza Hut and order a Pizza that contains a little bit of base, some cheese, mayonnaise and a fraction of these vegetables and they charge nothing less than Rs. 375 for for a medium size Pizza. I never saw you haggle with the Pizza Hut fellows. Why do you do this bargaining only with these poor people ?"

So used we are to this 'buy one get one free syndrome' that we always expect the vegetable vendor to throw in a few coriander leaves free with our vegetables. If he doesn't, we never hesitate to pull a few on our own. I believe as a nation, we are suckers for freebies. Bargaining runs is in our veins and arteries. But we also are pretty sure about where to bargain and where not. Seldom do we see people haggle in a jewellery. We routinely witness people who did shopping worth Rs. 25,000/- refusing to pay the parking fee of Rs. 10/-. We believe it is our right to park anywhere without having to pay the parking fee.

"Religion is the opium of the masses" said Karl Marx. I am not a big fan of Marxism but I agree with this. People conduct poojas, havans and rituals in temples spending Lakhs of rupees. But same people find it extremely difficult to part with a few hundreds or thousands that can help to educate an orphan. Don't we see people offering liters of milk and honey to stone idols but not even a drop of milk to a starving old woman and a child ?

Poverty Pinches; age no bar !

Western civilizations and even Islamic countries are far ahead of India when it comes to charity and helping those in need. We are a nation of greatest inequality that does humongous preaching and very little else. Just take a look at our icons. A Cricketer was presented with a Monster Ferrari by his friend Schumacher. What did out little big man do ? He wanted the excise duty waived off on the car. There are people who justify even this despicable act by an icon, just because 'He' happens to be Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar.

I don't think any other country or civilization has as many jokes about stinginess and selfishness as we have in India. Every community wants to label the other stingy. 'Marwaris' are branded 'Kanjoos' by every other north Indian. 'Marwaris' joke about the 'Kanjoos Sindhi'. The south Indian version of the 'Marwari' is the Andhra 'Setty'. In Southern Karnataka, my own community is ridiculed for 'pinching'. There are million stories about the legendary stinginess of us Indians.

Often people are proud of such 'Makki choos' nature ! 'Makki Choos' is that person who sucked on a house fly that fell into his tea because he didn't want the house fly to drink his tea. He then declares, "No fly that drank my tea can ever escape and remain alive". Evading tax, toll fee, parking fee and making such 'small savings' is a big thing for a large majority of middle class India.

Perhaps, that is one of the reasons why we are still a developing nation with enormous amount of poverty ! My effort has always been to kick this 'pettiness' and grow up. I put in maximum effort not to bargain with the small scale vendors. For them, even Rs. 5 makes a difference because it can buy them rice for one meal. For me, that is not even enough to pay the parking fees for my car.

I believe it is fine if one isn't magnanimous to donate millions. It should be perfectly fine if one respects the labor of those striving to thrive and be reasonable with them if not generous !






Dr. Punned-it

Archeologist's Day and other Prescription Stories !

Inviting Trouble ?

My Mom had serious aversion to having photographs printed on invitation cards. To know the reason, we have to travel back in time to our childhood. Those were the days of little kids attending to all their calls of nature inside the house. Potty training and toilets for kids were not even heard of. That is where these old stiff and crispy invitation cards came handy; to clean the mess left behind by the toddlers in the house. Her point was other people will use our photographs to clear off the dirt. So how will you like your departed grand-father's photograph smeared with potty ?

When my much respected father-in-law passed away in September 2010, I ordered for invitation cards with his photograph for the function to be held on the 13th day of his demise. But somehow my Mom's thought process came to influence me and I chose the card without photograph.

These cards may not be used for same purpose today. But what do I do with invitations cards today ? I keep them till the day of function and then throw them into waste bin. The thought of having my dear father-in-law's photograph in a waste bin was not so pleasant and I chose the card without the photograph.

It may sound as if I am going to dwell upon invitation cards and photographs here. Well, I am not. Actually I mentioned it here only to stress my view that people never use things for what they are actually meant for. People will use things only according to their whims, fancies and convenience. Just take the case of prescriptions we Doctors generously dole out everyday.

The Archeologist's Day

I was amazed beyond words when a septuagenarian gentleman came to me with a document laminated piece of paper he had treasured. He was handling it like it was a piece of art that he had inherited from his ancestors with at least 500 years of history behind it.

When I examined it closely, it turned out to be a prescription written down by Padmashri Dr. K. N. Pai on 17 July 1970. That meant the antique was older than me ! This gentleman turned out to be an archive later. He had every detail of his and his wife's medical history since 1970. What a pity, he worked for an oil company and retired as Manager. Had he been in the ASI; all disputes regarding Ayodhya, Kashi, Mathura and other places would perhaps have been solved by now.

The Mutilators

This, but was an exception. Most of the people we meet everyday are from the other end of the spectrum. They would misplace, displace, deface or simply forget the prescription given to them on the previous evening. Every second patient I see in my clinic forgets the prescription at home, at the medical shop, at the sub-registrar's office or anywhere it is possible to forget it.

The Mutilated Prescription

The picture above illustrates how most of the people preserve their medical records. Even if they are provided with a file or a cover or an envelope to keep these records neatly, people love to fold them and folding means at least 8  to 16 folds.

The Fold-All Mentality

 

The 8 Fold Prescription getting ready for sweat 16

Couple of years ago, I handed out a typed out and detailed medical report cum prescription to a lady traveling abroad and said, "See we are giving this in a plastic cover. Don't fold this or soil this. This is a precious record and we have included your most updated lab results along with your current clinical status". The lady nodded and got up to leave. As soon as she was on her feet, she began folding the cover and before I could utter another word, she folded it into 8 folds and shoved it into her handbag. Old habits die hard !

Depths of Resourcefulness

The plastic cover brings me to another 'delicious' story. We issue nicely detailed discharge summaries to all hospitalized patients. They are again inserted into A4 size plastic envelope with the instruction printed out, "This is a precious medical document. Please don't fold or soil this and bring it to the hospital during follow up".

That day when I went for my afternoon rounds, I just popped into say bye to a gentleman who was already discharged. What did I see there ? The Discharge Summary was drinking sambar and rasam on the table where they all had lunch. And what about the plastic envelope ? A little fellow was munching on onion pakodas kept in the cover. I was furious and asked them, "What is this ? Look at the Discharge Summary we issued only this morning. And you are using the cover to eat snacks. Do you people have an idea how important this record is ?"

The rude and brash reply by the daughter-in-law can be translated like this, "Oh, what is there in a piece of paper Doctor ? That child was crying for onion pakodas and we didn't get anything else to keep them in. If the paper is spoiled, you people can give another copy. We are paying all the bills. Are we not ?".

The Telephone Directory cum Grocery List

The Telephone Directory

Prescription paper used as telephone directory is very common. Often we see more than a dozen numbers. In one of the worst cases ever, I was humiliated to see a long list of vegetables and grocery right under the list of medicines in a prescription I had issued to a gentleman just a couple of days ago. When I asked him, how could he do that, he replied politely, "Oh so sorry Doctor, I didn't get anything to write when my wife dictated this list. Anyway, you can write down a new one and transfer all details into it".

Well, most of my colleagues can pitch in with many such stories. But there is a serious risk of readers getting bored and folding this blog into 16 or even 32 folds. So let me fold this up here !



Dr. Punned-it

A Love Story and Two Dead Bodies !

This must be one of my most heartfelt posts ever. Here I am telling a story. A story of a daughter and her parents. A story of love and a story of profound loss. Without any more elaboration, let me move on to the story.

The time and place of this story has no importance. The names too have little relevance. From the days of 'Othello' this story perhaps has been told and retold a million times over. Not very long ago, there lived a man called Shiva. He used to work for a financial firm. He was married to Sanjana, a home-maker. They had a beautiful and intelligent daughter who was called Renuka. She was fondly called 'Azhagaana Raakshasi' by the near and dear ones.

She was a very caring and helping kid and grew up with all the affection and attention of her parents and relatives. In between, Sanjana became pregnant the second time. They did not want to continue the pregnancy and wanted to abort because they wanted to give all that they had to their daughter. But their family Doctor advised against that. Thus the Doctor chose to name the boy 8 years younger to his sister after his best friend, Sripathi.

They were not a very well to do family. But the parents always gave more importance to the daughter and the son went to free school while she studied at private school. Within their capabilities, they gave the kids a very good life. All of their life was spent in keeping the kids, especially the daughter happy.

Renuka completed her graduation and joined Post-graduate course and also began working for Chartered Accountancy. In between, marriage alliances were pouring in. But the family Doctor, who was more than just a Doctor to the family vetoed marriage and advised the parents to get the girl educated and make her self-reliant. The girl was happy and everyone was happy.

Love is the most Beautiful feeling in the world until it happens to your daughter !

And then came the earth-shattering day. A middle aged man and a woman came calling asking for the girl's hand in marriage for their son. There were several issues here. The boy was from another community. He was almost a decade older to her. He had bouts of Alcohol addiction and delinquent behavior in the past. He was not good looking by conventional standards. The final part of the complaint list was that he was working in the middle east for not very flattering remuneration. But in spite of all this, the boy was confident of looking after the girl well.

It was always believed that Renuka was a sensible girl. But she confirmed her affair and wanted to marry that boy. Now the parents came knocking at the family Doctor's door. It was after all infatuation of a teenaged girl everyone thought. The affair had been going on for over 4 years which meant she was not even 16 when it all began. 

Weighing all pros and cons, the Doctor took the girl to his home and held series of heart to heart talk with her. Explaining all the risks of the affair, he managed to convince the girl out of the mess. She appeared to have understood what was told and agreed to retrace without much of a resistance. She conveyed to the boy over the phone, her decision to part ways. 

The negatives of this marriage were kept threadbare before her. The social and cultural difference. The difference in educational qualification. The colossal mismatch when it came to looks and age. All these issues could work against a happy life according to Renuka's parents and relatives. 

Their worries were not unfounded. They were also worried about her ending up in a Gulf country with no chance to work. Even if she got a chance to work, she perhaps would have to live in a Burqa. But the worst fears were about the boy with previous history of Alcohol problem developing inferiority complex due to a much younger, extremely beautiful and better qualified wife and thus the life going into a tailspin.

Good proposals were always chasing the girl and it was almost decided that she would be marrying a handsome Software Engineer working at Bangalore and even she consented. She looked  happy and didn't show any signs of remorse or betrayal.

On that fateful Saturday morning, the boy came with his sister, brother in law and friends and literally dragged the girl away with him. The girl actually had never given up on him but was just biding her time. She pushed her parents and went away with her lover and was married him the same day with the photographs adorning Facebook wall before dusk.

In a Mills and Boon story or in a Cinema, this would have been 'The End' with 'They lived happily ever after' ingrained on a picture postcard. But life works in a different way. There are no intervals, no retakes and no song and dance sequences in the Alps. In life, the story only begins with marriage. It doesn't end. So what did this moment of madness leave behind ?

Twenty years of protection, love, affection and care weighed for absolutely nothing when she pushed her mother away, snapped her hands from her father's grip and eloped. Fearing retaliation and attempts to take her back, the boy took her to another city 5 hours away and married her there. What did the girl's parents do ?

The mother cried for help. The father ran behind her till the car even as they pushed him away from the speeding car. The mother fainted and then people gathered. Advises came in galore. Lodging a Police complaint and going and trying to capture her from Registration office were some of the suggestions. But the Doctor said, "She is almost 21. She has not been kidnapped but gone on her own wish. So there she goes. We can do nothing and we should do nothing. Let her go. It is her life, she will decide from here onwards".

After fours days, what is the situation at ground zero today ? The mother is still sobbing, little realizing the fact that the little girl she brought up had grown up and fled. She still is not able to eat anything without puking. She can't sleep even with sleeping pills. Her father has developed high blood pressure and his sugar shot up. He refuses to go for a check up. The little brother is so shattered, he doesn't even want to talk about her.

Their world has come down crashing. The parents are today, practically two dead bodies living like refugees in a relative's house because they are scared to go home. That home which brought back the fond memories of their little girl and that house which reminded them of the trauma of their daughter pushing them away like strangers.

Without really going into the merits or demerits of love marriage vs arranged marriage; the moot point here is, "Should she have been so cruel, so drastic and so heartless ?". Love stories look beautiful on celluloid and digitally mastered disks. But in real life, they leave many an individuals shattered. 

The role of love and the progressive disdain for religions, hierarchy and caste system are fine indeed for a maturing society. But when a 20 year old and still immature girl elopes with an overtly mismatched boy, how can the parents be happy ? How can anyone related to the girl be comfortable ? 

Everyone wishes all good things for the wedded couple. Nobody wants to curse them. This Blogger who also happens to be the family Doctor in the story has watched and seen many love stories and even played supporting role in some of those happy endings. But this is one story where he was with the parents and not with the love-lorn couple. The reasons have already been discussed.

Seeing a completely shattered pair of parents who don't even know how they are going to live their life is really painful. They have lost their urge to live. The little boy is the only reason they haven't committed suicide. The mother finally opened up last night when she said, "12 years ago, if you had not stopped us from aborting the boy, we would have been dead by now. But for the fear of leaving him a complete orphan, we wouldn't have made it past that Saturday night !"

The pain is infectious, insufferable and looks insurmountable !

Why and how could she become so ungrateful and selfish ?

This Blogger waits for the time to heal their wounds !

Look-ing Back: Pandi-monium, CBI Diary and other stories !

During one of my interactions on a Facebook group, someone asked me about the lack of law and order with my hair and if it had anything to do with my being too busy to comb. I escaped saying my hair was too straight and sparse and hence wavered along the wind making it tough to keep under control.

My hairstyle being the root cause of public nuisance and intense ridicule isn't a new phenomenon. It has always been so ! But even my appearance has come under the scanner very often. So let me recount some of the instances that have made me feel like an alien.

Seth Dosa

In early days in Kochi as a bachelor, I used to visit a famed Dosa joint practically every day for my midnight snacks while I prepared for the All India PG Medical Entrance Exam. This joint was run by a Konkani family. They didn't know me and I used to converse in my uncomfortable Malayalam with them.

After one and a half year in Kochi, I moved to a small hospital in Ponkunnam. While back in Kochi on a weekend, I again decided to visit this joint. Once there, the owner recognized me and told his brother in Konkani, "This Setu [used for North Indians] boy had probably gone north for some time. Now he is back".

I savored my favorite onion dosa without uttering a word. While leaving, I told them in Konkani, "Your dosas are really nice and the red chutney you serve is unique. It is typically Konkani in taste". I didn't wait for their reaction. The next time I was there, they had done their homework and knew my complete antecedents.

Long Sharp Mustache and the CBI Diary

I worked in Ponkunnam for almost 2 years. While there, I used to travel by bus to Kottayam frequently to watch latest Malayalam and Hindi movies. On one such journey, I was trying to catch some sleep. But the middle aged person next to me was in no mood to let the sleeping Doc sleep.

He poked me on my shoulder and asked, "Where are you going ?". I was annoyed, yet replied politely, "Kottayam" and closed my eyes again. He poked me again and asked, "Where in Kottayam ?". I was in no mood to divulge and hence sai, "Just like that". Then came the next question, "Where do you live ?". I said, "Ponkunnam". He wasn't happy with that and went ahead with, "No, which your native place ?". I too was determined now and replied, "Kochi".

There was a creepy smile on his face and he said, "You are not a Malayalee. You can't be from Kochi. Are you North Indian ?". I was having great difficulty keeping my eyes open and here was a pest not allowing me the pleasure of a short nap on a speeding bus. I said, "No, South Indian".

He must have been a leach in previous life; just not ready to quit sucking. His next question was, "What do you do ?". I said, "Nothing special". "But you should do something for a living. So what is your job ?" was his riposte. Then he asked, "Are you a businessman ?" I replied, "Mmmm, something like that". Pat came the next query, "What business ?".

Now I was at a loss. If I say something and he starts probing the answer, I'd be in further trouble. So I just smiled and said, "Just some small business here and there". He almost concluded, "That means you have a blade company, right ?". Too sick of this nuisance, I just nodded and tried to turn to the other side to catch some sleep.

After what seemed like a short break, the poke was back. He shook me up and said even as I was trying to catch my breath, "You were bluffing all the while. Now I have completely deciphered you. You are very shrewd. Now I know what you do. You are from CBI or Crime Branch and you are here to investigate a case in the high range".

I was still in a daze and asked him, "How did you make out ?". He triumphantly declared, "You may be CBI but we Malayalees are highly educated and intelligent you see. Your secretive behavior, your language, your looks, your color and above all that sharp mustache is very typical of CBI or Crime branch. You have that Police look". Must have been watching too many Police and CBI movies !

I have never been happier when a journey ended. First thing I did after going back home was to trim my extra long mustache !

North Indian Connections

Almost 17 years in Kochi and I still am not accepted as a local even though I have developed a decent client base in my profession. I also have a sizable Punjabi clientele thanks to my love for Hindi. I was at my daughter's school recently attending the district level arts festival. I am fairly well known there thanks to the popularity enjoyed by my daughter.

After her first performance and during lunch break, a gentleman came and told me, "Your daughter's performance was really nice. She should have won. But the CD spoiled everything and unfortunately she might lose because of that". I just nodded and smiled. He was right, she came second in the Folk Dance event due mainly to the substandard CD.

While I was still busy eating, I had a call from one of my Punjabi clients. As I was conversing in pretty decent Hindi, this gentleman kept staring at me. Once I finished, he came to me and said, "So I guessed right. You are North Indian. So are there Shenoys in North India too ? Your daughter and wife speak pretty decent Malayalam. How is that ?". I said "I am from the North is right, but just north of Kerala. My wife is from Kerala and daughter was born here too. That is why they speak decent Malayalam". This was a nice man. He took my reply and left me alone to mind my own business of eating.

Hot blooded Young Man and Pandi-monium 

It was on a night duty during my early days in Sudheendra Medical Mission. A young lady was brought to casualty with fever and vomiting. It was already past midnight. Her husband and father were accompanying her. I talked to her in whatever Malayalam I could muster and examined her.

As I sat down to write down the prescription, her husband asked me, "Doctor Pandiyaano ?" meaning, "Doctor are you a Pandi ?". By this time, I had come to understand that 'Pandi' was an insult the Malayalees used to refer to the daily wages workers from rural Tamilnadu. 24 is a very very tough age to control your temper even for a Doctor. I retorted, "Ningalkku Vattundo ?" meaning "Are you mad ?".

Stunned, that man asked, "Why do you talk like that ? What is this ? You are insulting me". By now, I had realized I might have crossed the line. Yet, I had to defend myself. I said, "See my Malayalam might not be good enough. But I have enough knowledge about this state to understand 'Pandi' is an insult. I am here at this goddamned hour examining your wife and trying to help you people and you are out to insult me. That put the doubt in my mind".

His father in law intervened and said, "Come on Doctor, he is a young man with hot blood. You should be generous". I politely reacted to the older man, "Sir, I am at least 4 - 5 years younger to your young man and hence my blood must be hotter. Why should I suffer an insult like that ?".

The 'young man' had cooled down now and said, "I did not mean to insult you Doctor. I just asked if you were a Tamilian". I too replied with utmost cool now, "Oh, now that is much better. If you had used the same word earlier, everything would have been fine. Anyway, let us move on. And no, I am NOT a Tamilian".

There have been many a Pandemonium of different magnitudes before and since. Perhaps I can keep them for another day and another post !




Dr. Punned-it

All are equal, yet some people are less equal !

Just take a look at the news item and some of the badly Photoshopped photos here and then we will proceed with the post.

They hate him, but why ?

So too Sreesanth ?

Launch Pad !

One of my colleagues told me, "I will not watch 'Indian Rupee' because Prithviraj is there". I asked, "But why ? It is a Ranjith movie and Prithvi has done a good job.". She told, "But he is too arrogant". I persisted with, "How do you know ? Has he ever been so with you ? Did he ever offend you ? What was it that he did or said that came across as arrogant ?". She replied, "Haven't you seen the videos of Prithviraj and his wife talking about English ?"

Well, I must say I have an issue. I am posting here what I thought about 'La affaire Prithviraj'.

In 2003, the handsome bearded younger son of Late Sukumaran and Mallika made his debut in Malayalam Cinema. Soon he was lapped up by people and was touted by the media as the next Superstar to replace the 'arrogant' Mammootty and Mohan Lal.

Today, we see a whole load of slander on the www and in the print media about the same prospective Superstar. He was fine even till a year ago. Many people used to say he has a little bit of head weight. But there was no witch hunt ! How did the things change so drastically ? Did he turn arrogant overnight ? Has success gone into his head ?

Let me digress a little bit here. I drive on Kochi roads every day. Every single day, I am witness to enormous amount of aggression and plain bullying by drivers on the road. The Auto rickshaw drivers overtake from the wrong side, brush your side and break your rear-view mirror and then shout you down with choicest of abuses in Malayalam. What do you call this ?

The big brother is even worse. The bus drivers will subjugate you with sheer overwhelming terrorism. By chance if you question their rashness, you will have to face a barrage of abuses and be prepared to get banged. Even if you maintain equanimity, you still might have to suffer 'Theri Vili' or calling names.

Go to a Cinema hall. You see a guy smoking inside the air-conditioned hall and politely request him not to smoke. What next ? "This Theater is not your father's property. Shut up and sit there. If you can't tolerate, get out !".

Visit any office where they have some powers to make you wait. The Clerk will make you wait even if you are there for a simple one minute job. If you request for quick results, be ready to hear things like, "This is not any charitable institution. You have to wait. If you can't wait, come tomorrow". Just to submit a fully updated application, you will have to "Come tomorrow" if the person in power is in a foul mood. And tomorrow will always have another tomorrow !

Just browse through Facebook and Orkut pages of young people. For every modest youth, you will see two bragging about their own prowess, looks, caliber, magnanimity and intelligence. Guys who can't differentiate an out swing from an off break will judge Sreesanth and girls who refuse to recognize their childhood friend due to difference in social status will complain about 'arrogance' of Prithviraj.

Prithviraj and Sreesanth have slogged on their way to achieve what they have today. It is perfectly possible that they would have been better off with a milder attitude. It is also possible Sreesanth would have played more tests if he were to behave like an obedient boy.

But as a race, we Indians in general and Malayalees in particular have an attitude problem. If players like Andre Nel and Steven Finn show aggression, we envy that and even admire that secretly. But when an Indian shows aggression on field, we castigate him, subjugate him and then would do our best to consign him to recycle bin.

It is so immensely funny that these people, the Auto Rickshaw driver, his big brother, the smoker bully, the clerk and the unknown Facebooker are the ones who will sit on judgement on how Prithviraj and Sreesanth should conduct themselves ! It is true that there are so many good mannered people out there who too are complaining about Prithviraj and Sreesanth. But these are the same people who suffer the bullies in everyday life without even a whimper.

Ours is a democracy where all are supposed to be equal. We all know some are more equal. But there are some who are less equal ! I don't know the reason, but there definitely seems to be pattern to this witch hunt against those who show a mind of their own. Prithviraj especially has been targeted by the press after he married secretly keeping the nosy media out of his wedding function.

When it comes to judging celebrities, the middle-class follows a new path. "All are equal, yet some are less equal" !

WHY IS IT SO ?

Coming to the final part of my post, there is another 'pet hate' of the middle class Malayalee; Ranjini Haridas. This bubbly girl who has worked her way into celebrity status has been ridiculed for her dresses, her accent, her Malayalam [Manglish] and for just being Ranjini Haridas. Men don't have pangs about staring at her and young women burn with envy looking at this 30 year old.

Idea Stare Singer !

And who are complaining ? It is those people who are ashamed to say, "Ende Bharthaavu" and would always say, "Ende Husband" or even worse, "Ende Hus" that suspiciously sounds like "Ende Husk". The middle-class Malayalees just don't bother when words like 'Mol' and 'Marumagan' get displaced by 'Daughter' and 'Son in law'. For quite long now, I have not heard any man or woman telling, "Ende Ammayi-achchan", it is always "Ende Father in law".

Buses plying through Kadavanthara don't go "Kadavanthara vazhi" but "Via Kadavanthara" or "Kadavanthara touch cheythu pokum". Haven't seen a 'Paatta' in a long time. There are only cockroaches or roaches in Kerala. Nobody gets "Thala vedana"now. "Oru bhayankara headache" is common. This list is endless.

And Ranjini Haridas is bad because she mutilates Malayalam. Right?

Post Script: This post isn't about defending Sreesanth, Prithviraj and Ranjini. They are quite successful and can fend and defend for themselves. This is my view on the double standards practiced by the opinion makers and religiously followed by the middle class.




Dr. Punned-it