Baba, Gobi Manchurian and Thanda Pani : मेरा भारत महान !

Often I think India isn't all about "Unity in diversity" as much as it is about "Diversity in Unity". It is only the borders and the Cricket team that keep us together. Regions, religions, zones, castes, sub-castes, reservations and then languages; we have too many things to keep us divided. And I don't even have to mention Paes, Bhoopati and our politicians.

Indian languages are all so similar yet so different. For an outsider, all of them look and sound similar. But we know how different they are. Kannada and Telugu scripts look so similar but the languages are poles apart. Tamil and Malayalam look and often sound similar but Tamil has too few letters and Malayalam, too many !

My teenaged daughter was getting ready to school. I saw her applying Kohl [Kajal] to her eyes and asked, "Are you going to school or to a fashion parade ?". She replied in Konkani what can be directly translated as, "Our teachers scold us if we go to school without writing the eyes". I was taken aback by the reply and asked her, "What do you mean ?". She said, "Appe, in Malayalam they say just that !"

That is when it occurred to me. In Malayalam they say, "കണ്ണെഴുതി പൊട്ടും തൊട്ടു വരണം" - "Kannezhuthi Pottum Thottu varanam" which means "You should apply kohl to eyes and apply bindi on forehead when you come to school".

That triggered off a thought. If a Malayalee teacher were to express the same in Hindi, what would she say ? "आँख लिख कर बिंदी छु कर आना !" or "Aankh likh kar, bindi choo kar aana". We think in our mother tongue and then translate it word by word into other languages, often leading to this kind of gaffe.

Tamil probably can create the maximum confusion for the uninitiated who try to read or write Tamil. A simple illustration: "பாபா", the same written word can be pronounced as "Baba", "Bapa", "Paba", "Papa", "Bhabha" and "Fafa". I will never be able to know which "பாபா" is this "பாபா" !

"காந்திமதி" is "कान्तिमती" or "Kantimati"; an Indian name of a girl, which means "Bright mind". But ask most people of Tamilnadu and they think it is "Gandhimathi" which means "Gandhi's mind". Now I don't want to know which Gandhi they mean !

At the other end of the spectrum is the Tamil name "தண்டபாணி". Mostly people spell it as "Dandapani". But some people prefer to spell it as "Thandapani" and then it becomes funny. A north Indian would read it as "ठंडा पानी" which stands for "Cold Water".

Cauliflower is an innocent vegetable well known as "गोबी का फूल" or "Gobi ka phool" in Hindi. It is famous because of the universally popular Indo-Chinese collaboration called "Gobi Manchurian". But in Tamilnadu, it becomes "Kopi Manchurian". The neighborhood boy "Gopi" becomes "Gobi" in Kerala. If Gopi is eating Gobi Manchurian and a Tamilian and a Malayalee and a north Indian have to talk about this, it sure is bound to cause enough diversity !

I've heard, people of Bengal, Assam and Orissa predominantly use 'O' in place of 'A'. So my doubt is what will happen to our Bollywood icons "Amar, Akbar, Anthony" ? Will they become "Omor, Okbor, Onthony" ? My lack of exposure to the North East helps because my already confused mind can't withstand any more of that.

The level of knowledge of Indians about India is really pathetic. A lot of Malayalees think the language I speak [Konkani] is from Karnataka because I am from Karnataka and they ask me, "Is it Telunk ?". A large number of people in Karnataka don't know Tamil and Malayalam are two different languages. Most of North Indians still call all South Indians, "Madrasis" even in 2012.

North Indian serials and movies still show South Indians as the bumbling dark man in shabbily worn mundu with the name, Mr. Aiyer. The level of ignorance of these people is exposed by the fact that Babita, the Bengali wife of Mr. Aiyer in "Tarak Mehta Ka Oolta Chasma" calls him Aiyer and not by his first name. South Indian men are almost always shown as educated but somehow they are always selling coconuts wearing feminine expressions and the "Ayyayyo" has to be repeated every 3 minutes. And the typical Sardarji has to be an idiot. Contempt for 'the others' is our nature !

Wife calls her husband, "Aiyer"

Internet is brimming with people fighting about 'OUR' state and language being better and other people being suckers. Kannada vs Tamil fights, Telugu vs Tamil fights, Mallus vs Others fights, North vs South fights, Bongs vs Others fights and Us vs them fights ! There are hardly any Indians we see and then we proudly proclaim, "मेरा भारत महान" or "Mera Bharat Mahaan". In Kerala, a lot of people would pronounce it as "Mera Pharat Mahaan" !

In spite of all these, we Indians are indeed "Mahaan", because we still exist, survive and flourish together !



Dr. Punned-it

ಕತ್ತೆ ಬಾಲದ ಕಥೆ : ಒಂದು ಮಹಾ ಪ್ರಬಂಧ

 "ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು ಸಾರ್ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು"

ಕತ್ತೆ ಒಂದು ಬಹು ಸಾಧು ಪ್ರಾಣಿ. ಇದಕ್ಕೆ ನಾಲ್ಕು ಕಾಲು, ಎರಡು ಕಣ್ಣು, ಎರಡು ಮೂಗು ಮತ್ತು ಎರಡು ಕಿವಿಗಳಿವೆ. ಶರೀರದ ಮುಂಭಾಗದಲ್ಲಿ ಒಂದು ಬಾಯಿ ಹಾಗೂ ಹಿಂಭಾಗದಲ್ಲಿ ಒಂದು ಕತ್ತೆಬಾಲದಂಥ ಬಾಲ ಇದೆ. ಬಾಯಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ತುಂಬಾ ಹಲ್ಲುಗಳಿವೆ ಮತ್ತು ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಕಿರಿಚಾಡಲು ಒಂದು ಉದ್ದದ ನಾಲಿಗೆ ಇದೆ.

ಕತ್ತೆ ಕುದುರೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಇರುವ ಆದರೆ ಕುದುರೆ ಅಲ್ಲದ ಕುದುರೆಯ ವಂಶಕ್ಕೆ ಸೇರಿದ ಜೀವಿ. ಆದರೆ ಇದು ಹೀನ ಜಾತಿಯ ಪ್ರಾಣಿ ಆದುದರಿಂದ ಇದನ್ನು ಎಲ್ಲರು ಕತ್ತೆ ಎಂದು ಹೀಗಳೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಜೀಬ್ರ ಎಂಬುದು ಇದೇ ವಂಶಕ್ಕೆ ಸೇರಿದ ಮಿಶ್ರ ಜಾತಿಯ ವಿದೇಶದಿಂದ ಆಮದು ಮಾಡಿದ ಪ್ರಾಣಿ.

ದನ, ಎಮ್ಮೆ, ಆಡು ಹಾಗೂ ಒಂಟೆಯ ಹಾಲು ಕುಡಿಯುವ ಮನುಷ್ಯರಾರೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಹಾಲು ಕುಡಿಯುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಇದು ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಇರುವ ಕೀಳರಿಮೆ ಕಾರಣವಾಗಿ ಎಂದು ತೋರುತ್ತದೆ. ಆದರೆ ಇದರಿಂದ ಸತ್ಯವಾದ ಲಾಭ ಆಗುವುದು ಕತ್ತೆಮರಿಗೆ. ಅದರ ಪಾಲಿನ ಹಾಲನ್ನು ಯಾರೂ ಕದ್ದು ಕುಡಿಯುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಹೀಗೆ ನೋಡಿದರೆ ಕತ್ತೆಮರಿ ಬಹು ಭಾಗ್ಯಶಾಲಿ.

ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಸಂಸ್ಕೃತದಲ್ಲಿ "ಗಾರ್ಧಬ" ಎಂಬ ಶುಭ ನಾಮವಿದೆ. ಹಿಂದಿಯಲ್ಲಿ "ಗಧಾ" ಎಂದೂ, ತಮಿಳ್ ಹಾಗೂ ಮಲಯಾಳಂನಲ್ಲಿ "ಕಳ್ಹುದ" ಎಂದೂ ತೆಲುಗಿನಲ್ಲಿ "ಗಾಡಿದ" ಎಂದೂ ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ. "ಕತ್ತೆಗೇನು ಗೊತ್ತು ಕಸ್ತೂರಿ ಪರಿಮಳ" ಎಂದು ಹಿರಿಯರು ಹೇಳಿದ ಗಾದೆ ನಿಜವಾಗಿಯೂ ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಮಾಡಿದ ಮಹಾ ದ್ರೋಹ ಹಾಗೂ ಅವಮಾನ. ಕತ್ತೆಯನ್ನು ಕನ್ನಡದಲ್ಲಿ ಮುದ್ದಾಗಿ "ಕತ್ತೇ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯುವ ಅಷ್ಟು ಸೊಗಸಾಗಿ ಬೇರೆ ಭಾಷೆಗಳಲ್ಲಿ ಕರೆಯಲು ಆಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ ಎಂಬುದು ಸತ್ಯ.

"ಕಾರ್ಯವಾಸಿ ಕತ್ತೆ ಕಾಲು ಹಿಡಿ" ಎನ್ನುವ ಗಾದೆ ಯಾರೋ ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಒದೆ ತಿಂದ ದುಷ್ಟ ಹಾಗೂ ಸೇಡಿನ ಮನೋಭಾವದ ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿ ಮಾಡಿದ್ದಿರಬೇಕು. ಒದೆ ಖಂಡಿತ ಎಂದು ತಿಳಿದ ಯಾರಾದರು ಕತ್ತೆ ಕಾಲೋ ಬಾಲವೋ ಹಿಡಿಯುತ್ತಾರೇನು ?

ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಕುದುರೆಯ ಎತ್ತರವಿಲ್ಲ ಮತ್ತು ಕುದುರೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಓಡಲು ಬರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ, ಆದುದರಿಂದ ಇದನ್ನು ಕುದುರೆ ಓಟದ ಪಂದ್ಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಓಡಿಸಲಾಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಕತ್ತೆ ಒಂದು ಸಸ್ಯಾಹಾರಿ ಪ್ರಾಣಿ. ಆದರೆ ಇದಕ್ಕೆ ಕಸ, ಹುಲ್ಲು, ಪ್ಲಾಸ್ಟಿಕ್ ಮತ್ತು ರಸ್ತೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಸಿಗುವ ಯಾವುದೇ ವಸ್ತುವನ್ನು ತಿಂದು ಅರಗಿಸಿಕೊಳ್ಳುವ ಶಕ್ತಿ ಇದೆ. ಆದುದರಿಂದ "ಕತ್ತೆ ಮೇದಲ್ಲಿ ಮತ್ತೆ ಮೇವಿಲ್ಲ" ಎಂದು ಹೇಳುತ್ತಾರೆ.

ನಮ್ಮ ಗಣಿತದ ಮೇಸ್ಟ್ರು ಒಮ್ಮೆ ನಮ್ಮ ಸಹಪಾಟಿ ರಾಮುವನ್ನು ದನಕ್ಕೆ ಬಡಿಯುವ ಹಾಗೆ ಬಡಿಯುವಾಗ ಅವನು ಕರ್ಕಶವಾಗಿ ಕೂಗಿದನು. ಆವಾಗ ಮೇಷ್ಟ್ರು "ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ಕೂಗಬೇಡ, ಗೂಬೆ" ಎಂದು ಹೇಳಿದರು. ಕತ್ತೆಗೂ ಗೂಬೇಗು ಏನು ಸಂಬಂಧ ಎಂದು ನಮಗೆ ಅರ್ಥವಾಗಲಿಲ್ಲ. ಆದರೆ ಮೇಷ್ಟ್ರ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಕೇಳಲು ಯಾರಿಗೂ ಧೈರ್ಯವಿರಲಿಲ್ಲ. ದನದ ಹಾಗೆ ಏಟು ತಿನ್ನಬೇಕಾಗಬಹುದು ಎನ್ನುವ ಭಯದಿಂದಯಾರೂ ಬಾಯಿ ಬಿಡಲಿಲ್ಲ.

ನಮ್ಮ ಅಮ್ಮ ದಿನಾ ಸಂಜೆ ಭಜನೆ ಹಾಡುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಆವಾಗಲೆಲ್ಲ ನಮ್ಮ ಅಪ್ಪ ಮನೆಯ ಹೊರಗೆ ಬಂದು ನಿಂತುಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತಾರೆ. "ಏಕಪ್ಪ ನೀವು ಈ ಹೊತ್ತೆಲ್ಲ ಹೊರಗೆ ನಿಂತು ಸೊಳ್ಳೆಯ ಕಡಿತಕ್ಕೆ ಬಲಿಯಾಗುತ್ತೀರಾ ?" ಎಂದು ಕೇಳಿದಾಗ, ಅಪ್ಪ ಹೇಳಿದರು, "ನೋಡಪ್ಪ, ನಿನ್ನ ಅಮ್ಮ ಹೀಗೆ ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ಹಾಡುವಾಗ ನಮ್ಮ ನೆರೆಮನಯವರೆಲ್ಲ ನಾನು ಒಳಗಡೆ ನಿನ್ನ ಅಮ್ಮನನ್ನು ಹೊಡೆಯುತ್ತೇನೆಂದು ತಪ್ಪು ತಿಳಿದು ಕೊಳ್ಳದಿರಲು ಹೀಗೆ ಹೊರಗೆ ನಿಂತು ಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತೇನೆ".

ಧನ್ಯವಾದ: ಫಡ್ನಿಸ್

ಆವಾಗ ನನ್ನ ಸಂಶಯ ಇನ್ನೂ ಜಾಸ್ತಿ ಆಯಿತು. "ಗೂಬೆಗೂ, ರಾಮು ಕಿರಿಚಾಡುವುದಕ್ಕೂ, ಅಮ್ಮ ಹಾಡುವುದು ಹಾಗೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಕೂಗುವುದಕ್ಕೂ ಏನಪ್ಪಾ ಸಂಬಂಧ ?" ಎಂದು ಅಪ್ಪನ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಕೇಳಿದೆ. ಆಗ ಅವರು ಹೇಳಿದರು, "ನಾನು ನಿನ್ನ ಅಮ್ಮನ ಹಾಡು ಮಾತ್ರ ಸಹಿಸಿ ಇನ್ನೂ ಬದುಕಿದ್ದೀನಪ್ಪಾ. ಇನ್ನು ನಿನ್ನ ಗೆಳೆಯನ ಕೂಗು ಸಹಿಸುವ ಶಕ್ತಿ ನನಗಿಲ್ಲ. ಆದುದರಿಂದ ನನಗೆ ಈ ವಿಷಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಏನು ಹೇಳಲು ಆಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ" ಎಂದು ಹೇಳಿದರು.

ಹೀಗೆ ನನ್ನ ಸಂಶಯ ಸಂಶಯವಾಗಿಯೇ ಉಳಿಯಿತು. ಹಾಗಿರುವಾಗ ಒಂದು ದಿನ ನಮ್ಮ ದೂರದ ಸಂಬಂಧಿ ಜಟಾಯು ಮಾಮ ಮನೆಗೆ ಬಂದರು. ಅಪ್ಪ ಅವರನ್ನು ಊಟ ಮಾಡೀನೇ ಹೋಗಬೇಕು ಎಂದು ಒತ್ತಾಯ ಮಾಡಿದರು. ಆಗ ಅಮ್ಮ ಅಪ್ಪನನ್ನು ಒಳಗೆ ಕರೆದು ಹೇಳಿದರು, "ಏನ್ರಿ, ನಿಮಗೆ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪಾನಾದ್ರೂ ಬುದ್ಧಿ ಇದ್ಯೆನ್ರಿ ? ಈ ಜಟಾಯು ಬಂದ್ರೆ ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ಮಾಡಿದ್ದೆಲ್ಲ ತಿಂದು ಹೋಗ್ತಾರೆ. ಮನೇಲಿರೋ ನಮ್ಮ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಏನಾದ್ರೂ ಕಾಳಜಿ ಇದ್ಯೆನ್ರಿ ನಿಮಗೆ ?"

ನಮ್ಮ ನೆರೆಮನೆಯ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಆಂಟಿ ಯಾವಾಗಲು ಅಮ್ಮನ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಅವರ ಅತ್ತೆಯನ್ನು "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದೇ ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಅಮ್ಮ, "ಯಾಕ್ರೀ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಹೀಗೆ ಹೇಳ್ತೀರಾ ?" ಎಂದು ಕೇಳಿದರೆ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಆಂಟಿ ಹೇಳ್ತಾರೆ, "ನೋಡ್ರೀ ಅಕ್ಕ, ಈ ಮುದಿ ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ಯಾವಾಗ ನೋಡಿದರು ನನ್ನ ತಪ್ಪು ಕಂಡು ಹಿಡಿಯೋದೇ ಕೆಲಸ. ನೀವೂ ಇದ್ದೀರಾ, ದಿನಾ ನನ್ಹತ್ರ ಊಟ ಆಯ್ತಾ ? ಅಂತ ಕೇಳ್ತೀರಾ. ಈ ಕತ್ತೆಗೆ ನಾನ್ ಸತ್ರು ಬೇಜಾರಿಲ್ಲ. ಪಾಪ ಸಂಜೆ ಬರುವಾಗ ನಮ್ಮೋರ್ ಹತ್ರಾನು ಫಿರ್ಯಾದಿ ಮಾಡಿ ಜೀವನ ಎಲ್ಲ ಹಾಳು ಮಾಡ್ತಾರೆ. ನೀವೇ ಹೇಳಿ ನಾನು ಏನ್ ಮಾಡ್ಲಿ ?"

ಆಮೇಲೆ ಒಂದು ದಿನ ಸಂಜೆ ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಅವರ ಅತ್ತೆ ರತ್ನಮ್ಮ ಅವರು ಅಮ್ಮನ ಹತ್ತಿರ ಹೇಳಿದ್ದು ಕೇಳಿದೆ, "ರೀ ಭಾರತಿ ಅವ್ರೆ, ಬನ್ರಿ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಹೊತ್ತು ಮಾತಾಡೋಣ. ಎಷ್ಟು ದಿನ ಆಯ್ತು ನಿಮ್ಹತ್ರ ಒಂದು ಮಾತಾಡಿ. ನಮ್ಮನೆ ಕತ್ತೆ ತವರುಮನೆಗೆ ಹೋಗಿದೆ. ಮನೇಲಿದ್ರೆ ಯಾವಾಗಲೂ ಏನಾದ್ರೂ ಅವಾಂತರ ಮಾಡ್ತಾನೆ ಇರುತ್ತೆ. ಈಗಲೇ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಶಾಂತಿಯಿಂದ  ಇರೋಕ್ಕಾಗುತ್ತೆ. ಪಾಪ ನಮ್ಮ ಗೋಪಿ ಹಸುವಿನಂಥ ಸ್ವಭಾವ. ಇವಳಾದ್ರೆ ಜಗಳಗಂಟಿ ಶೂರ್ಪನಖಿ ತರದ ಹುಡುಗಿ. ಎಲ್ಲಿಂದ ಸಿಕ್ತೋ ಇವಂಗೆ, ನಮ್ಮ ಹಣೆಬರಹ".

ನಮ್ಮಪ್ಪ ಅಮ್ಮನನ್ನು, ಅಮ್ಮ ಜಟಾಯು ಮಾಮನನ್ನು ಕತ್ತೆ ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯತ್ತಾರೆ. ಜಟಾಯು ಮಾಮ ಒಮ್ಮೆ ಹೇಳಿದ್ರು, "ನಿಮ್ಮ ಗಣಿತದ ಮೇಷ್ಟ್ರು ಒಂದು ದೊಡ್ಡ ಕತ್ತೆ ಕಣಪ್ಪ. ಚಿಕ್ಕ ಮಕ್ಕಳನ್ನೆಲ್ಲ ಕೆಟ್ಟದಾಗಿ ಬಡೀತಾನೆ. ಏನು ಒಂದು ಚೂರು ಮನುಷ್ಯತ್ವಾನೆ ಇಲ್ಲಾಂದ್ರೆ ?". ಈ ರಾಮು ಎಂಬ ಹುಡುಗ ಅವ್ರ ಮಗ.

ನಮ್ಮ ಶಾಲೆಯ ಮಿಟುಕಲಾಡಿ ಹಾಗು ಅಹಂಕಾರಿ ಎಂದು ಹೆಸರು ಪಡೆದ ಅಭಿರಾಮಿ ಒಮ್ಮೆ, ನಮ್ಮ ಮುಂದಿನ ಬೆಂಚಿನಲ್ಲಿ ಕುಳಿತಾಗ ಬಹು ಪೋಕ್ರಿಯಾದ ರಾಜು ಎಂಬ ಹುಡುಗ ಅವಳ ಪಾನಿ ಟೈಲ್ ಗೆ ಒಂದು ಚೀಟಿ ಕಟ್ಟಿ ಹಾಕಿದ. ಅದರಲ್ಲಿ "ಇದು ಕತ್ತೆ ಬಾಲ" ಎಂದು ಬರೆದಿತ್ತು. ಇದು ಕೈಗೆ ಸಿಕ್ಕಿದಾಗ ಅವಳು ತಿರುಗಿ ನೋಡಿದಳು. ನಾನೇನೂ ಮಾಡದೆ ಇದ್ದರೂ ಅವಳು ನನ್ನ ಕೆನ್ನೆಗೆ ಹೊಡೆದು "ನೀನೆ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಹೇಸರಗತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಬೈದಳು. ನನಗೆ ತುಂಬಾ ಸಿಟ್ಟು ಬಂದು ಅವಳನ್ನು ವಾಚಾಮಗೋಚರವಾಗಿ ಬಯ್ಯಬೇಕು ಅಂದುಕೊಂಡೆ. ಆದರೆ ಅವಳ ಕೆಂಪಾದ ಕೆನ್ನೆ ಹಾಗೂ ಮಿಂಚುವ ಕಣ್ಣುಗಳನ್ನು ನೋಡಿ ನನಗೆ ಏನೇನೂ ಹೇಳಲು ಆಗಲಿಲ್ಲ. ನನ್ನ ಬೇಸರ ಕಂಡು ಪಾಪ ರಾಮು ಹೇಳಿದ, "ಹೋಗಲಿ ಕಣೋ, ನೀನೇನೂ ಮಾಡದೆ ಇದ್ದರೂ ಅವಳು ನಿನಗೆ ಹೊಡೆದಳು ಮತ್ತೆ ಬೈದಳು. ಸತ್ಯವಾಗಿ ಅವಳೇ ಕಣೋ ಕತ್ತೆ, ನೀನಲ್ಲ." ಎಂದು. ಹಾಗೆ ನನ್ನ ನೊಂದ ಮನಕ್ಕೆ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಸಮಾಧಾನವಾಯಿತು.

"Law is an ass" ಎಂದರೆ "ನಿಯಮ ಒಂದು ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಯಾರೋ ತಿಳಿದವರು ಹೇಳಿದ್ದಾರಂತೆ. ನಮ್ಮ ಮಂತ್ರಿಗಳು ಹಾಗೂ ರಾಜಕಾರಣಿಗಳು ಒಬ್ಬರು ಮತ್ತೊಬ್ಬರನ್ನು "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾ ಇರುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಆವಾಗಾವಾಗ ವಿಧಾನಸಭೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಕತ್ತೆ ನಾಯಿಗಳ ತರ ಹೊಡೆದಾಡಿಕೊಳ್ಲೋದನ್ನ ನಾವು ದೂರದರ್ಶನದಲ್ಲಿ ಕಾಣುತ್ತೇವೆ. ಆದರೆ ಸತ್ಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಇವರೆಲ್ಲ ಜನರನ್ನು ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು ಎಂದು ತಿಳಿದು ಹೊರಲಾಗದ ಕರಗಳನ್ನೆಲ್ಲ ನಮ್ಮ ಬೆನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ಹೊರಿಸುತ್ತಾರೆ ಎಂದು ಮಾಲಿನಿ ಆಂಟಿಯವರ ಗಂಡ ಗೋಪಿ ಅಂಕಲ್ ಹೇಳ್ತಾರೆ. ಅವರನ್ನೇ "ಯಾವಾಗ್ ನೋಡಿದರೂ ಆಫೀಸ್ ಕೆಲಸ ಅಂತ ಕತ್ತೆ ತರ ದುಡೀತಾನೆ. ಮನೆ ಕಡೆ ಚಿಂತೇನೆ ಇಲ್ಲ ಹುಡುಗನ್ಗೆ" ಅಂತ ಅವರ ಅಪ್ಪ ಬಯ್ಕೊಂತಾರೆ.

ಈ ಕತ್ತೆ ಬಾಲದ ಕಥೆ ಉದ್ದುದ್ದಕ್ಕೆ ಬೆಳೆಯುತ್ತಾ ಇದೆ. ನೋಡ್ತಾ ಹೋದ್ರೆ ಎಲ್ಲರೂ ಎಲ್ಲರನ್ನ "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಅಂತ ಕರೀತಾರೆ. ಸ್ವತಹ ತಮ್ಮನ್ನೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಅಂತ ಬಾಕಿಯವರು ಕರೆಯುತ್ತಾರೆ ಅಂತ ಯಾರಿಗೂ ಗೊತ್ತಿಲ್ಲ. ನನಗೆ ಮಾತ್ರ ಗೊತ್ತಿದೆ, ಯಾಕೇಂದ್ರೆ ಆ ಅಭಿರಾಮಿ ನನ್ನ ಮುಂದೇನೆ "ಹೇಸರಗತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆದದ್ದು. ಸತ್ಯವಾಗಿ ನೋಡಿದ್ರೆ ಅವಳೇ ಒಳ್ಳೆಯವಳು ಅಂತನಿಸುತ್ತೆ. ಏನಿದ್ರೂ ಮುಂದೇನೆ ಹೇಳಿದಳು. ಹಿಂದಿನಿಂದ ಹೀಗಳೆಯುವವರೇ ಜಾಸ್ತಿ ಇರುವ ಲೋಕದಲ್ಲಿ ಮುಖ ನೋಡಿ ಮುಂದೇನೆ ಹೇಳಿದ ಕೆಂಪು ಗಲ್ಲದ ಪಾನಿ ಟೈಲ್ ಹುಡುಗಿ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಬೇರೆ ತರ ಕಾಣಿಸಿದಳು. ಇದು ಆಶ್ಚರ್ಯ ಅಲ್ಲವೇ ?

ಏನೇ ಹೇಳಿದರೂ ಕತ್ತೆ ಎಂಬ ಮುದ್ದಾದ ಸಾಧು ಪ್ರಾಣಿಯನ್ನು ಹೀಗಳೆಯುವ ಮನುಷ್ಯರ ಸ್ವಭಾವ ನನಗೆ ತೀರ ಇಷ್ಟವಾಗಲಿಲ್ಲ. ಎಷ್ಟು ಭಾರ ಬೆನ್ನ ಮೇಲೆ ಹೊರಿಸಿದರೂ ಯಾವುದೇ ರೀತಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ವಿರೋಧಿಸದೆ ಅನವರತ ಕೆಲಸ ಮಾಡುವ ಕತ್ತೆಯೇ ನಿಜವಾದ ಕರ್ಮಜೀವಿ. 

ಮನುಷ್ಯರು ಒಬ್ಬರು ಒಬ್ಬರನ್ನು "ಕತ್ತೆ" ಎಂದು ಕರೆಯುವುದಲ್ಲದೆ ಕತ್ತೆಯ ಹಾಗೆ ಆಗಲು ಯಾರೂ ಶ್ರಮಿಸುವುದಿಲ್ಲ. ಕಷ್ಟಪಟ್ಟು ಕೆಲಸ ಮಾಡುವುದು ಯಾರಿಗೂ ಇಷ್ಟವಲ್ಲ. ಆದರೆ ಎಲ್ಲರ ಅಭಿಪ್ರಾಯದಲ್ಲಿ ತನ್ನ ಹೊರತು ಬಾಕಿ ಎಲ್ಲರೂ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು. ಹೀಗೆ ಇಷ್ಟವಲ್ಲದೆ ಇದ್ದರೂ ಎಲ್ಲರೂ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳೇ. ಕುರಿಗಳು ಸಾರ್ ಕುರಿಗಳು ಎಂದು ಯಾರೋ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಮನುಷ್ಯರು ಬರೆದಿದ್ದರಂತೆ. ಸತ್ಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಈ ಲೋಕವೆಲ್ಲ "ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು ಸಾರ್ ಕತ್ತೆಗಳು" !




Dr. Punned-it

Montek's monument: Shit happens !

A lot of shit has been washed down the flush since the controversy about the Rs. 35 lakhs toilet erupted. I thought it's better late than never to make my humble contribution to the load of shit-talk going on.

So what would be the reaction of different people once they see this 'monumental' toilets ?

Pratibha Patil: Oh shit, how could I have missed this place ? Immediately arrange a visit before the Presidential elections.

Manmohan Singh: Finally a place where I can shit in peace without worrying about all the shit that is going on around me.

Mamta Banerjee: This is shit neglect of Bengal. Either roll back the toilet of construct one Kolkotta.

Rahul Gandhi: This proves my theory of two Indias. There are millions who don't have decent toilets to shit and then we have such toilets but people who just can't shit.

The 'Other' India !

Digvijay Singh: This is a Sangh Parivar conspiracy to smear shit on the Congress and Gandhi-Nehru family. We will not allow them to succeed.

Kapil Sibal: Shit or no shit, we can prove that it is not a national waste but just a notional waste !

M. S. Dhoni: Well of course, there was no decent toilet facility in Siachen Glacier. We have to keep our calm and remember you can't win always. Shit happens, oops it happens. The final result is not in our hands, but we have to keep performing.

Sachin Tendulkar: Aila, I just said no for a bungalow. If I knew making shit was so expensive in Delhi, I would have said no to the Rajya Sabha seat also.

Virendra Sehwag: I will play my natural game. The kind of toilet doesn't change my approach to shit. If there is width, I will attack. There is no question of changing my approach.

Narendra Modi: It is a clear cut Italian conspiracy. They have used Italian tiles, Italian marbles and Italian granite and even Italian Engineers to please their Madam. They can even import Italian shit now.

Yeddiyurappa:  People of Karnataka want me back in my shit, I mean my seat. Otherwise people will bring down this illegal government with the help of illegal Kings of mine.

Baba Ramdev: I have a strong doubt, they have constructed this place not to make shit, but to hide the black money. Otherwise why are they planning to restrict visitors with card entry ?

Anna Hazare: With the money they have wasted, they could have passed the Jan Lokpal bill. Instead, they have made arrangement to pass motion. I prefer to fast till death than shit in those toilets !

Aamir Khan: Shit happens, but in the end, "Satyameva Jayate" will be a big hit !

Shah Rukh Khan: My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist. Then why this card for entry to a place where we go to shit ? Trust me, in Kolkotta, you can do it anywhere !

Salman Khan: Critics call my movies shit. This toilet cost just 35 lakhs. Sanjay Leela Bhansali's sets cost much more than that. And my movies make more than 100 Crores. Mujh par ek ehsaan kar ke mujh par koi ehsaan mat kar. I don't need anyone else' toilets. I will pass my own shit.

N. S. Sidhu: They have constructed such a monument for that purpose my friend, because the planning commission is full of big big ideas that in reality amount to just a whole load of monumental shit !

And finally...


Montek Singh Ahluwalia: Oye, shit ! I forgot my card. Now what will I do ? It is urgent... eeeeee !!!

Dr. Punned-it

Moun Mohan Singh and some Political Blasphemy !

 Finding no concrete substance to blog about, I had concentrated on micro-blogging on Facebook. Then it struck me, I can as well compile those 'photos' on the Blog for keeping things in one place apart from my page "Live, Love & Laugh" on Facebook.

So here is the new experimental post with a compilation of some of my posts on our Prime Minister. Some people found it obnoxious, below the belt and crude. But some people found it funny. Anyway, without any malice towards the elderly statesman, I bring my posts on our Prime Minister here.

This is about modern day Gandhi'ji's monkeys. This evoked some strong reactions !

This one is about 2 Sardar-jis and then the women who control them !

This was a cute photoshopped one I borrowed from the www and added English words where the original work had Marathi words.

This was about the Italian tourists capture, inspired by an SMS.

Needs no description !

After the Petrol price hike !

Dr. Punned-it

Small things that make a BIG difference !

Aamir Khan's "Satyameva Jayate" has evoked sharp reactions from people. People are talking about social evils. Female infanticide has become a topic of heated debate on Facebook and other social media. Some admire Aamir for his concern and some say, he is doing all this for money. I don't know the truth.

I was too 'small' to understand why my late Grandfather insisted upon putting off the oil wick in our pooja room every night. Later as a grown up, I realized it was not miserly behavior but just a precaution by an extremely wise man who cared for his home and family. We had a lot of rats in our large ancestral home and they could have easily put the house on fire at night if we were to leave the wick burning.

When in high-school, we had a lesson, "A spark neglected, burns the house". A small misunderstanding between two friends Ivan and Gabriel ends up ruining both the families before they could realize what had happened. This story actually helped me to understand the great old man better !

Four decades later, I look at people around me and often get frustrated by the absolute lack of care for public property, water, electricity and such things and most importantly the time. Every walk of like, we overlook the small things that will finally make a big difference. But we seldom realize them, give importance to them or do something to change them.

Leaking Pipes: Every place I have visited has a leaking pipe or a pipe that has been left open by someone who just doesn't care. We just don't care, do we ? Thousands of liters of purified chlorinated water is lost every day. We see a lot of places in our country thirsting for water and we see absolute lack of remorse while wasting water.

Every drop of water we are wasting is taking us one step towards a universal drought some day ! Can't we see this and understand this ? Can't we take the small step to change this to avert a disaster ?

Electricity:  Most of us rarely forget to switch off lights, fans and air-conditioners in our own homes. But we seldom care when we are at office or in public places. When it is in the office or a public place, nobody bothers to switch off a light or a fan when not in use. It isn't our property and hence not our duty or not our bother is the attitude. But is it true ?

WE are footing the 'Bill' for all this wastage. The public lights are lit with the taxes we pay. Should we waste it ? I shot this 'day-light robbery' of tax-payer's money on an evening on my way back home. This street lamp was lit at 4:10 PM as we can see bright day light behind the lamp. This wasn't the single lamp. Every single lamp along the road was lit.

We can ill-afford this, but this is what is happening in every state, every place and every nook and corner of our country. When I pointed this out, the general reaction was, "This is nothing. It happens everywhere". My question is, "But why ? Why does this happen everywhere ? Why should it happen at all ?" This happens because, "We just don't care !"

Day Light Robbery of Electricity !

Bad Roads: How a small hole unfilled in time becomes a POTHOLE is known to all of us. Yet our administration has mostly remained completely oblivious and that is how we have so many potholes littering our roads soon after every monsoon. "A Stitch in times saves nine". We have learned. But we some how prefer to wait till 9 and even 99 are necessitated.

POTHOLE in the making...

POTHOLES Family !

If we the people begin to question government, the rulers will have to answer and behave. Else we have the power to change them in the next elections and teach them a lesson. It is another matter that many of us don't even bother.

But before we exercise our powers, let us ask ourselves, "Are we doing our duties as citizens ? Are we doing the small things that matter ?"

Let us do the small things right. It is never too late to learn, reform and work for a better tomorrow !


Dr. Punned-it

Palm Wine, Fenny and My Experiments with Truth !

In Vino Veritas; In Wine Lies The Truth !

I have often been dismissed as a hopeless and completely useless appendage by my friends and advised to mend my ways for a hip, happy and happening life. My Mom comforts herself in the belief that her son is 'clean' at the age of 42. One good thing about me is there is at least one reason for my wife to be happy about her husband.

The reason for all this is that I don't 'drink'. Thus according to my friends, I have wasted almost 60% of my life while expecting to kick the bucket at 70. The tragedy if I die much earlier isn't just that I will be merely kicking the bucket. But I will be doing so by considerably increasing the percentage of the wasted life !

But am I really a teetotaler ? Historically speaking, nope ! I am not the 'good son' my Mom has always believed me to be. Nor my wife is fully right about my virgin status when it comes to the ultimate 'truth serum' also known as alcohol !

In vino veritas: In wine there is the truth. The centuries old wisdom has more than a pint of truth in it. I have seen most of my friends becoming extremely generous, emotional and truthful after downing a couple of pegs. So what if it isn't strictly wine they are consuming ? All forms of alcohol has been included in the category when they said, "In wine lies the truth". Perhaps the intensity of truth varies with the concentration of the serum in the liquid.

Can we actually say, "In wine lies the truth" ? Doesn't it becomes an oxymoron ? How can the truth lie ? Well, that wanders into the linguistic domain and that will require another post. I have written about the "Spiritual aspects of the Truth Serum" before. This is about MY experiments with the "Truth serum" and let me come back to that.

My earliest experiment with truth began at a very young boy, perhaps at 7 years of age. We used to have a guy called Chukudu bringing us freshly distilled 'Palm Wine'. It used to be sweet and very tasty. It was believed to be good for the underweight kids with lack of appetite. I was so underweight those days, even the good old 'Kallu' couldn't help my appetite. I don't remember when and why it stopped flowing. Perhaps the fear of boys growing up with addiction ended it all.

small G !

By the time I was 10 years old, I graduated to serious stuff.  There always was a stock of Goan Cashew Fenny in our home. It was supposed to be good for the cold and fever. Our grandfather used to give us this semi-sweet but funny tasting liquid in small ounce glasses when we had cold and fever. I don't know how I developed a liking for this stuff. On a fine rainy day, I ended up guzzling quite a lot of it in small quantities at small intervals without any of the elders coming to know. I replaced the liquid with equal quantity of water each time. I ended up sleeping almost an entire day and beyond after that. May be because I realized it was the effect of the burning liquid, I gave up on that. Even though nobody at home came to know of this adventure, grandpa was heard complaining about the Fenny having lost its potency !

Joining Medical College Bellary brought me to a new world. There were teenaged boys getting a feel of the freedom for the first time during hostel life. A lot of boys lost their alcohol virginity. I stayed off alcohol may be because of the financial implications or may be because of the promise I had made to my Mom. I am not sure if it was the good son or the helpless son who remained teetotaler.

But that doesn't mean I don't like alcohol. I have guzzled down those Ayurvedic "Arishtams" during childhood. I used to love them and I love them even today; especially the "Dashamoolarishtam". That definitely proves I do like alcohol when they come in the taste that suits me.

I have enjoyed the "Grape wine" prepared by Christian aunties in Kerala. Many of them have been kind to offer me bottles of this sweet and tasty beverage every year. I have stayed off this 'wine' for sometime now after I developed severe acidity following ingestion of a whole bottle of that during a holiday with my cousins in Nelliampathy about 6 years ago.

During our rainy holiday in Madikeri in August 2008, I obliged my friends and ordered some wine. But this wine was not the grape wine I had enjoyed. It turned out to be something stronger and hit me hard. I ended up with a burned tummy and a spinning head. But managed to survive to write this story.

Rain, Wine and Dine !

During our Bellary Alumni Reunion with the delicious acronym BAR in December 2010, Murali tried to graduate me with his brand of a cocktail or mock tail. But it turned out to be a knock-tail and was really damn-awful. I had to disappoint him and ended up as miserable as I always have been. But the BAR definitely was a great experience.

Raising the BAR !

Finally we come to "Zindagee Na Milegi Dobara" in December 2011 in Kundapur. The night of 26 December, I was finally convinced to take 'at least something'. So I took about 5ml of some drink and mixed it with 300ml of Sprite and then sat with the men as a man. Unfortunately, I still couldn't finish that drink. Next day on the island, Dabs forced me to finish off what was left at the bottom of a beer bottle. Thus finally, my hitherto wasted life has been given some kind of salvation  !

Truth seekers on isolated island !

Kingfisher Grounded !

Hence at last, I have truly and truthfully gained the legitimacy to say and write, "Live, Love and Laugh !"




Dr. Punned-it

If Mamata Banerjee were a Malayalee !

The native Malayalees and then the naturalized Malayalees like me don't really appreciate our politicians and keep on criticizing them. I attended a function last night, that was graced by a couple of ministers and a handful of politicians. They came across as simple people who took in their stride, a lot of bungling by the organizers and event-managers.

While watching all the Mal-function,  I had a nightmarish idea. What would have happened if some of those maverick leaders from other states were to be Malayalees ?

The answers are at once interesting as well as scary ! My first thought was about what would have happened if Mamata Banerjee were to be a Malayalee ?

She would have been Mamadha Bannerjee and would have been called 'Chechi' !

Chechi would have banned all the cartoons and the ban would have been a 'Bann' with an additional 'n'.

All pending railway projects in Kerala would have been completed and the Edappally railway over-bridge near Amrita hospital would have become a reality long ago and not remained a welcome arch for over a decade.

The Welcome Arch of Valappally !

But Edappally would have been renamed Valappally because 'Edathu' stands for 'Left'.

As the railways minster, Chechi would have demanded Rs. 5000 Crores from the exchequer for a railway line between Kochi and Dubai.

Kochi - Dubai Railway Line

Chechi would have banned the word 'Mallu' and the movie "Mallu Singh" would have been released as "Malayalee Singh". Else the Producer and Director of the movie would have been in jail.

'Cinemala' the popular spoof program on Asianet channel would have been history. All the parody artists in Kerala would have died of starvation or joined one of the leftist unions or become naxalites.

EMS, AKG and Punnapra - Vayalar struggle would have become history from the history text books in Kerala.

'Deshabhimani' wouldn't be available in Ernakulam public library.

The Zimbly slippers would have made a killing by projecting the leader as their unofficial brand-ambassador.

Zimbly Slippers !

Kochi Traffic Police who are happy barricading all right turns would have been forced to ban all left turns in the city. Kochi, Thiruvananthapuram and all cities in Kerala would have become 'No Left Turn' cities.

Luckily she never became a defense minister. Else a Lieutenant Colonel would have become Rightinant Colonel.

If she were to be the I & B Minister, the once popular television serial "Left Right Left" would have become "Right Right Right".

Wayanad would be vying for separate state status.

Left leaning photos of Pisa tower would have been banned in Kerala.

No more Left leaning !

A lot of things would have happened if Mamata Didi were to be born a Malayalee. It isn't practical to list everything here. Thankfully, she is not a Malayalee; else most importantly, this piece wouldn't have been posted !




Dr. Punned-it